Aedre Lafisques

Caillian Star-Brat

[simongannon]

20/20 vision

[aedrelafisques]

Not particularly apt at pictures, but here are a few captured on a casual tour of null-sec with @zenariae. Much of this area was abandoned XIX space. 

The last one got cut off. 

(taken just by turning off the hud and screengrabbing).

[aedrelafisques]

(Recent scrapes, new stations interiors and damage effects. The background animates, I just happened to catch it in the same place :p )

[simongannon]

Aedre and Zenariae

Real books!

[aedrelafisques]

((quick sketch of an adventure))

[simongannon]

Something given to Aedre. I didn’t follow the description word for word, but I ran with the gist. \:p/ Colour practice.

[simongannon]

revisiting stuff!

[aedrelafisques]

[zenariae-deactivated20220613]

Storm Wind

Break me

Crush me

In chaos you play

With fury and rage

To dance and delight

In fragile morning’s mortality

But when the whirlwind’s done

Your voice is but a wretched whimper

[aedrelafisques]

(There are sometimes details you write into a character that you don’t expect to ever come up. It’s just supposed to be one of those nice things that you might find out about a person in time or some event happens to trigger it - and you can say it was there all along in all honesty. That’s always exciting when it happens. I had a Shadowrun gun-fu character once that took horseback riding as a kid and had a couple of ranks in it. It was quite a delight when that just happened to be useful during one of the very last things we did. I do it in roleplay venues so there’s always something to find out, which can be a problem when you make characters for a very specific setting, drawing lore elements into their backstories and all of that. You want them to fit, so you do a certain amount of playing into what has already been written. So I often try to add these kinds of character details as an interesting surprise for people who stick with me down the line. 

In EVE Online, with it’s realist-grimdark focus, far-flung futurism, and of course, the people that play this game, I didn’t really expect a note like this to come up almost immediately (and in multiple different venues). It turns out that while many transhumans are content to think of themselves as better and therefore disconnected from humanity and its history, most, when pressed, will admit ‘humanity’ is something of an ongoing narrative that they are a part of - and ultimately all have roots in. No one is born a Capsuleer.

Capsuleers talk - and even argue - about faith and culture at a clip that might be considered obsessive to a casual observer. The value of the artist’s eye, a dinner party, or taking some time for oneself as an individual come up over and over again. The struggle of being an individual, with a past different than others and an uncertain future, is still a challenge in the relative vacuum and wealth of what the Capsuleer lifestyle is like. Along with the release from the spectre of death, and the sense of Otherness that Capsuleers are forced into, the vacuum of this lifestyle may be among what makes them all either absolutely out of their minds or ...dangerously introspective.)

[aedrelafisques]

(I guess I wasn’t done. Aedre’s one of those strange people where becoming a Capsuleer actually mellowed him out a bit :p)

[aedrelafisques]

(I haven’t had much time to do much lately - so I stopped and made a bit of time to draw for myself, did a bunch of sketches of Aedre’s life)

[zenariae-deactivated20220613]

Eyes

Space is full of eyes, like this wormhole watching, gazing into the distant void of that Black Hole in the background. Or was it looking at me? Funny thing about wormholes though is that they can look in two different directions at once, into Sleeper space as well as into Empire and it’s kind of the same as how we look at things every day I feel. In one way everything we see is tangible, it’s there in front of our noses and we can bump into it and in the other it’s like peering into a secret dream or different universe. We can’t see the shapes and colours in those places directly, but we can certainly perceive or discover them and most certainly talk about them.

It’s a duality that keeps us balanced I guess, stabilising the concrete external universe with the inward and often irrational pondering that allows us to appreciate beauty or find a joke funny. And what if we look into someone else’s eyes? Do we see a reflection of ourselves looking back, or find a stranger looking out to tell us we’re not on our own? What happens then, to the space between and when we start seeing with each other’s eyes?

[zenariae-deactivated20220613]

Into the Rift

Falling. That’s what it felt like pointing my nose into this spatial rift and it flung me somewhere into deep space full of Sleeper secrets. For a while the dizziness of that falling sensation clouded me, but I have to say it felt kind of wonderful being blinded by that beautiful light and then tossed into the unknown. Is this what the early explorers of New Eden saw and felt? I cannot begin to imagine that fearful mosaic of excitement, curiosity and unease as they probed, perhaps even with some panic and dread, at the marvels they discovered for their people for the very first time and pushed, ever onwards.

And while those wonders were yesterday, there is still much to discover and it’s not about being first for me. No, it never was. The sights and the spectacles are just a way into a journey that ponders at the edge of places only the Winds and spirits know. What will I see there? Will it be me staring back, or some other face or nothing or just more of the immensity of space and time? It is perhaps true in a practical sense that there is nothing new beneath the stars, all that is has been all there ever was and ever will be, and when we fall we also bruise. Without explorers, we are nothing and would never have left the cradle of distant home.

[aedrelafisques]

Feb 22, YC117

Aedre takes the box, made out of whatever cheap material is readily available locally, and dumps a pile of Caldari dogtags onto Radgeir's dining table, some tumbling onto the floor. "--What the fuck is this?" Aedre leans on one of the chairs with his free hand and observes the pile. "Ladistier is free from Caldari occupation, for the Presidential inauguration."

"Holy shit."  After an impressed pause, Radgeir fixes Aedre with a judgmental look. "This is some fucking dramatic Capsuleer bullshit, I don't want this all over my table."

"I know, but I didn't know what else to do. I want you to understand what it's like." There's enough gravity, despite Aedre's light attitude, that Radgeir finds it difficult to quip, forcing himself to look at the pile. Feeling nervous, he picks up one of the tags, hoping to dispel his ill feeling, and fiddles with it. "Ladistier went nearly uncontested," Aedre continues. "--This doesn't look uncontested to me!" "This is what we call uncontested. The Caldari Navy came to us, but most of these ships lasted a few seconds to the fleet. There were a couple of wartargets, but most of the opposing force were Capsuleer pirates. Aggressive neutrals. Anarchists, I guess. I don't know. People looking for a fight, more likely. We were balled up, they wanted to challenge us for that reason alone. It turns out only Renai Vero and our people are the only ones that care about the land itself." "And the Caldari Navy. Why didn't the Capsuleers come out?" "I don't know. What I do know is this. The Caldari opposition within the contested zone is mostly 'farmers'. The reason we lose territory to them is that we can't keep up. We don't have the numbers. Caldari opportunists come in from nullsec, and run all the complexes. Then they leave again. They don't give a shit about the land, it's about the loyalties they can hand in for the work. It's about money." "Oh, surprise, the Caldari care more about money than about people." "Radgeir." "...That sounds like shit, but that's exactly what you're telling me. That's what you're describing." "It's probably more complicated than that." "But that's just your belief, isn't it? You said the same thing about slavery, Aedre. You still make excuses for that shit." Aedre calmly watches the pile, and sighs. "I don't care about what the Caldari do inside their borders. To me, it's always been about stability for the people in Placid and Black Rise, since the Provists." "You don't care? You should care! Don't you realize? These people had no choice about coming to fight you!" Radgeir says, gesturing at the table. "That's how the Megas work! They're brainwashed, all of them! Do for the corporation...! At least the men and women on our side do so freely! They get into your ship because they decided that on their own!" Aedre seems to accept being yelled at pretty calmly. "I don't know about that. The military, and in particular, flying for Capsuleers, provides opportunities for people that don't have any. It's not freedom, either. They have to. We don't leave our poorest much choice." "Are you comparing two completely different things?!" Radgeir steps up to him, wanting a reaction. Anything would do.  "Are you going to say you also don't care what the Amarr do within their borders?!" "I don't. It's not our problem. It's not our business." Radgeir slaps him. Aedre supposes he shouldn't be surprised, saying something like that to a Matari, even a Caillian one. Rageir was sure of retaliation, as Aedre often flies off the handle with things like this, but he unexpectedly takes it in stride. Still, Radgeir hopes he's wounded his pride at least - that face, that hasn't changed since the day he left... "--Don't you try to tell me that the Amarr have to have slaves for some bullshit cultural reason. I've listened to your mild-ass politics enough. I get it. We can't just free everybody and expect anything to be fine. The Republic can't even take the influx they're getting. You know what they say? They say Jamyl released a number like that just to fuck with them. It was too many. So I'm not an idiot. But you're not gonna tell me that we should just let everyone just do whatever they want to other people. What the fuck would I do if I heard some shit going down next door? You want me to ignore that?" "...We can't enforce our morality." "This is abuse, Aedre! This is not some kind of -- Aedre! I'm gonna take you outside, and kick the shit out of you." Radgeir grunts, then, and presses his fingers to his forehead. "---Ugh, no I'm not."

Aedre smiles a bit.  "'We can't tousle like that, anymore'. You know, this is just what Capsuleers do. They shout at each other a bit, and then shoot at each other." "It's not the same at all..." "I think it is, more than either of us are comfortable with." Radgeir folds his arms. "Ugh. I'm sorry I slapped you. But you're fucking unbelievable sometimes. Sometimes I can't control how much I hate your face."

Aedre looks a little helpless.  "Wow, that's really extreme, Rad..." "...I know. ...I don't know. I'm sorry." "You've been apologizing to me a lot lately." Radgeir sighs. "Look at this bullshit," he says, gesturing to the table. "What am I supposed to do, or say, to you? Just promise me you'll come back before you lose it." "I come back all the time. More than anyone else in the Militia, I'm sure. There's a reason for that. I'm touching base with you. I don't want to lose my identity to this." "What are you going to do with all this now...?" "I don't know. I thought I might go through them, and post their names. But then I thought, as nice a gesture as that might be, their families have already been paid, the deal is already done. All it would do is cause a shitstorm among Capsuleers. It might come across as gloating." "Ugh... No. I guess it's better to stay quiet." "It's not all of them, either. I lost a few ships, with them, the cargo." "How many of our own...?" "No more than a hundred. I would post our losses instead, but it would make other pilots look bad. I guess. You know, for not doing the same thing. It would just be weird at this point. We lose stuff every day." "How do you deal with the stress of this...?" "What everyone else does. I don't think about it, most of the time. And every so often, I think about it a lot. I've been trying to figure out how to pray." "Pray? What?" "Yeah. I don't know what else to call it. What did you do for your father?" Aedre has such a frank way of talking when he isn't a mess. It catches Radgeir off guard, but it's clear that Aedre needs an answer. "Well. We had a ritual to put him 'to rest' as they say. You know. You were there for that. --Funerals are for the living. It doesn't matter how atheist you are, people still do it, you know?" "...No... I mean when you felt desperate..." "I-- don't know. I thought about it." He shrugs, a little listlessly. "...I just thought about it until I got tired."  "Don't you wish you had something better?" "Aedre, I don't really prescribe to that kind of thing. Neither do you. We're not really the types. Anything we pray to, we wouldn't really believe in. There's no real comfort people like us can have. We just have to deal with stuff like this." He looks at the pile though. The practicality of being a-religious was not, however, designed for frequent death. Shedding it is the privilege of people who see it very rarely. "...Maybe just come to see us, like you do. Do this, if that's what you have to do. What am I supposed to do, mind? This is bullshit..." he says, sympathetically. "Let's clean it up. And I'll make you something to eat. Stay in, and we'll just think about it until we get tired, okay...?" Aedre is struck by the powerlessness of it, but he nods, grateful for the offering.

"Yes, there is nothing like a fancy lunch." Renery grins, and gestures across the table. "And you look like a million bucks, what happened to you?"

"Ah. Zena picked this out..."

"Whaat. Haha. Finally, somebody's dressing you. I was hoping you'd get on with one of our designers. I actually expected you to just give in to some cute boy."

"Not you too."

"It's just because you're quiet. People like you tend to avoid the drama that goes along with the prescribed routes. They just end up with a friend and putter along into old age together."

Aedre sighs.

"But you have a girlfriend now!"

"She's not my girlfriend..."

"I thought you said you 'really wanted this date?' to me...! Did something happen?"

"What? No. I.... I was just frustrated with you. We're not dating."

Renery eyeballs him uncertainly. It's possible that Aedre doesn't know what dating is somehow.  "But I think you are..."

"Stop teasing me..."

"I'm not!" She huffs.  "Fine. What are your feelings then?"

"I dunno. I'm not talking about that with you..."

"What? I'm your sister. Who are you gonna talk to about it? Radgeir? Oh, I bet you get all mushy with him," she says, sarcastically, nibbling on roasted bird.

"Why should I talk about it with anyone...? It's private."

"Because real humans like to talk about themselves, because emotions."

"They're private emotions, Renery."

"What does that even mean? --Oh! Are you afraid of committing to her?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you're dating but you keep saying you're not. If you were a jerk, I'd say you were being a jerk. But you're too sweet for that. I think you're probably just dumb and wounded or something. I don't know about what. It's not like you date."

"I'm not..." Aedre scratches in his hair.  "Look, I don't know how I feel."

Renery raises an eyebrow. "Yes you do. Everybody knows exactly how they feel. That sentence is a stupid holo sentence. You're just not sure if you want to get married and have a million babies."

Aedre makes a face at her.

"That's it, isn't it? You're not gonna know that for a while. Don't worry about it."

"I don't want to hurt her."

"Isn't this why you sat in a station until the Shigeru crashed into Caldari Prime?"

Aedre is still, stunned by her blunt choice of words. While there is a comparison to be made about himself personally, it's very difficult for him to feel she's justified in comparing anything to that incident at all. It's very belligerent. He can't even properly sort out how mad he is. He just gives up trying to respond, while she eats her bird.

"Just tell me what your actual feelings are, Aedre..."

"No. You sound like mom... Don't make demands about my business."

She huffs. "So do you, sometimes...! I know you don't have anyone to talk to, and I know what Rad's like. I just want to hear about your feelings...!" she says, plaintive now. "I care about your stuff, okay?"

This makes him cave. "--She's nice. I like her. I like her as a person, and it makes me afraid to pull her too close."

Renery relaxes a little, to hear him talking. "You've never been interested in people you didn't already like as a person. You always gave that up as an excuse. I was starting to think you were just asexual or something, and you weren't going to like anybody."

Aedre sighs again. "...Would you stop thinking so much about me? This is not a topic..."

"Then keep talking about her~"

"She's gentle. She describes herself as a butterfly, or a mouse. But she's got more guts than I do. We're very different. But we're also - We also have a lot in common."

"Sounds nice. And? Your feelings?"

Aedre recognizes that she really wants to know.  "I feel pretty strongly. I feel a lot of respect for the work she does."

"What does she do?"

"She's a photographer, I guess."

"Oh really? Can I see?"

"Actually... Sure." Aedre pulls out a datapad, and pulls up some of the pictures he's personally kept. Maybe she'll be distracted long enough he can get a few bites in.

Renery flips through them. "These are beautiful! Aedre, you're a sucker...!" she chuckles. "Some of these are weird though... Is this stuff really out there?"

"I guess so. I've never seen anything like the stuff I see her post... But I don't get around."

"Oh, this is of an Algos...!"

"That's me."

"Oh really! No way. You've had ship dates?"

"N-no. That's during the Ladister recapture..."

"What? How'd your guys not blow her up?"

"I guess you can get away with a lot if you know what you're doing."

"How was that not awkward for you two...?"

Aedre considers... "I think she understands why I do it. She grew up in Black Rise."

"Hm... And you're all 'for the people' and stuff."

"I guess it makes it comfortable enough..."

"It's a cool picture. Can I have a copy?"

"I don't see why not."

"My brother's pretty cool sometimes."

Aedre smiles a little.

"So what's up with The Drifters?"

"What?" Aedre is so stunned that he answers with his mouth full.

"Come on, I told you I was watching you guys. That's all Capsuleers are talking about."

"Even I forget that's all public..."

"Yeah, you actually sound like an adult when you post. Too bad you don't sound anything like that IRL."

"H-hey."

"Haha. So? I want to know why baseliners shouldn't know about them."

Aedre sighs. That was his post. "...I don't know anything."

"What? That's not true at all."

"I mean it. I'm not close to the project."

"Arek'Jalaan?"

"Y-yeah."

"What's that about, anyway?"

"Arek'Jalaan was a project put together by Hilen Tukoss. He disappeared years ago, but just around Caronline's star, he posted several messages asking us to gather up stuff for him."

"Stuff? What do you mean he posted, where is he?"

Aedre hesitates. "...It's not important what it was. It's not even secret, you can look it up if you want. We think he was kidnapped by Sleepers or something. --You know the new ships that the Amarr and the Minmatar just came out with?"

"Oh. Yeah?"

"That's the result of all that."

"What? Are we getting one too?"

Aedre makes a face. "It takes time to invent something like that, Renery. That's not really the question you should be asking."

"As far as I care, it is. What am I gonna do about it if the Sleepers or Drifters come to get us, or we're attacked by a bunch of little Tech III destroyers? Nothin'. --I totally already have a toy of the Svipul. It's so cool they made it transform. Who knew the Minmatar had that much duct tape on them?"

Aedre smirks.  "You're well versed in our jokes..."

"Haha, how does the artificial gravity work on those? Are there people in the transforming parts? Why does it transform at all?"

"...I haven't been on one. To be honest, I don't even have it trained yet. I'll give you a rundown sometime..."

"Okay. I bet ours is going to be so cool... You have to have your girlfriend take a picture of you when it comes out."

"Oh, no... Tech III isn't really my style..."

"What style is that?! What does that mean?"

"Well. They're difficult to replace. They're a bit complicated to make. -- But more than that, if you get one destroyed under you, they're so advanced that they actually cause damage."

"Damage?"

"Neural damage, from having it destroyed while it's connected to you."

"Brain damage?!"

"Yeah. It can take a guy a couple of weeks to make back the training. --Not to mention what else can go wrong."

"Oh, that's balls."

"Renery..."

"I mean it. Never mind then. The Svipul's still cool though," he says, munching.

Aedre chuckles a little.

"Okay, so this guy who is kidnapped by Sleepers hands out new technology and now we're being attacked by Sleepers?"

"W-well. N-no. I don't think it's that simple..."

"Why not, exactly?"

"B-because... Well, they're not attacking us, for one."

"So, better, they're watching us develop weapons with their technology? I hear they scan everything. Why are we doing this again...?"

"B-because we don't have Tech III destroyers yet...?"

"Botresse help us. Capsuleers are really as dumb as they always sound."

Aedre scowls.  "Th-that's not even what's happening..."

"Whatever. Have you seen one? Are they dangerous?"

"No... They're not aggressive."

"People are saying they are!"

"That's because people are shooting them."

"...So are they dangerous...?"

"That's the debate. Yes, they're dangerous. The guns on those things - we don't even understand the damage application. As in, how much they're hitting us for. It felt different than it usually does..."

"One killed you?"

"...No, I wasn't killed by it."

"--I mean your ship. You know. 'Got killed'. Not 'got podded'."

"Oh. I guess..." Aedre never gave the distinction much thought after the first few mentions.

"What were you doing?! I thought you said you weren't going to attack them!"

"I didn't. It landed on top of me after someone else did. Sort of."

"Oh. Huh."

"It was to gather data."

"Oh, are you contributing to the Seyllin Conference?!"

How much does she know, to bring that up?! "H-huh? What, no... I don't have anything to say at a scientific thing like that... But I helped a lady put something together for it, yeah."

"Neat! I hope she includes you in the paper!! You're an assistant now!"

"Ah, it wasn't so big a deal..."

"Cool, did she thaaank you?"

"What?!"

"Ha hahaha!"

"She gave me a kiss on the cheek, if that's what you mean."

"What?! She did?!"

"That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it...?" Aedre scowls, crossing his legs.

"Whaaat! You got popular! That's crazy. You're totally lame. --It's because you sound so, you know, adroit on the forums..."

"She had a few drinks, it's not a big deal. She's a Caldari loyalist anyway, I'm sure she didn't really mean it. She knows I'm militia."

"People like that kinda drama."

Aedre sighs.

"Oh? Did it totally stress you out?"

"...A little. It's fine."

"Haha, you're so cute. Caldari women love you. That's hilarious."

"Renery... ...It's not hilarious at all..."

"Waah~ Haha."

Aedre exhales. "Don't say anything about Hilen Tukoss or the Drifters to anyone, please."

"Why? You didn't actually tell me anything."

"I mean in general. Don't cause trouble."

"Ah, alright. It's not like baseliners don't know about it. But most of us don't really have a Capsuleer to ask though."

"Yeah. Don't broadcast that you do or you'll end up my rep if things go bad."

"--Speaking of rooting around for things baseliners aren't supposed to know about, who's Bob? And when did he come the First time?"

Aedre sighs again. "It's a 'wormhole thing'. As far as I know "BoB" was just one of the original super coalitions from when we were kids, Band of Brothers, remember? They were the ones that got nuked by the spy and folded."

"Oh! They made a comic about that!"

"...Sure. That's a fictionalized account, I hope you know. Even though it's relatively recent, it's legend even to us. Their members are spread out all over the cluster now, as far as I know. --I don't actually know what it means to wormholers though... I've only ever gotten a bit of a laugh when I ask..."

"Capsuleers are super-weird."

"Yeah."

[aedrelafisques]

Jan 23, YC117

“Aedre! What are you doing here?” There’s no sign of her son, it’s just Aedre…  “Is everything alright?”

Aedre steps into Radgeir’s mother’s house. He smiles a little sadly. “No… nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to see you again before I left...”

“Oh…?  I must be getting old, if now I’m getting visits like this…”

“No, you’re not old…”

“Then maybe you’re getting old!” she says, and leads him into the kitchen to sit.

“Well… How are you?”

“I’m perfectly fine!”

Aedre has a very different context without Radgeir next to him. The confidence that he has playing sidekick is gone. The smaller, softer one glides effortlessly along as Radgeir dominates the show, calls the shots, simultaneously holds Aedre in place, and jostles him ahead.

Alone, Aedre has developed a certain bearing she hasn’t really noticed before, but is starkly apparent now all of a sudden. Aedre is a young military man. As a boy, she might have had to invite him to sit because he was afraid to. Now, Aedre mills in the doorway because the next move is not expressly clear. She’s seen this before.

She gestures for him to do so while digging about for tea in the cupboards. “When are you going back?”

“I haven’t really decided.” He takes a seat, quietly.

“Things aren’t too strict out there are they…?” she tries.

“No.”

She finds cups, at least and sets two out.  “...Is it as bad as they say?” She has no one else to ask.

There is a sliding door in this room. It’s glass, and he can see her small - tiny really - backyard. He wouldn't call it a back yard, but so many people in the city do. “Probably. The war only ruins lives and makes people rich. There isn’t any morality left in it, for anyone.”

“Aedre…”  She pauses, unsure what to say next. To say something so bleak in front of her is surprising. He rarely speaks at all.  “...Why are you going back?”

“I worry about what will happen to the people I like out there, if I leave.  --If I get tired and I leave, like all the other good people that don’t see anything left out there for them...”

She wants to go over to him, but remembers that she was trying to put up tea. She takes care of the water next… “How did this ever happen to my little Aedre…” she says. “How did it happen that you, of all people, became a Capsuleer, and are fighting the Caldari way out in the Border Zone…?”

“Heth threatened Caille. My parents didn’t want me to continue my studies.”

“There is always a knife at your back, isn’t there, Aedre?”

Aedre can tell that there’s judgement to her words. That she is trying to reflect to him how he feels, and he can’t argue. “I guess that’s how it feels. It’s fine. I wouldn’t do anything with myself otherwise...”

“I’m not sure becoming a soldier against your better judgement is truly ‘accomplishing’ anything. It’s not to say that I believe we should let the Caldari take, and we should let them do so. I just mean for you.”

Aedre nearly gets up, but doesn’t, because it would be exceptionally rude. But he doesn’t want to have to have this conversation yet again.

“...I’ve been talking to someone.”

She’s not sure what it means, but she is listening quite carefully now.

“I wanted to say something before Radgeir went and told you...”

“Oh?” That’s especially intriguing. What could there be that Aedre would want to circumvent him for?

He’s leaning stiffly on the table, and folds some of his fingers around some of the other fingers of his other hand, feeling the warmth, looking outside. “I met a Caldari girl.”

She’s startled with how serious he is. He was always quiet, but he was also always in Radgeir’s confident, aggressive shadow. It seemed to her like shyness, or an inability or perhaps unwillingness to compete. At one time or another, Aedre suddenly became an adult. She touches her shoulder thoughtfully, watching him watch outside. It hurts a little! It hurts in little mom places. Radgeir hasn’t looked this way yet. He’s still fumbling through school, and really, she’s enjoying that. In ways she sometimes resented, Aedre was a second son. Not one she really had to look after per se, or raise at all, but a boy that was always there, close to her own. A boy she came to know very well.

And now he’s here, in her kitchen, trying to tell her something about his life, instead of trying to do that in his own kitchen, to his own mother.

She realizes she hasn’t really said anything. It’s hard to really find something to say.  “Well. I suppose that’s to be expected,” she says, with some warmth.

“You think so…?”

“I think something like that is relevant to you, now.”

“Relevant…?”

She nods. “I would imagine someone like you thinks very hard about the threat the Caldari pose. I expect that you understand the minutiae of what you have to do to them. You were never a mean boy. That’s what my son loves in you. You were gentle to a fault.”

“I was weak. I couldn’t stand up for myself. That’s not gentle… That’s just an inability to fight. Now that I can, I do.”

“You’re reducing yourself to something simple. I understand that the army does that.”

“I’m not really in the army.”

“I think you are, and you don’t really know it.”

Aedre feels entirely unwilling to argue with her about it.

“You came here to tell me about this girl, I think,” she says, invitingly.

“...I guess so,” he says, instead of continuing. “I wanted to know what you thought…”

“Well. Tell me how you met…”

“She has been posting poems and thoughts regarding exploration. She’s a Capsuleer too.”

This is not too surprising to her either.  “I see. You wrote her?”

“Ah. Yes, I guess I did. I just wanted to encourage her. It’s not often you see people putting out material like that. Capsuleers I mean. It’s not to say that they don’t do it. But… She had a gentle touch. I guess I got worried someone else would…  I don’t know. I just had to say something. I suppose we started talking. I invited her to Caille, and I showed her around the other day. We’ve been writing each other since then.”

“Ah… That’s very nice, Aedre. I’d have to meet her to tell you what I think. But something like this could be good for you. Please come to me if you run into trouble, hm? I don’t know very much about the Caldari, but I was a young girl once.” She sets tea in front of him. “What does this nice girl look like? What does she like?”

She smiles as she notes Aedre get slightly nervous.  “She long dark hair. She looks young, but it’s impossible to know how old a Capsuleer is... People mistake me as often as they dismiss me… So I don’t know about that. She has… sort of a long face. I think maybe she’s Civre, but it’s hard to say. I can’t really tell them apart yet.  --I’m working on it,” he adds, before she makes a judgement. “It’s hard to find out anything about Caldari. People are so tired of fighting them. They don’t want to hear about anything other than tearing down the squids. It’s not about Provists anymore, or what the Caldari did or didn’t do, or what they’ve threatened us with, or what we did. Everyone’s forgotten everything. It’s just something one goes out and does, every day, without resting. Because if we stopped, we give them the systems. They’re waiting us out, but we’re not going to stop. The men out there don’t know anything else anymore. To be honest, I don’t either.”

“You like this Caldari lady,” she offers, nudging him his tea.  The idea that Aedre is unable to talk with this parents this way bothers her - but she can’t actually even envision them entertaining such a casual conversation. The fact that he’s resorted to talking to her is somewhat telling, as he’s never done it before. “That’s something ‘else’. That’s something different than the others. How many of them, are seeing someone like that?  Is this going to put you in trouble?”

“No. I can’t see it. Nobody I have any respect for would condemn an explorer, a neutral that has no interest in fighting.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“It’s hard to express how insular it is. How predictable and safe it is, fighting inside the contested zone…  I don’t know how to leave anymore. I don’t want to leave.”

“Safe?”

“Not safe like in High Security. Safe. There is nothing I would call a risk, if I don’t want to take a risk. I never felt so safe even around here, as I do there. In the Gallente Militia, we have the constant of superior tactics, superior doctrine, a superior morale, a superior communication network, a superior sense of combat honor.

My Alliance does, anyway. When I visit Intaki, though, I get a very different story. One that doesn’t match my experience at all. They call the Militia cowardly. I haven’t seen anything other than almost foolhardly bravery...? They offer nothing to say about the Caldari, I suppose, but when it comes to us, they have shown me what the Militia looks like from the outside...”

“What would make you come home?” she asks him, finally.

“I don’t know anymore.”

“You don’t like it.”

“But I don’t hate it.”

“Why not?”

“Because of the people I fly with, and the unknown. I don’t want to experience that again. Also, they let me leave whenever I want... Not every place would be so lax...”

“All you have to do is sometimes go out and do what everyone else is doing anyway.”

He nods, a little sullen.

She pats his hand. “It’s alright. You’re not ready. Don’t worry yourself. You’re right about the war, Aedre. If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. It’s as simple as that. You’re doing your job. As I understand it, you’re going above and beyond it, when you are there. You come home because that’s what you need to do to keep at it the way that you do. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes… Ultimately.”

“When you’re ready, come home to us.” She touches her chest. “In here.”

Aedre is quiet, but she lets it stand. He thinks about it. Having pulled away. For a whole year, after becoming a Capsuleer, he disappeared. He never apologized for it, or really, said anything at all. Radgeir and his mother said nothing about it either, and picked up where they left off. His sister had changed, but he hadn’t really noticed at the time. He got closer to her. This last year, if anything, should have felt surreal, but it didn’t. Was it a bit surreal still, for them…?

He can’t bring himself to apologize now. It feels too late to try.

“...I will.  ...Thank you for the scarf. By the way...” he adds.

“You’re welcome. I didn’t expect you to wear it all the time…!”

“I do. It reminds me of home. Not the stuff I don’t like. The stuff I like.”

He jumps when his datapad buzzes in his small shoulder bag. He tries to ignore it.

Radgeir’s mother smiles. “Is that her? You could check it.” She pats him, and he has flushed a little. He blushes somewhat easily, when he’s being unguarded…  

“Hey… Don’t tease me…”

“I’m not. I’m being perfectly serious. Why don’t you hang about for a little while? I have some chores to finish.”

“S-sure…”

She goes off, leaving him to write her back…

[aedrelafisques]

Jan 22, YC117

"So, I hear you finally have a girlfriend~"  Renery sips her ice-cream out of a paper bowl, peering at Aedre across from her over it.

"Ugh. I hate that you and Rad talk about me behind my back..."

"We're not saying bad things. We're just worried about you. Because you're a Capsuleer..."  Aedre makes a face, so she changes tack, "And because you know, you're so romantic~, that being part of a war is pretty stupid of you." She makes noise scraping the paper with her tiny disposable spoon. "You're gonna strain something."

"You're both over-doing it. You think I'm pathetic, don't you...?" he says, annoyed. He readjusts his scarf. As they're sitting here, someone standing might see. This is kind of a casual place, he'd rather not get whispers or alarm here. "You know, doing something you believe in isn't always going to be easy."

"Yeah, but why not leave it to people that can hack it? You're just being a hero. Those people don't need you. You really think that with all those citizens you have out there they need you to go around doing... whatever it is you say you do? You were an egomaniac before becoming a Capsuleer. I’m starting to think that’s what makes people even consider it to start with."

Aedre scowls. "…That’s not true at all… And I’m not…  --Why do both of you tear me down so much?"

Renery pauses, studying him and making sure ice-cream on the side of her hand isn't wasted. "We're not. We supported you when you became a Capsuleer. Remember? We still believe that Capsuleer Aedre is the same Aedre. I guess we're both afraid it's the war - not being a Capsuleer, that'll change you." She picks up his bowl, and starts scraping around in that one too. "We want you to just come home," she says. "The war is stupid. Everyone says so. And it makes you seem like some airheaded loyalist."

"Ugh."

"At worst, it makes it seem like you support Roden~" she says, with an derisive tone. "Isn't your main station a Roden Shipyard?" 

He glances around, but no one cares. He forgets what it's like, in Caille. How supremely busy it is. Movement, lights, distraction. All the things he moved away from because he hated them.

Then, when he moved, and all the things he knew were stripped away, his voice seemed too loud, too opinionated, too ignorant, his manner aggressive and yet not aggressive enough. Suddenly everything he did could be seen and heard in ways that never mattered before. Returning to Caille was like fading back into the background - a comfortable place.

Aedre's tablet buzzes. He catches the movement of her eyes, and puts his hand out over it. Her hand cat-like baps on top of his, and she expresses frustration. "How did you know! You read my mind!" she complains.

"I didn't.  --I just know you." But really, it was her tell. Even distracted as he was, it was enough to tell him she was reacting. He supposes that, while most of his newfound skills don't affect his daily goings, every so often some things bleed through. If Radgeir and Renery really knew, how much more he sees when they talk, they'd probably be uncomfortable. It's not magic though.

He pulls the tablet to him, and he can't help but check. He gets Alliance mails every day. Sometimes three or four times a day. It could be something banal like a change of doctrine, a traffic warning, this or that corp or person AWOXing or joining. Or, it could be Zenariae.

Ah, it is her. He skims it, because he can't resist. It's a long one, no real upset words. And a giant smiley. He smiles despite himself.

Renery leans over the table, and grabs the top of his screen. "I want to see!"

"Hey!"

"Come on! You don't get to have another girl in your life without sharing!"

"I'm not sharing..."

"Gotta share! I want to meet her...  She's gotta measure up to this! I've got a checklist!"

"Could you not...? She wants to come here and look for dresses. Nice dresses," he says, indicating a high collar. "Tell me where I can take her."

"No, I want to see her!"

"Don't be a brat! I want this date!" Aedre says with a certain desperate force that makes Renery pause.

"...Fine. Mom's favourite shop is pretty amazing. It's got Amarrian lines, too, if you're into that kind of thing..."

Aedre wrinkles his nose with the juxtaposition of his parents and Amarr again, but it's his imagination. He realizes he's actually still annoyed with Radgeir about it. ...Ah, and he thought he wasn't...

"But it's good for being presentable, you know? And they do banding really well... And the more cool stuff has really great structure. Is she rich? Can she afford Mom's kind of place?"

"...I don't know."

"I guess you’re both Capsuleers, maybe a place like that might take ISK instead…? Hee hee, how cute... Still fumbling around with who’s paying for what?"

"What are you teasing me for?! You're not exactly dating either!"

"Haha, so defensive! Mom and dad are going to flip out."

"No they're not. I don't recall them caring about politics stuff."

"I guess, but I can totally imagine them flipping out."

"They're going to sit around and be sort of miffed that I didn't pick some Caillian princess to be seen with."

Renery giggles, in a way that might also be derisive. "They'd be much happier if you married an actual princess. Lycan royalty maybe. You know? Better a celebrity than a Capsuleer, to them. At least they can leverage stardom."

Aedre grunts. "They could leverage a Capsuleer even more!"

"But do you want them to?"  Renery cocks her shoulders cheekily. "That's what I'm doing. They're behind the times. Capsuleers not all inhuman monsters, but, they're still just as powerful as the mythology would have us believe. So~ You take up with a nice one, and make infinity bucks forever."

"A dazzling business strategy... I'm worried about its integrity because I understand any of it." He taps the table. "You need to get me that outline for your project..."  

She licks her lips, ice-cream sated.  "You underestimate me. --I'm brilliant. Oh. You have to write back to your girlfriend~. I'll send you the coords for mom's store." Renery gets up, to leave him to do that.

"Coordinates...?"

"Yeah, that's what you Capsuleers say, right? "Coords~"  she says, air quoting. "I'm totally stalking your public channels."

"Please don't..."

"It's funny."

"...It's not funny..."

"That's your problem, Aedre. Whatever. Have fun with your new girlfriend. I want pictures. You're on a date; take some selfiiies~"

Aedre frowns predictably, and she giggles, and frolics away, no doubt to meet up with friends or something. Some ordinary thing Caillians do. She was always better at pretending to do it.

Well. There’s no way he could concentrate enough to write a proper response here…

There’s a few places in the city that someone familiar with it know they can sit quietly. Such places have some sort of almost magical quality to them. Sometimes, despite being in plain sight and available to all, a set of couches or even a window sill goes untouched. As a student, unwilling to go home, but unwilling to study in an environment as unfashionable in the same way as a classroom, the feeling of most study halls, labs, or even campus houses, Aedre knew many of the public spaces that stayed especially free of loitering people without losing any of the charm of not being at home or school. There was a spot at the top of a local mall. Half of it was a food court, but the other half had several stores - things people seemed to rarely go to, but stayed open indefinitely all the same. There was the second floor of some kind of public hall, too. He thinks it’s for conferences, but never bothered to look it up. It’s not uncommon to not even know what some of these buildings, partially open to foot traffic, are even for.  There’s a section in the theatre plaza that runs towards the river where long row of stone and crystal seats run along it inside. Nobody ever seems to gather here either.

It’s at one of these myriad of spaces that he decides to rest. Rad isn’t going to interrupt - no one is, until he’s done. He’s actually totally free.

He sits, resting his light shoulder bag down next to him. This is his city, his home… But he’s not a student anymore. He doesn’t have to work, like these people that are passing him. All of them… They’re going somewhere, to do something. He has nothing to do, no where to be, for the rest of the day. Maybe the rest of his life, if he chose to.

You’re free to take this in… He listens to footsteps. Watches self-absorbed Caillians begin to worry about their evenings, finishing with their day…

None of these people, probably, are going to pick up soon, and go ‘back to Placid’ or Black Rise…

None of them are going to pick themselves up again, and get into a ship again, and strain to hear the FC’s commands. Strain to see where the web is coming from. Strain to find the Rook who’s pilot’s name starts with S-T-A.

He can hear his commander’s voice…

No one who passes him sees a Caillian who is leaving soon. Who will shortly be picking up a clipboard, and nervously standing in a boardroom, with a huge, stern-looking Civre.

He lets his shoulders slowly relax. He has to focus on it several times. The way some look up at the stars to cathartically feel small and their problems even smaller, Aedre lets himself be just one of many, as more and more pass him without so much as seeing him, half-cross-legged on the clean floor, underneath a huge half-forest of a planter set into the centre of the half-underground complex.

Zenariae’s mail…  He takes it out and quietly reads it properly. The Winds blow everywhere.