P: Hyunjin x Female Reader
D: What does it mean to feel lonely? Is it like an illness you can suddenly cure? Will he have the so called cure? Or is it just a rash, festering in wilted decisions based on misguided love? Or are you both lonely, finding comfort in quiet moments and long looks that say more than any thesaurus… Do you love me?
Trumpets rumbled through the air, as the constant tapping of keys filled the quiet room. Objectively the room is warm but in between the lines, in the stares you both share, it’s like an active volcano, the cold air and heavy snow blocking you in, this feeling like obsidian. No were to go, no where to run, just a few bottles of wine and his eyes that bore into you.
“How long until it’s over?’ You ask, the question simple but loaded with feeling as you tried to look away from his eyes, glancing in between the words to take in his reaction or lack there off.
“As long as you avoid my question,” he said sighing as he reached for the half empty wine. You and Hyunjn had been doing this walk around for months. Meeting in the summer cooling each other off with ice teas, and light hearted dates. A cure to the wintering thoughts before you met him, before it became real.
You sighed, “Hyunjin, I-,” you began but nothing could follow. You didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to rewind the clock to those hot summer skies and cool nights. Not to the smalls pulls to each other, as the days grew colder. More real, more serious.
He sighed, rolling up his sleeves the heat becoming to much in the room. “All I did was tell you I love you, and that I wanted more than loose promises,” he said again now staring into the floor, his defeat seeping out in waves that sent shivers down your spine. Did you love him? Your mind leans to a yes, but the fear of the past, the reminders of your failures and the voice that whisper, its all to good to be true, left cobwebs in your throat. Not a word of comfort able to slip nor an explanation just another stillness in your insanity.
“Do you even like me?’ He asked after the hearing the drums thump around his mind and the room, afraid of your answer. You took a breath, which slightly eased the tension in his shoulders hearing any noise from you but he couldn’t fully relax, he wouldn’t.
“I like you,” you said quietly tears welling in your eyes.
“I really like you,” you said again whipping the strays of emotions that peaked. You shouldn’t be crying, you don’t get to cry, hurting him indirectly like this.
“But you don’t love me,” he whispered, you could no longer see the tall statues of a man. Nor the goofy smile when he looked at you, sicken with love. Just a small child afraid of the world, afraid of you. His own eyes, breaking in small waves of water.
“I-,” you couldn’t agree or deny, you breath catching in your voice. You felt blindsided even if you knew what you wanted. You felt the love that grew with him since the first time you met. You felt it in the way he held your hand, his thumb that caressed the back of your palm. When he would show up with a drink because you asked. Even the small hug he pull you in without saying a word, after seeing the unshared pain you hide. You thought that you had shared that love to him, in the ways you reach for him without thinking, in the ways you caressed his head bald or full of locks. Hopping to rub away any hidden pain. Or in the moments when you’d squeeze his hand quietly when you could feel the waves of his anxiety course through your spirit. He loves loudly, unashamed. You loved quietly, and afraid.
“I know you,” he said, “I know you love me, but,” another pause.
“Why can’t you just say it,” he asked quietly, the wine glass heavy in his hand, full of red liquid that he couldn’t find the strength to even drink.
A delicate piano filled the air, light in sound, chords in minor as the keys pushed out the room speaker. Fire kindling filling the silence as you tried to say why. Tried to voice the pounding thoughts that Hyunjin wanted to reach out to swipe away, his hand hesitant afraid to pull more, afraid you fall deeper in yourself.
The only noise you could pick up was the voice in your head, “I’m scared,” you whispered quietly. Swallowing the feeling of tears bursting, the hot swells of your eyes burning in the dry air.
“I’m scared,” you said again louder this time as if coming to terms with your own fears.
“Of loving me?” he asked, broken in sound as he finally looked at you again.
“No,” strong in meaning came soft from your voice your own smalll inner child breaking through your thick walls. Your body rattle with the cylinders of the drum set, “Of being alone,” you said meeting his eyes, but it was a mistake, the redness of his face consumed him. His hair ruffled from running his hand through it, so many times. The collar of his long sleeve top loosely hanging from his neck as he pulled at it.
“But I’m right here,” he said looking at you his face breaking into confusion as he scooted closer just a tiny bit next to you.
“I’m right here Y/N,” he said quietly wine glass abandoned as his hands hovered over you afraid that one touch would break you. Afraid of the fragile state he might have put you in.
“I know,” you said trying your best to sound convincing. “I know,” the tears now having freedom to spill from your eyes, hot and freeing releasing some of the foundation you built so thickly around you.
“I-,” you shook at the ease of emotions spilling out of you. “I-,” you tried again, but as Hyunjin tried to speak you held your hand pausing his plush overly red lips from talking. You needed to say this you need to find strength again.
“But what if,” you started again, angrily whipping the tears from your face in frustration from your lost of words.
“What if, we do this, I say those words, I let you in,” you said boring holes with your eyes into the hard wood floor. You swallowed the feeling again, “ I let you in, and it doesn’t work,” you said looking into his eyes. Trying to not focus on the riddle of emotions in his face as he watched you.
“And then I’m lonely again,” you said the word lonely breaking at the end of your tongue. You blinked rapidly, your eyes bouncing from the green couch to the blue painting to the dark night sky as the winter storm raged on, oblivious to the storm with in you.
“I can’t do that again,” you said your lips puckering curling into you, “I don’t have it in me to build myself up again and to then tumble like a jenga tower,” the metaphor causing you to huff out a small laugh. Yet the Lund of amusement did not match the tone of the room, died quickly as it came.
Silence filled the air again, Hyunjin processing your words, mulling at the sounds, taking them in slowly. His breath hitched, yours rumbled as tears fell down your face. You did it, you thought to yourself, you broke him. Your tears grew heavy.
“I can’t promise anything,” he said quietly scooting towards you his shoulder hovering near yours. The body heat giving small forms of comfort, that feel like torcher, a comfort you didn’t think you deserved in that moment. You bit your lip, preparing yourself from the quiet pain that had been brewing.
“I can’t promise anything,” he said again finding his words once more, the phrase cutting you like a knife.
“But,” he said in a whisper, “I can’t let you go,” he said louder, “I won’t,” your eyes finding his as he stared at you. The unspoken louder than the broken whisper that came from you both. It terrified you, not because of your fear of abandonment but because the love you felt for him, became to real.
“I can’t,” he said finally touching you, pushing the hair that hid your face away. Letting his hand graze your cheek as his thumb whipped the tears that spilled from your sockets.
“I love you Y/N L/N,” he said staring into your eyes, the water a constant stream from yours, lips quivering quietly. Your body limping into his touch relaxing into his will.
“I’d be ruin without you,” He said softly his other hand holding your other cheek. “I’d be lost,” he said his own tears spilling.
“I’m sorry I rushed you, but I don’t want you to pull away from me, I can’t loose you,” he said, his eyes switching from both of yours. As if searching for the love you carried for him.
“I love you, rather you decide to say it now or never, and that terrifies me more,” he spoke again, “You’ve become this beacon in my days. I don’t know, how a before you ever happened,” he said his head falling onto your shoulder as if the weight of his love was to much. Your arms stilled by your side. Your head leaning onto his, lost into his warmth, lost into his confession.
“Please just stay,” he said shaking as his emotions rattled him, “Please don’t leave me,” your tears spillling, you hands moving quicker than your thoughts as you cried into his neck. Pulling him close.
“Please,” he said brokenly. Hugging you tighter.
“Hyunjin,” you whispered calling him as if he was a thousand miles away, as if he wasn’t in you arms begging you to stay.
“Please,” he whispered. And you both sat there gripping each other as you cried, rocking into each other, comforting one another as you both tried to take comfort for yourselves. Tears staining each others shoulders.
“Hyunjin,” you whispered, the rocking had stopped, the grip you both held never faultering. The quiet sound of Cyrillic Aimee filled the air,
It’s all love she singed as you both held each other tighter.
“I love you,” you whispered holding him tighter as he cried again, not out of fear of you leaving but out of relief of you staying.
You cried holding him tighter, “I love you,” you said again between tears.
“Hyunjin, I love you,” you said again.
“I love you too,” he whispered.
AN/// I’ve been gone for too long it seems… too much to write, so many feelings, and pain its been buried in my bones. Crippling almost. And after a rough few nights, of feeling alone, came this. I don’t have much to say but I hope you don’t feel to lonely these days. Take care doves <3
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