My Testimony
So I think it’s time for me to post my personal testimony on my blog. I have to say, this might just be one of the hardest things I’ve had to write as I’ve done a lot of things I’m not quite proud of. God has brought me out of the darkness and into the Light. I am so very thankful for His sacrifice on the cross so that I can be forgiven. I’m posting this so that others can get a look into why my heart is still beating, and also hopefully it can show you that, no matter what you have done, God still loves you. Nothing can separate you from His great love.
It’s a bit long. I’m done hiding what I’ve been through. God has saved me from a lot and brought be through even more. Be blessed.
I was raised in church. From the time I was born till about the age of 11, I was in church every time the doors were open. My parents were actually the worship leaders, playing the music and singing the songs. It was so wonderful. Everything seemed perfect. My home life was very good at this point. However, my parents ended up getting a divorce when I was 11. I know there was a lot of unfaithfulness to each other but I didn’t ask many more questions. Needless to say, we all fell away from the Lord at this point. My mom went to be a bartender at this point (which she still is to this day) and my dad sunk himself in work. My parents had split custody so my 2 sisters and I went back and forth every few days. I’ve lived in over 40 different houses/apartments as the parents didn’t know if they wanted to be close to each other or not.It was quite rough. Anyway, when I was 12, I was introduced to pornography. I didn’t have anyone telling me it was wrong so I just stayed with it. I was even in a committed relationship with my “high school sweetheart” throughout this addiction. She ended up leaving me when I was about 17 because I wouldn’t give up this addiction.
My dad has now been divorced 3 different times. My older sister has a divorce in her records as well. Dad is still single and working on himself in the Lord. My older sister is married and has a house full of kids. They are great together, I just can’t wait until the Lord reaches down and takes hold of them.
Anyways, I got ahead of myself. When I was 18 and about to graduate High school, my little sister got saved. She started dating my best friend, whom was a preacher’s kid. She started going to church with him. She would beg me time and again to come with her on Sunday mornings. I was so terrified to go. I didn’t want to know what I would find if I’d asked God to come inside of me. I felt unworthy. I kept making up excuses and letting my sister down. It broke me to do that to her as we were really close. Finally, after a few months, she told me she was getting baptized. “Bub, will you please come” she asked with tears in her eyes. So I went to church with her that morning and say in the very back pew. Throughout the service, the preacher had asked if anyone wanted to be saved twice. Then he moved into the baptisms. My sister went down and back up again. She looked so new. I felt like I could relate to John the Baptist seeing the dove landing on Jesus. I wanted it. When the preacher asked again, I peeled my hands off the bottom of the pew (which still has my finger marks on it) and raced toward the front and gave my life to the Lord.I kicked my bad habit and focused only on Him.
That was right before I graduated High school. When I started college, I got heavily involved in a campus ministry. Everything I could do to reach out, i was there. I prayed for people on campus, I would walk and talk with anyone who was curious about Jesus. I even joined a church and taught Sunday school to middle schoolers. I kept myself busy so I wouldn’t get back into bad habits. It was amazing. So what happened?
Well, I met the woman I called my wife when I was 21. I pursued her and we grew in the Lord for about 2 years together before deciding to get married. Everything was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for more. Shortly after our marriage, I had to have a surgery. This put me down for 2 months. I couldn’t move or do anything. This meant that I had a lot of time to do nothing. So, sitting there at the house alone gave my mind time to wonder and I ended up falling back into that old sin again. Believe it or not, I kept it hidden for almost 2 years. I told my now ex wife that I was writing... It caused a lot of division between us and I did nothing to try and fix it. Still went to church and everything. I knew it was wrong. I knew I hurt her. So, finally I told her about it in year 2 of our marriage. Some of the things I stumbled upon online had ended up landing me behind bars. No, I did not go searching for what I’d found. I’ve learned the hard way that sin will take you further that you want to go and cost you way more than you want to pay. My ex wife stayed with me through my 11 months in jail. She said we could work it out and she forgave me. She challenged me to find out what it truly means to love someone. One of the best and hardest challenges that I’d ever been given. I read the Bible 3 times and any other books I could get my hands on about love and intimacy. I read Song of Solomon and Proverbs so many times they were falling out of my Bible. While I was in there, my hero, my mom’s mother passed away. This broke me even more than I already was. With this challenge my ex gave me, I was able to witness to several inside and lead them to the Lord. We ended up having Bible studies almost every day. It was incredible. That’s God taking a bad situation and using it for His good.
Anyways, the day I found out I was getting out was also the day I found out I was getting divorced. She still didn’t believe me that I didn’t go searching for what I had found. I left her the house, car, etc. I didn’t want anything. Moved back in with my mother. This is where I kind of fell away again. 8 years of relationships gone in the blink of an eye. The church I’d gone to and supported dumped me quick. I know what it feels to lose everything. Thankfully my family still supports me.
Good news: I am 4 years free of that addiction, I attend a church regularly and they seem interested in letting me play drums for the praise team. I’m still single and waiting on the kind-hearted, patient, loving individual that I know God has out there for me. If I’m to spend all my time alone, that’s fine too. I have Jesus. He is all that I need and I’m forever grateful that He has forgiven me.
