my own once upon a time

♥ hello! I'm Ivy, just your average dreamer. Welcome to my freewheeling come-as-you-are record of thoughts and feelings. With a more exact, specific settling of the day's account, perhaps a reflection of randomness thrown in for good measure. ;)

[aibieharu]

I keep praying for these dark thoughts to disappear..

I'm losing hope

Because maybe, just maybe, if I am gone

sometimes I feel like if I die, the people who have hurt me would be happy when I'm gone.

I cry while praying for something that will give me hope and to love life again because I'm tired of living.

[aibieharu]

I'm in between the two, standing still and on the run Don't know what to do, I'm in two places at once

The same things that make me smile Are the same things that make me cry The same things that comfort me Are keeping me up at night, 

[aibieharu]

I lost my spark.

I haven't been feeling like myself lately,

I guess for a while now

When did it start? When did I start feeling this way?

I don't know, I don't know what to do

i've just been tired

this sadness

I'm tired

sometimes when I find myself happy

But then something happens and robs my joy

I don't want another lesson

I don't want another character development

is it bad for me to ask for happiness?

I just want to breathe

I want to be happy

I want to feel happiness again

I lost her

I want to be me again

taking one day at a time

until that spark in me

finds me again

until I fall in love with myself again

[aibieharu]

hi,

I don't know where I should start.

I just feel defeated. Last year was the worst. I had so many reasons that kept breaking my heart. But I guess this year wasn't different. It started off breaking my heart again. If you didn't know, I cry easily. And, I've been crying myself to sleep lately.

The day we found out my dad had thyroid cancer. And at the hospital in the waiting room, the surgeon told us my dad had complications during his surgery. It was like a scene from a medical drama. It was a scary time. I had to be strong for my mom. I shouldn't cry in front of her. But, my tears were already pooling. I had to get it together.

I have to constantly remind myself. "Ivy, this is not about you," I whisper to myself. That usually wakes me up. That silently reminds me to have a self-sacrificing spirit, as I help my mom.

Because.. I don't deserve to feel tired, I shouldn't feel sad, even though I am tired, I am sad, I am heartbroken.

I shouldn't selfishly think of myself.. because.. my dad is the one struggling and dealing with his health.. my mom is the one having a hard time. She's the strong one. "Through sickness and in health" She's had so many sacrifices. Losing sleep on top of it.

As the eldest daughter, I have to be there for my mom. But sometimes I fall short.. I don't have superpowers.. I wish I did.

I thought while she was using all her energy to take care of my dad. I have to take care of her.

But at the same time.. I wish there could be someone I could lean on too.

Because it's been rough.

All I can do is pray.

[aibieharu]

[aibieharu]

JEON JUNGKOOK!!!!!!!

[jung-koook]

he’s the most precious in the world 🥹

[aibieharu]

[minieggukie]

that time when rap line went aboard the pirate ship 🤣🤣

+

[eoieopda]

yoongi describing this very incident in a later episode kills me

[aibieharu]

[sugajimin]

HE IS SO DAMN ADORABLE 😭😭

[aibieharu]

[aibieharu]

[aibieharu]

It was nice to see friends I hadn't seen in years because of the pandemic. I was so happy to see them and they were so happy to see me. The "excited to see you, eyes light up kind of greeting" made my heart incredibly happy. They couldn't recognize me at first, with my haircut. They said I'm glowing and blooming. That I looked so beautiful. I thought that was nice. I mean.. I don't think I look different?

But.. rather.. I feel different. Maybe there is a new glow to me?

I feel lighter, I don't remember feeling this happy and healthy in my life. I do feel beautiful. My heart, mind, and soul.

I did lose a little bit of weight. It was for myself. I wanted to be healthier. Twenty pounds. Small achievements make me happy.

This new chapter. I've been healing and learning more about myself. I can see myself how others see me. My best friend calls me sunshine. Full of light and light as a cloud. I do have moments when there are rainy seasons and I just want to wrap myself up in a blanket and just cry. I just let that feeling pass me by, I know a beautiful rainbow greets me in time.

I'm bubbly. Shy at times, under different circumstances, but have the superpower of striking up a conversation with someone and making them feel I've known them all my life. I'm actually pretty funny. I mostly stay at home, I like my own company. Sometimes I forget others like my company too. haha, I'm introverted but seen as extroverted. I laugh a lot, you'll find me giggling somewhere. I sing randomly, almost always towards my baby dog. I get that habit from my mom. I have a sweet tooth, macarons are my weakness. Korean dramas are my comfort when I need time to recharge. I'm short. I'm five feet to be exact. I know.. I only look taller in pictures.. haha sorry. Flowers, hugs, and BTS are my love language. I'm clumsy. I still have yet to fix my sleeping schedule. Trying to leave the team no sleep panda eyes. I love deeply and care deeply.

[aibieharu]

[aibieharu]

Good parts 💐☁️✨

[jung-koook]

jungkook in a white shirt 😳