A Blog About Everything @aestheticsandrelics - Tumblr Blog

I haven’t been on this app in a minute. What provoked me to redownload it? I’m not sure. Call it nostalgia if you will but here I am. I moved to a new city nearly 2 years ago. I’m 2400 miles away from home and I feel like I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been.

I’ve made “friends” here but as of lately I’ve felt ostracized, abandoned, and forgotten and it’s caused me to feel a range of emotions but primarily— pain. More so because I thought I had found community here. Personally, I don’t do well with feeling like I’m thrown away by people I love. Maybe it’s my daddy issues. What’s in interesting is when I first moved, I didn’t know a soul and I didn’t feel remotely lonely.

No one forced me to move here to the Pacific Northwest from Louisiana. I get this. I’m well aware. I felt in my heart that it was time to move out of my hometown while I still wanted to move. An opportunity presented itself and I seized. I believe it’s important to move out of one’s hometown because in my opinion, that’s how one truly grows. In my almost 2 years here, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

People ask me often what miss most about home. For starter…I miss being around black people. I miss being around and connected to my culture. I miss my mother. I miss my grandmother. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss going to Tejas with them on Saturdays for brunch and we’d just cut up and laugh. Talk about any and everything and just laugh endlessly. I miss my church. Praising and worshipping God the way that I’m accustomed to. I miss the food, the food was comforting. Louisiana has the best food imaginable and I’m so happy I never took it for granted. I just miss being my authentic raw self. No code switching. No facade.

Perhaps I’m just homesick and well overdue for a visit back home. The last time I visited home was almost a year ago. What I hated is that felt like a stranger in the city I grew up and was raised in. Nevertheless, home is home.

I have a girlfriend whom I love with everything in me. She’s truly a godsend and she’s everything I prayed for in a partner…but she lives in Southern California. If I’m being honest, the distance is hard most times. We make an effort to see each other at least every two months and we’ve planned for her to move here with me in the next year. I’m sold she’s who I want to spend my life with. We met organically— in person. It was truly love at first sight.

But I still feel lonely. I’m alone. These are the facts. While I’m comfortable being alone, most times I prefer it, this isn’t healthy. I prayed to God today to send me a best friend. Someone whom I can be my authentic self with. We share common interest. Have the same faith. Loyal and trustworthy. Emotionally intelligent. Black lol.

I’m a fly in a milk bowl. A black man in a sea of white. I’m alone and I’m lonely. This is reality for me lately.