i am a SUCKER for how you write dean's relationship with love, it's riddled and convoluted and scary and he wants it so bad. and the other day i saw this sylvia plath quote “i need a father. i need a mother. i need some older, wiser being to talk to. i talk to god but the sky is empty.” plastered onto a pic of dean and it riddled me with interesting visions. dean with a hunter!reader who’s also, only ever known how to be the eldest child, because it’s smth that’s forged the more integral parts of dean, especially how he tackles love.
at first they would probably want to gut each other. dean can come off as a manchild and that’d be reader’s very antithesis. and to dean everything was simple. his dad gave him a job, and he did it. he’s still doin it. sometimes he fears it’s all he can do, protect sammy and hunt. it’s not like he can leave it. so he’s never unpacked ‘it’, and he sure as hell doesn’t talk about it.
and now here comes this person who’s jagged under the same weight. softer on some of the edges where dean is not, and rougher where dean is softer, balancing the other out – but there’s enough parallel to forcibly expose the soft underbelly underneath all their polishing.
a lot of her defenses become futile, because dean uses the same ones. reader thinks maybe it’s not wrong to be a bit selfish, because it’s not right when dean diminishes himself and chalks it up to duty. they learn how to receive and who they’d like to be. all in all, it faces them with desires and inhibitions and lessons that they’d otherwise shy away from.
it scares them shitless. it also makes them want more. i think you can tell who else also wants more based on this concerningly long ask. it’s so intriguing. wdyt.
well first off, thank you very much for your kind words about my writing. i, too have a lot of thoughts about dean, which is why i wanted to make sure i got them all in order for you. hopefully i did alright. i have said many times that dean has his own room in my mind. so of course i’m jumping into your own thoughts feet-first.
well, let’s get this quote in here, because damn, if that isn’t dean. that ‘the sky is empty’ is really sticking out to me because of that ep14 of season 5 when dean is quite literally begging the sky (god/heaven) for help. it’s a low moment, yet dean does it anyway, does the unspeakable: asks for help. and yet, nothing. no one comes. so yes. the sky is empty. ouchie.
dean, being the eldest, holds on simultaneously too tight and not tight enough—especially when it comes to the people in his life. so when this hunter comes into his life, he’s conflicted. does he let them get close to him, and the entire thing goes up in flames later on? or does he push them away, keep them at arms’ length—dean’s twisted idea of not getting hurt by not experiencing the feeling at all? it’s a slippery slope. dean rides it poorly.
i agree with your prediction that dean and this reader would want to shoot each other point-blank upon first impressions. dean is the only decision-maker, in his mind. to him, his ideas, his plans, his decisions are gospel. they are the way, and no one else is allowed to make a different decision, because dean is always right… right? in reality, dean thinks dean is always right, and that’s about it. but when reader comes into the picture, they’re difficult. they don’t go with the flow. they’re questioning, they’re making different suggestions—and even if their ideas are better, dean refuses to listen. refuses to acknowledge that he could be wrong.
this is why they bristle so hard at first. while dean has always been the leader, the one in control, the one who is always right (in his mind), it’s hard to have someone else who is naturally (or maybe forced under pressure early on in age) a leader to be around. yet he must accept that some people (reader) have better ideas than him. and maybe, just maybe, they’re right, too.
still, dean wants to be the one in control always, because so much of his life has been controlled by something or someone else. and reader, being the oldest, they had to look out for ‘men like him’. because men like him are dangerous, right? cocky, kind of a dick, and way too controlling—it should measure up to a one way ticket to wherever the hell dean is not located in.
yet, something stops reader in their tracks. they see how dean beats himself up when something goes wrong—like it somehow was solely his fault over something that was completely out of his control. he takes his job seriously, they realize. almost too seriously. they see how he treats the people, the victims he meets as if they were all his family. how the guilt eats him up if he loses someone—even if there was a team on the case, he shoulders the blame solely for himself. now, this reader knows that things are out of their control. they were either taught, or they learned very quickly—and somehow, dean has not learned this. dean is a pit of guilt and self-deprecation, while reader is the other side of the coin: sure of themselves, exuding the confidence from deep within that dean only wears as a paper mask. it’s the pitfall that neutralizes reader’s defense against dean, when they realize that maybe, dean isn’t that cocky asshole after all. it’s just the part he plays.
dean’s jealous, at first, of reader’s ability to just… let it all roll of their back. while he bottles up everything until he eventually explodes, reader is more emotionally regulated, because of being the eldest. this, paired with dean’s simultaneous lack of accountability and shouldering weight that isn’t his to carry, along with the overall seesaw that is their relationship, creates the parallel. as you said, this parallel opens both dean and reader up to one another: dean, forced to deal with emotions he hasn’t before and being utterly helpless, while reader, forced into dealing with emotions that they know, but don’t want to deal with—because deep down, they don’t deem their emotions as valid, either.
somewhere along the line, dean discovers this fact about reader. perhaps he realizes that maybe they aren’t all that different. they both find comfort in one another after this, since their entire lives, they’ve been putting someone else’s needs and feelings above their own; and while technically, they’re doing the same by being there for each other, it feels better. safer, knowing that the other has been through what they have been through.
after a while, they become each other’s safe space. they’re almost too vulnerable around each other, once the soft, weak underbelly of both of them have been exposed. now, this softer, more quiet, more vulnerable side is all the other sees of them—no more façades. no more hiding. they become the other’s place to rest after a long day of being in charge, making all the decisions. they’re both pliant and so unbelievably patient with one another, because they’re not competing for anything. dean lets himself feel more emotions with reader’s help, to not hold on so tight, but hold on with more meaning. they teach each other things, things that they’d never imagine letting themselves feel or do—but both of them want to try. for each other.
not to put pressure on you or anything, but please please write something for dean if you feel so inclined! your thoughts and sentiments are beautifully composed in this ask. i’m blown away by your articulation of dean’s psyche. you get him, so i know you’d do great in giving him and reader a real story (unless… you want me to write more about it? wink wink). him and this reader are more than full-fledged fic worthy. i’d love to read it, and i wholeheartedly believe you would do them justice <3
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