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trust the process

14/11/2021 aka the start.

‘Lay me down and let the only sound be the over flow. With pockets full of stones’ - What the water gave me//Florence and the machine.

I’m always told that writing down your feelings is a good thing to do when you’re in therapy and recovery. So I thought I’d give it a try. I doubt that I’m going to do one of these every day but I’m going to do my best.

Today’s been blank. I’ve felt void and like a vacum sucking the joy from everything. Even if I’m not doing anything (which is probably part of the problem). Everyone else was doing some of the house today. All I have to focus on was the kitchen but I started getting twitchy and migraine/ aura-y.

I did my best to keep it at bay like my Mum always tells me to do, but it didn’t work. So I went for a nap. Which my husband dosent like me doing. So I got nothing done. I did some clothes washing and did dinner but it wasn’t and isn’t enough compared to the others.

I don’t know if it’s paranoia but I feel a weird aura coming off my husband recently. Even though he says he loves me and is attracted to me the later dosent feel so genuine. But I dont know if that’s just because of how I feel about myself and my weight gain because how can I be attractive how I am right now? The fact that we haven’t been intimate in quite a while dosen’t help either yanno. But it isn’t like I don’t trust him, because I do. With every inch of my soul. I’m trying to get better at talking about this shit and my emotions/mental health instead of bottleing it but it’s hard because I worry about being judged. But I want to talk to him I just don’t want him to be disapointed in me.

Because I know I am. Always.

#Dayjournal

theoptia

Simone de Beauvoir, from Diary of a Philosophy Student: Volume 1, 1926-1927; September 14th, 1926

Text ID: I do not even know what my face looks like in the mind of those who think of me. For others, what am I?

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