ethereal @aeloist - Tumblr Blog

Break-Ups are wank at the best of times - what you're dealing with is even worse. Objectively, you know things will get better so all I can do is wish for you to have the strength you need in the bits that are shit (and hope that I can have it too)

I hope so, too. Thank you

day three - relapsing

TRIGGER WARNING

I haven’t been well lately. This is an understatement. I haven’t been well for a long time. As someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety in the past- I could say that this time around, it’s worse. I relapsed today, three years after the last time i’ve s*lf-h*rmed. The thoughts of su*cide seem to get louder everyday, with me thinking of ways of how to do it, which never happened. It was always wanting to die, never about actually doing the deed. I started dreaming about it. I can’t escape from the thoughts. I’ve started writing a note in case, and i’m constantly thinking about the people I’ll leave behind. I don’t want to leave them behind. I don’t want them to hurt, to suffer. I don’t want them to grieve. But i’m so tired. Everything is too painful.

day two - grief

i saw a post about how grief could be a funny thing- at one moment you’re perfectly fine and the next thing you know you’re bawling your eyes out. i’ve had my fair share of the said moments- and I couldn’t seem to run out of tears. it’s frustrating.

i went to see my ex yesterday. we still are best friends, and we want our friendship to come first. it was good seeing him after weeks. the afternoon said otherwise, and that’s when everything started to sink in. our friend left to do school requirements and we were left alone in his flat, the silence and tension enveloping us both. i couldn’t breathe, i couldn’t shut my thoughts away. he decided to take a nap. i was miserable.

we went drinking with some of his college buddies and i got really drunk. i got to say what i wanted, cried when i had to. i was able to open up about my past tonhis friends, something ive had trouble with my circle. i woke up today pretty empty, and cried some more before i left. he held me tightly through everything. i know he’s sorry, and we both didn’t want things to be this way. his closeness would always feel like home to me. he would always feel like home to me. even when i feel like dying right now, there’s that unmistakable sense of freedom. i feel a lot more lighter despite feeling like the world’s crashing down on me.

day one - everything

Let me start off by saying 2019 has been my worst year so far.

I’ve experienced a lot this year- a death, a rejection, and a breakup all in the span of 6 months. I’ve lost more than I could handle.

My aunt was murdered by someone who supposedly should have kept her safe. We spent days looking for her only to find out that she was in her room, left there like a piece of meat. I saw the crime scene photo, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I saw the marks she left on her murderer, she tried to fight him off. He was too strong. I still think about what happened everyday. We didn’t get to grieve. We spent the nearly entirety of her wake at the local police station. She was my best friend growing up, just a few years older than me. She was the kindest, most gentle person. A person you could say was truly pure at heart. Before her death, we talked about the future. She was graduating soon, and I could remember her excitedly telling me about her future plans. She wanted to be a lawyer. She wanted to settle with her long-term boyfriend. She wanted a life of her own. She deserved all of the freedom and happiness in the world. I still can’t believe that she was robbed off of all of it.

Her death happened in the middle of finals. I was doing my best to keep my grades afloat at the time, because I had a goal to transfer to a different uni, my dream uni. I felt relieved when I finally got my grades, and thought that maybe it was a new beginning. A brand new start. I’ve wanted to get in the longest time. Maybe this time, things would get better. After submitting my application, I found out that I lacked a few units, a course’s worth to be eligible for transfer. They told me I should probably try again next year. I was devastated. I wanted to get out of my city because it reminded me of the hell that ensued, and knowing i’ll be stuck for god knows when, it hurt. It scares me. I felt trapped and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then came the relationship. Throughout everything, there was that one person who helped me through all of it. He’s been my best friend for about three years, and had been my rock for everything. I was in love with him a while back, but my feelings faded. I found myself falling back in last June, and I know he he felt the same way. He confessed on September 13, a friday. I felt the happiest i’ve ever been. Maybe this time, things would get better. It didn’t last very long, and on November 20, he started to change. A week after, he broke up with me right in the middle of finals. Even if it was short-lived, it was one of the most painful experiences i’ve ever had. He was the person I trusted the most, the person I least expected to hurt me but had the most power to do so. He promised me a lot, made sure to convinve me that he was so sure of this- only to leave me when I finally let my guard down.

This year has been filled with pain and grief. They say it’s easier to feel all the pain at once. But what if it comes to you in big waves you don’t anticipate? A person can only handle so much. I’m just truly tired. I don’t know where to go from here.

since my blog is very dead

I’ve decided to turn this into a journaling page. I’m not in the best headspace right now, and it has honestly been the worst year of my life so far. I don’t feel like i’m myself at all- it’s as if my soul’s in a completely different place. I don’t know what to do with the pain, and I wonder if it’s all I’ll ever know. It’s a gruelling process.