My loveliest Fish of the Deep Blu~
I’m so sorry. For everything. For being too much. For not being enough. My sincerest and deepest heartfelt apologies to you. I feel so silly for believing this was something bigger than you and me. I’m sorry for so many things that the guilt is overwhelming and as I sit here writing this, it is eating me alive.
I know you tried the best you could.
I hope in our parting you fully comprehend I did, too.
I’m not perfect but I guess for a minute I felt like being a part of your world would allow me to indulge in doing what every couple I believe does such as making sure while apart things ran as smoothly as possible for you and even more so if I was a part of the reason they may not (ie; being tired and not hearing the alarm).
Yesterday I was so excited to call you because while indeed I wanted to be sure you were in fact awake, I had some other exciting news to reveal, however; instead of sharing it with you I just became defensive when you answered and immediately began criticizing me for calling. I had been waiting for you to wake up all morning to tell you, but you didn’t answer my good morning text and I jumped the gun.
For the record, I never once thought of you as my child, nor did I ever think you couldn’t live without me as you made it abundantly clear the day before you DID NOT NEED ME. I was good with that. I told you early on I wanted to be wanted and not needed anyway.
I’m truly sorry I made you feel like I was trying to be your mom. I wasn’t. I just wanted to share something with you that you encouraged me to do that I finally did. Nothing even that important but since you had mentioned it a few times I thought you’d like to know. Again, that assumption is why we are indeed where we are now. In the ruins of Rome.
I’m sorry for not having my phone near me yesterday. For you believing I would ignore you. I would never. As soon as I heard it ring briefly before I made it back to my room where I had thought it was actually charging, the power cord wasn’t plugged in and it died but I called you back immediately. I can’t plug in my remote for the lights and the power cord n the one outlet and forgot I hadn’t re plugged in the power cord from the night before. I never heard the two texts prior. It saddened me to discover this made you mock me, insinuate I wasn’t being honest, thereby causing you to judge me with contempt and to take a superior stance over me. It felt bad. Real bad.
My heart sank as you made the decision to say you didn’t need/want “that” in a relationship before we hung up.
Feeling less than and too much for (in the greatest of paradoxes)
my only recourse was to take a step back. I was on the verge of tears, the lump in my throat making it hard to swallow or speak so to retreat was where I felt it was best.
I’m sorry for the pressure I put on you for wanting to do the stupid shit that couples getting together do.. such as sending snail mail cards or small tokens to show you the importance and priority you had in my life. Pressure was never my intention. I was just so excited to be able to really sit back in our love and relish myself in its luscious content and cozy comfort.
Seemed none of those things mattered as you kept finding faults about me for the last four weeks and being judged so harshly had my anxiety skyrocketing.
From my past and stories I tried to share, to Facebook , my wanting to celebrate little stupid couple holidays, my appreciation of your attempts to be a better man and my genuine want to be a part of your life.. you found fault in all of it. Too much.. not enough.. que cera cera.
I throughly enjoyed you and while we aren’t perfect I guess even thinking you were perfectly imperfect for me was pressure too. I never meant to do that to you and I’ll shoulder total responsibility for the demise between us. It was me. It’s not you. I felt shattered as the text you sent came across my screen stating you had already cancelled the flight. My heart hurts more than words. I finished making dinner and have sat here still inside myself as it all just saturates my core. What an absolute loser I feel like.
Tonight has been overwhelmingly difficult as I come to terms with these cold hard truths and I’m also sorry for speaking from a place of anger while I was defending the assault upon my integrity and character. You said yesterday how I wasn’t compromising but in the end there was nothing to compromise because the law had been laid down swiftly and firmly without room for debate or discussion.
Hence my comment about the third reich. It was a low blow but I had already readily taking full accountability for calling that morning, understood your stance, apologized several times both verbally and in writing which is what I thought I was supposed to do.
I’m not sure how it all fell apart so fast for as deep as it seemed,
to be done and over because of a phone call when my only intention was to just make sure you were up because I care and to tell you what it was that I was so excited about.
I just wanted to be good. Good for me. Good for you. Good for us.
Thank you from the depths of my heart for helping me overcome a few major obstacles. Obviously I have much work to do even still , but you were good for me. I’ll never forget how you looked at me. I’ll never forget how I felt.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part even if only briefly of your beautiful world.
I hope this explains, if you even care or bother to read it.
May you always swim free❤️
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