advice from a supervillain

I am considered a supervillain; this has equipped me with better than average ability to give advice. Further, this may be the only chance you have to ask something of me and expect a response. FAQ // About the Supervillain Presented by BuzzFeed BFF.

[advicefromasupervillain]

So long, farewell.

Hello, minions.

It is with a mixture of sadness and relief that I finally admit what I think we’ve all known to be true for some time: it is time for this blog to close.

I started it back in the winter of ‘14 as a pet project, just after I was hired at BuzzFeed. I wanted to create a character that would answer your questions honestly, compassionately, and with empathy. I wanted her to have distance from me, to be kind of funny and fun to write, to have a position of power that meant she could remind you that you have power, too, when she answered your questions. I hope I succeeded in this.

I want to thank you for sharing yourselves with me: your vulnerabilities and your anxieties and your fears, but also your unyielding hope, and your dreams, and your indomitable strength. Almost from the very beginning I’ve been flooded with questions that prove over and over again just how resilient you are, even when you’re in pain.

I don’t know that I could ever have answered every one of you. I hope that even if you didn’t get the response you hoped for, writing out your thoughts helped you. I hope it let you get it out of you. And for those of you who did get answers, I hope they helped. 

On one hand, this was just an advice blog. It was just me and a gimmick and a keyboard, trying my best. On the other, it was a place where you came to me with every little piece of your heart, laid out for me, asking me to help you put it back together. I am so honored that any of you trusted me that much. It’s a gift that I hope I did well by.

I don’t know if I am any good at giving advice. What I do know is this: nothing I wrote here was revolutionary. Everything was just a mirror for you, a way for you to see that you could do the hard thing, the brave thing, the right thing. The core of any advice is a question: are you willing to do it? Are you willing to work for it? Are you willing to try, even if it’s hard? You can. You’ll always be able to, if you decide that you want to. The power to do what’s right for you is yours. It always has been. It always will be. 

The Supervillain believes in you, and so do I. I hope you all find the happiness you so richly deserve. Thank you for writing to me. Thank you for reading.

Love, Kaye (and of course, The Supervillain)

[advicefromasupervillain]

So prom. All my friends are excited and for 4 years I haven't wanted to go. But my family and friends are pressuring me. They say it's a once in a lifetime experience I'll regret missing out on. Does it make me lame if I don't want to be around people in formal wear for 3 hours?

Many eons ago, I went to both of my proms and would have been just fine not going at all. If it’s not your idea of fun, it’s not your idea of fun. Maybe your idea of fun is setting an army of plague-riddled rats into a prosperous fifteenth century city. Do you.

[advicefromasupervillain]

Five years ago, I found the one. Three years ago, we got engaged & about six months later, he cheated on me with my close friend. They're getting married in October & I've been made a bridesmaid & I'm kind of freaking out. I try to always take the high road & I've adopted the "good for her, not for me" mentality, but it's really been getting to me lately. I mean, who does this?! I just need some advice getting through this wedding. How do I watch the love of my life marry someone else?

You fucking bail on that wedding.

You don’t need to be there. It is emotional torture for you to be there. These two people betrayed your trust in the worst way imaginable, and you do not need to keep them in your life if they cause you pain. You also do not need to be in their fucking wedding!

Given your emotional state -- that you still believe this person is the love of your life (he’s not) -- there is no way for this wedding not to be torturous. The best case scenario is that you get to watch them be joyous and hear everyone around you talk about how beautiful they are and what a wonderful couple and smile in all of their pictures and smile at their relatives and smile, smile, smile. The worst case scenario is that you get shitfaced and ruin their wedding. (I wouldn’t blame you.)

Don’t go. Don’t go. You don’t owe them anything.

You can tell them separately or together. You can tell them in detail or in brief. You can tell them tomorrow or the next day, but you should tell them soon. You need to create this boundary because you need time and space to get over the feelings you still have for this bag of fetid dick cheese who cheated on you and to truly process their betrayal. You haven’t done it yet; if you had, you wouldn’t be so unhappy now. You owe it to yourself to heal. It’s the only way you will actually be able to find the one.

I wish you the best.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

I am a woman who considers herself a strident feminist; I try my best to educate myself and others ongoingly, I feel very passionately about it, it feels like a huge part of my identity and has shaped so much of my experience, and it's something that my friends associate most closely with me. It hadn't occurred to me that you, most villainous one, might be a woman, until very recently. When it did, I seemed to trust your advice less. How can I shake off this awful, toxic social conditioning?

I am indeed a woman.

You shake off conditioning by reconditioning yourself to react a different way. Notice when this is happening -- that you trust my advice less, for instance -- and remind yourself that this reaction is the result of toxic social conditioning and not an appropriate or correct one. Remind yourself that my advice, being excellent and coming from a wealth of experience, is just as good (if not better) than any man’s.

If you repeat it enough you will believe it. Try it the next time you feel like you’re ugly or stupid, too; remind yourself that you aren’t. One day you’ll wake up and you won’t need the reminder.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

I recently had a nasty battle with mental illness and a few loved ones I confided in made me feel like it was a failure on my end, and that I was selfish for letting it get in the way of helping with their problems. Now that I'm recovering, they want a normal relationship again. I love them very much, and I know how important forgiveness is, but is it wrong of me to question whether I want be close with them again? I don't want to hold onto grudges, but I also want healthy relationships. Thanks.

It’s not at all wrong to question whether you want to keep people in your life who view your mental illness as personal failure. 

You are not selfish for struggling with a mental illness; they are selfish for not recognizing that, during this time, you were not capable of support and instead, you needed theirs.

Healthy relationships don’t have strings attached. I hope this helps you make your decision.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

Your evilness, you talk often about not wasting your time on bad relationships, so may I ask - what do you consider the fundamentals of a worthwhile, healthy relationship? What makes a good, healthy, worthwhile friendship/marriage/relationship as opposed to a bad one?

Choosing a good partner – in crime, in heroism, in penetration – is a skill that one can learn. Don’t believe the hype about people simply being meant for each other and once you meet The One, everything will be good forever; love takes work, regardless of the kind of love it is. 

Meeting a person you are compatible with is largely luck. I do mean that. Don’t think ill of yourself if you’re going through a lot of henchmen in search of the perfect accomplice. Not much of that connection is actually within your control. Relax. Make friends or … whatever it is that civilians do for emotional connection. Meet a lot of people, and you will find one with whom you have a strong connection.

But this is, of course, not enough.

There are not many fundamentals of a good, healthy, worthwhile relationship, and they’re remarkably similar across the platonic and romantic and sexual spectrum. They are very simple, and in my opinion, from them come all of the more complicated layers. They are:

Listen to your partner, but also to yourself. If you don’t feel good about what’s happening, you don’t have to stick around. When you are having a conversation with someone you might want to have in your life, or someone you might want to be closer to, don’t just wait for them to stop talking so you can start. Listen to what they’re saying, and how they’re saying it. Pay attention. They should do the same in return.

Talk to your partner about the things that matter to you – this is vital to establishing trust. Stretch in the direction of vulnerability, emotional and otherwise. You will be a better person and partner for it.

Respect your partner, but again, yourself. No one person should be doing all of the labor, emotional or manual. No person should feel that they cannot express themselves for fear of angry reprisal or judgment. If you find that you are in a position where a greater part of the emotional (mediation, soothing anger, consoling, uplifting, supporting) or manual labor (dishes, car rides, picking up groceries, mopping the floor) in the relationship is your responsibility and not reciprocated, you owe it to yourself to take a stand and establish a boundary.

Real love – any kind of love – is reciprocal. It is give and take, but it also moves freely, from you to your partner and from your partner to you. Anything less is noise.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

Your Most Evilness, I have a problem: I have a boyfriend, but lately I just don't care for being in a relationship. I really like him, and I think my lack of care may have to do with the fact that we haven't gone on any real dates. When I spend time with him, I do care for the relationship, but when all we do is text, not even speaking to each other in the classes we have together for weeks on end, I tend to lose interest. Should I wait until we start going on actual dates before deciding?

I don’t normally answer two questions in a day, but really: this is not a relationship. This is some lazy-ass dude taking up your valuable time. Dump his ass.

[advicefromasupervillain]

Hello! I am having a problem only the most evil of villains can help me with. I have two friend groups (let's say A and B) that don't like each other. Group A, who I've known longer, HATES group B and says they're toxic and bitchy. Group B is a lot more considerate and doesn't talk about group A around me, but really don't like group A. someone from group A asked me not to be friends with group B I love both my friends but how do I stop feeling uncomfortable??? PLEASE HELP ME YOURE MY ONLY HOPE

Classic relational aggression. Classic need to establish boundaries.

Essentially: tell group A you’re your own person who can make your own decisions, and that you’re sorry the two groups don’t get along but you’re not going to inherit beef for the sake of it. (Say this kindly, but firmly. Reword it a bit.)

Look: one or both groups may get angry with you, and you have no control over that. It’s all right if it happens; it may help you to better understand the kind of friendships that you want to seek out in the future, and the kind of things you will and won’t put up with in your relationships. These are valuable lessons; treat them as such.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

Your esteemed heinousness, I don't know what to do with regard to a close personal friend who has romantic feelings for me. They are very kind and sweet and have had some truly terrible relationships and I don't want to hurt them, but the fact remains that I am entertaining being aromantic. Is there a gentle way to tell them I think they need to keep looking for someone else? I think they need a better reason to be in a relationship, beyond me being their type and "nice".

You can really just said what you said to me, right now. Or something along the lines of: “Friend, I think the world of you, and I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt before. I do not want to be one of the people who has hurt you. You should know that I am possibly aromantic; it’s something I’m figuring out for myself and, during this process, I am not entertaining any romantic relationships. I think you should move on. I hope you can understand and we can still be friends, but of course if you need space I understand that too.”

Or you could just fake your own death, which I have done to get out of relationships before. Your call.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

This concludes our lightning round.

I hope it was enlightening. Eh? Eh?

I’ll see you all on Wednesday. Your homework between now and then is to do something you are afraid of doing, and then tell me about it. Have fun.

[advicefromasupervillain]

Do you ask a girl out if you like her but are unsure on there feelings towards you or if some one else likes you

Y’all need to fucking talk to each other more. Yes, ask somebody out if you want to date them. No, someone else liking you doesn’t matter unless you also like this other person, in which case feel free to ask them out, too. Dating isn’t a zero-sum game. You’re not getting married. Breathe, and practice your emotional honesty.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

Ok so I'm questionning my sexuality. Since the majority is straight I assumed I was too so I focused on girls, noticed things I found attractive. But only now am I wondering how I feel about guys too and Idk how to figure it out. If that makes sense.

Kiss a guy. If you enjoy it, you may not be straight. If you don’t, you still may not be straight, but a different kind of not-straight.

Sexuality is fluid, and a spectrum, and ever-changing. You don’t need to know for sure, and you can take your time figuring it out. There’s nothing abnormal or wrong with what you’re feeling. Let yourself figure it out in your own time.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

dear supervillain, my parents are getting a divorce sometime this year. while i want to be angry, i struggle to hold onto any sort of anger for any length of time. do you have any advice for generating anger at the situation, maintaining anger, and then dissipating said anger in a healthy manner? thank you.

It sounds like you’re not angry. You don’t have to be. Why force it?

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

I don't know what to do with my life. I graduate university this year and my parents nag me daily to know what my intended career is but I don't know what I want to do. It frightens me and exhausts me. I know this isn't really a question, sorry.

No one has any idea what they want to do with your life. I know this may come as a shock, but the choices you make at 21 or 22 may not be the choices you’d make at 35 or 58 or 72. 

Breathe. Every day is a new chance to start over or try something new. That is as true now as it will be when you are 39. 

Consider writing down all of the things you enjoy doing, even if you don’t think you’re “good” at them. These are the things to run after and grab at with both hands, whether that’s in your career or outside of it. Possibly some jobs will come immediately to mind as you look at this list; remember that you will have to spend 2-4 years in a shitty entry-level job in any career before you start doing something you Really Want. Remember also that opportunity doesn’t always look the way you expect it to. You’ll know it when you see it.

 It’s a new year; now is a wonderful time to center yourself and consider where you would like to be this time next year, or even this time next month. No goal is too small.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

This is a different sort of question than you usually answer. What are 5 books you'd recommend to your followers to read, for any reason?

Half Of a Yellow Sun, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Boy, Snow, Bird, Helen Oyeyemi

Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde

Tiny Beautiful Things, Cheryl Strayed

The Secret History, Donna Tartt

[advicefromasupervillain]

Hello, um I do t really know how to tell anyone but...I am afraid to tell a couple friends of mine about Me being non binary. I know most of them are accepting but one of them I don't know how they will feel about it, and I don't want to lose them.

People who love you will love you regardless. People whose opinion of you changes based on your identity are not a loss; they do not deserve to take up space in your life.

Tell your friends if you would like to. If they don’t react well, that is a reflection on them, not on you, and you will be given an opportunity to fill the space they took up with people who love and support you.

Yours,A Supervillain

[advicefromasupervillain]

Hello, fellow villain. Happy New Year to you. Tell me, where exactly do I find the motivation to, you know, get my shit together, make some sweet study notes for when classes begin, and properly work out? Also, how do I make my dumb self understand that boys do not and will not get me good grades nor a hot bod? Pls help a sister out, drag my ass if you have to. Thanks in advance.

Happy new year, fellow villain. I would be happy to drag your ass.

THREE VITAL INGREDIENTS IN GETTING ONE’S SHIT TOGETHER, MAKING SWEET STUDY NOTES FOR WHEN CLASSES BEGIN, AND PROPERLY WORKING OUT

Turn off your fucking phone when you’re studying. Leave it in your dorm room and go to the library. Put it on airplane mode and shove it underneath all the other crap in your bag. Get it out of your sight.

Treat any time you’re devoting to bettering yourself -- at the gym, as you’re studying, whatever “bettering yourself” looks like to you -- as important. No one is allowed to interrupt it. The time you invest in yourself is sacred. No one is more worthy of your time and attention than you are.

Working out is boring as shit, so find a way of moving your body that’s fun and do that. Lifting weights is satisfying to you? Lift some damn weights. Walking around campus in the morning before anyone else is up brings you some peace? Walk around campus. Riding a stationary bike and listening to the Star Wars soundtrack and pretending you’re a Resistance pilot brings you untold joy? Get in your damn x-wing, girl. There is no way of moving that’s wrong. There is no amount of progress that isn’t good enough. You’re starting at 0 -- don’t try to immediately get to 10. 

Good luck.

Yours, A Supervillain