you can (not) redo

he/they

[dearpercocet]

From My Head to My Middle Finger.pdf

Well, the people have been asking for it, so here it is. This is a full pdf of all the FT Willz poems and Frank Iero poems I could find.

[ak3chii]

things aren’t good, not by a long shot. i thought i was getting better, i thought i would be happier. i wanted to make sure this summer was a good one, but i’m just angry and upset and so much is happening but nothing is happening all at the same time. i really hope i rot and die in this bed. i hope i go to sleep one morning and don’t wake up. i can’t stand myself when i’m not sober, i never wanna be sober. i wake up in my own bed but when it’s dark and i can’t see anything, it feels like i’m back at your house. i can feel the weight and warmth of someone unwelcome in my bed. i can feel hands on my bare skin if i don’t cover it. why’s all this shit coming back again ? and my parents fight a lot too, just like when i was little. everything is bringing me back to times i never want to remember, and it’s fucking me up. i have no grasp of time, the year changes every few days. and you, what’s with you? i really liked you at first, y’know. i thought you were different. i thought you would be the one to understand, and i wanted to be with you, but why can’t you keep it the fuck in your pants, especially knowing all the shit you know. i told you i don’t like sex, i told you how it makes me feel. and i told you about how i can’t feel anything anyways, and that’s fine to you ? is it my fault because i never explicitly said i didn’t want to ? your scaring me now, and i don’t wanna answer you, but you’ll get upset if i don’t. i hate boys sometimes, i hate how they treat me when they like me. it makes me feel gross, but i feel so validated from it, i eat it up. this is getting kind of stupid now, i’m just talking about my boy problems. how did i go from fucked up and suicidal to boy problems? oh well, we’re on the topic now. i really crave a relationship, but i never attract good people. why do i even want a relationship in the first place ? probably trying to fill some sort of void hoping that a partner will make me less suicidal. i haven’t even really liked someone in ages, just little crushes. can the universe just please send me someone who’s nice looking and has the same interests as me and doesn’t want to breed me or use me as a cocksleve please ? i would really enjoy that.

[ak3chii]

i miss you so much, i’m ashamed that i do. i wanna talk to you so bad, but i can’t, i know i can’t. we’ll probably talk at school, but even if you don’t know i know, i’m still gonna make sure i give you as much space as possible. it’s bad how much i miss you, like whenever i think about you, or see you or hear someone talk about you, it feels like thorns grow up through my throat and in my stomach. it makes me wanna cry, and i have cried over it. you have all the right in the world to not talk to me, and i’m not gonna force you to, because you’d probably try and act like nothings wrong if i did, but i know what’s wrong, and i deserve this. i need to get out, befriend more people, give myself a way to pass the time. how did i lose so much so fast, and not even notice it ? i hate everything that my life has turned into. it’s pathetic, fucking pathetic. i have two friends and one of them lives in a whole other fucking country. i feel alone all the time, and maybe i should. maybe it’s what i deserve. but anyways, i miss you a fucking lot

[ak3chii]

i think being a transgender man causes a person to have a strange mental relationship with women, regardless of wether you feel attraction to them or not. although i’m a man, i was socialized as a girl. to everyone, in my developmental years, i was a girl. i felt the societal pressures of womanhood, especially in the circles i was in. I felt great need to be a perfect woman, in the eyes of a man. my idea of being desirable and valid as a female was tightly knit to what the men around me expected of me. awful things were done to me, but it took me so long after they happened to realize that they were wrong, because i felt like i needed to be wanted by a man to truly be a successful woman. and still, some of this has carried over indirectly into my manhood, along with some similar experiences that are a little more transman-like. i still feel the need to be desired by men, in a validation sense. i feel like women can’t like me if they aren’t bisexual, because i’m not a complete man. it’s easier for me to befriend and date women, but when i’m with men, i get a certain thrill, call it gender euphoria, when they treat me like just another one of the boys. i chase it, and i let them do disgusting things to me, because i feel as though it’s just another aspect of how men behave and socialize with each other that i need to learn to get used to. in the past, i’ve treated women awfully because i only knew what i saw, my female friends staying with shitty boyfriends, i thought that being that way was the only way a man could be. to me, men were commanding, and were always a step above everyone else. this is how the men who liked me were when they knew me as a girl. showing vulnerability to a female felt too girly, being the one to show affection in the relationship felt wrong. that was long ago, though, and as i’ve improved, there’s still more i need to work on. womanhood really is a curse, but it’s not their fault. all these societal pressures, and disgusting normalcies, they really make me upset, because even as a man, i have experienced them as well. as a woman, i felt the need to please men to be a valid woman, and now as a man, i feel the need to please men for them to accept me as their own. it’s really a vicious cycle

[ak3chii]

i can just fucking picture it already

why do i have to be like this

why do i have to get so attached to all the wrong people

and why are all my issues so convenient for them

i can just fucking picture it

four years down the line, maybe less, maybe more, a university age me

a university age me that studies hard and lives in a dorm or apartment with his boyfriend

and his boyfriend works a job

and when his boyfriend has shit days at his job, he comes home to the only way he can think of letting off steam

and he groped and touches and fucks his anger out

and it’ll fucking hurt me. it’ll hurt like hell

but that little fucked up part of me will be getting fed. the part of me that only wants to be useful and liked and validated

because if my body will help my shitty boyfriend feel better after a hard day of work, why should i deny him such a thing ?

it doesn’t matter if it hurts. it doesn’t matter if i feel like i did all those years ago, it doesn’t matter if he wants to shove shit in my mouth and play with my pornstar pussy and make me feel like i’m 13 again

because i’ll probably love him, so as long as he’s feeling good, i’m gonna push down all the bad and gross shit and let myself be his self heating fleshlight

and sure, this cycle i’ve got going on will probably be the death of me, but i’m only here to please

maybe i’ll luck out and end up with someone a little nicer, who’ll use my body and take all my control away consensually. because it’s fucking sick, but sometimes i think i want that. just to be completely at somebody else’s mercy, give up my control for once. be vulnerable for once and be treated like a fucktoy. even if i hate it, lots of other people sure love my body. lots of people have used it to satisfy their selfish fucking pleasures, so maybe i’ll feel something if i got fucked merciless with no regard for my own pleasure by someone who actually cared for me. maybe they would kiss me all gentle and clean up all the dirty stuff and bring me a snack and some water afterwords. maybe they would hold me tight and tell me how much i meant to them instead of giving me a handful of pills and some vodka to wash them down and putting the comforter from my grandmothers bed over my shoulders. it’d be nice if they’d run me a warm bath, to get in together and wash off all the pretty filth. and maybe i’d be sober, too, and willing in my complete right mind, instead of being hand fed pills and drinks like a dog being fed treats, so i could loosen up enough for them to get some petting in. i yearn for a sex that doesn’t leave me with unwanted emptiness. fuck, even if the sex does make me feel empty, just fill me back up with simple affection, kiss it fucking better for once

[ak3chii]

intimacy is something i haven’t experienced in quite some time. not in a way i enjoy, anyways. it’s really been months since i’ve been so close to someone and enjoyed it. i miss it. i’m reminiscing on it, or more like fantasizing. i won’t indulge my head by thinking about you, because i already miss you way too much to bear. instead, i’ll imagine a faceless, blurry caricature of a person skin to skin with me under blankets. i want to feel the bumps of bone run along my fingertips, i’ll feel how they all connect. i’d make a mental image of what your skeleton looked like if you’d give me the time to. moreover, i wanna feel pulse beat against my lips. face in neck, and burning warm skin. it all makes my heart beat out of my chest, i melt into it. it’s so easy to forget that everyone is warm blooded, with a pulse and a heartbeat just like you. i’d do anything to be so close, legs entangled. things of sexual nature can be pleasant, i suppose, but just being close and being warm is so much nicer, i prefer it. maybe this is just musings of a touch starved, lonely idiot, or maybe i’m just longing again, but i’d do anything you say just for the opportunity to be so close again. id feel so safe, so perfectly and utterly okay i’d start to think i’m normal. so wipe my tears and hold me close, won’t you?

[ak3chii]

for fucks sake, i need you so much more than you need me. i hate being so burdensome, why can’t i just be like everyone else ? someone who won’t annoy you, or bother you, or upset you at all. i’m just so fucking awful, i get upset when you don’t wanna talk to me but i gotta start understanding that i’m just too much. i hate having a favourite person. it makes me selfish, and stupid, or maybe i just wish it wasn’t you, because of everything that happened, and how it must make you feel so awful and pained, that’s why ill never tell you. if you would be happier without me, please just tell me that and move on, instead of doing whatever this is. i just wanted to see you. i just wanted to hear your voice. i think i fucked up again, bad. why did i have to say that? fuck, i don’t know what to do. i can’t stop crying. i can’t lose you, i can’t have you hate me. i can’t do that, but i think i already did. i can’t double text you to get an answer because then i’ll be desperate and annoying. but maybe i fucking am desperate. i can’t leave my bed, and everything is spiraling downwards. i just wish i had the balls to kill myself. well, not even the balls, just the knowledge and resources. if i kill myself then i won’t be here to make problems for everyone anymore. everyone will be happier, you’ll be happier, and that’s all that matters.

[ak3chii]

today must just be an ordinary day for you, i doubt you would remember. but today means something to me. i’m a little surprised i remembered, to be honest, but i guess i was just so happy, it was pretty fucking hard to forget. i remembered that today was when i asked you, one year ago. the way i asked was so fucking stupid, it’s embarrassing to think about, but it’s not awful, because it was you, and you made my heart swell. you still do, but it’s different now, not so kiddish, like getting butterflies when our hands brushed, or having my heart pound in my ears whenever you told me you missed me, now it’s more like, i just want to see you happy. when you smile, and when you laugh, it feels so nice. it feels perfect. when you sigh after getting comfortable, it’s music to my ears. i think i savour the moments that your content more than you do, honestly. it’s not such an upset and painful feeling of possessiveness and feeling unwanted and never chosen by you, now, it’s mellowed out. still strong and no signs of it going away, but it’s so much softer now. i want you in the most gentle and mundane ways. i want to fall asleep pressed against you again, i want to hug you with your head on my shoulder, i want to play with your hair, and i want to see you smiling. this whole thing is part of the reason why i actually am gonna get you a gift, not easter, that was just an excuse. it’s a special day for me, so i’ll celebrate it with everything that makes me think of you, fond memories, the happiest of things. you make me happiest, and i like myself when i’m with you.

[ak3chii]

fuck you, just, fuck you. i don’t mean that, i would never mean that to you, but i’m so upset right now, over the stupidest fucking shit, and i just feel like you’ve left me so alone and in the dark. i feel like you abandoned me, you got bored of me. what was i to you, some fucking toy? and once the novelty wore off, you replaced me like that ? i don’t even know what i’m saying. this isn’t true, and you’d get mad at me for thinking this way. i just wish i meant a little fucking more to you, that’s all. this is all because your my favourite person. i wish i could tell you that, so you would know, but that’s put so much burden on you. i don’t want that. i just want a little bit more of you. i want to be alone with you. i just want to be close enough so our knees will touch, maybe. i want you to seem happy to see me, if it’s real, if it’s fake, i’m too fucking dumb to tell the difference. i just wish it wasn’t always her and never me. when did it turn into always her and never me? is it because she’s newer, and funnier, and nicer, and less boring? did i bore you to death ? i’m sorry. just please don’t leave me.

[ak3chii]

god, is this what people fucking mean when they say down bad? i really don’t know how to cope with this, because your hitting me like a fucking truck and you don’t even know it. i found myself listening to the songs that remind me of you again, i think i’ll make a playlist. but then, i remembered the song that you told me reminds you of me. that was long ago, though. it probably doesn’t mean that to you now, and that’s ok. i know that i don’t mean anything to you in that way anymore. but you did, you felt that way and you listened to that song and thought of me, and i listened to that song, and wondered if thoughts like this towards me ever cross your mind, still. i’m not being optimistic or looking or hoping, i’m just thinking. and i really thought i only felt something platonic towards you. platonic my fucking ass, although i can mask it, and not act on it, and suppress it, your everything i’ve ever wanted. i know the fact that your probably my favourite person also ties into this, but i’ve had favourite people many a time before and did not feel a lick of romance towards them. i can’t even describe the way i like you. it’s different than all the times before. it’s like the first time again, like it’s my very first time falling for you, but i feel it deeper. i don’t even want to be with you all that much. i mean, of course i would love to, but it’s not like that. i just wanna take care of you. i wanna hold you, i wanna make everything you feel good. quiet nights in this bed spent synching my breath to yours are what i look foreword to most. when you put your head on my shoulder, when you lay facing me, when you let me play with your hair, it all means so much to me. your comfort, and your home, and your my dreams and my nightmares and the sun and soft blankets and good music and the colour pink and a goodnight kiss. your everything, and i’m yours.

[ak3chii]

i have no fucking clue why, but my brain is completely boy-wired lately. i’m aware that i go through phases where i prefer one gender over the other, but what the fuck is this shit? i feel,,, empty? basically my body is yearning for cock. weird in itself, since i barely get horny anymore. i actually thought i was on the ace spectrum, since i never derived sexual pleasure from sexual encounters, and of it wasn’t through coercion, all of my consensual scenes, i was only doing it to please the other person, to feel as close to them as i could possibly get, physically and emotionally. so why is the thought of some faceless man, nothing but a firm body and a big dick, pounding into me keep occupying my fucking thoughts ? is this some trauma related shit, am i just horny, or do i need to touch some grass? because for the longest time, i never thought i would be able to let a penis enter me. the thought of it just made me sick, due to experiences. but now, all of a sudden i’m yearning for a man’s touch. i’m not even horny. not mentally, anyways, but the thought popped into my head earlier while reading something, and the space between my legs became wet. what the fuck is that about? i don’t want that, so why is my body acting like i need it? is it because i’m ripe and perfect baby making age? is my body trying to trick me into creating offspring? not even just sex, i caught myself fantasizing about being held by a man, kissing one, and all the domestics. do i just yearn to be wanted by one? i guess that’s probably part of it. i feel so down on myself about my body lately because i haven’t gotten any gratification for it. god do i fucking wish i could send someone revealing photos of myself, and be given praise and compliments. have them get exited, even . want to touch me. that would be awfully nice.

[ak3chii]

the feeling of being wanted runs too rampant. too intense, from men. i want to be one of them, i want to be needed by them. when i fucked up with him, found out he wouldn’t want me, i felt so awful. it’s so fucking dumb, i barely knew him. but i wanted him to want me so bad. i didn’t want him, but i wanted him to want me, i wanted him to like me, i wanted him to validate me. make me feel like a man by wanting me. he didn’t want me. that’s what all the men before him wanted. they wanted me, because i was cute and had a nice body. why didn’t he want me? all the boys before him wanted my body, and that’s ok because i felt needed. i wish he wanted to touch me. i wish he would need me. he was the first guy who came into my life in awhile, and all the other guys wanted me, so why not him? huh, i must’ve made him uncomfortable. i need the validation, i need to know that my body is desirable again. i don’t feel desirable. this body, i hate it, but if other people like it, then i can like it too. i think i would tear up out of happiness if a wanting hand were to touch my body right now. fuck him, he made me like this. he made me feel special. too special. he made me feel like i was a man for being touched like that. he touched me like i was a man. so now i have to be touched by a man to feel like one. men let other men touch them and want them and that’s what makes me a man, isn’t it? as long as they want me, that makes me a man.

[ak3chii]

maybe this life just wasn’t meant for us

not in that way

you’ll always be a big part of me, no doubt

you’ll always occupy space in my brain

but it’s time for a fresh start, i need that

your my best friend. that gets put above all else

and it’s about time i stopped trying to be something to you that i’m not meant to be

because i wanna be with her, and i wanna make her happy

i can’t wait around for something that’s never gonna happen. i can’t be a dog at the pound waiting for it’s owner to decide they want it again.

i’m done being your puppy

there’s a ticket to happiness right in front of me, all i have to do is take it

whether i do or don’t depends on how i react when i’m with you alone again. whether i can be your normal, good, 100% platonic best friend

and if i can, then that means a fresh start

and if i decide to keep staring at my ceiling ten times nightly waiting for the one night every other week i get to fall asleep with you in my arms, so be it. that’s fine too. as long as i’m not hurting anyone.

your so much better at not liking me than i am at not liking you. it’s not fair.

so whoever i end up falling asleep next to, i hope it’s the right choice.

[ak3chii]

i’ve been thinking of ending things again. you know, leaving forever. i know i won’t do it, but the thought is there and it’s awfully tempting. i hate the person that i am. i make myself sick to my own stomach. i hate how i look and how i act and how i think, and i hate how the people i want to stay the most always get bored of me. i’ve been craving validation and attention again, because i’m sure as hell not getting it from any healthy sources. not from my parents, they’re too busy at each other’s throats. i just wish that maybe they could put on the front of being happy and in love like they have for the last 10 fucking years for two more, until i’m gone and their shit won’t affect me. it’s selfish, i know, but i can’t stand them like that. they complain about each other to me and try and paint the other as the bad guy when they’re both shitstain excuses for people. i don’t wanna be touched, but i want to be looked at like i’m a deer in the middle of a wolfpack. no, actually want isnt the right word for that. it’s intrusive, and it makes me wanna puke, but male attention is what makes me feel like i’m worth something, that’s how i was trained to feel, even if i’m only worth as much as a two cent whore to them. and i’ve been thinking about you so much lately, too. you and the way you keep reminding me of that awful time. you talk to me like your being held hostage and forced to. it’s not your fault, i understand that you have so much of your own stuff to deal with. although it really just puts into perspective how i’m sorta just another person to you, nothing special. i realized that i shouldn’t keep waiting around for you to decide you want me for a week, as much as i would sit and happily wait centuries alone if i knew that at the end of it i could be yours at last. seriously, no matter what i feel, if you suddenly decided you wanted to be with me i would be yours in a heartbeat. i’m already yours, i have been for so long, it’s just been a matter of when you wanted me and when you didn’t. but she wants me, and i like her. my body doesn’t spark up when she touches me, though. not the same as your touch. and the way i feel safest when i’m pressed up against you. i’m sure, in time, i could feel that way about her too, but i guess i’ll always just be a little bit yours, no matter what. my body reacts to you even when my brain doesn’t. but i’m sure i can force my brain to register that as platonic for as long as i need to, until you decide you want me again at some point and i crawl back like a kicked puppy. it’s really not that bad, i’m just exaggerating things for dramatic effect, because it helps. but if you ever decide you want me, i’m already yours.

[ak3chii]

i feel so empty, disgustingly so. i can’t communicate how i feel to anyone, it’s futile. i don’t wanna do anything. i just wanna rot away here, with nobody to bother me. i wish i could just be left to sleep. i hate being around so many people. don’t get me wrong, they’re great, but it’s so fucking exhausting being something that i’m not constantly. i know i don’t have to, but i can’t let them leave. i can’t deal with anybody else getting tired of me, i can’t be boring. because i already bored you to death, it’s easy to tell. i got too comfortable with you, enough to be myself even on my bad days, and that bored you, didn’t it? fuck, man, i just miss you, which is fucking dumb and pathetic because i see you every day, and it’s not your fault that i feel like you hate me, i understand that your going through stuff too, so don’t blame yourself, but please don’t get mad at me either. i can’t help it, i can’t help it. it’s so intrusive that i can’t fucking shake it, ok? especially when people change from what i’m used to. i hate change because it means i have to rework what to say and how to act. it’s so fucking difficult to just be comfortable, and be myself with people. you were the only one i was comfortable with, but now i don’t even know about that. i’m so scared of you getting mad at me or upset with me, i’m so scared of you leaving, it just makes me think i need to be whatever you want most, but how can i be that when i don’t even know what makes you happy right now? it feels like you like it best when i’m away. it feels like your happier when i’m not around, but i think that’s just intrusive, too. there’s no good reason for me to feel like this. i just wish i could be alone with you. i just wish i could cry into your chest right now and not this stuffed fucking animal. why am i even crying? fucking pathetic, i’m pathetic. i’m sorry

[ak3chii]

i really need to calm down and stop being so hung up on this. it was just a dream. it was just a dumb fucking dream. they happen all the time. but why did it all feel so real? why did the same feeling of constantly feeling like i’m gonna fucking vomit from what i’m feeling transcend into a dream? and why did you say that to me? i think this dream was just a projection of my own fucking insecurities, but what if it means something? what if you do actually hate me that much? i forget who the other person was, but i remember you telling me you hate me and then you laughed with them. and then when i asked “is that why it’s so hard for you to be nice to me” you laughed at that, too. and you nodded. do you really hate me? i think it would be a lot easier if you told me the truth on how you feel about me rather than keeping me in this state of utter confusion and panic. what am i saying, you don’t hate me. i can’t be thinking this. you wouldn’t want me to think like this, but what if that’s a lie too? if you do have bad feelings relating to me, please do tell me. because i can’t shake the feeling that your happier, and have more fun when i’m not around. i’m probably just the only best alternative to her, and i’m convenient. no wonder why you don’t wanna be around me alone anymore. no, i can’t say that. that’s just my intrusives getting bad again. but, really, am i that awful? i need to stop. this is getting pathetic. i’m sorry

[ak3chii]

i’m so fucking shameless. so pathetic. why the fuck would i do that ? i can’t believe myself. i feel like im gonna puke. i feel so sick and i can’t concentrate on anything. why do i think i’m free to do whatever the fuck i want to myself just because i’m getting less attention than usual? i’m not seeking attention by doing this, not by any means, but the one of the only things that holds my sanity in those situations is people telling me not to, telling me they care about me. but i’m left alone for a little too long, and i make it my goal to destroy myself by any means. it’s not that bad, not like it used to be, but that bad habit and thought process comes back around when things go south. i didn’t know what else to do, i was scared that if i didn’t, i would feel that way forever, so i wasn’t thinking when i grabbed the blade. i don’t fucking know. please let us hang out together alone next weekend. that makes me sound so co dependant, i’m not, i just miss you, you know, even though i see you every day. i miss sleeping in the same bed as you and waking up next to you. maybe, am i being to pushy and making you uncomfortable? when i bring up sexual context things, i hope you don’t think i’m asking for it, or that i’m some horny freak, i only remind you in case you decide you want your hands on my body, or need it or whatever. I never expect anything like that of you, nor do i think of you that way. i just wanna lay next to you, please. i get so eager to be near you, and i jump at any opportunity to have contact with you. just please let us be alone together soon. your so far away again. it’s not your fault, it just makes me think of when you were mad at me, it makes me feel like your gonna leave again. please don’t