A Nonsense Anthology by a Bespectacled Daydreamer

82. INTJ. Mind Wanderer.

[aerea011]

You know your anxiety got so bad when even just text notifications already make you jump.

I was just sleeping when I got an alert for a text of my deliveries coming today. The notification came one after another and that really woke me up. It's not even a loud message tone but I could feel my heart stopping and then pounding hard. I knew I was nervous which made it reminiscent of the times I was working in my corporate job. I always felt this when I would get text messages from my boss asking me to do a lot of stuff for him, or when I anticipate a reminder that I haven't turned in my reports yet. Or when I expect a meeting coming up while I'm late to work. There was nothing I thought I was expecting today so there shouldn't have been any reason for me to get on edge over a few texts.

I don't tell a lot of people but my work anxiety was one of the MANY reasons I left. I didn't want to let my performance go worse because I couldn't manage stress and anxiety as well as people had hoped, so I quit before other people would realize what a mess I was. Aside that it wasn't a healthy work culture and environment for me, I didn't want people to think I was incompetent, I didn't want them to see me get worse the longer I stay and show them how I'm failing to cope. And I know that no matter how I try to open up to my boss or the HR or anyone in my workplace, they would think I'm the problem, not the systems we have in place, not our work culture. Because even when I had an 8 to 5 job, people always expected you to be right on call.

This feeling of being unable to manage was very new to me because I was used to being a brilliant student, getting on top of everything that needed to be done. But whenever I was at work, I felt like a colossal mess. I know other people would think I'm doing okay, but I always hold myself to a higher standard and just okay is usually never enough for me. And that just added to the pressure of being seen and expected as an achiever.

I honestly thought I'm getting better and better now after taking quite a long time away from work. I'm doing even well responding to texts and chats and holding myself in interviews. At least in the past two interviews, one of which gave me a job offer I declines. Waking up today, I decided maybe I just needed to change my message alert and ring tones.

I honestly believe I'm ready to be back, and that I will be able to manage myself and my work better. I prolly just need a change that's quite different from my past workplace.

[aerea011]

My head hurts so much, whatever my brother did to me today, I can't shake the thought that I wish I'd just die off it so that I can be free of everything.

I'm not su1cid4l but it's times like this that I just wanna leave everything behind and become just nothing.

[aerea011]

Mirror selfies

[aerea011]

From coffee to caramel, celebrating every shade of brown.

[aerea011]

I haven't been as much of a fan of Taylor Swift as I was in high school. I barely know all her newer songs. But it's kinda nostalgic watching the Eras Tour and jamming with her songs that I listened to in high school and college, with friends from both high school and college!

Casey told me to wear a TS-inspired outfit so I chose an autumn vibe from her Evermore Album (I don't even know the songs there though 😂). Now it seemed my outfit was over the top as they wore casual clothes. But it was also thanks to her that I went to watch it. I wouldn't have if not for her.

[quotemadness]

Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humor, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible.

Lisa Kleypas

[aerea011]

Muh beibiz

[aerea011]

I've been lagging behind so much on anime for the past 5-6 years. Just felt too formulaic and overdramatic for me, but here's one of the good ones.

[aerea011]

[aerea011]

I’m honestly considering leaving tumblr and moving on to another blogsite or just write on my journal on notion because of all the fake accounts following me. When you look at them, they’re just accounts looking for hookups. It’s all the notifications I’ve been getting lately from tumblr and it has kinda pissed me off. I just removed my self-photo as my avatar changed my age on my description to 70 to see if I’d get fewer of those spams.

Tumblr used to be such a cool place where people shared their thoughts, emotions and experiences. Now it seems to be just a hookup/dating site.

[brightwanderer]

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

[aerea011]

Christmas 2022

[aerea011]

It's the twin's birthday!

[quotemadness]

“So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me because I, too, am fluent in silence.”

— R. Arnold

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“She dressed herself in confidence everyday and refused to wear anybody else’s insecurities.”

— a.j.lawless

[aerea011]

This page really hits home.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Progress. Just make progress. It’s OK to have setbacks … It’s OK to draw a line in the sand and start over again - and again. Just make sure you’re moving the line forward … Take baby steps, but at least take steps that stop you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.”

— Lysa TerKeurst