An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Back from a long hiatus with something spooky for Halloween: a KiraSaya yuki-onna AU.
It’s my understanding that the KiraSaya tag has been riddled with…a lot of blood and guts lately. While this fic is spooky and does offer brief descriptions of dead bodies, there is no blood or gore in this story. I even go out of the way to drive that point home in the second or third paragraph.
That being said, this fic is meant to be unsettling and spooky for Halloween, but it’s not a slasher or bloodbath by any means. So if that’s something you’d like for your Halloween festivities, I hope you enjoy it. 🎃
It’s been a while. Have you changed your opinion on kirari, ririka? And how the onee-chan portrays president so wildly lol what can you say about sayaka’s situation and overall situation of kirasaya
Hey, sorry it took so long to answer this. It took me a while to organize my thoughts into something more eloquent than "I told you so."
But I basically nailed with with Kirari. However perverse her methods are, she is ultimately fighting against the entrenched power structures of the Bami clan in order to reclaim her freedom and to give that same freedom to her sister and the rest of her family. She cares about Ririka (and Sayaka!) and is pushing her to figure out who she is as her own person and not as Kirari's shadow, even if the separation in the end leaves Kirari feeling lonely.
Ririka I'm still not the biggest fan of, which isn't to say I dislike her, I'm just not compelled by the "cinnamon roll" angle they seem to be going with her and I especially think that her connection with Mary and how, whenever Mary is on the page she eats up all the oxygen in the series, has detracted from her character growth. The twin gamble was damn hear ruined by Mary's inclusion and as a result Ririka was not allowed her time to shine.
With the most recent chapters, it's become more apparent that Sayaka was the biggest wedge between Ririka and Kirari what has ultimately caused them to "separate" into individual people. Ririka was no longer able to accurately portray Kirari because Ririka was not able to tap into the same depth of feeling for Sayaka because she didn't share it with her sister.
Sayaka messed up majorly and I can't imagine her getting out unscathed from accidental exploding the house pet system. Girl already took several hundred bricks of cash to the face. In her single minded desire to protect the system Kirari created and prevent Yumeko from gambling with her, Sayaka inadvertently destroyed that system and forced Kirari's hand against Yumeko.
However, it's clearer now than it already was how much Kirari cares for Sayaka, and I suspect that their relationship will be what causes Kirari to lose against Yumeko. Yumeko's speech to Kirari was all about abandoning attachment, and I think Kirari will realize at some point that beating Yumeko will mean "surrendering" Sayaka, and Kirari won't be willing to do that. So Kirari will throw the gamble and claim a moral victory against Yumeko by losing on purpose and denying her a true gamble, witch will cause Yumeko to spiral.
So in short, with regards to Kirari and KiraSaya: I told you so.
Welcome back for another comparison of the original Japanese text against the official English translations! We’ll also be doing a bit of analysis too.
This month, Yumeko's opening speech was heavily sanitized in the English release, compared to the original Japanese. There are also some points of clarification for words used, tone, and things that just don't have a 1:1 in English.
This one will be a bit longer, so let’s get into it.
Right away, the title breaks convention a bit this month. Normally the title refers to one singular "woman" (or "girl," as Yen Press insists on translating 女 — literally "woman" — as for some reason). This month it's women, plural.
Specifically, it's "Kakegurui Women" / 賭け狂い女たち
Specifically, it's the proper kanji form of "kakegurui"/賭け狂い, as opposed to the title version (賭ケグルイ) we see regularly, which has kanji followed by a string of katakana, likely for emphasis.
In English, "kakegurui" has been translated as "compulsive gambler." This isn't necessarily wrong, but some nuance gets left out. Kakegurui / 賭け狂い literally translates to any of the following, based on context:
Betting madness/insanity
Betting deviant/irregularity
Betting fanatic/enthusiast
One could make the argument that Yumeko is overtaken with a gambling insanity (closer to a true compulsive gambler), whereas Kirari, while still technically a kakegurui as well, is more of a gambling enthusiast: she uses gambling as a means to achieve her goals. I say this because the main difference between Yumeko and Kirari appears to be restraint. Yumeko must gamble or she withers and/or goes stir crazy, but Kirari can refuse a gamble and, as far as we've seen, be no worse for wear.
All of this to say, I'm not sure I would've chosen "Compulsive Girls" as the title for this chapter. Had it been up to me, I likely would've left it as "Kakegurui Women," so that all the different meanings of the term "kakegurui" could remain for the reader to interpret its layered meaning.
Next up is just a point of clarification:
Kirari does indeed say "Sayaka, come here, please," with the implication being "Sayaka, you should move away from Yumeko." Kirari seems to know something terrible is coming, and Yumeko is the harbinger. We joke about Kirari bringing up Yumeko when Sayaka is expressing her adoration and loyalty for Kirari, and it's definitely funny in a terrible sort of way, but Kirari has been shown to be someone who keeps her eyes on her goals, even if she has to wait and be patient: she knows Yumeko is up to no good and she needs to keep tabs on her. It explains why she insisted on knowing Yumeko's vote count last chapter even with the election decided, and I bet she knew what was coming as soon as Runa told her Yumeko didn't have any left.
What really inspired me to do a write-up for this month's release is how heavily sanitized Yumeko's opening speech was. While it is technically not wrong, the original Japanese kanji provides layered meanings, especially when coupled with the visuals we get for this speech.
In the official English release, Yumeko says this:
Why do so many religions make self-control one of their core tenets? They prohibit the emotion of desire...They prohibit venting your desires...They tell you to live as if desire doesn't even exist. I could never understand that. I've never done it before. I never even thought about doing it. But now I understand. The more I restrain my desires, the greater the thrill is! That must be why god has ordered me to hold them back!
What Yumeko actually says in the original Japanese is:
何故数多の宗教がが禁欲を戒律とするのでしょうか？
欲を抱くことを禁じ。欲を発散することも禁じ。さも欲ななど存在しないかのように生きよと。理解できませんでした。やったこともない。やろうとも思わなかったから。でも今なら解ります。禁欲するほどに快感が増すから、神は禁欲を命ぜられたのですね！
Why do so many religions have abstinence/self-control as a commandment? It is forbidden to have desire. It is forbidden to give vent to/radiate our desire. They want us to live as if desire does not exist. I couldn't understand it. I've never done it. I had never even thought of doing it. But now I understand. God commanded me to be celibate/have self-control because the more I abstain, the more pleasure I feel, don't I!?
I'm only going to touch on this briefly because I know this can be a point of contention with some of the fans of the series (and honestly because this topic could be an entire thesis on its own), but Yumeko's compulsion for gambling has, from the beginning, been visually and verbally portrayed as being an intrinsic and irresistible urge, synonymous with hunger, or — in Yumeko's case — sexual desire. The kanji being used fluctuates based on context, or exists as a way to convey multiple things at once.
For example, the kanji that was translated into "self-control" (禁欲) means "abstinence; self-control; celibacy; abnegation; asceticism."
The kanji for "desire" (欲) also means "greed; craving; desire; appetite; hunger; avarice; wants," and is the first half of the kanji used for "lust."
The English release says the more she can hold back, the bigger the thrill is, which can be interpreted in a few ways. The Japanese more explicitly says that her abstinence results in more pleasure / 快感.
The overall takeaway is this: Yumeko suppressed her irresistible desire and craving to gamble with Kirari until she found a way to circumvent it; by directing that energy into the destruction of the house pet system and, as such, Kirari's aquarium.
Which leads to minor, yet still scuffed translation...
In the official English release, Yumeko says this:
President, you figured you could take me one after you took on everyone else. But Igarashi-san was with you as well.
What Yumeko actually says in the original Japanese is:
生徒会長貴女は他の方と戦った後で、私の相手をすれば良いと考えた。しかしそこには五十嵐さんがいた。
Student council president, after fighting the others, you thought that then you could deal with me. However, there was Igarashi-san.
The English release is confusing, insinuating that Sayaka was acting on Kirari's behalf somehow, when we know she acted of her own volition, even if it was ultimately intended to be for Kirari's benefit. The original Japanese is clearer: Yumeko was spiraling, until she noticed that Sayaka was out in the open, making moves that were all but certainly to benefit Kirari, and that Yumeko could use that to her advantage.
As for this next part, I just want to provide the original Japanese for comparison purposes. Again, the English here isn't necessarily wrong, but the Japanese paints a clearer picture, specifically in how Kirari asks what Yumeko got up to once she was rejected.
In the official English release, Yumeko and Kirari say this:
Yumeko: Then you misjudged Igarashi-san's love.
Kirari: Yes, I did. Hee hee! It all works out. ...So? Once you realized that you cannot take me on... What did you do then?
What Yumeko and Kirari actually said in the original Japanese is:
Yumeko: 見誤りましたね。五十嵐さんの愛を。
Kirari: そうね。フフ。だから良いのよ。。。。それで？私と戦えないと悟った貴女は、一体何をしたの？
Yumeko: You misjudged it, didn't you? Igarashi-san's love.
Kirari: Yeah, I did. [chuckle] But it's fine/good. ...So? When you realized you couldn't fight me, what on earth did you do?
The "what on earth/what the hell did you" phrasing speaks volumes: Kirari knows Yumeko has done something terrible, she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point.
Next up is after Sayaka has been mobbed by the house pets. I've seen some...uh, interesting, takes on Sayaka's state during this part. Everything ranging from trying to scrounge up a DSM diagnosis to trying to trying to fabricate any reason why her nose was bleeding other than "she got hit in the face with like a hundred bricks of cash thrown by pissed off students."
I mean this in the nicest way possible: just look at what happened on the pages.
Dozens if not hundreds of house pets just threw bricks of cash AT Sayaka, many of them with quite a bit of force – you can see several students winding their arms all the way back to pitch the cash at her like they're throwing a fastball. If you don't think that would cause some damage, imagine being pelted with hundreds of inch-thick, paperback novels from just a foot or two away. You could probably come away unscathed from a few with nothing more than a few paper cuts, sure, but dozens? Hundreds? Thrown with force and vengeance? Aims at your head? She's shown actively taking cash bricks to the face. She's bleeding because she got slammed with solid objects moving with speed and force, just that simple.
Anyway. Let's keep moving, we only have a few more points of clarification to go.
There's a bit of nuance that gets lost when Kirari tells Sayaka she doesn't need to worry.
In the official English release, Kirari says this:
Sayaka. It's nothing for you to fret over. I'm fine being the emperor with no clothes...as long as you're there with me.
What Kirari actually says in the original Japanese is:
清華気に病むことではないわ。私は裸の王様でもいいの。貴女が付いてきてくれるなら。
Sayaka. It's nothing to worry yourself sick about. I don't care if I'm the emperor with no clothes [literally: a naked king], as long as you're with me...
Kirari seems to know that Sayaka will go beyond her usual fretting and worrying over this. The kanji Kirari uses mentions "illness/sickness," so she knows that Sayaka is going to be so shaken by this it might make her ill. And she's unfortunately right, but it's beyond the degree she may have expected, judging by her shocked expression. Sayaka is bloodied, tear-stained, and in deep shock from the experience, explaining why she's drooling, staring off into space, and muttering an apology over and over. And when I say "shock" I don't mean the "oh she got super surprised," kind of shock, I mean the clinical term used for someone who just endured trauma and needs medical attention kind of "shock" that can happen to anyone who experiences a traumatic event. And make no mistake, this is very traumatic for Sayaka: she just inadvertently destroyed the very thing she moved heaven and earth to try and protect: Kirari's beloved aquarium. Kirari doesn't care, because her love is in Sayaka, but Sayaka doesn't seem to understand that just yet.
Also as a petty aside: Enormous Ls to any and everyone who has been saying Kirari doesn't care about Sayaka for years. It says a lot that one of the first things Kirari did when she was finally fully detached from Ririka is go to dote on Sayaka in front of everyone (credits go to RayDaug for that observation), let alone the fact that she's just freely admitted — again, in front of everyone! — that she doesn't care if she looks like a fool and is powerless, just so long as Sayaka is with her.
Which leads us into Yumeko's declaration. This is one of Yumeko's classic "Sa, kakegurui mashou!"/"Now, let's get our gambling freak on!" moments. However, in this instance, the official English translates it as "Now, let us give in to our compulsion!" instead of the usual "Now, let's get our gambling freak on!" it's been using for basically the rest of the series up until this point. For the same reason as the one I gave with the title of this chapter, I'm not sure I personally would've gone with that if for the simple reason that Kirari doesn't seem to have gambling as a true addiction or compulsion the way Yumeko does. If I personally had to choose a way to bring this over into English, I might err on the side of "Now, let's give in to our gambling madness!" instead.
And now for the final speech, which I'm including because some people were wondering about the phrasing used, and that's part of the reason why I do these – for comparison! The content is more or less fine, though "love confession," is never outright said, however "love letter" is.
In the official English release, the final speech goes like this:
This is nothing short of a confession of love for her. A love letter the general public could never understand. Only its recipient would comprehend it. That...or perhaps she's forced to now? But either way, just one thing is clear. She...or they...they just aren't normal. They're completely obsessed. They're just compulsive gamblers.
In the original Japanese, the final speech goes like this:
これは告白だ。公衆は誰一人として理解できないラブレター。解るのは相手だけ、それとも彼女が理解らせたのか！？いずれにせよ、ただひとつ明らかなこと。彼女はもしくは彼女らはまともじゃないギャンブル狂。賭ケグルイだ。
This is a confession. A love letter that none of the public could ever understand. Only the other person/recipient can understand it...Or did she make her understand it!? Either way, only one thing is clear. She, or they, are not sane – they're gamblers. They're kakegurui.
The implication of the English translation is that Kirari is the same as Yumeko – she's just a compulsive gambler with the same intrinsic, irresistible craving as Yumeko. Whereas with the original Japanese there's room for interpretation. So far in the series, Kirari has shown shades of that gambling madness, but it isn't quite the same. The text itself admits that perhaps Kirari didn't fully grasp the depths of Yumeko's madness until now, when Yumeko has taken advantage of Sayaka's recklessness and inability to see the forest for the trees as a way to get to Kirari. For me, personally, I see Kirari's surprise and weariness here as evidence that she isn't driven by the same compulsion that Yumeko is. They may both be kakegurui, but they aren't the same kind of kakegurui.
That's it for this chapter's Lost in Translation. Hope you enjoyed reading and comparing the texts, and — until next time — I'll keep chipping away at karis. :)
Also, I've seen some absolutely bizarre takes on why Kirari covered Sayaka like this... (Kirari being overly possessive, Kirari not knowing how to act like a normal human, Sayaka being sensitive to light in that state, etc.)
Y'all...the reason is super simple and also very sweet: She covered Sayaka's head to shield her face from being filmed on the broadcast. Everything since Kirari won the seat in the last half of ch. 94 has been streamed live to the entire academy. She's obscuring Sayaka's face to save her from everyone seeing her at one of her lowest moments, to save her the humiliation.
For those that followed me and aren’t from my AO3 for some reason?, I recently finished In Bloom. I’m not gonna take a whole bunch of people’s time.
I just wanted to say thanks. <3 To this fandom and the people that have come to enjoy it, hate it, whatever. Thanks to the friends I’ve made along the way. The opportunity to keep being better at what I do.
It’s not my last fic for the fandom, nor my last in this canon. I hope I can continue to entertain, no matter how large or small an audience.
hi! what do you think is the reason behind Kirari's blue lipstick?
Hi Anon!
Apologies for any text oddities. I'm on mobile right now. This is a fantastic question. CastleofLions could probably provide some historical and cultural context for the choice (god bless her canon checking soul).
I think it's certainly meant to be a statement though. It's a bold choice, perhaps as an armor of sorts. That's certainly how I've often written it, as well as some others in the fandom (RayDaug in particular makes note of it in Occam's Razor). It helps define her character, a persona of power and significance. Shes different and she wants you to know that.
Or it could be just her eyes are blue so it matches. Really depends on how deep you want to go with it.
Great news! I’ve been approved by MangaDex to upload Kakegurui Kari!
Kakegurui Kari is now available in a gloriously organized format on MangaDex! Chapters will be posted there from now on, and I’ll drop a link here as they’re uploaded so you all are aware when there’s something new.
In the meantime, here’s the page to get caught up or reread! Enjoy!
Idk why but I’ve been imagining kirari losing to ririka in their gamble and then kirari is smiling while removing ririka’s mask telling her congratulations, now you’re free of them bami chains lol only because of that scene with rei batsubami
Hey there anon!
I’m sorry this took some time to respond to. I hope to be more active on tumblr truthfully. This month has been particularly difficult due to some family events, and I hope everyone here and elsewhere is faring better.
As to the actual anon, I think a scene like that could be interesting. I have some... problems with the initial scene with Rei Batsubami, but I think a transition of sorts-- of Kirari freeing Ririka of her chains-- is an idea I wouldn’t mind entertaining at some point.
I’m curious to see how the twin gamble will go. I tend to be a bit behind on the manga (the pacing really hits me lmfao), but I plan on doing some catch-up once I’ve got this In Bloom chapter is out.
Regardless of the delay, I’m glad you stopped by and said hello. <3
I just discovered Contrapoints and more specifically her hour long video calling out the call-out she got and continues to get for association-by-association.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Summary:
The odd thing was that it didn’t start with some impressive event.
There were no teary breakdowns, no screams wounding the bewilderment of speechless silences. No one fainted and the infirmary didn’t work overtime, as far as the ex President of the Student Council was aware of.
It started, like one too many stories, with a cup of tea.
This was a gift for @akiwisfics! I hope you all enjoy it, but you know what else I’d really like? If you could send her various asks/comments on her fics reminding her to drink water.
Please, I love you, take care of yourself.
Thank you for reading! Comments, Kudos, Likes and Reblogs are always appreciated, and if you feel like supporting me, please check out my Kofi page at https://ko-fi.com/sintreaties 💙 Also commissions are still open! Two free slots!
Hi everybody! Kiwi here! I’m happy to announce that the Hundred Devouring Artists, Volume 2 has started today, October 24th! We already have our first two stories out on the AO3 tag (check the links below), and will have even more posted throughout the week. Our content creators have been working non-stop to bring some spooky-themed content for readers to enjoy.
In celebration of this time of year, the discord agreed on “In the Spirit of Halloween” as our theme!
We’ve also decided to open our discord up for invitations! Fill out a simple form here, and one of our moderators will reach out with an invitation link. As always, we’re especially looking out for fellow content creators, but also anyone that might be interested in getting started creating in the fandom.
If you have any questions, or want to pop in for a chat, feel free to hit us up at our askbox, messenging, or check out the twitter here!
Hope you enjoy the week’s worth of content, and as promised, here’s the first two stories to get you started. They’re provided by Lirya777 and Let’sGamble!
Treat by Lirya777
“Are you for real?!”
The First Annual Hyakkaou Student Council Costume Contest by LetsGamble
“President, I would sooner be damned to the lowest circle of hell than lose this costume contest.”
Kirari makes the Student Council compete in a Halloween Costume Contest. Some take it more seriously than others.
Hey, everyone, it’s RayDaug, the administrator of the KiraSaya discord server, and I would like to take a moment to update everyone on the state of the server.
This past weekend, we posted our first collection to AO3, the Hundred Devouring Artists, Vol. 1. We are extremely happy with how everything went, from the community vote on the prompt for the collection (which totaled nearly 100 votes!) to all the fantastic writing and fan art that was made. If you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, please do so, you’re in for a treat. There’s a lot of good stuff from authors such as xXSintreatiesXx, AbominableKiwi, milkdecay, VR_Silvers, and many more.
Since the collection has been posted, we’ve naturally gotten a handful of inquiries from individuals wishing to join the server. While we appreciate the interest and enthusiasm, I would like to publicly clarify some things as the administrator as things have changed after discussion with the moderation staff.
THE KIRASAYA DISCORD SERVER IS NO LONGER ACCEPTING REQUESTS TO JOIN
We made this decision for a few reasons. First and foremost, this was done out of respect for the safety of our current members and the safety of potential future members. In light of recent events involving BloodOrangeSangria and her use of social media to solicit minors, we feel like it is in the interest of all parties to strengthen the vetting process for new members. The server is already 18+, but I think it would behoove all of us in the community to be more judicious in who we allow into our circles.
Secondly, and less seriously, the focus of the server is shifting towards a tighter focus on active content creators in the KiraSaya community.
Our members have a voracious appetite for anything KiraSaya, and we are still reaching out to people to see if they are interested in joining us. But, again, we are not accepting requests to join at this time.
If you have any questions about the server, please send me a message and I’ll be happy to respond.
Summary: A snapshot of what freedom might look like for Kirari, and the next step of her relationship with Sayaka.
Notes: Response to the Hundred Devouring Artist’s Prompt, “Kirari’s first ‘I love you.’” You can find the rest of the collection here.
---
>> “What does it mean to be in love?”
“... With love being so closely connected to meaning and fulfillment, it's valuable for each of us to define love as an action or series of actions we can take to bring us closer to the people we value...”
A glance through the article doesn’t offer many tidbits. Warnings about not appreciating partners over time, fantasy bonds, things that she never considers. In any case, it’s been some time now, and just as quickly, she clicks the tab close. She needs something more… concrete.
>> “Scientific studies on love.”
“...During the first love-year, serotonin levels gradually return to normal, and the ‘stupid’ and ‘obsessive’ aspects of the condition moderate. That period is followed by increases in the hormone oxytocin, a neurotransmitter associated with a calmer, more mature form of love…”
The medical benefits might interest Sayaka if she brings it up; they sound like things the girl would use to justify using the word herself, but by now, she knows better: Sayaka gives in to the feeling, surrenders to its irrationality like the true beast that it is. Though it isn’t useful, perse, she does bookmark it for later. Sometimes, Sayaka gets bored with her schoolwork, and something tells her she may appreciate a small abstract like this for bedtime reading.
The girl never learns to relax.
>> “Quotes on love.”
“ At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.”
Plato is a questionable source of advice, maybe. The quotes are saccharine and only fill her mouth a sickenly sour taste. They’re better suited for agonizing romance novels and pop tunes that Yumemi still sings on the radio sometimes. Perhaps a straightforward approach is necessary.
>> “Wiki-How ‘How to Confess Your Love’”
“Take a step back. Be rational for a moment, and take stock of the situation. Consider your relationship to this person, and try to predict how they will receive your words.”
Oh.
Was she supposed to confess before the relationship started? She doesn’t think Sayaka would reject her if she admits to it; not when the other girl had confessed her love… a year ago now? A year and a half? It feels longer, but she tries to block out the shades of things she doesn’t want to think about; it’s easier that way, when now she has something normal that’s hers.
But how would Sayaka react to it? It’s a thought she’s never considered, so she keeps reading.
“Make sure that you mean it. If you have never been in love before, it may be hard to understand the implications of this phrase. There are many types of love…”
What does that mean?
“Sister?”
Kirari pokes her head away from her laptop, and notes the curious look in Ririka’s eyes. She knows she hadn’t started that long ago, but it feels so much later than it is. There’s some cacophony of traffic outside their apartment window, drunk office workers bickering about the latest gossip around the office, her stomach grumbles at the sweet aroma of curry simmering in the kitchen, and Kirari feels at home. Her legs are stretched out in front of her, toes wriggling freely as she balances the laptop on her knees. Her glasses feel a bit crooked, but they have to wait another week or so before she can fix them.
But it doesn’t matter, because tonight, she has a bigger project on her hands, and she can see the way Ririka is already worrying her hands into her white apron.
“What are you doing?” her sister asks and peers over curiously at the laptop screen. Her face blanches just a tad as she scans the article.
Kirari can’t help giggling at the response. “Sayaka is coming next week. I thought
I’d do something nice, but I’m… having a bit of trouble.”
“You two are dating... right…?”
She nods, and keeps scrolling through the page. More social plays. Indirect confessions, gauging the other person. However, it just seems like Kirari skipped a few steps. She never has to worry about Sayaka not being receptive, because she must be. Yet… she keeps pulling up to that second step. The types of love. She doesn’t have many examples. She loves Ririka, for instance. Familial love. But she doesn’t know if the word sits right on her tongue the way it does anyone else.
She doesn’t recall ever saying the word before. At least not like that. She doesn’t recall saying it to her mother, her grandmother, to cousins, to pets, to Sayaka. It isn’t something that…
Ririka is stepping away, but the impulse comes to mind. “Hey, Ririka?” Kirari calls after her, enough to give her older twin some pause.
“Yes?”
Should she look at her when she says it? Would it be more natural? Kirari doesn’t quite make it, instead focusing on the small counter behind her, filled with calendars, homework, bills, and dates. Things to remember for later. The words however, come out easily enough-- even as they feel a bit weird on her tongue.
“I love you,” she says.
Ririka looks slightly disturbed. That didn’t seem right either. Is it really that odd to hear her say it?
“I think you’re supposed to say it back,” Kirari suggests.
Her twin still hesitates, as if testing the word for herself-- seeing how it tasted, if it really fit how she feels. She’s learning how to wear her heart better on her sleeve, and Kirari enjoys seeing it. They are two people now, and though love fitted them before now, it molds itself more naturally in her vocabulary.
Yes. She loves Ririka. She is her twin, her lifeline since she was a child and even now, when sometimes it still feels like the world is ready to swallow her whole and drown her in its murky depths.
“I… I love you too?” Ririka squeaks, though it comes out mostly as a question. It works for now, and truthfully, Kirari finds a bit of comfort in the fact that it’s foreign for them both. They are two people now, but something about their commonalities warm and comfort Kirari all the same. She still plays games, has dumb jokes, and sighs and grumbles whenever Kirari doesn’t think. It’s now that it’s only two of them, they can just be that.
Kirari always loved Ririka, but now especially, it doesn’t hurt to call her sister.
--
She’s known for a while, of course, but perhaps Kirari didn’t have a word for it right away. Fascination was a safer word. It sparked academic interests-- thoughts and feelings more akin to objectivism than the more dangerous realms of subjectivity and the heart. When she puts it like that now though, it feels… sterile-- a dry taste on her tongue, better suited for Terano’s voice, her speeches. Or maybe her midterm paper.
It started and ended with the tower. It always did. She knew the name she wanted for them when she fell, but it was a taste that she was familiar with long before then, a certain sweetness that watered her mouth, like fresh fruit in blistering hot summers. Her eyes had darted and memorized the resume with a rejuvenation she had never known, never felt, and from it, the first loops of a love letter began to form in her mind.
But she hadn’t known how to write a love letter, nor the word for her fascination, so instead, she constructed a tower, and let it loom over the entire school-- a beacon of her obsession and tether to this new humanity that encroached on her heart.
(She still has the deed to that piece of land. She keeps it locked tight in a small safe underneath her bed, along with other traces of the old life she left behind. The only two things she ever needs constantly are the things she has already. Ririka. Sayaka.)
(Sometimes the other things still come back. Sometimes the nightmares don’t stop. But there’s either warm arms around her in the morning, or a welcoming, defrosting smile waiting for her in the kitchen-- Ririka’s breakfast. Soft. Perfect.)
She could’ve told Sayaka after the fall, when she looked so divine in the shimmering moonlight, eyes shining and glistening. In a way, Kirari did? But it wasn’t… it wasn’t the same, was it?
Sayaka never does well with metaphors. Despite the constant reminder of this, Kirari seems to constantly forget. It’s easier to slip into those ideas and actions that she knows well-- a double-speak that was necessary in the clan, at the school. If a truth isn’t at least a half-lie, then its free information-- and information never should be free.
Sayaka is an open book, but the language is one she doesn’t understand just yet. She’s learning though, slowly. She prefers her glasses in the morning, she prefers earthy teas, and she fidgets without anything to do. Waiting is an action to her, but to have nothing planned is permission for her to fiddle. Sometimes that’s organizing and cleaning the apartment (much to Ririka’s chagrin, when it takes weeks afterward to find everything), sometimes it’s studying the big law books-- a few extra copies making a neat stack on the coffee table. Kirari isn’t sure what to do with them now that her entrance exam is done, but Sayaka keeps insisting on keeping them in case she needs the books again.
She puts things to reuse and cherishes what luxuries she can afford. It’s a skill that Kirari is learning, slowly but surely. She recycles, she’s started cooking lessons with Ririka, and though she loathes to do it, she puts more focus on what they need versus the excess and statements that she enthralled herself with growing up.
But Kirari has grown to enjoy parts of it-- beautiful aspects that were easy to forget when she was richer and more pressured. Acts of love, self-sacrifice. Coupled with rarer appearances, even the smallest of actions seem to carry a heavier weight.
It started with a picnic. Early spring, with the white lilies in full bloom, petals fluttering in the warm breeze. Her nose itched from the pollen as she laid on a dark blanket and observed the open blue sky, cloudless and empty. The looming tower was the solitary object in her vision, the lone door they dove out of just the barest outline from so far below. On a whim, she outstretched her hands, framing the door between her fingers. What would it have looked like from down below? Two girls in the throes of their own madness, plummeting to their supposed deaths.
“Pres-- Kirari!”
Ah. She hadn’t been used to the name yet. Kirari smiled still, letting her hands drop lazily back on the blanket and patted the empty spot next to her. “The weather really is beautiful.”
“You… you just graduated. Shouldn’t you be--”
“Who’s going to kick me out?”
Sayaka relented and piece by piece, she laid down next to her, shoulders stiff and an uncertain fidget as she observed the clear sky above them. It may have been moments, maybe hours. Kirari counted the breaths shared between them, memorized the warmth that spread where their fingers and hips brushed, and allowed herself to consider what forever would look like just like this. The thought was dizzy, unclear, always is, but it was a thought that was hers . A thought that no one could ever, ever take again.
Not even the girl that held that dream in her hands without even knowing, even as Sayaka had continued to fidget next to her, thoughts elsewhere as they always were. Now? She’s better about it, but some days--
“Are you nervous?” Sayaka had asked, though better for herself than Kirari.
“No,” she spoke evenly, “I know you’ll find me when you need me.”
“And--”
Kirari found her hand, fingers twisting and tangling in the sheet below them and tangled them with her own hand instead. She squeezed firmly, once, and tried to take in the softness along her rough pads, knowing that it would be empty come tomorrow. “I always need you.”
--
And she always does.
So Kirari tries to include her in other ways. They text more frequently now, and sometimes when Sayaka visits, they spend half the time just working on homework and studying. She tells herself it’s normal and that’s okay too. The classes don’t challenge her as much as she would like though, and sometimes her mind drifts. Kirari thinks about fish, thinks about the smaller aquarium she has in the apartment, what her and Ririka will learn how to cook tonight. There’s supposed to be a raid, and she thinks Sayaka is free for once to lend a hand. Thank goodness, but Kirari is a shit healer.
Her mind finds the article when it does wander though, and still, she has to consider everything that’s come before and now. She missed the chance to confess when the election ended, she missed it on her graduation day, and distressingly enough, Kirari missed it when they had their first anniversary just a few months ago.
It was pleasant. She had saved her money through the last couple of weeks before it to take Sayaka to an expensive restaurant downtown-- seafood. Kirari had gifted her a pendant necklace-- a heirloom she had stolen from her clan back when she was leaving it. … Still in the midst of leaving it she supposes.
Though Kirari didn’t have the funds (Sayaka would be terribly upset if she spent the money on her instead of fixing the very minor crook in her glasses of all things), she has to wonder if there is something that could create a moment for them. Not so unlike the picnic between them, a gesture so simple but still stikes at where Kirari needs it.
… Sayaka did just finish her entrance exam. The results wouldn’t be posted yet, but perhaps--
“Igarashi-san?”
It takes her a second, but Kirari is learning to get used to that too. She stands obediently, and feels relieved at the lack of curious, bewildered stares. No one blinks at her name. No one recognizes her face. She is just a classmate, a figure in the crowd. But she wonders, if she had kept the Momobami moniker, would they?
“Could you read the next two paragraphs for us please?”
Kirari speaks loudly and clearly, even as her mind continues to wander. It’s a habit she can’t break from high school, unfortunately. She can’t help it, really. Whatever they read today will be a distant memory, foggy shapes once she’s turned to bed for the evening. Instead, she remembers the way she heard that name the first time.
Sayaka doesn’t know. If she was better about herself, she would admit she’s embarrassed. But she likes the way it sounds next to her name. Kirari Igarashi. It doesn’t remind her of peaches rotting in trees, of drowning. It’s a name that’s hers, and Sayaka’s too.
One day, she’d like it to be legally hers. For now, a few forged papers for her college admissions let her live the fantasy.
--
Kirari knows the man that moved next door to them. He’s smart enough to keep gloves on his hands, hiding the brand permanently etched on his skin, but he doesn’t know enough to keep the weighty recognition out of his eyes as they cross paths in the apartment hallways.
She doesn’t bring it up to Terano when she calls her later, even as she makes plans to meet her. They know Kirari still has a foot in the doorway, just in case the clan tries something again.
The next time she sees him, Kirari waves. He ignores it.
--
They always meet in public. Kirari isn’t sure that’s for her own sake, or more for the sake of Terano’s pride. It’s a routine at this point-- Kirari dangles a particularly juicy carrot, one Terano can’t ignore as she works to repair the damage, and Kirari asks for a favor fitting the price. A public space allows Kirari escape routes, and it allows Terano to have watchers-- in case something goes wrong. Kirari counts the heads that look just slightly out of place, the ones that take a second too long to look away when she sits down.
They never meet at the same restaurant, but Kirari learns that Terano has a habit. She likes coffee, the way the beans reek and leak out of the store out into the open patio. Terano always orders it black, and uses careful sips to disguise her nervous pauses. She’s changed little in the year, now with a weary weight to her eyes that Kirari is all too familiar with.
Kirari settles with a chai tea, because sometimes the thick aroma is enough to distract her from the two very ugly things around her: coffee and bad company.
Today is no different. They’re closer to Shibuya, a dizzying circle of subway stations and commuters that dizzy Kirari some ways and fascinates her in others. Now that her aquarium is more reasonable, she occupies her time observing people like the fish. The commuters and works walk their perfectly etched paths with few variations or changes. If she tries hard enough, she can recognize a few-- those that share the same path she does. If she tries hard enough, she could tell what days they stopped to grab coffee themselves, or which ones had some skeletons in the closet that they weren’t trained as a child to keep secret like Kirari did.
But Kirari is supposed to be normal now, so she doesn’t try that hard most of the time. Terano never thinks she’s trying enough.
She sits down on cold iron chairs, swallows the bile down at the thick smell of coffee beans, souring her mouth, and offers a placid smile to Terano. Something more familiar to both of them. “Good to see you, Terano,” Kirari lies.
“Stop calling me,” Terano snipes. Always straight to the point. “Every time you call me, I keep thinking I was better off just killing you.”
Kirari chuckles and marvels at how her cousin’s eyes trail the white envelope naturally as she pulls it out of her jacket pocket. It’s much plainer than the old calligraphy that was drilled into them both, and she prefers it. “You could never pull the trigger,” she teases in return, naturally. “Do you have it?”
Terano scowls, deeper than usual, but she still digs through her suitcase. What she pulls out is an envelope with sleek black, sealed with clan kanji that she hasn’t seen in months. Something inside her sinks, but Kirari knows that’s the purpose behind it. She wishes she could shake the feeling. Instead she lets herself tread along the surface. Breathing room.
“She passed. That really shouldn’t surprise you.” And yet, Kirari releases the breath she didn’t know she was holding. Even as Terano continues, uses slim fingers to slide the cruel reminder of things she doesn’t want anymore, Kirari feels relieved. “Top score. The pre-law department has been busy trying to make sure the offer’s good. They’re worried someone might leak the score to other schools.”
And Terano hesitates. “... The name she’s attached to--”
“It’s not real anymore.” She feels the smooth paper against her own rough palms, and feels how her appetite drains with each inch that she feels. It stings, it burns -- a heat Kirari so desperately tries to ignore as she stuffs the envelope in her pocket for safekeeping. Later, she will smooth out the creases and take in each letter of approval. University of Tokyo. With her. The warmth will be better then. Light.
Terano swallows. “... Igarashi?”
Her smile blooms at the word. Terano doesn’t say it with the gravity it deserves, but in a way, Kirari appreciates it. She wants her to be hesitant. Uncertain of something that never belonged to the clan. It is hers. It is her and Sayaka’s.
“It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”
Her eyes trace upward, to silver hair, no doubt too bright in the open sun. Kirari likes to think that Terano is trying to observe her for the first time. Not with the chains around her neck, of that nightmare of Momobami. She grew so tired of it choking her, and though there’s still bruises, some maybe too deep to heal, she’s free.
Only once, Terano swallows her pride. “The short hair suits you.”
--
“Are you sure about this?”
Sayaka threaded her fingers through as if handling something far more precious. Perhaps like sand through her own hourglass, dreading cutting those seconds and years away with a clean shear. Kirari’s eyes slid closed as Sayaka worshipped. Sometimes she misses those mornings where Sayaka would carefully braided silver tresses, looping them with finesse that Kirari could never perfect on her own.
“I need something new,” and she looked up, offering a smile only shared between them. “I know I can trust you to pick something that suits me.”
Sayaka hummed carefully, and through her reflection in the mirror, she could see how furrowed and frustrated she looked. Eyes dark and frown deep. She knew how deeply she was thinking, and the idea of what Sayaka would come up with thrilled her. With gentle hands, Sayaka brushed her hair back, letting it pool behind the chair.
The glean in her eyes was remarkable. “I won’t disappoint you, Kirari,” Sayaka said with stark conviction, leaving a kiss to the back of her head before she began her work.
It took some time and experimentation, but Kirari loves the freedom. They have time to decide what they want. What Kirari wants. The bob cut took some getting used to, but she loves the way it fans against her cheeks when she hunches over notebooks or her laptop. She loves the way that when her and Sayaka are sleeping, Sayaka’s still finds her hands tangled in her hair.
Kirari is in love. She’s always been in love.
--
There’s an extra pair of shoes. Mary’s here. The relationship between her and Ririka confuses her. Mary is all spitfire, physical brushes and jerks. She’s careless and unapologetic with her touches. Perhaps it appeals to Ririka in some sense, that someone would be so comfortable with themselves after spending so long hiding behind a mask like a tortoise shell.
Mary is stretched out on their couch, blonde hair drawn back in a loose ponytail, tied in silk black ribbon. The hum out of her pursed lips is almost contagious as she scrolls through her phone, completely at ease in a space she would have shied away from before. Kirari likes to think that it’s Ririka’s influence, and she’s grateful too, that they seem to be happy together. She just isn’t sure how it works.
Kirari has seen them together of course. Ririka shies away from more overt affection when Mary first arrives, but she gets used to the affection, she sees her grow more into herself. Back to the agonizing babysitter in many respects. She remembers how openly Mary gaped when Ririka admonished Kirari for the first time in her company, and Kirari thinks that was when she realized how serious they were.
But she doesn’t know how they don’t find that constant dance exhausting. And that’s not even including the love mess. Ririka is just as lost by the terminology. She hardly ever makes the first move.
“Where’s Ririka?” Kirari asks in way of greeting as she crosses the threshold into the living room. Their coffee table is starting to lean in the weight of the big law books. There’s a fern plant that needs watering, and the window is open to the busy streets below. She smells noodles at the shop down the street; salty. Maybe they have the extra cash to grab a bowl this evening.
Mary doesn’t look away from her phone, disinterested as ever. “Grocery shopping. She wanted me to wait for you.”
“That’s nice.”
She puts the phone to sleep and sits up, allowing Kirari the space to sit. As Kirari takes her seat, she realizes Mary is wearing perfume and tries to bite back her smile. “I’d like to ask you something,” Kirari says as she sits there, stiffly.
“I’m gonna regret saying yes, aren’t I?”
“Has Ririka said ‘I love you’ yet?”
The way Mary chokes immediately at the question is fascinating as she lurches back, covering her mouth with her hands. The red of her cheeks fits her blond better than Ririka’s silver, but no less amusing. “ What? ” Mary croaked out.
“Has she?”
“Th-This isn’t any of your business!”
“What would you consider romantic enough for such a confession?” She turned closer to her, legs crossed, and studies the way Mary squirms underneath the questioning. There’s something lovely how uncomfortable both her and Ririka could be. “I was considering a devotion day of sorts. People like Ririka and Sayaka need someone to remind them to relax, don’t you think? Breakfast in bed, a nice walk in the park perhaps, and … how do I bring it up?”
“ Shut up, Kirari!”
“Have you said it to Ririka yet? How did you--”
“SHUT UP,” and Mary latches onto her collar tight with clammy red hands, stretching the fabric and shaking her violently. Kirari’s head thumps with the way it rocks back and forth, but really, she thinks the headache is more internal. She wishes Mary could be more honest, but perhaps they’ll learn to do that in time.
--
Some days, it hurts.
It hurts worse than any word Kirari can describe.
But for the first time in her life, she feels like she doesn’t have to be alone to deal with it.
--
Sayaka gets in late, and as they take the dizzying concrete pathways back to Kirari’s apartment, her eyes are already drooping and Kirari spends more time holding her up than actually walking there. She’s learned how to relax a bit more now that they don’t use secretary or president . It’s just them. Sayaka and Kirari. It’s a thought that bubbles pleasantly. Like champagne simmering below. When Sayaka is here, Kirari never stops smiling.
She’s grown too. Sayaka has never stopped training, and she feels muscle as she holds her weight, the weight of a taser in her pocket. Some habits never die. The same time they settled on a good haircut, Sayaka started wearing her own in a high bun with long dark banks framing her beautiful, perfect face. The scratches never completely faded, and Kirari has to stop herself from counting the scratches as she guides them.
“Did you sleep at all?” Kirari teases gently.
Sayaka stifles a yawn, but she doesn’t pull away to save face. “I wanted to make sure everything went well.”
It doesn’t surprise her, but there’s nothing disappointing about it either. Kirari is learning the language, even as it evolves and starts using words that used to be just hers. Sayaka is a book-- her favorite book. She thinks of it like one bound by old parchment and illustrations painted with beauty and dedication. A marvel of detail that frames each chapter in ways that could never be replicated again.
They collapse in bed together as soon as they make it, and Kirari welcomes the extra weight. She welcomes the warmth molded against her. She welcomes the fingers tangled in her hair and the butterfly kisses against her cheeks and lips.
Sayaka shows her love most here, and it’s moments like this that Kirari cherishes most.
--
The date hits a snag immediately when Kirari wakes up to an empty space next to her and the digital clock reading 11:30. She smells Earl Grey and eggs from the cracked door, enticing her to crawl out of the residual warmth of her bed and further into the reaches of the apartment. If she closes her eyes and concentrate, she can hear a light hum, carefully content.
She wants to listen to the melody longer, but she knows Sayaka doesn’t like the breakfast to get cold. Kirari gets up in starts and pauses, fumbling for her slightly crooked glasses and old sweatshirt and pants. She keeps her feet bare because she likes the feel of her toes against ground that’s hers. She yawns and she looks less than perfect. And that’s okay.
Sayaka’s eyes find hers as Kirari wanders into the kitchen, and something catches her by the warm smile. It curves her eyes, black hair wild and fussed from the way Kirari clings to her in her sleep. She’s wearing a t-shirt and shorts, bare legs twitching off and on in a nervous fidget. She pours the tea with a practiced perfection, steam billowing and clouding both of their glasses in the tight space.
“Good morning,” Sayaka says and the smile stretches just a wider, and all too sudden--
“I love you,” Kirari blurts. It’s not perfect, not even close to perfect. They both look like a mess, Sayaka’s dark circles under her eyes after months and months of studying and preparing. Kirari’s hair is tangled and fussed, make-up smeared across her face. But it slips out like a waterfall, one that Kirari can never hope to stop.
She doesn’t realize the tea cup slips out of Sayaka’s fingers until it cracks on the floor, and like a startled rabbit, Sayaka jumps back-- eyes owlishly wide and flabbergasted. Kirari isn’t sure if this is the reaction wants.
“... What?”
Kirari hesitates. “Is… was that a bad time?”
Sayaka cries and Kirari is never, ever sure what to do when it happens. She isn’t sure Sayaka knows what to do when she does either, because rather than responding, she starts bending down to pick up the broken ceramic. By the third piece though, her hands start shaking as the phrase hits her, and almost as if on instinct, her hands start gravitating toward her eyes to cover her tears.
Kirari takes them instead. A quick snatch up and a squeeze tight. She wishes it was to comfort the poor woman, but she wouldn’t-- “Careful. Wouldn’t want you to blind yourself, my dear Sayaka.”
“I’m sorry, I just--”
“Is it weird?”
“No! Never. I…” And her eyes well up again. “... I love you too.”
She kisses once. Forehead. Then along the curvature of one brow. She lets the small touches calm Sayaka down. The ceramic can be picked up later. The tea can be remade, and while the eggs probably couldn’t be salvaged, there’s always another time. She’ll send a better note later, especially after Kirari wakes up one morning to her glasses perfect and the tea cup replaced, but for now, she chooses to cherish the warmth between them.
It’s only one of many first steps in their lives. Kirari doesn’t mind waiting a bit longer for more.
The Hundred Devouring Artists Prompt Challenge will soon be avaible on Ao3!
Hey guys! Sintreaties here with a special announcement!
As you know, a few weeks ago we asked you to choose a prompt for the members of the KiraSaya discord server.
Kirari’s first ‘I Love You’ was chosen as the winner!
Now, writers and artists alike have been working with this prompt and you’ll be able to find their works in a special collection on Ao3! You’ll get to read fics by writers such as @raydaug , @akiwisfics, @milkdecay and yours truly, along with fanarts from artists such as gata-mala.
We’ll start posting this Saturday (August 8th), so if you’re interested, please come check out our works! Your support is very appreciated!
