journal

“i am who i am/nothing hidden just black silk/above two knees.” —sonia sanchez🌙

[adrienne-lll]

I have to dislike

children now that I can’t make

them. Have to express

/

my disdain unpro-

-voked, like walking in a

room shouting, “My shirt

/

“is stained!” No one can

tell you about you when you’ve

done it already.

/

No one thinks I would

have had more, if only, if

only.

/

mourning the secret

dreams of a big family

snipped away, stitched up.

/

Love disappears con-

-stantly. Such a massive thing

turned to empty space.

/

This was no different.

You keep moving. Tell every-

-one you never cared.

[adrienne-lll]

Her hands were like his:

unyielding — incapable.

I know she heard me.

——

Stop

[adrienne-lll]

Two in the morning.

They always want something at

two in the morning.

\

The interruption

of my sleep — disrespectful.

Their favors — urgent.

\

Empty pockets or

an ache near the zipper or

both. Help me, please please!

\

Before this phone call

I did not exist. Now I’m

the love of their life

\

and they’re so sorry.

So so sorry for abso-

-lutely everything.

\

Sweet are the words of

the apologetic, like

bills in my mailbox.

\

Are you going to help?

Yes or no? Huh? Forgiveness

now on a timer.

\

In 3 - 2 - 1… click.

I do not exist again.

That sound — the sweetest.

——

[adrienne-lll]

Your no’s don’t sound like

no’s. He is so creative

with these excuses.

\

What voice does no need

to have to be viable?

His mother’s? Daughter’s?

——

[quotespile]

“It’s just that I’m the kind of person… that thinks if you took a map of the whole world and put a pin in it for every person, there wouldn’t be a pin for me.”

— Elizabeth Strout, Olive Kitteridge

[konoko]

[adrienne-lll]

“No pens,” they say. I-

-ronic pens are banned here when,

truth be told, they’re the

/

reason I show up

everyday, the reason I

sign up for double

/

overtime, stay late

as my body will allow.

So I can afford

/

to buy more and more

pens to write away my sore

feet, sore back, sore life.

——

No Pens Allowed

[adrienne-lll]

When I was her age,

the people I dated were

escapes. The only

pleasure of lying in their

bed was that it wasn’t mine.

/

As she curls up on

my king, I want to ruin

the moment and ask,

“Is it me you want or is

it that you don’t want yourself?”

——

For GiGi #2

[adrienne-lll]

She still lives at home.

This reminds me of how young

she is. She calls me

ma’am to be funny. “How long

has ma’am been at her job?” Wink.

/

I pay for dinner,

take her for a drive. She loves

the city lights, too.

“What does ma’am want to do next?”

Wink. She’s younger, but braver.

——

For GiGi

[adrienne-lll]

My car insurance

is due today. And I have

the money to pay.

——

Financial Stability

[adrienne-lll]

I dreamt a mouse was

crawling through my bedroom. He

was talking so loud,

/

rambling about the

clothes scattered over my floor.

“In the way! In the

/

“way!” I was tired.

Had just worked a 12 hour

shift. I wanted sleep.

/

“Just go around them!”

I yelled to him, flipping on

my stomach. “In the

/

“way! In the way!” When

I woke up, I tossed my tank

top, my panties, socks,

/

took a shower. I

checked my insoles. Today would

be another 12

/

hour day. I was

halfway out the door when I

came back. It didn’t

/

take but a minute

or two to get everything

off my floor. Just in

/

case he returned to-

-night, I didn’t want to hear

a word. Not a peep.

——

For Little Feets

[adrienne-lll]

Jazz

/

reminds me of cruising home

to your place. In no rush to

lie in the arms and bed I

/

made.

——

Untitled #66

[adrienne-lll]

My son decided

he doesn’t want to live here.

He prefers the knocks

and noise of my mother’s place.

So he’s there. I’m here. Alone.

——

First Apartment #7

[adrienne-lll]

Yesterday was tough.

Had to get rid of my lace

bras and thong panties.

They were beginning to touch

like a man’s calloused fingers.

——

Celibacy Day 18

[adrienne-lll]

Company that first

night would’ve been lovely. I

went through my contact

list. Nobody who would pick

up, nobody who would come...

——

First Apartment #6

[adrienne-lll]

The delivery

man was kind of cute with his

sweat-stained shirt and dirt-

smeared hands. The plague in his smile.

He had me at, “Sign here, please.”

——

Celibacy Day 17

[adrienne-lll]

The first night was hard.

Every creek and shutter is

someone breaking and

entering when you’ve just moved,

you’re a woman, and alone.

——

First Apartment #5