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@aflightlessbat
Introduction ⚔️🛡️
--- 🪦🗡️🪦 ---
Damian Wayne (Née Al Ghul)
26 Years Old. (1/5/2000)
Medical Student At Gotham University
The Red Knight / The Rook.
Heir to Batman.
TW: this blog contains topics such as child abuse, psychological & physical abuse, torture, murder, suicidal thoughts, SH, and canon typical violence. (though some of these topics i tend to seclude to my lit rps and i wont spring them upon anyone)
--- 🪦🗡️🪦 ---
OOC / BG INFO:
//hey, I'm just wondering if these blogs are still running. I was thinking about deleting my dick blog just cause I haven't used it much after everything happened and I have so many other side blogs
obviously if this au is still happening I dont wanna delete it but yk
@littlest-flying-grayson
// mine is, sorry- i havent used damian for much of anything recently bc ive been working on other rps and some other stuff
its completely up to you whatever you want to do tho, im just not entirely active on all my blogs constantly bc i have a lot of them,
idk abt the other ppl connected to this blog, but im sure its probably for similar reasons
For once the injuries on my face are in fact from a cat and not because I fought a strangely dressed criminal.
do you need like, a bandaid?
The cuts are miniscule at best, I'm sure I'll be fine.
bandaiddddd
That...hrn. Thank you, I suppose.
For once the injuries on my face are in fact from a cat and not because I fought a strangely dressed criminal.
do you need like, a bandaid?
The cuts are miniscule at best, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
< "I'm not asking for that– I just–" >
He says before just making a frustrated sound and scratching at the healed cuts through his clothes, needing to feel some kind of pain to properly think. It's hard enough for the scabs to open and his breathing calms a bit, focusing on the pain. Thankfully the clothes cover up all the scars and Damian wont be able to see any of the blood.
Jason doesn't know what he's asking for. He just.. wants Damian to stay and not be burdened by Jason and.. Bruce. Bruce never does anything. He knows he can't change anything and killing the man wont solve anything. It'll only create more problems even though that little voice in his head desperately wants some kind of blood, to pay for what he's done.
There is no solution to this, is there? Jason cant do anything to help but make sure he isn't as much as a problem. That he can do. Maybe he should leave– But Dick will probably get upset and that'll create more problems. Jason doesn't know what to do.
The only control he has is getting mad and running away and.. pain. Causing pain. Usually to himself. He can control that, what happens to him. It's relieving in a way, being able to control that one thing. If he wasn't with Damian he'd probably have a gun to his head by now.
The pain of his picked at scabs only makes him want to do it more. It's an urge, really. He can already hear that same voice as before repeating over and over for him to do it now but he can't. Later, he has to remind himself. He'll only cause more problems if he tries anything now.
< "I don't know how to help you, big brother." >
He whispers softly, a child asking for guidance. Part of him misses when he just had to.. lay there and do nothing, obey and listen and aren't you enjoying this? Jason doesn't know what to do anymore.
Damian's not sure what to say, just staying silent and moving to take Jason's hands gently when he seems to be scratching at his arms, not wanting him to hurt himself or anything. He frowns a bit, his eyes seem even more intensely green than before, mostly staring down and avoiding eye contact.
His expression looks pained in a way, like he's thinking too hard about this or he's trying to hold back his emotions enough that he just seems to be cracking. He takes a moment before sighing at that. Damian doesn't know either, that's clear enough.
'You don't need to, my heart. It's not your job. I'll be alright, I have you and your siblings. That's what's important to me.'
Damian says softly after a long moment of just...sitting there. He's not sure what else to say, to try and be reassuring because he's honestly not entirely certain why Jason seems so concerned about this, more so just wanting him to not worry over Damian. It's not Jason's responsibility. He cups Jason's cheek a little, rubbing his thumb against his skin.
"I couldn't ask for anything more."
He whispers in English now, just sighing softly and looking Jason over a bit, worried and nervous about him really.
Jason frowns when Damian takes his hand, tensing a bit and balling it up into a fist before forcing it to relax in Damian's hand, letting it just be puppeted around how Damian wants. He's still looking down at his hand while Damian speaks, sniffling softly.
His own eyes are glowing green too, slightly illuminating the area around them. He doesn't seem agressive though, if anything there is a sort of numbness to his expression, too exhausted by trying to explain or speak properly. At the start he used to scream and kick and beg for them to get off of him it did nothing so after a while just laying there and taking it or playing along was better. If he wasn't fighting he could pretend he wasn't there or that he wanted it. That's what they said, right?
He blinks when Damian cups his cheek, leaning into the touch almost desperately to try ground himself though the support just makes it so he just lets himself zone out a bit, not really looking or focusing anywhere in particular but keeping his head bowed and hiding his face in Damians hand.
< "I don't know what to do." >
Jason mumbles softly after a few moments, managing to ground himself enough to focus back on Damian. It's in the tone of a child who doesn't know what to do. He wants to help but he doesn't know how and what he wants never happens.
He's too overwhelmed and distressed right now to keep fighting trying to express himself so he just.. defaults to looking for an objective, an order to follow or a purpose. He doesn't know what to do.
'You don't have to know, my heart.'
Damian tries to reassure, he doesn't need Jason to find a solution, nor does he need Jason to do much of anything really. He just wants to hold his younger brother for a while longer, to not have to think so much about everything. He presses his forehead to Jason's, just shutting his eyes for a moment.
'All I want is you to be safe and okay.'
Damian says softly, he's not entirely good at comforting people, and Damian's aware of that fact. But he's trying his best to help Jason and to make him feel better, even though he fears he's only making things worse despite his efforts.
Damian seems tired, exhausted to a degree that runs deeper than simply just having a long day. Damian knows he can't stop or rest because if he does it will all fall apart and he's not sure he'll be able to get back up again. Damian just holds onto his brother for now, to at least somewhat try and do anything else but mindlessly listen to what he's told. To ignore the fact he has to go back to the manor and suit up, to ignore the fact that Bruce will become angry with him once again. If only so he can have a short moment like this with his brother.
Jason frowns at that answer, making a confused noise in response before Damian presses their foreheads together, freezing a bit at the contact before melting again, closing his eyes as well. He doesn't know what to do, why wont anyone tell him?
"You.. < You be okay too." >
He starts in English before pausing for a few moments and switching back to Arabic, everything feeling a bit foggy right now. He doesn't feel present right now and everything feels weird and out of reach.
Jason grips Damian's clothes to try have something to hold on to before slumping a bit on him, letting Damian hold the weight this time. He feels so guilty, like he should leave and not bother him anymore but Damian said he wanted.. he wanted this. Is that what he's supposed to do?
He wants to go home but he doesn't have one. Right now.. this is the closest thing so he just stays. That's all he can do right? Stay and hope others don't leave, know others will leave but still stay so he can take the attention for as long as possible or maybe it's not even thinking long term and all he can think about is how desperate he is in the moment, pushing them away. He doesn't know what to do.
Damian doesn't speak for a long moment, just holding onto Jason and trying to gather his bearings. He's not sure what to do here, how to make Jason feel better, make him not feel like he has to try and do something. Damian can handle these things on his own, even if it's exhausting and he's struggling.
'I can try.'
Damian says softly after a long moment, because if he's to be entirely honest that's the best he can do. Thats the best he has, to hold onto his brother and to say he'll try. Damian doesn't think he's capable of much more. He's not sure how to. He can try to seem like he has things together, and maybe that's all he's really got.
Damian holds Jason up, cradling his head against his shoulder and shutting his eyes briefly. If Damian can at least hold him now, comfort him for this moment, then maybe it all can be easier for just a while. For just a while.
Jason seems to be satisfied with that response, not speaking afterwards and just cuddling closer to Damian, happily taking in the affection for now. He can't allow himself to fall asleep right now, not in public but he can at least rest for a bit.
Being back in Gotham has been.. a lot and he's just always tired in some way or another. Part of him at the same time misses training, misses knowing what to do and being able to just.. not be present or aware of everything. Everything from back then mostly is blurred together. Just pain with no real end.
When Damian found him he had just killed one of his trainers and was on to the next. The training was valuable. It was another weapons expert, focused on explosives. You could say it's ironic that someone who died to an explosion learned all about them but it gives him at least some control over everything. He's used the skill a few times since he's been back in Gotham so it doesn't matter.
He was one of the.. better trainers honestly. The most of the others were connected to the league and focused on fighting as well as torture and endurance, breaking Jason and moulding him in what they wanted. He just killed them all. He almost misses it. Almost.
"You have to go.."
He eventually whispers, a statement. Not a question or accusation and Jason doesn't move to leave either. If he can't bring himself to leave the very least he can do is try make sure Damian isn't too late. Bruce will probably make some punishment related to the exact amount of time he was late or something.
Damian sighs at that, moving his hold on Jason to be a little looser, moving to look at him more. He knows Jason is right, but he still feels hesitant. He doesn't want to have to go back to working.
"You'll...you'll be alright?"
Damian says in a faint whisper, scared that if he leaves Jason won't be safe anymore. Damian has become terrified of leaving his family alone, that if he looks away they'll be hurt or killed and he won't be there in time, once again, he doesn't want to fail them.
He knows Jason can't die, but the worry is still strong and there. Damian knows that Ra's must be aware of this, that Jason's training must have been so much harsher than Damian's because of this. That's not something he ever wanted for his little brother, and it scares him to think of Jason having to deal with all of this alone.
Damian knows he can't fix everything, but he likes to think he could at least help lift that weight, that he could make things better. He won't ever force Jason to do anything, but his worries of leaving him alone are present. They're much more apparent with how hesitant he can be whenever he has to leave Jason, or whenever Jason leaves the manor, like he's debating trying to get him to stay. But that wouldn't be nice, it wouldn't be fair to him. So Damian always has to let him go.
"If...if you need me to I'll stay with you, Habibi. I promise, if you ever need me I'll be here. I'll come to you."
He whispers the promise like it's a secret, like it's fragile and Damian doesn't want that vulnerability to crumble. He's always been bad at these types of things, he just hopes his love is as apparent as it feels to him.
Jason tilts his head a bit when Damian seems to just.. stare at him for a bit, feeling vulnerable and exposed right now. He doesn't like people looking at his face. He doesn't like looking at it himself or any of him really. He looks wrong, something is wrong. He can't describe it but just something is wrong about him. Those eyes only confirm that in his mind. They're supposed to be blue.
"I'll be fine, Dami."
He mumbles, looking down and keeping his head bowed again, keeping his eyes trained on his hands in his lap. Jason will be fine. He's always just.. fine. Everything is fine. That repeats in his head over and over. He wont die. He can't. So.. it doesn't matter. It's a phrase he often repeats out loud too. How can anything that happens or has happened to him matter if he's here and alive.
But that's the problem, isn't it? That he's here? It feels like it to him. He shouldn't be here, he should be dead. Why isn't he dead? He knows the pit isn't what brought him back despite what everyone else thinks. Only Talia and Ra's know. Jason wishes it didn't. The pit only knits him back together but he just can't die for whatever reason.
Ra's exploited this of course, so did his trainers. Ra's trained him personally for a time, if you could call all those experiments and tests training. He was studying Jason, trying to figure out how he was immortal and never seemed to die. His trainers were especially skilled in physical torture and having someone who couldn't die to play with? It might as well be a gift, a treat even.
"If you're OK then.. I'll be OK."
Jason whispers back, moving a bit closer, pressing a finger on Damian's chest when he refers to him. Since he's come back and is now effectively immortal he feels like he's living on others time, living for others. He doesn't matter anymore but they do. If Damian is OK then.. Jason will be OK, he'll be happy.
"If...you're sure."
Damian mumbles a bit, looking down with an expression akin to a pout almost as he thinks. Damians facial expression rarely ever changes if he can help it, the most emotional he's ever been around Jason, was when he had first come back from the dead. Everything hurt. Damian still has scars on his body, still has that pain from his spine and the phantom pains from the scar along his chest.
Damian was just...in probably the worst place he's been in a while, after all of the shit that kept piling up. He just broke. Now he feels like he's still picking up the pieces, but he can't find some and the shards are digging into the palms of his hand and making him bleed, but he has go ignore the blood and keep looking. He has to. He has to be able to fix this.
Damian hesitantly stands, cupping Jason's face again and just looking at him with a soft but almost hesitant look before pulling away completely and moving to grab his bag.
"Text me, please. If you find the time."
He says. Damian seems tired still, adjusting his satchel over his shoulder a little and pocketing his phone again. He just looks at Jason for a long moment, that hesitation still present. As if he just wishes he could do something, anything, but leave. But eventually he sighs, waves a little, before whispering in Arabic, low enough to be heard in the empty restaurant at least:
'I love you, goodbye.'
Then he leaves the building, walking down the road and back to where he parked his car.
Jason glances back up at Damian, frowning a bit at the expression. He hopes he didn't make him mad or hurt him. Damian usually has a very neutral expression though Jason knows it's just an act. He does feel things, a lot more than anyone would know. Jason thinks he is one of the rare people who have seen Damian truely break back then on their trip back.
When Damian first found him Jason honestly thought he was some attacker and was about to kill him until he recognised that face and green eyes that were much brighter than he remembered. He barely had any time to process the fact that Damian was here before he just collapsed sobbing on to the floor.
Jason wasn't even planning on seeing the bats again, just trying to train as much as he could. He didn't have a plan after that, mostly just working in the league. Then all that was de railed by Damian who somehow found him. Even after he managed to calm him down and get him to where Jason was staying he had a panic attack a few hours later because Jason kept saying he wouldn't go back to Gotham or Bruce.
He leans into the touch, pouting a bit when it's taken away but moving to put his lenses back on as Damian stands. He blinks a bit so his eyes can adjust before looking back up at Damian, picking up the mask as well. Before he puts it on he whispers one last thing in response.
< "May you bury me first." >
Jason clips the mask on after, watching as Damian leaves. It's.. pointless to say really. They both know that Jason will live far past Damian, past everyone and everything he knows. He just isn't sure if he'll be alive.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
< "I'm not asking for that– I just–" >
He says before just making a frustrated sound and scratching at the healed cuts through his clothes, needing to feel some kind of pain to properly think. It's hard enough for the scabs to open and his breathing calms a bit, focusing on the pain. Thankfully the clothes cover up all the scars and Damian wont be able to see any of the blood.
Jason doesn't know what he's asking for. He just.. wants Damian to stay and not be burdened by Jason and.. Bruce. Bruce never does anything. He knows he can't change anything and killing the man wont solve anything. It'll only create more problems even though that little voice in his head desperately wants some kind of blood, to pay for what he's done.
There is no solution to this, is there? Jason cant do anything to help but make sure he isn't as much as a problem. That he can do. Maybe he should leave– But Dick will probably get upset and that'll create more problems. Jason doesn't know what to do.
The only control he has is getting mad and running away and.. pain. Causing pain. Usually to himself. He can control that, what happens to him. It's relieving in a way, being able to control that one thing. If he wasn't with Damian he'd probably have a gun to his head by now.
The pain of his picked at scabs only makes him want to do it more. It's an urge, really. He can already hear that same voice as before repeating over and over for him to do it now but he can't. Later, he has to remind himself. He'll only cause more problems if he tries anything now.
< "I don't know how to help you, big brother." >
He whispers softly, a child asking for guidance. Part of him misses when he just had to.. lay there and do nothing, obey and listen and aren't you enjoying this? Jason doesn't know what to do anymore.
Damian's not sure what to say, just staying silent and moving to take Jason's hands gently when he seems to be scratching at his arms, not wanting him to hurt himself or anything. He frowns a bit, his eyes seem even more intensely green than before, mostly staring down and avoiding eye contact.
His expression looks pained in a way, like he's thinking too hard about this or he's trying to hold back his emotions enough that he just seems to be cracking. He takes a moment before sighing at that. Damian doesn't know either, that's clear enough.
'You don't need to, my heart. It's not your job. I'll be alright, I have you and your siblings. That's what's important to me.'
Damian says softly after a long moment of just...sitting there. He's not sure what else to say, to try and be reassuring because he's honestly not entirely certain why Jason seems so concerned about this, more so just wanting him to not worry over Damian. It's not Jason's responsibility. He cups Jason's cheek a little, rubbing his thumb against his skin.
"I couldn't ask for anything more."
He whispers in English now, just sighing softly and looking Jason over a bit, worried and nervous about him really.
Jason frowns when Damian takes his hand, tensing a bit and balling it up into a fist before forcing it to relax in Damian's hand, letting it just be puppeted around how Damian wants. He's still looking down at his hand while Damian speaks, sniffling softly.
His own eyes are glowing green too, slightly illuminating the area around them. He doesn't seem agressive though, if anything there is a sort of numbness to his expression, too exhausted by trying to explain or speak properly. At the start he used to scream and kick and beg for them to get off of him it did nothing so after a while just laying there and taking it or playing along was better. If he wasn't fighting he could pretend he wasn't there or that he wanted it. That's what they said, right?
He blinks when Damian cups his cheek, leaning into the touch almost desperately to try ground himself though the support just makes it so he just lets himself zone out a bit, not really looking or focusing anywhere in particular but keeping his head bowed and hiding his face in Damians hand.
< "I don't know what to do." >
Jason mumbles softly after a few moments, managing to ground himself enough to focus back on Damian. It's in the tone of a child who doesn't know what to do. He wants to help but he doesn't know how and what he wants never happens.
He's too overwhelmed and distressed right now to keep fighting trying to express himself so he just.. defaults to looking for an objective, an order to follow or a purpose. He doesn't know what to do.
'You don't have to know, my heart.'
Damian tries to reassure, he doesn't need Jason to find a solution, nor does he need Jason to do much of anything really. He just wants to hold his younger brother for a while longer, to not have to think so much about everything. He presses his forehead to Jason's, just shutting his eyes for a moment.
'All I want is you to be safe and okay.'
Damian says softly, he's not entirely good at comforting people, and Damian's aware of that fact. But he's trying his best to help Jason and to make him feel better, even though he fears he's only making things worse despite his efforts.
Damian seems tired, exhausted to a degree that runs deeper than simply just having a long day. Damian knows he can't stop or rest because if he does it will all fall apart and he's not sure he'll be able to get back up again. Damian just holds onto his brother for now, to at least somewhat try and do anything else but mindlessly listen to what he's told. To ignore the fact he has to go back to the manor and suit up, to ignore the fact that Bruce will become angry with him once again. If only so he can have a short moment like this with his brother.
Jason frowns at that answer, making a confused noise in response before Damian presses their foreheads together, freezing a bit at the contact before melting again, closing his eyes as well. He doesn't know what to do, why wont anyone tell him?
"You.. < You be okay too." >
He starts in English before pausing for a few moments and switching back to Arabic, everything feeling a bit foggy right now. He doesn't feel present right now and everything feels weird and out of reach.
Jason grips Damian's clothes to try have something to hold on to before slumping a bit on him, letting Damian hold the weight this time. He feels so guilty, like he should leave and not bother him anymore but Damian said he wanted.. he wanted this. Is that what he's supposed to do?
He wants to go home but he doesn't have one. Right now.. this is the closest thing so he just stays. That's all he can do right? Stay and hope others don't leave, know others will leave but still stay so he can take the attention for as long as possible or maybe it's not even thinking long term and all he can think about is how desperate he is in the moment, pushing them away. He doesn't know what to do.
Damian doesn't speak for a long moment, just holding onto Jason and trying to gather his bearings. He's not sure what to do here, how to make Jason feel better, make him not feel like he has to try and do something. Damian can handle these things on his own, even if it's exhausting and he's struggling.
'I can try.'
Damian says softly after a long moment, because if he's to be entirely honest that's the best he can do. Thats the best he has, to hold onto his brother and to say he'll try. Damian doesn't think he's capable of much more. He's not sure how to. He can try to seem like he has things together, and maybe that's all he's really got.
Damian holds Jason up, cradling his head against his shoulder and shutting his eyes briefly. If Damian can at least hold him now, comfort him for this moment, then maybe it all can be easier for just a while. For just a while.
Jason seems to be satisfied with that response, not speaking afterwards and just cuddling closer to Damian, happily taking in the affection for now. He can't allow himself to fall asleep right now, not in public but he can at least rest for a bit.
Being back in Gotham has been.. a lot and he's just always tired in some way or another. Part of him at the same time misses training, misses knowing what to do and being able to just.. not be present or aware of everything. Everything from back then mostly is blurred together. Just pain with no real end.
When Damian found him he had just killed one of his trainers and was on to the next. The training was valuable. It was another weapons expert, focused on explosives. You could say it's ironic that someone who died to an explosion learned all about them but it gives him at least some control over everything. He's used the skill a few times since he's been back in Gotham so it doesn't matter.
He was one of the.. better trainers honestly. The most of the others were connected to the league and focused on fighting as well as torture and endurance, breaking Jason and moulding him in what they wanted. He just killed them all. He almost misses it. Almost.
"You have to go.."
He eventually whispers, a statement. Not a question or accusation and Jason doesn't move to leave either. If he can't bring himself to leave the very least he can do is try make sure Damian isn't too late. Bruce will probably make some punishment related to the exact amount of time he was late or something.
Damian sighs at that, moving his hold on Jason to be a little looser, moving to look at him more. He knows Jason is right, but he still feels hesitant. He doesn't want to have to go back to working.
"You'll...you'll be alright?"
Damian says in a faint whisper, scared that if he leaves Jason won't be safe anymore. Damian has become terrified of leaving his family alone, that if he looks away they'll be hurt or killed and he won't be there in time, once again, he doesn't want to fail them.
He knows Jason can't die, but the worry is still strong and there. Damian knows that Ra's must be aware of this, that Jason's training must have been so much harsher than Damian's because of this. That's not something he ever wanted for his little brother, and it scares him to think of Jason having to deal with all of this alone.
Damian knows he can't fix everything, but he likes to think he could at least help lift that weight, that he could make things better. He won't ever force Jason to do anything, but his worries of leaving him alone are present. They're much more apparent with how hesitant he can be whenever he has to leave Jason, or whenever Jason leaves the manor, like he's debating trying to get him to stay. But that wouldn't be nice, it wouldn't be fair to him. So Damian always has to let him go.
"If...if you need me to I'll stay with you, Habibi. I promise, if you ever need me I'll be here. I'll come to you."
He whispers the promise like it's a secret, like it's fragile and Damian doesn't want that vulnerability to crumble. He's always been bad at these types of things, he just hopes his love is as apparent as it feels to him.
Jason tilts his head a bit when Damian seems to just.. stare at him for a bit, feeling vulnerable and exposed right now. He doesn't like people looking at his face. He doesn't like looking at it himself or any of him really. He looks wrong, something is wrong. He can't describe it but just something is wrong about him. Those eyes only confirm that in his mind. They're supposed to be blue.
"I'll be fine, Dami."
He mumbles, looking down and keeping his head bowed again, keeping his eyes trained on his hands in his lap. Jason will be fine. He's always just.. fine. Everything is fine. That repeats in his head over and over. He wont die. He can't. So.. it doesn't matter. It's a phrase he often repeats out loud too. How can anything that happens or has happened to him matter if he's here and alive.
But that's the problem, isn't it? That he's here? It feels like it to him. He shouldn't be here, he should be dead. Why isn't he dead? He knows the pit isn't what brought him back despite what everyone else thinks. Only Talia and Ra's know. Jason wishes it didn't. The pit only knits him back together but he just can't die for whatever reason.
Ra's exploited this of course, so did his trainers. Ra's trained him personally for a time, if you could call all those experiments and tests training. He was studying Jason, trying to figure out how he was immortal and never seemed to die. His trainers were especially skilled in physical torture and having someone who couldn't die to play with? It might as well be a gift, a treat even.
"If you're OK then.. I'll be OK."
Jason whispers back, moving a bit closer, pressing a finger on Damian's chest when he refers to him. Since he's come back and is now effectively immortal he feels like he's living on others time, living for others. He doesn't matter anymore but they do. If Damian is OK then.. Jason will be OK, he'll be happy.
"If...you're sure."
Damian mumbles a bit, looking down with an expression akin to a pout almost as he thinks. Damians facial expression rarely ever changes if he can help it, the most emotional he's ever been around Jason, was when he had first come back from the dead. Everything hurt. Damian still has scars on his body, still has that pain from his spine and the phantom pains from the scar along his chest.
Damian was just...in probably the worst place he's been in a while, after all of the shit that kept piling up. He just broke. Now he feels like he's still picking up the pieces, but he can't find some and the shards are digging into the palms of his hand and making him bleed, but he has go ignore the blood and keep looking. He has to. He has to be able to fix this.
Damian hesitantly stands, cupping Jason's face again and just looking at him with a soft but almost hesitant look before pulling away completely and moving to grab his bag.
"Text me, please. If you find the time."
He says. Damian seems tired still, adjusting his satchel over his shoulder a little and pocketing his phone again. He just looks at Jason for a long moment, that hesitation still present. As if he just wishes he could do something, anything, but leave. But eventually he sighs, waves a little, before whispering in Arabic, low enough to be heard in the empty restaurant at least:
'I love you, goodbye.'
Then he leaves the building, walking down the road and back to where he parked his car.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
< "I'm not asking for that– I just–" >
He says before just making a frustrated sound and scratching at the healed cuts through his clothes, needing to feel some kind of pain to properly think. It's hard enough for the scabs to open and his breathing calms a bit, focusing on the pain. Thankfully the clothes cover up all the scars and Damian wont be able to see any of the blood.
Jason doesn't know what he's asking for. He just.. wants Damian to stay and not be burdened by Jason and.. Bruce. Bruce never does anything. He knows he can't change anything and killing the man wont solve anything. It'll only create more problems even though that little voice in his head desperately wants some kind of blood, to pay for what he's done.
There is no solution to this, is there? Jason cant do anything to help but make sure he isn't as much as a problem. That he can do. Maybe he should leave– But Dick will probably get upset and that'll create more problems. Jason doesn't know what to do.
The only control he has is getting mad and running away and.. pain. Causing pain. Usually to himself. He can control that, what happens to him. It's relieving in a way, being able to control that one thing. If he wasn't with Damian he'd probably have a gun to his head by now.
The pain of his picked at scabs only makes him want to do it more. It's an urge, really. He can already hear that same voice as before repeating over and over for him to do it now but he can't. Later, he has to remind himself. He'll only cause more problems if he tries anything now.
< "I don't know how to help you, big brother." >
He whispers softly, a child asking for guidance. Part of him misses when he just had to.. lay there and do nothing, obey and listen and aren't you enjoying this? Jason doesn't know what to do anymore.
Damian's not sure what to say, just staying silent and moving to take Jason's hands gently when he seems to be scratching at his arms, not wanting him to hurt himself or anything. He frowns a bit, his eyes seem even more intensely green than before, mostly staring down and avoiding eye contact.
His expression looks pained in a way, like he's thinking too hard about this or he's trying to hold back his emotions enough that he just seems to be cracking. He takes a moment before sighing at that. Damian doesn't know either, that's clear enough.
'You don't need to, my heart. It's not your job. I'll be alright, I have you and your siblings. That's what's important to me.'
Damian says softly after a long moment of just...sitting there. He's not sure what else to say, to try and be reassuring because he's honestly not entirely certain why Jason seems so concerned about this, more so just wanting him to not worry over Damian. It's not Jason's responsibility. He cups Jason's cheek a little, rubbing his thumb against his skin.
"I couldn't ask for anything more."
He whispers in English now, just sighing softly and looking Jason over a bit, worried and nervous about him really.
Jason frowns when Damian takes his hand, tensing a bit and balling it up into a fist before forcing it to relax in Damian's hand, letting it just be puppeted around how Damian wants. He's still looking down at his hand while Damian speaks, sniffling softly.
His own eyes are glowing green too, slightly illuminating the area around them. He doesn't seem agressive though, if anything there is a sort of numbness to his expression, too exhausted by trying to explain or speak properly. At the start he used to scream and kick and beg for them to get off of him it did nothing so after a while just laying there and taking it or playing along was better. If he wasn't fighting he could pretend he wasn't there or that he wanted it. That's what they said, right?
He blinks when Damian cups his cheek, leaning into the touch almost desperately to try ground himself though the support just makes it so he just lets himself zone out a bit, not really looking or focusing anywhere in particular but keeping his head bowed and hiding his face in Damians hand.
< "I don't know what to do." >
Jason mumbles softly after a few moments, managing to ground himself enough to focus back on Damian. It's in the tone of a child who doesn't know what to do. He wants to help but he doesn't know how and what he wants never happens.
He's too overwhelmed and distressed right now to keep fighting trying to express himself so he just.. defaults to looking for an objective, an order to follow or a purpose. He doesn't know what to do.
'You don't have to know, my heart.'
Damian tries to reassure, he doesn't need Jason to find a solution, nor does he need Jason to do much of anything really. He just wants to hold his younger brother for a while longer, to not have to think so much about everything. He presses his forehead to Jason's, just shutting his eyes for a moment.
'All I want is you to be safe and okay.'
Damian says softly, he's not entirely good at comforting people, and Damian's aware of that fact. But he's trying his best to help Jason and to make him feel better, even though he fears he's only making things worse despite his efforts.
Damian seems tired, exhausted to a degree that runs deeper than simply just having a long day. Damian knows he can't stop or rest because if he does it will all fall apart and he's not sure he'll be able to get back up again. Damian just holds onto his brother for now, to at least somewhat try and do anything else but mindlessly listen to what he's told. To ignore the fact he has to go back to the manor and suit up, to ignore the fact that Bruce will become angry with him once again. If only so he can have a short moment like this with his brother.
Jason frowns at that answer, making a confused noise in response before Damian presses their foreheads together, freezing a bit at the contact before melting again, closing his eyes as well. He doesn't know what to do, why wont anyone tell him?
"You.. < You be okay too." >
He starts in English before pausing for a few moments and switching back to Arabic, everything feeling a bit foggy right now. He doesn't feel present right now and everything feels weird and out of reach.
Jason grips Damian's clothes to try have something to hold on to before slumping a bit on him, letting Damian hold the weight this time. He feels so guilty, like he should leave and not bother him anymore but Damian said he wanted.. he wanted this. Is that what he's supposed to do?
He wants to go home but he doesn't have one. Right now.. this is the closest thing so he just stays. That's all he can do right? Stay and hope others don't leave, know others will leave but still stay so he can take the attention for as long as possible or maybe it's not even thinking long term and all he can think about is how desperate he is in the moment, pushing them away. He doesn't know what to do.
Damian doesn't speak for a long moment, just holding onto Jason and trying to gather his bearings. He's not sure what to do here, how to make Jason feel better, make him not feel like he has to try and do something. Damian can handle these things on his own, even if it's exhausting and he's struggling.
'I can try.'
Damian says softly after a long moment, because if he's to be entirely honest that's the best he can do. Thats the best he has, to hold onto his brother and to say he'll try. Damian doesn't think he's capable of much more. He's not sure how to. He can try to seem like he has things together, and maybe that's all he's really got.
Damian holds Jason up, cradling his head against his shoulder and shutting his eyes briefly. If Damian can at least hold him now, comfort him for this moment, then maybe it all can be easier for just a while. For just a while.
Jason seems to be satisfied with that response, not speaking afterwards and just cuddling closer to Damian, happily taking in the affection for now. He can't allow himself to fall asleep right now, not in public but he can at least rest for a bit.
Being back in Gotham has been.. a lot and he's just always tired in some way or another. Part of him at the same time misses training, misses knowing what to do and being able to just.. not be present or aware of everything. Everything from back then mostly is blurred together. Just pain with no real end.
When Damian found him he had just killed one of his trainers and was on to the next. The training was valuable. It was another weapons expert, focused on explosives. You could say it's ironic that someone who died to an explosion learned all about them but it gives him at least some control over everything. He's used the skill a few times since he's been back in Gotham so it doesn't matter.
He was one of the.. better trainers honestly. The most of the others were connected to the league and focused on fighting as well as torture and endurance, breaking Jason and moulding him in what they wanted. He just killed them all. He almost misses it. Almost.
"You have to go.."
He eventually whispers, a statement. Not a question or accusation and Jason doesn't move to leave either. If he can't bring himself to leave the very least he can do is try make sure Damian isn't too late. Bruce will probably make some punishment related to the exact amount of time he was late or something.
Damian sighs at that, moving his hold on Jason to be a little looser, moving to look at him more. He knows Jason is right, but he still feels hesitant. He doesn't want to have to go back to working.
"You'll...you'll be alright?"
Damian says in a faint whisper, scared that if he leaves Jason won't be safe anymore. Damian has become terrified of leaving his family alone, that if he looks away they'll be hurt or killed and he won't be there in time, once again, he doesn't want to fail them.
He knows Jason can't die, but the worry is still strong and there. Damian knows that Ra's must be aware of this, that Jason's training must have been so much harsher than Damian's because of this. That's not something he ever wanted for his little brother, and it scares him to think of Jason having to deal with all of this alone.
Damian knows he can't fix everything, but he likes to think he could at least help lift that weight, that he could make things better. He won't ever force Jason to do anything, but his worries of leaving him alone are present. They're much more apparent with how hesitant he can be whenever he has to leave Jason, or whenever Jason leaves the manor, like he's debating trying to get him to stay. But that wouldn't be nice, it wouldn't be fair to him. So Damian always has to let him go.
"If...if you need me to I'll stay with you, Habibi. I promise, if you ever need me I'll be here. I'll come to you."
He whispers the promise like it's a secret, like it's fragile and Damian doesn't want that vulnerability to crumble. He's always been bad at these types of things, he just hopes his love is as apparent as it feels to him.
there's so much potential to damian's metal spine but it's just not being used 😔
dami with chronic pain....
dami wearing a spine brace...
dami when he was in recovery and in pain...
dami getting comforted by his family...
shall I say more??
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
< "I'm not asking for that– I just–" >
He says before just making a frustrated sound and scratching at the healed cuts through his clothes, needing to feel some kind of pain to properly think. It's hard enough for the scabs to open and his breathing calms a bit, focusing on the pain. Thankfully the clothes cover up all the scars and Damian wont be able to see any of the blood.
Jason doesn't know what he's asking for. He just.. wants Damian to stay and not be burdened by Jason and.. Bruce. Bruce never does anything. He knows he can't change anything and killing the man wont solve anything. It'll only create more problems even though that little voice in his head desperately wants some kind of blood, to pay for what he's done.
There is no solution to this, is there? Jason cant do anything to help but make sure he isn't as much as a problem. That he can do. Maybe he should leave– But Dick will probably get upset and that'll create more problems. Jason doesn't know what to do.
The only control he has is getting mad and running away and.. pain. Causing pain. Usually to himself. He can control that, what happens to him. It's relieving in a way, being able to control that one thing. If he wasn't with Damian he'd probably have a gun to his head by now.
The pain of his picked at scabs only makes him want to do it more. It's an urge, really. He can already hear that same voice as before repeating over and over for him to do it now but he can't. Later, he has to remind himself. He'll only cause more problems if he tries anything now.
< "I don't know how to help you, big brother." >
He whispers softly, a child asking for guidance. Part of him misses when he just had to.. lay there and do nothing, obey and listen and aren't you enjoying this? Jason doesn't know what to do anymore.
Damian's not sure what to say, just staying silent and moving to take Jason's hands gently when he seems to be scratching at his arms, not wanting him to hurt himself or anything. He frowns a bit, his eyes seem even more intensely green than before, mostly staring down and avoiding eye contact.
His expression looks pained in a way, like he's thinking too hard about this or he's trying to hold back his emotions enough that he just seems to be cracking. He takes a moment before sighing at that. Damian doesn't know either, that's clear enough.
'You don't need to, my heart. It's not your job. I'll be alright, I have you and your siblings. That's what's important to me.'
Damian says softly after a long moment of just...sitting there. He's not sure what else to say, to try and be reassuring because he's honestly not entirely certain why Jason seems so concerned about this, more so just wanting him to not worry over Damian. It's not Jason's responsibility. He cups Jason's cheek a little, rubbing his thumb against his skin.
"I couldn't ask for anything more."
He whispers in English now, just sighing softly and looking Jason over a bit, worried and nervous about him really.
Jason frowns when Damian takes his hand, tensing a bit and balling it up into a fist before forcing it to relax in Damian's hand, letting it just be puppeted around how Damian wants. He's still looking down at his hand while Damian speaks, sniffling softly.
His own eyes are glowing green too, slightly illuminating the area around them. He doesn't seem agressive though, if anything there is a sort of numbness to his expression, too exhausted by trying to explain or speak properly. At the start he used to scream and kick and beg for them to get off of him it did nothing so after a while just laying there and taking it or playing along was better. If he wasn't fighting he could pretend he wasn't there or that he wanted it. That's what they said, right?
He blinks when Damian cups his cheek, leaning into the touch almost desperately to try ground himself though the support just makes it so he just lets himself zone out a bit, not really looking or focusing anywhere in particular but keeping his head bowed and hiding his face in Damians hand.
< "I don't know what to do." >
Jason mumbles softly after a few moments, managing to ground himself enough to focus back on Damian. It's in the tone of a child who doesn't know what to do. He wants to help but he doesn't know how and what he wants never happens.
He's too overwhelmed and distressed right now to keep fighting trying to express himself so he just.. defaults to looking for an objective, an order to follow or a purpose. He doesn't know what to do.
'You don't have to know, my heart.'
Damian tries to reassure, he doesn't need Jason to find a solution, nor does he need Jason to do much of anything really. He just wants to hold his younger brother for a while longer, to not have to think so much about everything. He presses his forehead to Jason's, just shutting his eyes for a moment.
'All I want is you to be safe and okay.'
Damian says softly, he's not entirely good at comforting people, and Damian's aware of that fact. But he's trying his best to help Jason and to make him feel better, even though he fears he's only making things worse despite his efforts.
Damian seems tired, exhausted to a degree that runs deeper than simply just having a long day. Damian knows he can't stop or rest because if he does it will all fall apart and he's not sure he'll be able to get back up again. Damian just holds onto his brother for now, to at least somewhat try and do anything else but mindlessly listen to what he's told. To ignore the fact he has to go back to the manor and suit up, to ignore the fact that Bruce will become angry with him once again. If only so he can have a short moment like this with his brother.
Jason frowns at that answer, making a confused noise in response before Damian presses their foreheads together, freezing a bit at the contact before melting again, closing his eyes as well. He doesn't know what to do, why wont anyone tell him?
"You.. < You be okay too." >
He starts in English before pausing for a few moments and switching back to Arabic, everything feeling a bit foggy right now. He doesn't feel present right now and everything feels weird and out of reach.
Jason grips Damian's clothes to try have something to hold on to before slumping a bit on him, letting Damian hold the weight this time. He feels so guilty, like he should leave and not bother him anymore but Damian said he wanted.. he wanted this. Is that what he's supposed to do?
He wants to go home but he doesn't have one. Right now.. this is the closest thing so he just stays. That's all he can do right? Stay and hope others don't leave, know others will leave but still stay so he can take the attention for as long as possible or maybe it's not even thinking long term and all he can think about is how desperate he is in the moment, pushing them away. He doesn't know what to do.
Damian doesn't speak for a long moment, just holding onto Jason and trying to gather his bearings. He's not sure what to do here, how to make Jason feel better, make him not feel like he has to try and do something. Damian can handle these things on his own, even if it's exhausting and he's struggling.
'I can try.'
Damian says softly after a long moment, because if he's to be entirely honest that's the best he can do. Thats the best he has, to hold onto his brother and to say he'll try. Damian doesn't think he's capable of much more. He's not sure how to. He can try to seem like he has things together, and maybe that's all he's really got.
Damian holds Jason up, cradling his head against his shoulder and shutting his eyes briefly. If Damian can at least hold him now, comfort him for this moment, then maybe it all can be easier for just a while. For just a while.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
< "I'm not asking for that– I just–" >
He says before just making a frustrated sound and scratching at the healed cuts through his clothes, needing to feel some kind of pain to properly think. It's hard enough for the scabs to open and his breathing calms a bit, focusing on the pain. Thankfully the clothes cover up all the scars and Damian wont be able to see any of the blood.
Jason doesn't know what he's asking for. He just.. wants Damian to stay and not be burdened by Jason and.. Bruce. Bruce never does anything. He knows he can't change anything and killing the man wont solve anything. It'll only create more problems even though that little voice in his head desperately wants some kind of blood, to pay for what he's done.
There is no solution to this, is there? Jason cant do anything to help but make sure he isn't as much as a problem. That he can do. Maybe he should leave– But Dick will probably get upset and that'll create more problems. Jason doesn't know what to do.
The only control he has is getting mad and running away and.. pain. Causing pain. Usually to himself. He can control that, what happens to him. It's relieving in a way, being able to control that one thing. If he wasn't with Damian he'd probably have a gun to his head by now.
The pain of his picked at scabs only makes him want to do it more. It's an urge, really. He can already hear that same voice as before repeating over and over for him to do it now but he can't. Later, he has to remind himself. He'll only cause more problems if he tries anything now.
< "I don't know how to help you, big brother." >
He whispers softly, a child asking for guidance. Part of him misses when he just had to.. lay there and do nothing, obey and listen and aren't you enjoying this? Jason doesn't know what to do anymore.
Damian's not sure what to say, just staying silent and moving to take Jason's hands gently when he seems to be scratching at his arms, not wanting him to hurt himself or anything. He frowns a bit, his eyes seem even more intensely green than before, mostly staring down and avoiding eye contact.
His expression looks pained in a way, like he's thinking too hard about this or he's trying to hold back his emotions enough that he just seems to be cracking. He takes a moment before sighing at that. Damian doesn't know either, that's clear enough.
'You don't need to, my heart. It's not your job. I'll be alright, I have you and your siblings. That's what's important to me.'
Damian says softly after a long moment of just...sitting there. He's not sure what else to say, to try and be reassuring because he's honestly not entirely certain why Jason seems so concerned about this, more so just wanting him to not worry over Damian. It's not Jason's responsibility. He cups Jason's cheek a little, rubbing his thumb against his skin.
"I couldn't ask for anything more."
He whispers in English now, just sighing softly and looking Jason over a bit, worried and nervous about him really.
Jason frowns when Damian takes his hand, tensing a bit and balling it up into a fist before forcing it to relax in Damian's hand, letting it just be puppeted around how Damian wants. He's still looking down at his hand while Damian speaks, sniffling softly.
His own eyes are glowing green too, slightly illuminating the area around them. He doesn't seem agressive though, if anything there is a sort of numbness to his expression, too exhausted by trying to explain or speak properly. At the start he used to scream and kick and beg for them to get off of him it did nothing so after a while just laying there and taking it or playing along was better. If he wasn't fighting he could pretend he wasn't there or that he wanted it. That's what they said, right?
He blinks when Damian cups his cheek, leaning into the touch almost desperately to try ground himself though the support just makes it so he just lets himself zone out a bit, not really looking or focusing anywhere in particular but keeping his head bowed and hiding his face in Damians hand.
< "I don't know what to do." >
Jason mumbles softly after a few moments, managing to ground himself enough to focus back on Damian. It's in the tone of a child who doesn't know what to do. He wants to help but he doesn't know how and what he wants never happens.
He's too overwhelmed and distressed right now to keep fighting trying to express himself so he just.. defaults to looking for an objective, an order to follow or a purpose. He doesn't know what to do.
'You don't have to know, my heart.'
Damian tries to reassure, he doesn't need Jason to find a solution, nor does he need Jason to do much of anything really. He just wants to hold his younger brother for a while longer, to not have to think so much about everything. He presses his forehead to Jason's, just shutting his eyes for a moment.
'All I want is you to be safe and okay.'
Damian says softly, he's not entirely good at comforting people, and Damian's aware of that fact. But he's trying his best to help Jason and to make him feel better, even though he fears he's only making things worse despite his efforts.
Damian seems tired, exhausted to a degree that runs deeper than simply just having a long day. Damian knows he can't stop or rest because if he does it will all fall apart and he's not sure he'll be able to get back up again. Damian just holds onto his brother for now, to at least somewhat try and do anything else but mindlessly listen to what he's told. To ignore the fact he has to go back to the manor and suit up, to ignore the fact that Bruce will become angry with him once again. If only so he can have a short moment like this with his brother.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
< "I'm not asking for that– I just–" >
He says before just making a frustrated sound and scratching at the healed cuts through his clothes, needing to feel some kind of pain to properly think. It's hard enough for the scabs to open and his breathing calms a bit, focusing on the pain. Thankfully the clothes cover up all the scars and Damian wont be able to see any of the blood.
Jason doesn't know what he's asking for. He just.. wants Damian to stay and not be burdened by Jason and.. Bruce. Bruce never does anything. He knows he can't change anything and killing the man wont solve anything. It'll only create more problems even though that little voice in his head desperately wants some kind of blood, to pay for what he's done.
There is no solution to this, is there? Jason cant do anything to help but make sure he isn't as much as a problem. That he can do. Maybe he should leave– But Dick will probably get upset and that'll create more problems. Jason doesn't know what to do.
The only control he has is getting mad and running away and.. pain. Causing pain. Usually to himself. He can control that, what happens to him. It's relieving in a way, being able to control that one thing. If he wasn't with Damian he'd probably have a gun to his head by now.
The pain of his picked at scabs only makes him want to do it more. It's an urge, really. He can already hear that same voice as before repeating over and over for him to do it now but he can't. Later, he has to remind himself. He'll only cause more problems if he tries anything now.
< "I don't know how to help you, big brother." >
He whispers softly, a child asking for guidance. Part of him misses when he just had to.. lay there and do nothing, obey and listen and aren't you enjoying this? Jason doesn't know what to do anymore.
Damian's not sure what to say, just staying silent and moving to take Jason's hands gently when he seems to be scratching at his arms, not wanting him to hurt himself or anything. He frowns a bit, his eyes seem even more intensely green than before, mostly staring down and avoiding eye contact.
His expression looks pained in a way, like he's thinking too hard about this or he's trying to hold back his emotions enough that he just seems to be cracking. He takes a moment before sighing at that. Damian doesn't know either, that's clear enough.
'You don't need to, my heart. It's not your job. I'll be alright, I have you and your siblings. That's what's important to me.'
Damian says softly after a long moment of just...sitting there. He's not sure what else to say, to try and be reassuring because he's honestly not entirely certain why Jason seems so concerned about this, more so just wanting him to not worry over Damian. It's not Jason's responsibility. He cups Jason's cheek a little, rubbing his thumb against his skin.
"I couldn't ask for anything more."
He whispers in English now, just sighing softly and looking Jason over a bit, worried and nervous about him really.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason feels his heart breaking slowly at those words, still gripping Damians clothes and happily coming closer, as much as physically possible right now. All the love names only make him melt more, something they share with Arabic.
Damian only learned Jason knew the language when he used to comfort Damian in Arabic whenever he would mumble the language to himself, trying to ground him or get through to him. After that they both used the language quite often.
Jason was better at understanding it and creating sentences since half of the time he was exposed to it he wasn't allowed to talk while Damian could pronounce words better due to his muscle memory from childhood but sometimes struggled in grammar and sentence structure so speaking it more helped them both improve.
Now they usually use it in front of the others since they dont fully understand the language or in more private moments like this. It used to be something that made him uncomfortable due to.. some of the times when it was spoken to him, a soft voice whispering in his ear on top of him. Why did they always say that it was fine? That it was good?
< "You are not trying to." >
He huffs in response, still nuzzling his face in Damians neck despite his frustration. It's probably mean but he just wants Damian to not have to do those things. Jason knows he doesn't want to so why is he?
'I have tried. I can't abandon you all, Jason. I won't.'
Damian says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice is breaking a little and he leans his head onto Jason's. He opens them again hesitantly, and sighs deeply. Whenever Damian tries to run he's always dragged back here, and he finds his attempts are always futile and make things worse. Damian doesn't want that for his family. He wants to protect them.
He wishes it was easy as just running away and living the life he's always wanted. Maybe that's what school has been, at least one step in the direction of something he's more passionate about. If he were to get all he wished for he'd continue all of this, never have to become anyone's heir. To be his own person, and to stay with the people he loves, being able to stay with his family and protect them easily, to keep them all safe.
But life isn't that simple, and Damian has never deserved to get what he wants. He can't be selfish, it's wrong of him and it's never based in reality. Akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Damian can't run from this, never again. He can't. He feels trapped, and as if the walls of his birthright are suffocating him, but he can't do anything about it. He can't leave.
'I wish it were that easy, but I can't be selfish like that again. I can't leave you all with him, and he will never accept it if I try and refuse.'
Damian remembers the way Bruce had reacted when Damian had returned. The way he looked at him. For months anytime they ever spoke to each other it would devolve into some lecture, as if Bruce had been saving all of this anger for the time that Damian finally came back crawling to him. Damian only ever felt ashamed, he allowed it to happen, rarely ever arguing back with him unless it involved one of the other kids, which was fairly often since
Bruce seemed to realize how that affected him. As if he was looking for a reason to hurt him. If Damian fought back then maybe it would feel better and warranted. Damian could tell he was finding his buttons but he just let it happen. He was too tired to do anything, too...done with it all. If that's how Bruce reacted to him leaving he can't imagine what he'd do if he knew where Damian ended up running to, or if Damian pulled the same stunt again.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason takes a few seconds just to compose himself, hiding his face in Damians clothes and attempting to open his mouth a few times and just speak. He stopped breathing a while ago and you could assume he's dead if not for the tight grip he has on Damian's clothes like someone might take him away from Jason.
< "You're supposed to be our brother, not some heir. You promised." >
He eventually mumbles in Arabic, still hiding his face in Damian's neck. If it wasn't for how close he was the meaning and sound would probably be lost. After he finally speaks his breathing at the every least continues, slowly and shallow. It's childish and Jason rarely even calls Damian any sort of title like that, only now when he did first. Dami is more common, my blood even if they aren't related in that way.
It's not clear what Jason is exactly referring to, the promise. He's always been one to hate any sort of lies or people not doing what they promised or said they would. Again, something childish. Damian promised only one thing, when Jason was a kid that he would protect him from Bruce.
This is not related to that but in his mind isn't it? Damian promised to protect him from Bruce but if Damian himself is hurt then Jason feels like he is. He doesn't like being controlled and tied down so why should Damian. It's not right. Ra's originally tried to groom him for the role of heir as well considering the fact it seemed Damian was more loyal to Bruce. He does not want that. He doesn't want that for Damian either. Why can't get this one thing that he wants?
Damian pauses, he blinks, moving to hold Jason somewhat closer. He doesn't respond for a good moment before opening his mouth and closing it, hesitating.
'I am still your brother. That will never change.'
He responds in Arabic as well, considering Jason is fluent in it now Damian finds himself speaking his mother tongue much more. He feels that he almost missed it, the familiar words. Now all he feels is a deep exhaustion.
'...I can't escape this, my heart.'
There's a hopelessness etched into the core of his words, something he's experienced since he was a child. Damian only wishes that he could have been stronger and wiser, to have accepted his fate earlier and not given way to such childish notions, like he could leave this life. Damian is no longer a naive idiot, he's learned. Even in death he was brought back, only to return to this life. He will never be free of it, he only hopes that when he finally dies he will be allowed to rest. Even if the concept makes him feel a guilt in his bones.
'All I can promise is that I will always love you, my brother.'
He says it shakily and with his face close to Jason, his words a whisper, like it's a secret. Damian wishes he could give Jason more, but he knows he'll never be able to solve everything that is wrong with this world. He just hopes being here and loving his siblings is enough.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
"No– You didn't–"
Jason quickly interjects when Damian starts blaming himself. He isn't upset because of something Damian did, he just can't get Damian to understand that it isn't his fault. He feels like his throat is closing up like always in these situations when he needs to, when he wants to speak and argue or do something. Anything. But he isn't supposed to.
His wants do not matter, do they? If they did then he'd actually get what he wanted once but he never does. He just wanted someone to stay, something impossible and too much of an ask it seems. He just wants to be dead. Jason is supposed to just listen and obey no matter how much he screams and runs and fights it doesn't matter. He'll still be alive.
"No, no, no. You aren't."
He argues, if Jason seeming more distressed and refusing to believe Damian counts. He grabs onto his clothes, tears staining them a bit. Damian isn't just some heir, why does he think that? It's wrong. And he seems to just accept it–
Damian frowns, he's not sure how but he seems to just be making things worse. That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He hates seeing Jason seem so sad, and he tries to be gentle, moving to rub his back a little. His heart is racing a bit, more panicked than he's letting on because he's not exactly sure what to do. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he just wants Jason to be okay.
"I...I'm not sure what to do, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel bad, Akhi."
Damian whispers softly, taking a deep breath and holding onto his brother as gently as he can while still trying to be comforting. Damian doesn't know really how to do that, even when he was much younger and taking care of Duke when he was little he was unsure how to help him. Damian always just feels like he's making people upset without meaning to, one way or another.
He's not sure if Jason's protests are just him denying the truth of the situation or him trying to shift the blame onto himself, but Damian doesn't care, he just doesn't want Jason to be so upset. He wants to help, he's just not sure how.
Jason.
@aflightlessbat
.. Yes, Dami?
Only checking in. How are you?
Sure you are.
'M fine. How are you?
I do not need anything from you, if I did, I would make that clear.
I'm alright. I haven't seen you in quite a while, are you doing well on your own?
Uh huh.
Yeah, 'm fine. I can take care of myself.
I know, dear. I'm only making sure. I'd like to see you again if you're welcome to it.
Hmph.. I'm near the Batburger in the Narrows. Want any?
Sure. I'll be there. You left your jacket in my room, by the way.
'Kayyy. Be quick.
Oh so that's where it was. Can you bring it with you?
I'll try, traffic is annoying.
I'm leaving from work, I can have Cass drop it off when she patrols later?
Can’t you just like climb the buildings and get there?
‘Kay. How long was your shift?
I'm not abandoning my car, Jason.
6 hours. Was supposed to be 5 but they asked me to stay for longer for a patient. Why?
Boring.
No reasonnnn. Come as quickly as a car can.
Right.
I'll be there in five, dear. Could you order a bat-mite meal for Dick too? I'm sure he'll ask later, was upset earlier when I had to leave too.
I already ordered it that’s why you needa hurry up!!
I just said I'd be there in five, I'm not getting pulled over for mediocre fast food, Jay.
Thank you, though.
You hate meeee.
I know a good place for your sensitive palette nearby don’t worry.
I don't hate you. Quite the opposite.
You say this like you actually enjoy greasy Batburger food. I'm pulling in.
Sureee.
I actually do. Better than nothing at least..
If eating batburger is easier than anything else, then I'm just happy you're eating.
Most of it is meat products anyways, which is my main reasoning for not liking it.
'M tired, usually I'd make my own food.
Sure it is. You just don't like fast food in general.
Have you been sleeping enough?
No, I don't. The main reasoning for not liking a burger place is because it has meat products and nothing else. Fast food in general is a different story.
Yeah, why?
Suree. N' what kinda story?
Because you said you were tired.
I feel if I describe it you'd call me pretentious.
People can be tired even if they got enough sleep.
Depends, is it a pretentious reason?
I was only checking. Get some rest when you can.
Is saying it tastes like grease and dirt pretentious? It feels pretentious.
Yeah, yeah. I can look after myself, you don't need to hover over me.
I mean thats more personal taste but at least you're self aware.
Hrn. Alright.
Thank you? I think.
Hmph.
Eh.. more or else.
Oo my batmite is here one seconddddd
That's great, Jason.
Come to the car once you're done, I'm getting my food and then we can eat in the parking lot.
Yeah.. Do we have to eat in the car?
If you don't want to we can eat somewhere else. Only suggesting since we're getting food from different places.
We can find a park or a rooftop?
Uhh... I don' mind either. Just not the car.
Alright, love.
I can park somewhere by the restaurant and we can find a roof to sit on, more privacy that way.
..Mhm. Thanks, Dami.
Damian is sitting outside in his car, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waits for Jason to come outside. It's a small black car that isn't too flashy or anything, considering he doesn't tend to like being pointed out much nor does he need to drive one of Bruce's million dollar vehicles everywhere.
His car works fine, and he has the money to repair it when he needs to. He'd bought it himself, though of course with Bruce's money. Father didn't seem to mind the purchase at least, or he hadn't been listening entirely when Damian told him about it a few years ago.
The car is still running, and it's at least somewhat recognizable because of a bumper sticker that Duke had bought Damian for Christmas one year that is simply a white rectangle with black font that reads 'This is the back of the car.' Damian had only put it on because Duke had forced him to.
Damian's been fairly worried about Jason ever since they got back from the League, and everything there really, but he's always worried about everything. He tries not to be overbearing about it but tends to fail in that regard. He checks out his window towards the Batburger once again as he waits.
Jason was in Batburger getting his stuff, two batmite meals. One was for Dick and the other for himself. Both of the toys are for Dick, obviously. The kid has quite the collection considering every time someone goes to Batburger they have to get him a toy or he cries. There is a new line of toys so the kid will probably like that.
They've only been back in Gotham for a year, Damian, Dick and.. himself. Well, Dick just moved here. It's been a bit of an adjustment but Jason is trying to at least be there for the kid unlike someone. He thinks the kid likes him if Dick clinging to him whenever he's around and insisting he stays in his room most of the time is anything to go by.
He's been staying in Crime Alley for around 3 days by now though, something with Bruce. He doesn't exactly remember. The pit works different for him then it does Damian and Talia but he hasn't exactly told Damian that or anyone. Not that he would tell Bruce at all, he'd rather die again and again and as many times as needed. The man thinks that the pit brought him back to life but Jason hasn't told anyone how he came back. Not even Damian. He thinks Talia hasn't told him anything about Jason at least.
He exits the building with the two boxes in his hand, staring up at the wall, contemplating if he can just climb it up to the roof. Jason was supposed to meet Damian though so he looks back at the parking lot, spotting his shitty car. He seriously doesn't understand why he has that when Bruce has like 20 sports cars or something.
Either way he approaches the car, disappearing out of Damian's line of sight for a second before appearing behind the car, hoping to scare him as he stands near the car door, just behind his head, a modulated voice speaking.
"Hi."
Damian tenses a bit in a slight flinch though it's not much of a reaction as he goes to glare at Jason before unlocking the door to let him in. Damian sighs.
He's in his hospital scrubs, light blue with a white sleeves shirt beneath it plus his lanyard. It's a simple white one with a few pins on it, mostly just the one that has his pronouns on it, a small golden caduceus symbol, and a small Batgirl 1 pin. He has a few different pins of different superheroes of his family, but he tends to spread them out among his bags and other things. Only one he doesn't have is a Red Knight pin.
His eyes are glowing a bright green, they mostly get to be like that after he's had a particularly long day or if he's just...not feeling great in general. His back has been bothering him more, but he hasn't really addressed the issues really.
"Hello Jason."
Damian speaks as Jason enters the vehicle, looking around the area a bit. The car's interior is especially clean, besides a few of Dick's things in the back seat that he's left in there.
Jason snorts softly which translates to a crackle, grinning happily since he managed to catch Damian off guard before moving to the other side of the car. Another thing he hasn't explained, how exactly he got better at fighting. Damian knows he trained in the league, he isn't an idiot. Jason just never explained what his training exactly was.
He makes sure to fake being weaker and less skilled to not draw too much suspicion but it also causes him to look extremely reckless, even more than before. He never spars either though he does help Dick out a bit, basics so he doesn't get hurt or captured in the field. He doesn't need to answer his own questions of what would happen if he and Damian or even Bruce sparred.
Jason sits down on his knees, facing Damian, in the car. It's not relaxed and it's in a way that he's not sitting properly because he's ready to get up and leave at any moment. Damian said they wouldn't eat in the car.
He's wearing the normal mask over his eyes and the muzzle over his mouth. He got a look from Damian for the choice but he just said it was for the modulator and because unlike the others he actually wants to hide his face. Part of the reason is also because it feels familiar in a way, right.
"Here's Dickie's meal and toy for later."
Jason says, putting one of the meal boxes in the back with the rest of the kids stuff, his own in his other hand behind him.
"Alright...thank you. Where was the place you said?"
Damian asks softly, opening the GPS on his phone which is attached to a small holding stand on the dashboard. There's a bluetooth option to hook up to the car for music, though Damian rarely ever uses it, preferring to drive in silence. Duke always judges him for that, but he finds it to be the most relaxing part of his day.
He does look Jason over a bit, noting the fact he's wearing the muzzle and mask and all. It's not entirely what Damian would go with, but his cowl is more akin to a knight's helmet, so he shouldn't be too judgmental he supposes. It's Jason's choice anyways. Steph has always preferred to keep her face entirely covered, but that was more so originally because she was working against her own father.
Jason seems fairly tense with being in the car still so Damian wants to make this part of the trip quick. He would suggest just not getting anything for himself but Jason will probably press, so he decides to get at least something small that he might not finish entirely. He doesn't feel especially hungry right now. He's not sure but his appetite has been weird since dying, for a while everything just tasted like ash, it's a bit better...more spicy foods tend to be easier to eat, for whatever reason.
Damian was fairly out of it once he was revived anyways, he slaughtered many, blood that still stains his hands that he can't let anyone know about. Especially Bruce. Then afterwards he just, felt like he was barely awake and alive sometimes. Death felt like...a strange moment of peace, it was painful of course, being impaled violently and choking on his own blood, but after that it...was almost nice. He felt selfish for thinking so. People need him.
"Uh.. Just nearby. We can walk."
Jason leans a bit out of the car to point around the block. He's been going to the place a little bit when he's too tired or.. injured to cook. He likes cooking but it's been a while since he was in the states or could really eat anything substantial since he came back.
Right now Jason just wants to get out of the car. Small spaces make him feel anxious, trapped and like he's banging on that coffin door all over again. Damian could start the car and.. do something if he wanted if he closed the door which is why it's still open right now.
He also has a red jacket with a hoodie on and a black, turtleneck undershirt with some armour underneath as part of his suit, Jason's choice as well. It's not like the others which is more dress up like but practical.
He honestly wears this stuff more often than not considering the fact he doesn't have a civilian identity, even in the manor. It also covers all his skin which is helpful, the gloves and hoodie hiding his hands and the rest of his face respectfully. The gloves also help when he has injuries there.
Damian's eyes are glowing he notes, looking into them. They are similar to his own but considering the fact they are hidden majority of the time the others don't often see them. They're different. He doesn't like it. Why does he look so different?
Damian only hums in response, moving to park the car and turn it off, taking the key out and opening his own door. He grabs his work bag from behind his seat, it's a small brown satchel with his lunch and a few other things including his wallet and some notes and his laptop, since he tends to work on his homework and all when he has breaks, sometimes even on cases if he can get away with it. He tends to hide in the maintenance closets during his breaks anyways. The janitor has only caught him once but she didn't seem to care considering he wasn't touching or taking anything.
He runs a hand through his hair a bit and clenches his teeth when his back screams at him a bit for standing. He resists the urge to try to relieve the pain by stretching or rubbing at the area, instead keeping his face and body neutral, not showing the pain. He looks over to Jason curiously as he waits.
Damian knows that Jason is aware of everything to do with his spine, everyone is, but Damian has only really told three people about the fact it was still causing him pain. That being his mother, Jonathan, and Jason of course. Jason...really that was only because when he was freshly revived he was too out of it to mask the pain at all. Talia knew because she eventually found out about it from Ra's and Bruce. Jonathan- well Jonathan knows everything.
Damian remembers having to explain it to Jason, that he was paralyzed for a while until Ra's offered to give him a life changing surgery that would fix it, replacing his entire spine. The surgery was successful but...it was Grandfather. He had found a way to worm his way into Damian's life and head once again. Bruce still doesn't trust Damian, not the way he used to. Damian wishes he could have stopped himself, but he couldn't.
Then again, he had to get his spine replaced once again to take out whatever mind controlling technology was in it. Damian felt like a living puppet, it was terrifying. He still has nightmares about that loss of control. He had to practically relearn how to walk, and the pain is still there, it wasn't perfect. His legs are weaker than they were before, and his back likes to remind him of the fact his bones are made of foreign material. But Damian doesn't have time to dwell on it all, he has responsibilities.
Jason gets out of the car, closing the door behind him and walking over to Damian's side, grabbing his other hand without a word or really acknowledging it as he leads the way.
He knows about Damian's back pain and really everything involving the pit considering the fact he was the one there only a month after Damian was dipped in it. Jason helped him a few times especially when the man wouldn't rest even though Jason could clearly see he was in pain. He usually just picked him up or something and made him lay down.
Jason himself wasn't in the best condition but that was mostly mentally so he didn't really say anything and focused on Damian. He honestly didn't say anything, literally. They never liked when he spoke even after he got the ability to back. Neither of them were that talkative at the time anyways so they focused on helping Damian walk more and getting back to Gotham. Then Dick entered the picture and they were both looking after him.
Jason leads them over to the store, it's a smaller one and most of the signs are in Arabic with translations. He greets the owner before sitting down on one of the seats and letting Damian pick out what he wants, opening his meal and taking out the burger for himself. They usually let him just chill in here in the corner and sometimes help out with the translations so that's nice.
Damian blinks when Jason takes his hand, moving to lock the car before letting the younger man lead him to their destination. He glances around the store curiously before ordering in Arabic, which seems to please the man at the counter almost. He orders some tabouleh in a small to-go container with pita bread on the side. He doesn't want anything too filling, so he just gets something small. It looks fairly good so he's happy with it as he goes to sit down across from Jason.
"Do you want to just stay here for now or go to a roof?"
Damian questions softly. The relief of sitting now is definitely nicer on his back from the walking but he wants to know Jason's opinion. He seems to be fine with just eating here but Damian wants to check with his brother before he begins to eat.
Damian's always been overly considerate of others feelings and opinions but it's almost doubled since the pit. He's quieter now, is obedient of peoples wishes in a way that's at this point, concerning. He apologizes a lot more for things that weren't his fault, and he is completely conflict avoidant. He used to argue more, challenge people on the things they say, now unless it's simple friendly bickering, all he does is follow what other people want and say.
"I don't mind. What do you want?"
Jason says, bringing the box and the burger itself in his lap, curling around it almost. He's so much bigger now but he still has some of the mannerisms of a child, curling up to make himself smaller but only when he's more comfortable. In the manor he never curls up like this.
Back when Damian and him were traveling back to Gotham he would often do the same thing, making himself smaller when they were alone and resting. If he's small enough maybe no one will notice him or hurt him. It's a protective position too he can easily brace for an impact in. That's usually why it wasn't allowed.
Jason wont say he hasn't noticed Damian being more.. obedient or just in general. He didn't know him much before he died but he at the very least objected sometimes to Bruce. That made him feel better in a way. Now he doesn't do any of that and just shrugs off whatever the man does. He hates it.
Jason hates the idea of being just some good little soldier. He never got to object or even speak. Just laid there and obeyed. Maybe they would be easier on him then. Now a days he's always being reckless or disobedient, arguing in anyway he can. Maybe it's just to get some form of control back.
"I don't mind either...I suppose it's easier to stay."
Damian says softly, moving to open his food and look it over a bit, it's obvious he's searching for signs of poison, using his spoon to sniff at the salad a bit before eating it. It tastes fine, the lemon juice dressing definitely makes it taste more like something Damian doesn't want to throw out at least.
Damian looks Jason over a bit, the way he's curled into himself and all. That seems to be how he sits when he's more comfortable. Damian in comparison is sat completely straight, legs folded neatly. It's less of a comfort and more of a habit honestly. Damian's manners have been drilled into him since he was a child, and now they're simply something he latches onto at times.
Damian rarely ever lets himself be truly comfortable, not even when he's alone. It feels like something he's not deserving of, something he isn't allowed to have. Even in the manor, a place he's lived in for 14 years now, his bedroom tends to be practically bare, identical to any of the guest rooms in the house besides the things that Dick or his other siblings will leave in there, it barely has any signs of life. His car is similar. He has the art studio, and that's probably it. The only room he tends to let himself free in. He doesn't paint as often as he used to.
"Things have...been going well then?"
Damian asks, looking towards his brother with a look laced in some concern. His eyes are still bright green, the pit seems to have changed him in a different way than others. Damian just finds himself feeling less in control of everything, really.
Jason doesn't do a poison test like Damian, mainly because it's from Batburger and also part of him finds that he doesn't care if it's poisoned. He eats slowly though, taking small bites to slowly work his way through the burger. He isn't hungry but he hasn't eaten all day other than water which he doesn't think counts.
He used to love food, still does but he never has the appetite and his body sometimes rejects it, sometimes just because of the whole undead thing or refeeding syndrome. He hasn't told anyone about either.
Damian.. worries a lot but he's also busy a lot and the others, especially Dick, are the priority so he can usually get away with it. Plus, he doesn't stay in the manor often and when he does he's usually glued to one of his siblings or hiding somewhere.
He hasn't died in a while so hopefully he'll be fine. He can't say the same about his arm though. It'll will heal by tomorrow.
Jason glances up at the question, shrinking a bit more when he's reminded that Damian is infact watching him. He only took the muzzle off to eat which is left in his lap as well so his eyes aren't visible unlike Damian's. He doesn't like how.. concerned he looks.
"Yeah."
He answers simply, leaving nothing really there to pick at. Damian isn't the best conversationalist so if Jason just gives small answers he'll probably drop it. He would continue eating but now he feels a bit uncomfortable with Damian looking at him.
Damian looks him over a bit before looking back down at the table, not wanting to make Jason uncomfortable by staring. He's picking at his food a little, not eating much of it if anything.
"That's good."
He says quietly, almost akin to a whisper. Jason doesn't seem to really want to talk, and Damian can understand that. He doesn't want to pressure him or do anything wrong exactly. Damian's never been great at talking to people, nonetheless getting along with his siblings. It's easier when he has a task, a thing to help them with, otherwise he's a bit...dry.
Jason in particular was a bit rough at first, Damian had come home from his travels with...new scars and a fear of cold to top off his aversion of water and drowning. He had gained some fighting skills, but there wasn't much he could take away from it besides the torture and pain, the reminders from the league of a home he once had. He had his mother, and eventually he had Jonathan, those were probably the only good parts.
Bruce hadn't looked for him, he probably was able to deter the others from doing so somehow, but Damian's never spoken about where he was or what he was doing. Bruce had asked him once, but it was only in an argument and Damian could never tell him he went to his mother, so he lied and said he was solely training with independent teachers. Bruce had scoffed, disappointed somehow. Damian isn't sure why, maybe he wanted Damian to have admitted to something bad? Something he could criticize? Damian's not sure he understands his father.
Then he was faced with...a new child. Bruce was so mean to Jason that it made Damian angry in a way, he tried to separate them more, took up some responsibilities to help Jason and Cass both out, Duke was graduated by then, so he helped sometimes too, but he was holding a grudge with Damian that Damian could only think of as fair. He didn't visit the manor very often.
Then Jason died and Damian didn't know what to do anymore, really. Then everything just spiraled out of control, and yet here they are. Both dead men walking, eating in a restaurant in Gotham. Damian stares down at his food with an expression that almost looks a mix of saddened or angry, tired maybe, but really that's just how he tends to keep his face. He can't hide his exhaustion anymore.
Jason presses his lips together, nodding and continuing to eat when Damian isn't looking, almost like he's trying to sneak as many bites in without Damian knowing. He probably wouldn't be punished but the thought is there, the fear of it or maybe even shame for eating in general.
Damian and Jason don't have the closest relationship, to put it lightly. When he was training Bruce talked about Damian and Tim, depending on the lesson he was trying to teach Jason. To be more obedient, dedicated, loyal, calculated, smarter, less impulsive. He compared Jason to the others like Duke and Cass but mostly the past Robins.
Then.. Damian came back from his trip and Jason was honestly so nervous but excited in a way to meet this person who Bruce kept comparing him to. Yeah, he also was compared to Tim but.. he thought Tim was dead at the time and it seemed like more of a sore subject to Bruce.
And Damian didn't like him. Jason tried to talk to him, too engage, to do anything to get closer to his man who was supposed to be his brother. He was close to Steph and Duke because they called from similar backgrounds and Cass was also living at the manor with him so they became close to but Damian.. Damian never liked him.
Every time he tried to reach out, metaphorically and literally considering the fact Damian seemed to get triggered by every touch which he doesn't blame him for, he just didn't seem to want to be around him. He picked him up and at times fought with Bruce when he would be.. not nice but they simply didn't have much time together before he died.
Then he died and Damian was not on his mind at all since for the first year back he couldn't think at all and the second was just torture and training. Then near the end of his training this random assassin finds him which turns out to be his brother who was clearly injured and freshly dunk in the pit so Jason obviously took care of him (a bit awkwardly since he would rarely take any help and afterwards they didn't know how to act around each other) and then Dick came into the picture too. It was a lot.
And Damian is the only one who knows about him not being able to die, an accident on his part because he was reckless. He honestly knows the most which.. isn't a lot. At all. Which brings them here where Jason has finally finished his food at least.
Damian is a bit spaced out, only eating small bites of his tabouleh and glancing over towards Jason when he realizes the younger man is finished eating. Damian just eats some of the pita bread he has before ripping off half of it and offering it to Jason with a curious tilt to his head.
Damian used to not really be the type to share his food, or really anything. When he was a child within the league, it was uncommon, it tended to be more of a fend for yourself type of environment. Damian would only sometimes share food with his mother if they could, a show of trust if anything.
He had started doing it more when he began taking care of his siblings. Sometimes because they asked, Steph always seemed to want to try what Damian was eating if they were having different meals. Duke would sometimes just cut up an apple and then share the slices with Damian while they'd chat and have tea. It was a different environment but it wasn't unwelcome.
Damian had only really started sharing his own food when it came to Jason and Dick. After he'd died he'd offer his food to Jason a lot, sometimes because he'd simply want to share it, others to try and pass it off to cover up the fact it all tasted like ash and dirt.
Then it just became more of a habit, with Dick it was to try and get him to get back into the habit of eating, with his Talon biology he doesn't technically need to eat, but as they try to find ways to transfer the electrum from out of his blood, they wanted him to become accustomed with the action again. He was a very skinny child, given the court never fed their talons. So Damian would share small snacks with the boy after they were able to get his body accustomed to it and get over the refeeding syndrome. Then it turned into Dick wanting a taste of everything Damian was eating ever.
Damian chews on the pita bread a bit as he offers the part of it to Jason, he knows Jason struggles a bit with food too, he can see it sometimes. The way he's hesitant or protective over it, or simply stating he isn't hungry. Damian's not sure if it's because of the pit or if it runs deeper. He knows Jason...can't die but his health is still of concern to Damian. He just doesn't want to overwhelm him or anything.
Jason looks back up when he sees Damian offering the food, staring at it like its a pointed gun with wide eyes which are hidden. The lower half of his face though is perfectly blank. He quickly packs the rest of his food and the wrapper away in the box, pushing it in Damian direction.
He isn't exactly sure what to do and stares at the food a bit more. Is this a test? That's all he can think in his brain right now. Damian doesn't take the food back and he glances back up at his face, seeing him eating and realising what he actually wants. Oh, he wants Jason to eat it for him.
Damian used to share their foods a lot in the trip back to Gotham. Jason often only made a portion for Damian when he cooked. That's what he was used to. His trainers sometimes asked him to cook stuff, human meat, so he was used to it. He suspects it was because Damian himself didn't want to eat either but took the food and either ate it or threw it away.
He didn't eat the entire year he was brain dead, otherthanhumanmeat.hecanstilltastethebloodinhismouth, and after the pit he didn't really have an appetite and his organs were out of his body part of the time anyways. He only really started eating again after Damian found him at the end of his training.
Jason remembers that he's been frozen and not breathing the entire time and takes a breath of air before taking the food almost harshly, curling back up even tighter and examining it. It's not because of the shop or even Damian its just that every time he was given food it was poisoned and he needs to check. There is always a catch. It seems nice enough so he eventually takes a bite himself, still curled up mostly.
"Thanks."
He mumbles after a while, kinda wishing he wasn't here right now or visible.
Damian doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches back a bit when Jason takes the pita bread, catching himself and forcing his anxieties back down.
"You're welcome."
Damian mumbles back, going back to his own food and mostly picking at it. He glances up at Jason a few times but tries to keep his eyes to himself, not wanting to be too overwhelming or anything. Eventually he glances up to see when Jason's done eating entirely, and packages the rest of the tabouleh, at least finishing the pita bread. He'll bring it home for later, maybe Duke will eat it if he stops by. It's only about a quarter finished. He thinks for a moment before speaking, trying to breach that awkward air somehow.
"Dick has been very insistent on having a party recently. Barbara explained to him the concept of a birthday party, his parents never filled out records fully when he was born, and I wasn't able to find any information really, probably because of the circus and their travels, so we're not sure when his birthday is."
Damian explains a bit, he's fidgeting a little with a ring on his finger. He has some different rings and bracelets on his hands, gold mostly. He doesn't wear them at the hospital, but he'd gotten in the habit of putting them all back on after work. Some are from Talia, others are gifts. Notably one of the rings, the one he's messing with, is from Jonathan. The stone is from an alien planet, he had it crafted into a ring for him, a gift after he was away in space for so long. Damian didn't know how to respond.
Dick doesn't remember much about his childhood, which has resulted in him not knowing a lot of small basics, such as traditions and other things. Damian has been trying to help him out in that regard, but he hasn't had a very normal childhood. Babs and Steph are the ones who seem to be teaching Dick and Cass a lot about being a kid or a teenager a lot. Damian can only sit and watch.
"I was wondering if you'd want to help figure things out. Perhaps for a surprise."
He says softly, staring at his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Dick seems to be good common ground between them, someone they both care a lot about. So he tries.
He stares at Damian for a few seconds after taking a bite, just making sure he didn't do anything wrong or make him angry. He just flinched and Jason isn't sure if thats a good sign or not. Probably bad because he upset him.
Either way he quickly finishes it, putting the muzzle back on and uncurling a bit more, around how he was at the start and more comfortable. His face not being visible makes him feel better for some reason. He doesn't have to make his expressions as flat so maybe that's why.
Jason perks up a bit when Damian speaks, more engaged since it is about Dick. They became close pretty soon, probably because Dick is the youngest and Jason was the first person other than Damian himself after the whole Talon thing. Damian is more.. repressed he would say so Jason was mostly the one who helped him ease back into just being a kid.
Then they got to Gotham and Steph and Duke also helped out but Dick seems to still like him. Jason is.. happy in a way. He isn't used to people liking him at all let alone favouring him. He just feels guilty for even feeling that though.
"Did you pick a date?"
Jason asks at the end, more of a soft mumble. He's often shouting at the manor, really whenever he's with Bruce but then he's much more toned down and quiet otherwise. He doesn't need to defend himself in that way right now so toning himself down will do.
"I don't think Dick really understands calendars so I was planning on just doing it about a week from now... so the 21st. I wanted to do a surprise party, because all he's been doing is mostly babbling or going 'Party! Surprise!' which I'm assuming means he'd like one."
Damian describes, his voice goes a little up while imitating Dick, gesturing a bit with his hands and sighing.
"I'd have to work things out but...I want him to happy. Plus, Father will be out of the house then, I thought it might be more beneficial that way."
Damian says, as if he's speaking of a business deal and not planning a surprise birthday party for his brother. Steph keeps teasing him and saying Dick is more like his son, but Damian's not sure how to feel about that, really.
"I'd like to hear if you have any ideas, I'm not usually...good at this type of thing."
Damian says, sighing and putting his hands away into his lap, unfolding and folding his legs again, almost awkwardly.
Jason laughs softly when Damian imitates Dick, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth before remembering the muzzle is on. Thank god.
"If you make it on the 21st then that'll be his birthday.. forever, unless you wanna lie to him."
He explains his reasoning softly. Jason feels like he has to justify it, justify speaking or putting in his own input. Being a person in general, really. Dick and Damian are close now since he's his caretaker. Bruce obviously doesn't do anything.. He's pretty sure Dick barely even knows the man other than that he's supposed to be a father figure to the rest of them. Supposed to.
Speaking of Bruce it seems he wont be there so that's good. Jason doesn't know if he'd be able to be at the party with him, not without ruining it and he doesn't want to do that to Dick and the others. Every time Jason is near the man or they talk it seems to end in a fight. It's usually Jason's fault. He honestly feels like he might be doing it on purpose. He doesn't know what he's doing.
"He'll want it to be circus themed, probably. We can take him to the zoo? I was teaching him about animals, he seemed interested and recognised a few.."
Jason offers, mostly looking down almost in a bow. He's used to it by now, looking down when talking to people or bowing. A sign of respect, obedience maybe.
Damian nods a bit, humming.
"I don't think...it matters all too much the specific date. Is there a specific date you had in mind for the birthday? I asked Dick and all he did was laugh and say surprise again while pinching my nose."
Damian says with a soft sigh. Dick didn't really seem to care when, just wanting to have a birthday too. Babs was also very on board, telling Damian she wanted to help plan things with the rest of the girls too. Damian had conceded, the help is nice, he just wants everyone's input and Jason's especially considering he's also quite close with the boy.
He hums in response to the suggestions, mentally noting them to hopefully write down later. His memory feels scattered sometimes, which can be a bit annoying. It's probably something to do with how many things he needs to keep note of in his day, smaller details are hard. But then there are other things, like the smell of his mother's perfume, or other childhood memories. A lot of his training feels like a blur sometimes, he's not sure why, he swears it didn't used to be like this. Maybe it was the pit? Thats possible. His short term memory can be affected sometimes too.
"He still likes elephants a lot, I was thinking of buying him something relating to that. For decorations we could definitely go into the circus themes, I only don't want to overwhelm him too much."
Damian says, thinking a bit. He looks up at Jason a bit curious, looking at the way he stares downwards while talking. It makes Damian sad sometimes, seeing Jason act in ways that remind him of the league. He wishes his brother never had to be there, part of him was angry with Talia when he arrived and found him there. She knew, she was there, yet she said nothing to him. He could never stay mad at his mother for too long though, honestly it's hard to keep grudges anymore, he's simply too tired.
"Like.. a clown?"
He asks, laughing softly, fidgeting with his hands a bit before catching himself and just balling them into two fists, hiding his hands in his lap like he might be punished for something as simple as that. Jason wasn't supposed to fidget before, he isn't sure why.
His hands are so scarred up too, not that he's let anyone see since he always seems to be wearing gloves. Compression ones for the pain but he doesn't tell anyone that either. It's part of the design and part of him feels weak for even needing it. It helps with the tremors though and he definitely doesn't want anyone to see that.
Even in summer he doesn't show his skin which is insanely hot but it's better than showing those scars. He's good at making the more.. common ones look like stuff you would get in a fight, stuff that isn't uniform. Dying also makes him feel more cold, he wonders if being closer to being dead would help him with overheating in summers.
"He doesn't like flashing lights. Said they're 'scary'."
Jason comments at the last part, quoting what Dick said. He's gotten better at expressing emotions even if it's just words like 'sad', 'happy' and 'scary'. Jason himself isn't really talkative either but he's trying to be more engaging in conversations. He's so used to people talking around him like an.. object. At first he would often seem to be ignoring people around him because he couldn't even comprehend that they could be just casually talking to him.
His throat feels like it's closing sometimes but he always forces himself to scream when fighting with Bruce. Usually he'll leave the manor and find some hole to recover in after.
"Clown? Why would clowns be relevant?"
Damian asks, confusion visible as he shifts a bit to put his own hands in his lap, thinking for a moment before sighing.
"I do need help with the cake, if you had any ideas for flavors or anything. Barbara has been very insistent that we do everything birthday parties have to offer, I've never had one really so...she's my best source at the moment."
Damian says with a small shrug. Birthdays as a child were entirely minuscule, in the league they barely celebrated it, only really doing small things. Damian would get to rest for a day and that was as much of a privilege if any. Then with Bruce, they'd forgotten the first year until Duke had his 7th birthday and complained that Damian hasn't had one, and was much more upset when Damian had said his birthday had already passed.
After that Duke and Damian would do something small, Bruce would somewhat be involved, only sometimes remembering gifts, Jonathan got pretty excited about it too. Damian didn't really care, and honestly he hated the concept entirely. He didn't like getting gifts, it only made him feel like he doesn't deserve any of it even more. He's always been bad with that type of thing.
"Right."
He says in response to the last comment, thinking everything over a bit more. He'll have to really focus on it but he has so many other things he has to be dealing with recently that it just makes his chest feel a bit tight. He sighs a little, trying to not think too much about it. He'll deal with it, he always does. Even if it might cost his own wellbeing.
Jason laughs a bit more at that, his head tilting a bit more down like he's trying to hide it. Damian, if nothing else, is always able to make him laugh, even if it's unintentional. It's probably because of how out of touch he can be with normal things because of.. everything. Now Jason just feels bad.
"Like.. the clown nose."
He answers, bringing a hand up to imitate honking a clown nose over his face. Dick's Talon training wasn't completed but he still has some trouble with his memories from before, it's nice to see he still seems to remember some things from his life in the circus.
"We can.. I can get him some small cupcakes maybe.. Different flavours for him to try out."
Jason shrugs a bit. His birthdays weren't exactly stereotypical either, usually his parents would buy him a small cupcake, maybe a candle but that was rare. He never got to throw a party or anything. He thinks when he was younger they would just spend the day together.. maybe go somewhere.
He remembers that the last birthday before his mom died she forgot, obviously. He doesn't blame her with how sick she was at the time, not even knowing what day it was. Jason still counted down the days, mainly because he thought his dad might come. It was stupid, at that point it had been a few months and Jason already accepted he wasn't coming back, probably killed on the job or beaten to death in prison. Assuming he was dead was better than thinking he abandoned them or was in jail.
Nevertheless it was his birthday wish but he didn't.. he didn't come. He remembers he was just disappointed. By then hope was.. a scarce thing he only had left for his mom surviving. Of course she didn't so it didn't matter. He missed a few birthdays on the streets as well
When he moved to the manor one of the first things Duke asked him when he was just getting used to the manor and the others was his birthday. He said something about making sure he knew this time, whatever that meant. They all remembered though. That was nice.
"Oh...I see."
Damian says, a little confused still but he supposes that makes sense. The circus and all. Dick must remember some of that then. Damian had to do a bit of research on circuses after they took in Dick and discovered his identity, wanting to make sure he knew about Dick's life, considering he didn't have much knowledge on any of that.
Damian's been attempting to know more of the common knowledge things that people his age are aware of for what feels like years now. He's always been slightly out of touch with things, which is a bit frustrating. He's too busy to know any internet jokes, and there are childhood experiences he never had. Most people just assume it's because he's an out of touch billionaire's son, which might be part of it, but none of the other kids are like that.
Damians used to feeling out of place anyways, he's usually the strange one. At school he was bullied relentlessly, mostly racism or making fun of him for being weird. There was this group of soccer kids that used to make fun of his accent and call him slurs, and there was a group of girls that were convinced he was gay and decided to make it his problem. Damian's not entirely certain what his sexuality is, but regardless the harassment was a lot.
It was worse when he'd get beaten up and he couldn't fight back. The only time he did Bruce was beyond angry and made him spar with the man until he couldn't stand, saying that it wasn't right to abuse his abilities on others. After that he just let it happen.
"That would be nice, he's not tried many sweets yet."
Damian says, thinking to himself. He doesn't want to overwhelm Dick with too many choices or anything, but at the same time he doesn't want to force him into anything, it's a tough balance considering how sensitive the poor boy can be.
Jason hums a bit in response, not sure what to say. He's always had a weaker relationship with Damian, after all he was never there when he was a kid who wasn't just some broken toy and actually talked to people. He misses being that in a way but he can't. He's not the same person. Bruce made that clear too.
Duke and Steph don't really understand, he's more jumpy, less talkative, different in every way and most of the time he's not home or he's with Dick. He loves them all but Dick is the only one who doesn't know him from before. It makes him feel like he has to pretend less or hide entirely so people don't see all the differences.
Cass too, usually he was the one carrying the conversations but now he feels his throat just closes up and he doesn't know what to say or what to talk about. She doesn't seem to mind, just hovering near him and trying to read his body language he's pretty sure.
That's another problem in itself and he has to mask even more of his body language than usual and the feeling of her eyes on him makes his skin crawl. One time she managed to sneak up on him and he's pretty sure he almost killed her on instinct.
He left the manor shortly after that. It's better if he just distances himself, if he isn't around at all. Jason knows they all try find him a lot of the time in the Alley but he can thankfully slip away most of the time and stay hidden.
The only other person who didn't know him from before are.. Tim and JJ. He isn't sure how to feel about them. Sure, he looked up to them as Robin but Bruce didn't mention them much, his greatest failure or whatever. Jason feels like he might be fighting for that title.
He's kinda close with JJ, they are just a kid so Jason hangs out with him when he's out of the house, he's good at finding them which Bruce seems honestly horrified about and Damian is utterly confused but they are nice.
Tim is a bit more awkward but he doesn't judge Jason or anything and they are both living out of the manor so they can see each other out of that place. He hates the manor.
They lapse into silence and Damian picks up his phone, glancing over a few notifications and things. He hasn't looked at since they left the car, which shows considering he has a few messages from both Father and Steph. Steph seems to just be asking about patrol and if she could switch her place with Duke so she doesn't have to patrol with Batman again.
Damian sighs a bit before responding, saying she can switch with him instead, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his late shift. She immediately responds questioning such things and he just says he was let off early and was out eating food with a coworker instead. It's a lie, but Damian just doesn't want Steph and Duke to be arguing with each other nor does he want to deal with the anger from Bruce. Sure he'll have to be watching him a bit tonight and probably get a little less sleep than usual, but if it works it works.
The message from Bruce just seems to be about scheduling and meetings once again. Damian does wonder why he pays for a secretary at this point and he takes a moment to get out his small schedule book and glance through it before putting it back in his bag and responding, rescheduling a meeting to a different day and writing out an email using Bruce's own account. Bruce only gives him a thumbs up, Steph tells him to at least take a nap tomorrow. He just thumbs ups her response, which does make him pause considering the similar responses between him and Bruce before shutting off the phone and looking at Jason once again.
Damian thinks for a moment before moving to where his bag is sat in the seat next to him once again, rifling through it a bit before grabbing his wallet out and taking out about 15 dollars in cash and handing it to Jason.
"For the bat-mite meal."
He says softly. It's enough to pay for both of the meals he bought but Damian doesn't specify if it's supposed to be for both or if he just doesn't know the actual price of a bat-mite meal.
Jason glances up to look at everything Damian is doing, texting people and then looking through his bag. He knows Damian is a busy person with all the others plus Bruce being an issue in and of itself. Now he just feels bad for taking up his time.
He is surprised when Damian hands him the money, staring at it for a few seconds but taking it gently, movements slow like he's afraid of scaring him or something and looking at the cash. 15 dollars. It's a bit over how much he paid for the two meals but considering the fact Bruce is a billionaire and therefore Damian kinda is too Jason doesn't mind. He paid with his own money anyways.
"Do you.. have to go now?"
He asks softly, head still bowed and looking down, not making eye contact. It's disrespectful and Jason isn't sure if he'd be able to look Damian in the eye anyways.
Jason knows he's busy and frankly doesn't have the time to just sit here with Jason. Why would he want to anyways? Patrol starts soon and he would hope Damian didn't have patrol after his shift but he knows Damian is always busy and has a tendency to overwork himself.
They aren't close but Jason feels like he knows the other on a level the others are yet to notice. Maybe it's because of their trip back to Gotham and how Jason had to take care of Damian when he was vulnerable.
He thinks Talia used to talk about him when Jason was brain dead, that Jason reminded her of him. He isn't sure what that means, he wasn't alive enough to do anything but watch the world around him and remember.
Damian tucks his wallet away again, turning to look at Jason again when he speaks. He pauses, checking his watch. He shouldn't have to, he's got maybe an hour until he should head out for patrol. Sure he doesn't want to be late because Father always gives him shit for it, but if Jason needs him he doesn't mind.
"Not just yet...unless you'd like to leave. I won't force you to stay."
Damian says softly, trying to be gentle as he informs Jason. He's always been a pretty busy person but his family is important to him, so he tries to make the time. He has rescheduled things before or missed classes when they need him. He doesn't mind, he just needs them to be safe and happy, if he can help he will try the best he can.
Damian does feel...stressed, one could say. Maybe tired, but he can't let that take over everything. His eyes are already glowing, he saw it in the mirrors in the car, which means it's probably worse than usual. He's aching a bit from being on his feet, but he already agreed to take Steph's place and he doesn't want to cause her or Bruce any issues. He wants Jason to be pleased and to stay with him if he'd like as well.
Yet sometimes he just...wants to curl up into a corner and not leave. He just wants to ignore every scheduled date in his notebooks, to ignore every phone call and text, to ignore every voice calling to him. But he can't do that. Dick is almost entirely reliant on him, Bruce seems to not be able to function properly without him if the time he was dead and the time he was traveling had anything to show for it, and his siblings deserve breaks far more than he does.
Damian's tired but...it's not supposed to matter. Being tired in the league meant nothing, if you could stand and you could fight, you're not supposed to stop and take a breath, you keep going. No matter what Damian faces, he has to keep going, to keep himself running. He can do that, even if it feels like he's barely present sometimes.
Jason is a bit surprised by that. He expected Damian to need to leave by now. He doesn't want to take up the mans time though and honestly he probably needs a break. Jason is just another burden or problem he feels a responsibility to. He thinks if Damian didn't feel like it was his job to look after Jason for whatever reason that he'd leave too.
He hates that, he hates being looked after. He can take care of himself. He doesn't need to be a burden to anyone. Jason doesn't want to be. That's why people leave, because he's a problem or too much. But that's fine because Jason would rather be alone and take care of himself.
"Do you want to leave?"
He asks in return, tilting his head a bit. Damian will probably say something like how he's fine or whatever but every time people say that they aren't. Jason has experience with that. His mom said things would be fine and then she died. Why does everyone lie? His dad said that he would come back and he never did and Bruce said he would stay, that he would protect Jason and he didn't.
Damian hasn't made any promises yet but he'd rather leave before he becomes another problem and burden on him. He can take care of himself. No matter how much he sometimes wants to reach out.
Damian pauses at that, looking up more at Jason and not speaking for a long moment. Eventually he does answer, but it's quieter than before.
"No."
Is all he says, Damian doesn't know how else to explain what he means. He doesn't want to leave, does he? Honestly he'd rather just spend downtime with his siblings than any of his other responsibilities in general. Sure he tends to try and take care of them, but that's never truly felt like...a chore. Just a responsibility that he's happy to take, even though it can be stressful and confusing at times. He'd rather sit here with Jason in silence than have to patrol with his father.
Damian doesn't expand on it, just giving a simple and small answer as he puts his phone away into his bag. His expression shifts, only slightly for a second to show something akin to exhaustion before he fixes it and takes a deep breath.
Jason.. didn't expect that answer and blinks a bit, freezing for a while because he seriously can't comprehend that answer. He doesn't seem to be lying..? He must he lying. That's the only explanation he can think of but Damian just looks tired.
He moves forward a bit to cross his arms on the table and rest his head in them, his hoodie falling off his head and revealing his head of hair. The white bangs stand out the most, being the only part that isn't curly as well. Jason doesn't really take care of his hair so it's a bit frizzy but he doesn't really care either.
" 'M tired."
Is all he says, hiding his face in his arms. It's a vulnerable position, more than Jason usually allows. He can think of about 50 ways Damian could kill him right now but he doesn't care. Damian anyways knows he'll come back. It's not necessarily reaching out but it's closer than before. He thinks Damian is tired too.
Damian looks to him and sighs a bit softly, he moves to rest his head on his hand, somewhat hiding his face with it, letting his back loosen up from the stiff position it's been in for most of the day. It still aches but the stretch is definitely nicer.
"I...I know. I'm sorry, I wish I could help more."
Is what Damian says, voice quiet and soft, almost like he's scared of being too loud. He stares down at the table in a way that just makes him seem sad almost. Damian just wishes he could help Jason, he wishes he could help all of his siblings, but there are things he can't change, nor help for that matter.
Damian hates the fact he's just...out of his depth sometimes. He feels like he has no idea what he's doing a good part of the time and he just wishes he could do anything. But the least he can do is sit awkwardly across from Jason while eating, trying to do something. Jason at least deserves the effort, even if Damian isn't able to truly provide what he needs.
It's a strange mix, of wanting to hold onto his siblings, to hold onto Jonathan too, and to help everyone and also wanting to just hide and pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. There's a pressure on him that will always be there, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel competent and strong enough to handle it all. He's not good enough, not for Father, not for his siblings, not for Jonathan, not for the league, not for Gotham.
Damian knows he helps enough to be needed, but he's not entirely sure what he'd have if he wasn't. If he didn't provide that assistance. Father has always made it out to be like Damian wasn't much more than his heir, he never felt like the man truly saw him as a son. It used to hurt, deep down and only in the dark of his bedroom where he'd ever let the emotions free. Now he simply feels numb to it. Damian knows he's not that, he knows he's not truly...accepted nor wanted really. He's needed, and that's what's important.
Four years ago when he'd thought he wasn't needed any longer, nor was he truly ever wanted, he'd felt hopeless in a way he never thought one could feel. He was weak, nothing. Now he's here, he's more needed than ever, yet part of him still feels that weakness.
Jason hums in response, looking up a bit and peeking from behind his arms. The mask is still on his face, hiding his eyes as usual. When was the last time he even took them off? He doesn't remember. He sleeps with them on sometimes.
He hasn't looked in the mirror in a while considering the last time he did he lost control and only felt like he was in his body again when he was laying in the bathtub of one of his safe houses with his arms cut by the broken glass and bleeding out numbly.
"I think you're tired too."
He mumbles, still looking up at Damian. It's not an accusation, not a question. It can hardly be classified as a statement. Maybe an observation? That doesn't exactly fit either. Just a thought. Jason knows Damian is tired. He is too.
Jason doesn't have a purpose.. he has no goal. From the day he was born his main goal was survive, then to help his mom, to keep her alive. Then.. she died and it was back to looking out for himself. Bruce eventually picked him up and survival seemed to be less and less of a priority and more saving others. If that meant sacrificing his life then.. he didn't care.
Then he died. He couldn't even save his biological mom either. Then of course he came back and well, he didn't need to survive. He would anyways, whether he liked it or not. His life was and is nothing. In the league he could at least just follow instructions and obey, no matter how much he hated it because that was his purpose. That's what he was supposed to do. There was no say in it.
Now he doesn't know what to do. He wants to have some form of control yet at the same time to just let go. Whether that means to go back to obeying someone, as long as it isn't Bruce, then thats fine. If it means dying.. he would rather that but he can't. He tries to help others, he really does. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe they were right, that he's only good for being a weapon or play thing for people to use. He thinks he was good at that.
But he doesn't want to hurt anyone. That he wont do. Hurting himself.. that's something he's good at. He's a danger to others, right. Destructive. He can hurt himself and destroy himself and then he doesn't have to hurt anyone.
Damian pauses at that, sitting up a bit to look at his brother a bit more head on for a long moment before sighing a little. He brushes his hair back out of his face. He needs a haircut, but it's hard to make the time these days.
"I- I guess so. It's not your fault though, Jay. I want to be here for you."
Damian says, trying to just reassure Jason that he's not the reason why Damian is so tired, nor is he the reason for why Damian's stressed out to do with times and all. He's always been like this, sure it's gotten worse with some of the added pressures but college is something he...he actually chose to do, and becoming a nurse or a doctor sooner or later, is something he's actually chosen for himself. Even if Jonathan was the one to really push him to take that step.
The kids of course are another thing, but even back then when it was just Damian and Duke, Damian was trying to look out for him. It was a strange feeling, but he got attached to the small boy. Now, even though they have had their moment, Damian and Duke are close. Damian doesn't regret that.
The stressors and the challenges he's going through now are not things that Damian really can or with specifics, wants to stop doing. Damian likes keeping busy, even if it can feel like it's suffocating him. Sometimes that's better than letting himself breathe.
Jason frowns a bit at that though it is once again not visible with the mask and muzzle. He knows it's not just his fault but he knows he's part of the burden, just some stupid responsibility that Damian thinks he has to look after. Well, he doesn't. Jason can look after himself, has been since he was born honestly and even with Bruce because Damian wasn't there so.. he doesn't need.
"I don't wanna go back to the manor."
He mumbles, straightening a bit and going back to being more curled up and defensive like before, his head still bowed nonetheless. Jason doesn't do that with Bruce when he fights with him. Maybe it's out of respect or because he feels more safe, like he doesn't have to bring up his walls and attack. Maybe he's too tired to.
He's not sure why he's even saying it considering the fact Damian hasn't asked him to, not yet anyways. He just feels like he has to defend himself. Damian used to when Jason first came back but he would just end up staying away and distancing himself longer.
The first time he ran off Bruce didn't even notice yet was so mad when he came back. The only reason he noticed was because Damian flipped Crime Alley and the surrounding areas upside down. He got Duke, Steph and Cass to all look for Jason too which was really weird and just made him want to run and hide more.
Damian sighs softly at that, he seems to internally debate something for a moment before standing and leaving the booth before moving to sit down next to Jason instead, though keeping some distance between them. But he remains closer than before, for if Jason wants that comfort.
"I know, love. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not going to try and bring you back there, I just wanted to make sure you were alright because I haven't seen you in so long."
Damian tries to explain softly. He crosses his legs and arms and leans back against the seat cushion, turned to face Jason. He doesn't want Jason to think he has any ulterior motives or anything like that. He simply wanted to check in with him considering he hasn't been by the manor for a while. He knows that can be hard for him and some of the other kids as well.
Damian had times where he felt like he couldn't be in the manor either, like he needed to run and leave, but he never truly followed that except for when he left years ago. It was bad, and he's learned his lesson. Bruce was so angry with him, so was Duke...Stephanie was home but she still was somewhat mad in a way. Cass just...seemed sad. Damian can't do that again. He has to stay no matter how overwhelmed he becomes.
Jason feels like he might have screwed up when Damian sighs and even more so when he gets up, his gaze following him. He didn't mean to upset him now he screwed this up and he's mad and he's leaving Jason again-
When Damian sits down next to Jason he has half the mind to just throw himself into him but he knows that'll probably just make him leave or catch him off guard. He has always been like that, desperate for physical contact in anyway. He's also always been too afraid to reach out for it, usually hovering near the person at most as a child and hoping they might give him some scraps of affection.
Jason usually used to do it with Bruce, following him around a bit or trying to reach out but he never seemed to get what Jason was asking for. If Jason made him happy or proud then he would give something so he tried to do that more.
He is relieved Damian isn't trying to make him go back, even if he already kinda knew that and has a hard time believing it. Jason slowly moves closer, making sure his movements are trackable before resting his head on Damian's shoulder, still curled up a bit. It's small and honestly not enough but he can't take too much, this is too much in the first place since he knows Damian doesn't really like physical touch.
Damian's widen a little when Jason lays against him, and he pauses for a moment before hesitantly resting his head against his, moving to put his arm around the younger's shoulder.
Damian's never really been good with touch, he thinks maybe deep down he wants it, craves it like any other human being does, but he's been so detached from it that he tends to not even realize. It's always in these moments, a small gesture, a hug, lying against one another, that Damian feels somewhat out of his depth. He doesn't know how to approach it, but he doesn't want it to leave.
He thinks he tends to make people assume that he's touch averse or something similar to that, but he isn't. He just doesn't know how to accept it. He wants to though, he always does. Damian's not entirely used to it really, and he's been able to survive without it. Physical affection wasn't very common in the League, and Bruce was never the type, with the others its rare, but he always seemed to completely avoid touching Damian if it wasn't in spars. Damian's not sure why. Maybe it was something he did.
But for now, Damian takes the touch and returns it, as best as he can really. He just doesn't want Jason to think that Damian doesn't want to hug him or anything he's just...used to being hurt by touch over being comforted by it.
Jason tenses for a moment when the arm goes around him before melting back into the touch, hesitating before taking the mask and muzzle off so he can hide his face in Damian's neck. He makes sure to keep his eyes closed but this is the first time he's showed his full face in a while, honestly.
He looks tired, eyebags too deep and sunken for someone his age. He looks older too, around Damian's age, maybe older. Jason has always had to be the mature one, there is no time to be a kid after all if you're too busy keeping you and your mom alive through any means. With Bruce he didn't have to scrape by for food and money or to try keep the power on but he had other responsibilities. That was the deal.
There was no time to be a kid after he died either, he doesn't think he could even be classified as one back then. Now he's back in Gotham, the city he called home all of his first life and this one too. He still has to look after himself but he feels younger in a way, more childish maybe. Maybe he just wants the comfort that comes with being more like a kid he never got to be. Still cant be honestly.
"Ok.."
Jason mumbles in response to what Damian said before even if it's pretty late, grabbing onto his clothes softly just to be able to hold something. His arms hurt but he ignores the pain for now.
Damian lets Jason do what he'd like, looking him over with a small frown when he takes off the masks. He looks tired, in a way that just makes Damian sad. He knows Jason's life has been difficult, he can't imagine things were good in the league either, especially considering how he is now.
Damian just moves to hug Jason fully, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head before cradling his head a bit closely when he holds onto Damian's clothing. He just wants to keep him close, to do anything that could be helpful, regardless what that turns out to be.
If he just needs to sit here and hold Jason for a while, then he doesn't mind. He'd rather be here than be patrolling with Bruce anyways. If he's yelled at for scheduling conflicts and being late anyways, then it'll be worth it.
"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay?"
He whispers to him, voice soft and almost small sounding. He takes a deep breath, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.
Jason keeps the mask and muzzle in his lap, fiddling with them a bit to try work out the lingering anxiety from his body. He feels like he's taking too much or Damian might push him away or worse, is uncomfortable and isn't telling Jason.
He doesn't want to make him feel like that– Like he did so many times where he just felt like he had to go along with what others did because he was so used to just laying their motionless and while being puppeted around that he got used to it. And then it became more than that, then he started playing along. He doesn't even know why. It's not on purpose– He doesn't think so.
He has always loved physical touch, being held. It was the only time he felt safe yet he forgets what that feels like. It's been twisted so much he doesn't remember. He's too big to even fit in anyone's lap, too different. He doesn't feel like how he looks, it's like his own body isn't his, that he's trapped.
But then Damian holds him closer and is so gentle with him and he feels like crying, tears welling up in his eyes and only grabbing onto him tighter.
"I don' wanna bother you."
Jason whispers softly, his voice sounding so much smaller and younger than usual. He doesn't want Damian to leave, he doesn't have anyone else.
Damian frowns a bit, running his fingers gently through Jason's hair, being careful of any knots or anything. It's definitely longer than when he last saw Jason properly.
"You're never bothering me, Jay. I promise. You and your siblings are the best parts of my life."
Damian says, genuinely. He feels more vulnerable with the admission, but it's true. He hopes they all know how much they mean to him. He's never seem any of them as a burden, they're the people in his life that make it worth something. He has his responsibilities to take care of them, but regardless of that, he cares for them more than life itself.
He doesn't want to leave any of them behind, nor does he want them to ever think he's only doing these things out of obligation. It's never been that way, not to Damian. His obligations lie with Bruce, he chose to care for his siblings. He will always choose them.
Jason leans into the touch like someone starving, only hiding himself in Damian’s neck more. He hasn’t been taking the best of care of himself.. he has a hairdressers license but he is just too tired to do it and cutting his hair would require him actually looking in the mirror. Something he’s trying to avoid and something he also can’t do since he had to throw away his mirror since he broke it and he feels like Damian might break in and find it and do something. Paranoia or not he doesn’t have a mirror in the first place.
Eating he’s been trying to do more, getting his body to adjust since no one else knows he was going through refeeding syndrome. He’s always liked food considering the fact that as a kid he simply didn’t have the luxury of a meal consistently let alone something actually of quality. His body does not seem to share the sentiment though and he forgets to eat a lot.
Sleeping.. all he wants to do is sleep sometimes but he feels like someone is constantly watching him or will enter the room and do something. Laying on a bed itself feels suffocating so he ends up on the floor or couch on good days. That’s not even including how his thoughts feel they are racing to the point he can’t fall asleep and when he does it’s just constant nightmares. Every time. Dying is the only way he can really get rest and he can’t kill himself often because Damian would find out.
He lets out a small sob at the last part before quieting himself, just staying like this but letting go of Damian so he isn’t restraining or hurting the man. He doesn’t want to do that. If and when Damian has to go then Jason doesn’t want to hold him down or stop him from doing so even if he really wants him to stay.
Damian sighs at that reaction, just holding Jason closer. He doesn't want Jason to think he's done something, or that he isn't allowed to hold onto him. Damian wants him to, he wants him to let himself want this. He wants his brother to be happy.
"For as long as you want me here- as long as you'll have me, I'll stay. I want to be here for you."
Damian mumbles, shutting his eyes for a moment just to let himself have this. Damian and Jason have had their rough moments in the past, but Damian just wants to look out for him.
It's different, but Jason and Talia had looked out for Damian when he wasn't well after the pit, he wants to repay that. To give Jason that same comfort he was given, to share it. Just he like shared the food. Damian hadn't really spoken about his troubles while unwell, mostly his needs were physical pain or being too out of it. He'd go hours without talking or really responding to anyone, he'd start trembling without knowing why, he couldn't eat or even keep down his food on occasion.
He couldn't walk that well, his legs would give out or it would be too painful to even stand, but he'd push himself so hard he'd end up curled on the floor, crying and mumbling incoherently about things he'd need to attend to. A lot of it was mumbling things of incoherence, too out of it really to voice things that made sense in the moment, most of it was stress related, responsibilities he needed to check in with, if his siblings were okay, and other times it'd just be quiet begging of not being hurt or punished for things he'd hadn't even done. A lot of the time when it was the latter his mother would stay with him and speak to him in Arabic softly until he fell asleep.
Now Damian's...alive and functional, back home in Gotham. He doesn't have those moments, not around others, but it wasn't the type of vulnerability that Damian ever wanted to display in front of anyone. It felt like he was being dug into and spilled out for all to see. It took him a while to really...speak properly to Jason when he gained his senses, but then Dick happened and all of that was thrown out the window.
”But- you have to go soon.”
Jason mumbles softly with a small inhale of air in between his words, hugging himself a bit. He doesn’t want to keep Damian here or anything especially with Bruce. He knows what will happen if Damian is late, Bruce will get mad. He’s always mad.
He finds it silly in a way how he’s the one being supported by Damian no matter how much being a bother like this or relying on anyone makes him feel like a burden. This is the first time Jason has really been vulnerable in this way that isn’t just sitting down next to Damian and curling up.
Jason used to be the one taking care of Damian, when they were coming back to Gotham. It was a multiple months trip and they only really had Dick by the end of it. Damian.. wasn’t in the best state to put it lightly. Jason often had to carry him or help him walk. He kept trying to push himself despite being even more fresh out of the pit then Jason and with his spinal injury.
Whenever Damian pushed himself too far or simply just.. broke under whatever pressure it was, physically or not, present or not, he would be incoherent, mumbling things in a mix of Arabic and English, apologies, responsibilities, things he deemed his own failures.
The begging reminded Jason of some of his past.. targets. They begged for him to have mercy on them but Jason.. they aren’t here anymore. Touch never quite worked and Damian only seemed to get more upset, that’s why Jason is so scared to touch him now. He’ll only make things worse.
Usually he’d just sit near Damian, in his field of vision and speak in whatever language Damian was speaking in about how it wasn’t his fault or it was just the two of them. Jason didn’t really speak much outside of that and his voice was always raspy and quiet but he thinks it helped.
When Dick came along it happened less since they were both more focused on him but whenever it happened Jason would usually leave something pillows and a blanket for Damian and let him have the room to himself so he could distract and look after Dick. That also seemed to help.
And now Jason is being a burden to him. After all those times he heard Damian mumble about the others and how stressed he was to take care of him and everything else Jason is selfishly taking even more from him. He should leave or at least pull away.
"It's fine, Jay. Not yet."
Damian says in response, maybe it's a bit of a lie or a stretch of the truth, but he just wants to stay here with Jason anyways. Damian doesn't want to go back, he wants to be here. Damian won't let himself misbehave enough to the point Bruce is enraged, because he knows that will only make things worse for his siblings, but if he's reprimanded or made to spar for longer than his muscles and spine usually allow while Bruce lectures him, he can deal with that.
Damian knows that he's not worth very much to the family, maybe that's why he started being more of a caretaker. Selfishly he just wanted to become someone that mattered, he wanted to be worthy of love. But Damian isn't that, he's bad, raised in an environment that build him with blood and cruelty, a cruelty that follows him, blood that stains each step he takes, a trail that leads back to where he killed his first man to please his Grandfather.
Maybe Damian just doesn't want his siblings to feel like this. Like they aren't worth the world to Damian, because they are and nothing will ever change that. Ironic how Damian's inherited this unconditional love from his mother, yet all this cruelty seems to always lie at the feet of his father. Damian carries sins on his back and blood on his hands, and he knows what he is. He knows that he isn't worth the air.
He will protect his siblings, his brothers and sisters, he will protect them and care for them, and if it's not enough he'll understand, because at least it is something. At least he has given them something. He will die knowing he's done as much as he can, and he will die hoping they continue on.
Though that's not truly how death is, is it. Maybe Damian wants to trick himself to thinking he will die again with his final breath being something righteous and selfless, but all he could think as he choked on his own blood and Bruce held him, was that he didn't want to die, not like this.
Jason huffs in response, shifting a bit.
“Liar.”
Jason grumbles, still hiding his face in Damian’s neck. He doesn’t believe him, not really but some childish part of him wants to delude itself that it’s true, that he isn’t being a problem or burden and he can stay her just for a bit longer and take in the comfort even though Jason knows it’s a lie, it’s all lies.
His mom said she’d live, his dad said he’d come back and Bruce said he’d stay and they are all liars. There’s only one thing in common and that is that they all leave Jason. Eventually. And it’s his fault. If he had been a better partner and hadn’t ran off then he wouldn’t have became so different that Bruce couldn’t even accept him, if he had maybe saved more money or done more his mom might have lived, if he was never born then his dad wouldn’t have to work so hard to provide for him and his mom.
That has to be it? It has to be his fault? He can’t think of anything else. And then Damian will leave too.. everyone will leave, everyone always leaves. And when Damian dies, assuming he doesn’t leave before then then what will Jason do? He feels like he’s running on everyone else’s time now that he has infinite, waiting for them to die or leave him. Jason doesn’t want anyone to leave. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t want them to.
Damian pauses at that for a good moment, sighing a little and still holding onto his little brother.
"I'm not leaving you, Jason. Not because of Fath-....because of Bruce. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me, dearest. You're more important."
Damian says. He holds onto Jason and turns his head so his nose rests a bit in Jason's hair, just breathing. Damian only wants to help, to be here for Jason and to love him. He deserves so much more than life has given him, Damian wants to be able to give him what he deserves. That love and patience.
Adjusting to being home in Gotham has been rough for both of them, Damian can tell that at least. Bruce has been horrible during it all, and there's only so much Damian can do before the pit seems to tug him into one direction of pure obedience. He hates the autonomy he loses, and especially hates the fact Bruce seems almost happy with this development. Damian no longer complains or even dares to challenge him.
Damian's been trying to gather himself and put all of his energy into his work and caring for others, which helps to keep the thoughts out but it tends to just make him crash harder when he's alone. He'd slept in his bathroom the other night, something he hasn't done since he was a child. Afraid of someone coming for him, afraid of everything. It definitely didn't do him any good for his back, nor did he sleep very well, but the bed and the rest of the room didn't feel safe enough. He couldn't face it.
"..Liar"
Jason mumbles, repeating what he said before. It's childish in a way, that same tone that you could almost imagine a small child pouting and crossing their arms. Jason right now is simply hugging himself and trying to hide himself somewhere in Damian's neck. He's too big to be considered a child no matter how much he feels like one. A helpless kid.
Even if he thinks Damian is just lying to him he still clings on, he can't help it. Damian isn't pushing him away so Jason simply cannot let go, even if it hurts or part of him doesn't want to hold on he's never had someone who doesn't push him away. He physically can't leave because his body desperately needs the comfort in a way. He'll keep deluding himself as long as he can just to stay for as long as possible.
He knows Damian will leave, whether that's because Jason annoys him or he's too busy to deal with him, maybe just randomly he'll decide Jason being a problem like this is too much and he wont try anymore. He thinks that makes sense, Jason is making it hard for him. Damian shouldn't have to deal with that. He honestly doesn't know why he keeps pushing back or being hard when he wants the comfort. He doesn't know anything anymore.
Or.. maybe Damian wont leave and Jason will end up hurting him. Or he'll die and Jason will still be there. He doesn't know what he would even do, if Damian never leaves until death. He thinks that would hurt more. Despite all his worries for the future and when Damian leaves, in the moment Jason doesn't really do anything, does he?
Damian pauses, sighing a bit but still holding onto Jason and cradling his head where it lays against his shoulder. He frowns at that before speaking softly.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it later. I just want to...stay with you for now, okay? Father can defend Gotham alone for a bit."
Damian bites down on the inside of his lip a bit hard. He just wants to stay with Jason in his arms for a little while and not have to deal with all of the things he needs to tend to and the jobs he has. He knows Red Knight is something he needs to work for, and that taking care and looking out for his family is something he needs to be there for, that he can't fail again, but selfishly he'd just like to hold his brother for a while longer.
Damian just wants to rest, he doubts he'll be able to for a while, so this is good enough. He doesn't need to mess things up because of his work and responsibilities. Jason is more important. He just wishes the boy understood as much.
Jason makes a small whining sound, feeling he's not getting what he wants across even though he doesn't even know what that is. He can feel his throat starting to close up but attempts to speak anyways.
"You'll get in trouble."
He mumbles, hugging himself tighter. He doesn't want to bother Damian or be a burden. He knows Damian wouldn't even tell him if he is being a problem and that makes him feel worse in a way. He doesn't know how to be better for him or make sure he isn't a bother. He doesn't want Damian to leave but he knows if he stays Bruce will probably get mad at him. Jason knows what happens when Bruce gets mad at people, especially Jason.
Back.. before he died Damian wasn't there for the first few years and Jason honestly idolised him a bit considering how much Bruce talked about and compared Jason to him. With Tim that comparison was also there, specifically when Jason was being emotional but also was framed as a warning and Bruce's 'greatest failure'. Whatever that meant.
Then Damian came back and yeah, Bruce was still kinda mean and lost his temper on Jason but so much of that daily anger was put on to Damian. Those sparring sessions.. Jason once was spying on them, he wanted to watch, maybe learn or see how Damian fought but it looked more like a beatdown on him. Jason started watching more after that.
Damian doesn't respond for a while, just holding onto Jason and sighing a bit. He knows it's...not entirely a secret the way Bruce can be, specifically when it comes to Damian. He tries to hide things from the kids but some of them have picked up on it more than the others.
Damian doesn't want them to think badly of Bruce because of it, and he doesn't want them to get hurt either. He tries his best to take the blame for things, to deter him when he's able. They've worked by each other's sides since Damian was ten, he can tell when the man is irritated or when he's about to blow. Damian just has to redirect the blast.
He's harsher with Damian, and Damian knows it's because of him. He knows he hasn't done enough, that he's deserved it all. But he also knows that his siblings don't deserve that. Jason never deserved the way Bruce treats him either, even before death. But Damian has become used to it. But Bruce is...he's Batman, he's a good man. Damian just...has to take the brunt of the times when Bruce cracks, he can do that, if it keeps everything afloat. If Bruce leaves his brothers and sisters alone, then it's worth it. Damian just needs them to be safe.
"I'll be okay. I've dealt with it before...he can't hurt me."
Not in a way that matters, Damian doesn't say. He can hurt him but at this point it's routine, Damian hides the bruises, from Jonathan, from the kids and Alfred...when he was younger it was from teachers. He can sit through the lectures and he can improve upon his faults, and their cycle will repeat. Damian has faced far greater evils, Bruce's treatment of him is simply a fact of life.
Jason frowns at the lack of response for a while, still staying leaned over and resting his head on Damian's shoulder. (He's too tall. The only way he can even rest here is by leaning and slumping all the way. It feels so wrong. He's too big.) He wipes his eyes before the tears can pour out. The area around his eye hurts for some reason but he barely notices it, the rough material of his glove probably irritating it anyways.
"Don' want you to get in trouble.. 'cause of me."
He responds when Damian speaks, keeping a hand over his face protectively almost. He feels too exposed without the mask and muzzle, like someone might be watching him. His paranoia is already kicking in, making him feel like looking around a bit where they are in the restaurant. It's private at least but he still feels exposed in a way.
Jason knows he's a problem.. a burden. Ever since he was a kid he knew. He remembered as a kid his parents would fight a lot, about money. His mom most of the time spent their money on drugs honestly and his dad drank too so they often brought that stuff up. He remembers his mom once mentioning that he also spent up their money, having to feed him and all. He's pretty sure his dad agreed but he was their responsibility so they couldn't do anything about it.
He wonders if Jason not being her child was why she said it. He knows she was high at the time but maybe it was because she didn't see him as her child. Jason will always see her as his mom but.. why would she love him if he wasn't even her kid? Someone like him.
With Bruce it was mostly Jason who was the one things were directed at. He was the problem kid who got into fights at school (even though he never started them and only was trying to defend himself from getting bullied) and didn't listen. Steph and Duke didn't live at the house and yeah they'd visit but they weren't really Bruce's kids, more like employee's honestly. Bruce seemed to like Cass a lot and she would disappear more often than not so Jason was the one who got the brunt of stuff.
Then Damian came and he started to take a bit more, not all of it but some and that was nice but he ended up getting in trouble for things Jason did. He didn't mean to hurt Damian. He tried to be better after that, so Damian wouldn't get in trouble.
Damian just takes a long breath and nuzzles Jason's hair a bit, an action of vulnerability—of affection, that he rarely shows. Damian has to think for a long moment before answering that, unsure how to stop Jason from blaming himself for things that Damian is doing.
"I'm an adult, dear. I'm responsible for my own actions and the consequences of them, it's not because of you. I'm choosing to stay with you."
He says softly, trying to steel himself and explain it calmly. He doesn't want Jason to think any of this is somehow his doing, that Damian wants him to feel this type of guilt. It's always been Damian's fault anyways, he's always been the one being disobedient and giving Bruce a reason to strike. A reason to yell, even when he was a child. He remembers have to calm down Duke with his limited knowledge on emotions or six year olds because Bruce had yelled at Damian in front of him then stormed out.
Damian remembers have to stand between Bruce and his siblings, legally related or not, to redirect that anger and getting it twice fold because he dared to do so. Damian knows what he's doing, he knows how to handle this. He knows how to handle Bruce by now.
"It's my own fault, how he's like this. It was never yours, Jason. It was never you."
He whispers, voice breaking almost at the end as he takes another long breath.
Jason is caught off guard by the movement but immediately melts back in, hiding his face in Damian's neck again. Every time he feels like he might be able to leave he feels pulled back the second he gets any affection, like a starving dog running back for scraps. He doesn't want to leave Damian but he should, so he doesn't get in trouble yet he selfishly can't get himself to leave, to pull himself away from the affection he feels so starved for.
It's selfish and wrong and he's taking too much and he only feels more panicked the longer he stays yet at the same time he feels like if he did leave he would simply crumble. So he holds on, otherwise feeling like he might drown.
Damian's words just make him feel like crying, snuggling closer almost desperately to Damian. It doesn't feel close enough honestly. No one chooses to stay with Jason, everyone leaves, on purpose or not. They die or simply discard him, thats how things go. Bruce doesn't want him anymore even though he promised he'd stay, that Jason could stay. Why would Damian want to even be near him?
He frowns at the last part though, moving and tilting his head a bit away and to look Damian in the eye. If it's not Jason's fault it isn't Damian's either. Damian has done nothing but try protect Jason and the rest of them even if he wasn't really there at the start. It's Bruce's fault. It's always him.
"No. It's not your fault. You're lying."
Jason says firmly, a mix of anger and concern on his face. Looking at his eyes they are green and on the edge of glowing.
Damian sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to breathe. He doesn't want to get emotional right now, his emotions have always been his weakness. He can't let those overtake him.
"I'm not lying, Jason. You haven't done anything wrong. Father acts this way because of how I had to be raised, it's not for any other child, and you don't deserve the pain. None of you do."
Damian tries to explain. Damian had to be raised harshly, reprimanded constantly and punished for his mistakes. He needed to become hardened and train to be the best he could be. He accepted that as a part of his life and the way he had to be brought up to do what he's always been supposed to. His duty as heir, his responsibilities, his role.
He's failed before to be the Batman Gotham and Bruce needs, but he can keep trying, he can become better. If he trains harder. If he keeps going. Damian needs to become greater than he is, and if the way Bruce has lead him through life is the way to get there he'll continue to obey him.
"I never wanted any of you to go through these things, to have to...to experience the way he can be, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
Damian says it softly, his voice breaking a little and sounding raw and almost gutted. He squeezes his fist that lays against Jason's back closed, digging his nails into his palm harshly.
Jason only frowns deeper at this, his eyes searching for some sort of sign that Damian is lying or doesn't believe what he's saying but he can't find any. He makes a small noise between frustrated and wounded at the end, moving forward to press his face into Damian's shoulder.
"No. No– It's not your fault."
He repeats, trying to see through some of the green that he's sure is going to start polluting his vision. He always gets emotional and mad like this and when he does he starts crying. He's always been an angry cryer as a child though he learned to hold it in till later and after he died it was trained out of him, at least he thought. But.. Jason feels more like a child now than ever, powerless to stop the tears or try tell Damian he's wrong.
It's Bruce's fault, not Damian's. He never.. blamed Damian for how Bruce was he just wished he was there more. Now he regrets it and feels guilty because the only thing that happened was that Damian got hurt, because of him. Because he didn't listen and of course Damian tried to take the brunt of everything.
Damian's confused why Jason seems so distressed, frowning when he realizes it's probably because of him. He hadn't meant to, he's unsure why Jason seems so firm about it not being Damian's fault, when it always is. He bites down on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
Is what he says, voice quiet and fragile sounding. It always tend to sound like that when he gets nervous like this. It never used to become such an issue, yet after he came back it seems like Damian is constantly apologizing simply for existing. If Damian had done better they wouldn't be in this situation, if he saved his brother they wouldn't be here. There's an overwhelming sense of guilt deep in his bones, his hands are slightly shaking, which is the only obvious sign of any distress. He's experienced with tampering down his reactions by now.
"I know it...it's hard for you and the others to understand. I was trained and raised to become the next Batman and the vessel for my grandfather, it's within my birthright. I just...wanted to protect you all from that."
Damian says softly, there's a layer of deep acceptance in his voice that makes it obvious this is something he considers as fact. Something he's grown to believe as pure truth, that to become the heir means to be go through all of this. That he has nothing else besides it.
DAMI DAMI DAMI DAMI
@littlest-flying-grayson
Yes? Is everything okay?
I hadda bad dream :(
Ah...I'm sorry, dear. Do you want to talk about it?
You-you and b
Mhm...
Do you want to come sit with me for a bit? I can make some hot cocoa or tea if you'd like, love.
Yeah please! You-is B okay?
Yeah, baby, B is okay. He's just working in the cave right now.
Hadda dream where you and B got hurt!
I see, that must have been very scary. I promise neither of us are hurt.
DAMI DAMI DAMI DAMI
@littlest-flying-grayson
Yes? Is everything okay?
I hadda bad dream :(
Ah...I'm sorry, dear. Do you want to talk about it?
You-you and b
Mhm...
Do you want to come sit with me for a bit? I can make some hot cocoa or tea if you'd like, love.
Yeah please! You-is B okay?
Yeah, baby, B is okay. He's just working in the cave right now.
