you're not supposed to be here

you're not supposed to be reading this.

[yms1]

staying up late ain’t even fun anymore it’s just sad

[thoughtkick]

It had been a long day, and I don’t mind saying that I cried a little bit. There is nothing wrong with crying at the end of a long day.

Lemony Snicket (via thoughtkick)

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I wish I didn’t have to grow up thinking I can’t depend on anyone but myself.

[aerilsfieldnotes]

Feb. 20, 2022 —

Today, I did nothing but catch up on the vlogs I’m following and continue watching When the Camellia Blooms. A pretty chill day before I go back to work tomorrow. I love having these kinds of day - slow, quiet, and gloomy. 

[aerilsfieldnotes]

oh wow. it’s been 6 months since the last time i posted here lol this is an update that nobody asked for -

i’m single now. life has never been better for me. i found new friends, i’m bronze 2 now in valorant. i’m socializing more, trying out new restaurants, eating more. i cut my hair really short - probably the shortest haircut i’ve ever had. i’ve been smiling more, spending more time outside (i hate staying in my room). i’ve tried bumble and tinder (met cute, boring people). i’m talking to a bunch of guys which I stopped talking to after a week. 

there’s this one guy however who’s giving me weird feelings. weird in a positive way, maybe. he’s really nice and it feels like if i give him a chance, he’ll take really good care of me. we could talk for hours and he’ll never run out of topics. he’s really good in valorant. he’s so nice with my friends. he’s gentle but so loud at the same time. he listens to me, asks me things, makes sure i feel heard and cared for and loved. but i kept on pushing him away because i can’t commit to anyone like i don’t want to feel like i’m connected to someone. yet. just want to be alone for now. probably ‘cause i got exhausted from the 5 years and a half relationship that i just need more time for myself.

i like how i don’t feel the need to be with someone, to talk to someone. i’m just okay on my own. i don’t look or go after people just to not feel alone so i know i’m not using anyone to heal. i like this growth i’m going through i think there are moments in life where we need to experience the bad to appreciate the good things, to learn from it and be a better person.

yes, i still feel like there’s something missing in my life - and i know what that is - but right now is not the right time for that. i don’t wanna go to bed thinking about someone unless the thoughts are gonna make me happy. basically i just don’t want an unhappy relationship. so to whoever is gonna be my next, let’s be friends. really good friends. let’s go out and talk ang hangout and not rush things.

so i guess that’s it. this post is all over the place, i know whatever it’s not like anyone’s reading ok bye, hope something good happens to you today!

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I think i’ll be ok as long as we talk kahit randomly hahhahahha JOKE di ako rupok

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I keep justifying my reason but it’s not like I want to start a family RIGHT NOW. I’ve been babysitting my nephew every weekend and that’s just for 7 hours but damn, I could sleep for a week afterwards.

I don’t want to have a family right now. I can’t - not financially, not emotionally, I don’t think I’m even physically ready. If I wanted to, if I’m really that jealous and pressured with my peers, I’ve already done it. Naiinis ako pag sinasabi sakin “baka nappressure ka lang sa friends” because that’s so stupid. Creating my own family is so important to me that all that I’m doing right now, it’s to prepare me for that moment. I don’t want to rush anything, especially if the reason is because I’m jealous of other people.

[aerilsfieldnotes]

Do you know the feeling when you REALLY want something SO BAD but you know you won’t get it?

Ako na lang kasi. Di ka naman lugi sakin.

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I miss you. Bakit kasi di na lang ako gustuhin mo. Bakit kasi di na lang din ako end game mo. Yun lang naman gusto ko - gusto ko lang ng assurance na this is going to happen.

Bakit kasi di na lang ako?? AKO NA LANG KASI. Hay nako titignan ka ba ng bago mo (if magkaroon) like you mean the world to her?? Tingin ko pa lang sayo sure ka ng safe ka 101%.

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I feel like I’m always the one who loves more, who cares more, who’s more interested.

I just want to feel loved too. And not just occasionally.

[amargedom]

“Wake up every morning with a thankful attitude. Expect something good to happen in your life today.”

—

[aerilsfieldnotes]

Ayoko na matakot. Ayoko na pilitin. Ayoko na magsinungaling na okay lang kahit hindi. Ayoko na umiyak. Back-reading this blog, puro lungkot posts at iyak. Ang tagal ‘ko ng malungkot. Gusto ko naman sumaya. So ano naman if I’m sensitive? If I don’t like those things? Now I understand and actually like who I am.

I want to be cared for the way that I deserve. Hindi paulit ulit na sinasabi. Totoo nga na the way a person acts shows how they really feel about you. I don’t want to believe na just because a relationship is already in a long-term state doesn’t mean it has to be stagnant. Sobrang daming pwedeng pag-usapan and if wala na, you can just tease each other.

Hindi ko alam gagawin ko, Lord. Where I am right now, hindi siya masaya. And I don’t know how to fix it, di ko alam saan magstart. Ilang araw na naman ako di nakakatulog kakaisip pano aayusin ‘to, ilang gabi na naman ako iiyak, hating myself. I’ve always hated myself in this situation and ayoko na. Bakit lagi mo na lang ako pinapaiyak?

[aerilsfieldnotes]

2 days ng ito lang pinapakinggan ‘ko tapos every time na yung lyrics “eh ano naman kung ilang oras ang masayang..” super kilig ko HUHU wala naman ako kakikiligan pero this song shet ang sarap naman kiligen parang years na lungkot alam ‘kong emotion

Alam ‘kong para sa anak ni skusta to pero ano naman kung ilang oras ang masayang, di naman ako manghihinayang, handa akong magbabad makasama ka lang

[retiredjesus]

i’d make u grilled cheese at 2 am

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I just want a simple and quiet life. Bakit ang complicated to have something so simple?

[aerilsfieldnotes]

Lagi na lang akong malungkot. Ganito ba talaga. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. I’m not feeding this sadness, di ko rin dinadagdagan. My mind is completely blank. Everything that’s in my life right now is making me sad. I fight this every day and sometimes I win pero something always comes along to wreck that moment.

My relationship always feels like a battlefield. We’re opposites but it isn’t the kind that just clicks y’know.

[aerilsfieldnotes]

I wonder if anyone’s reading my blog hmm

Anyway life update; just bought my own desktop computer with my own MONEY!!! My bank account hates me now but I’ve been wanting to upgrade my 10-year old macbook into either new laptop or a desktop computer but since I wanna play games too, I’m now a windows 10 person and can finally relate to windows memes. I know if I prolong that decision I won’t push through eventually. I remember not getting enough sleep for 3-4 days, just researching what specs and design to request and which shop to buy from. And that moment where I finally paid the downpayment?? I’m glad that’s over. So hassle the last week but I’m happy my baby’s working well so far.

We are nearing the second half of the year!! I’m still scared of what the coming days will bring but I’m also excited because I know it won’t be bad days always. There will be good times as well!!