“I just think I’m always going to feel that way about you,” he admitted after a moment, when it was quiet enough for both of them to catch their breath. “But I realize now that just because I feel that way doesn’t mean I need to do something about it. I mean you are my first real and true love, Agnes. Didn’t that lady say the first cut is the deepest? And I just…I fucking adore you, as a person. And I’d hate myself to think that when you finally get the chance to throw a dinner party again that I would miss out. Now that would be a real heartbreaker,” he added with a soft laugh, grateful for the drink in front of him to sip from. “And you’re right, there is someone else. And I…I don’t want to fuck it up. I don’t want either of us to fuck up good things we have in our lives because we have this…longing, you know? Sometimes feelings just stay and that’s okay. But we have a lot of life ahead of us, you know? I mean we’re pretty fucking young and that’s not bad, I think it’s..hopeful. Anyway,” he stopped himself and sat up a bit as she put her hands on his, smiling softly to himself. “I honestly can’t say I have many questions. Other than how I can be supportive. I mean, people will feel how they feel about it, you know? They care about you. But at the end of the day, all I really care about is what makes you happy, you know? Like feel supported and good about yourself and solid. And also helps you have fun, cause if anything, it should be fun, you know? Anyway,” he said again, glancing at her hands before he brought them briefly to his lips, giving them a squeeze before sitting back in his seat again. “Now come on, let’s toast to how absolutely breathtaking you’re going to look in whatever dress you wear on your wedding day.”
It was a sight he had thought of often when they were together, and it was easier to focus on her rather than the fact that it wouldn’t be him standing across from her in that courthouse. “Well, after this, the best margarita of your life, I was thinking we could take a look at some of the shops and you can think about some you’d maybe want to go to tomorrow? I mean I just have a feeling you’re going to find some things you’d love and I know you’re saving money but I think we can get away with a few good finds. I’ve become exceptionally good at finding a bargain. But there is also ice cream in our future today. Tomorrow, I was thinking after shopping we could hang out by the beach? I can finally teach you how to surf, you can meet some of my friends. You remember Crystal who I mentioned? She has some high school friends in town so we figured we could all just hang out and enjoy the day. After that, well that’s a surprise I’m keeping to myself,” he added, in a weird way more excited now that he really knew where things sat. And that this weekend could be as much of a next step as it was a letting go. Damn, his therapist was going to be so proud. “So,” he took a deep breath and leaned his arms on the table, “What do you get up to when you’re not having an existential crisis back home?”
Agnes didn’t intend to stay quiet for so long, but everything he was saying required at least a minute or so for her to digest. She would have liked to think that they were both past everything, and since the engagement she had been trying to convince herself of that, if only to help build up the courage to actually face him in person again. But now that she had and the news was finally out, she knew just how wrong she was. Not only did he feel that way, but she did too. So much so that she almost expected him to try and change her mind, depending on him to be the rational one about this. But she supposed it was a relief that he didn’t, in a way. “I, um-” Agnes looked down at the table, clearly pulling another smile out of the thin air because she had to. She had gotten good at doing that for him, for herself even whenever she thought about Chanel. “Nothing. I mean, there’s nothing else you can do to be supportive but to... be here, I guess. That’s all I could ever ask for you. And I appreciate it, I hope you know that.” She shrugged, playing innocent. “If that’s your way of getting me to show you, then I’m sorry to disappoint. It may not be your traditional wedding dress, but I still want it to be a surprise. I’ll give you a hint though...” She leaned in closer, as if she was about to reveal some grounding breaking secret about her dress. “It’s white.”
“Hm, I almost had to say no until you closed the deal with ice cream. You know I wouldn’t so no to that, ugh.” She wrinkled up her face at him. “But I’ve been doing well at the whole saving money thing, by the way. I’ve been selling a bunch of old clothes and accessories online, and I barely touch my laptop to online shop anymore. The self restrain, it’s enough to make you proud.” She chuckled before nodding her head with genuine excitement. “I’d love too. I mean, I’m honoured that I even get to meet them.” She tilted her head to the side curiously, trying to find answers in the way he was looking at her. “Oh no. Not a surprise. I thought we established that only you were allowed to get those.” She fiddled with the glass in front of her. “It’s not an existential crisis. Rude.” Her eyes shot up at him as she grinned, eventually shrugging her shoulders. “Well, I applied for a styling position for one of the local magazines. I figured if I have to get a job, I might as well get one in fashion, doing something I enjoy. I mean, if Rachel Green can do it, then why can’t I?” Truth be told, she wasn’t sure she felt like talking about herself much, but for the sake of normalcy, she had to try. “Do you think you’ll come visit home any time soon?”
