“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”— Robert Holden
I’ve been going through so much, and I thought I could just sweep everything under the carpet and let the time pass by like nothing happening. My anger has been getting worse, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry all my life. But all I know is I started hating myself when things weren’t going as planned. I always had plans for myself, setting goals for myself. When things fell apart, I fell apart eventually, and having a partner that doesn’t see that you’re way broken than how you look wasn’t helping at all. I always try to put up a brave face, even when I wasn’t brave, even when I was scared to death.
I just wanted someone to tell me “I know you’re scared and that’s okay”, the whole time I couldn’t talk about what I felt because I was scared I would ruin the mood. The relationship I was in didn’t want the bad, ugly, and messy parts of me. So I swept it under the rug.
I started to hate attending job interviews because of my recent rejection. I started hating and blaming myself for being too careless. All my depressed emotions, ugly temperament, and anxious thoughts started turning into an anger I couldn’t control anymore. It was eating me inside out, even the smallest things triggers it and all hell would just break loose.
Jealousy was also a main reason, but at first I didn’t know where it was coming from. I realized that my partner would tell me things, like how I am less of a person, how he loves me less, why my relationships are a failure, and so much more. I didn’t know those words would hurt me deep enough to become a green-eyed monster. I sometimes think that I’m pretty sure he never said those to any of his exes, and that’s why I’m so jealous of them, they must be so lucky.
I really don’t want to be filled with anger anymore, I’m hurting the people around me, and I am hurting myself.
