Why did I have to get stuck with illness that is incurable? Why couldn't I have something that goes away with pain medication and sleep? Why do i have to be stuck with something that I have to treat for the rest of my life? Why couldn't I have been born with the perfect brain, the perfect family life, the will to do things in my life? Why do i have to be stuck with the mental state that rampantly affects my emotions from having too many to none at all, that makes me go from undyingly loving and compassion for people to feeling almost hatred for them, from loving the company of others to never wanting to be around them. I want people in my life but i want them to go away and leave me alone, I'm terrified to make friends because I know I'll end up hurting them when they see I suddenly have no desire to be around them or say something awful. I'm lonely but i wanna be alone. I'm so tired of being sad and angry all the time, I'm tired of feeling nothing, I'm tired of hurting people, I'm tired of other people hurting people, I'm tired of people not hearing a word I say, I'm tired of talking over people, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of not trying, I'm tired of trying to love myself when everyone loves their perception of me, I'm tired of loving the false me I've created, I'm tired of being the "normal" one in the family when nothing I experience is normal, I'm tired of starving cuz I'm broke, I'm tired of eating cuz I have too, I'm tired of being in the middle when everyone around me wants me to choose sides, I'm tired of pretending I'm content, I'm tired of being here, im tired of the weather, I'm tired of not knowing, I'm tired of knowing, I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of wanting a place that doesn't exist, I'm tired of being worried over nothing, I'm tired of feeling an illusion of happy, I'm tired of settling, I'm tired of allowing myself to settle, I'm tired of my laziness, I'm tired of procrastinating, I'm tired of feeling no drive to do things, I'm tired of having no passion, I'm tired of being invisible, I'm tired of existing, I'm tired of being me, I'm tired of trying to fix the damage others caused, I'm tired of trying to like myself when I've been taught to hate myself, I'm tired of my families first come first serve mentality, I'm tired of the judgment and negativity during holidays, I'm tired of not being able to turn off my brain, I'm really tired, and I can't sleep. I'm falling apart, I just need someone to keep me from falling apart, to love me and pick me up when I'm down, to lift this burden of of me, but how selfish is that to burden such a kind person with a broken human who may feel nothing for them tomorrow. I will die alone and my only hope is that the light in my life knows I love him, and that he's done more for me than anyone ever has, to heal me and keep me above water to see the future, a brighter future, there's a lot of people who keep me alive but he's the one I want to live for. When I'm dying, he makes me feel alive. Hopefully one day I won't be invisible to you, and I can tell you in person, to your face, "I'm alive because of you. I can live for me because I lived for you. No amount of thank yous will express my undying gratitude."
tangentwithtanner
jacobvanloon
andulkaphoto
2087
pixelskylines
origamiaround
