Hugot 42
Sana mabasa mo to. Ayokong magguilty ka sa mga pwedeng mangyari.
Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan, pero eto na. I lied about so many things. About my identity. About how I really felt for you before. I wasn't sure about what's gonna happen. But I think, this is the right time to tell you everything. I think of you as a best friend. Right at this moment, all I want to do is to get off this life full of lies. So many lies that I, myself couldn't believe the truth inside of me.
Let me start with, I really never had friends before or maybe they were my friends because of the stories I told them about me. That we were very rich. That my parents are well off. Anyway, this is just an introduction because now, I really can't remember the stories I had to tell them. I even steal money from my parents just to go with the flow with them. I treat them with my parent's money. Just trying to be cool. But in the end, they never stayed in my life.
In highschool, I lied about having a best friend who died because of a heart disease. But the thing is, I composed that story because that is what I was wishing for. I wished to have a friend who will understand what I was going through. I was sick when I was in elementary and no one understands the pain whenever I have episodes of asthma. So, in order for me to gain friends who I can share about my pain, I told them I had one but lost her. That way, they listened and cared for me because they thought that I lost a friend and I need one. I used my sickness to gain friends. But in the end, they never stayed in my life.
I had boyfriends before just to hide my feelings about girls around me. But in the end, those guys never stayed. They even cheated on me.
When I was in college, I was able to come out because of Jen who happens to be my first girlfriend. We had a big fight. In order for me to keep the relationship, I lied about having an abortion to justify the pain and the attitude I had towards her. I wanted her attention. I wanted to have a good story to keep her and she still accepted me. With that, I felt that she really loves me and accepted me that even if I have that kind of past, which is indeed, a lie, she chose to stay with me. I even asked my parents for money to impress her. It was supposed to be a test to know if she really loves me. I didn't know back then that she will make it up with me by working so hard to give anything I want because she believed that I have this pain/regret/guilt about the abortion. She even bought me a cellphone, the latest one back then. Whenever we have a fight, we hurt each other, physically. It's the only way for her to show me how much pain she has because she have this burden about her being responsible for me having an abortion.
We are still in a relationship and I met Lyka. To cut the story short, I had an affair with her. She knows about Jen. And whenever, we have a fight, I would always bring up about Jen. Jen knows about our affair too but she stayed and fought for her place. There was a time when I got sick and Jen told me to go to her place then I heard her talking to Lyka telling her to leave us alone. End our affair. She begged for her place but I already have feelings for Lyka. The only reason I had in mind is that, Lyka is always there. We are together everyday. We do not physically harm each other whenever we have fights. I chose Lyka. So immature and I know this will not be a valid reason for you. This was all wrong. I was 18yrs old back then and all I want is to have someone to be with me all the time. I did love Lyka back then.
I will cut again the very long story. Lyka graduated and I was alone again. She did everything to make sure I graduate the year after she graduated. Nagapply siya kung saan ako nagapply because I have to be a working student because my parents can no longer afford my college. Kasi nga inubos ko kabuhayan nila nung kami pa ni Jen. She stayed as long as she could but then we have to part ways right after she passed the LET. So, she stayed in Nueva Ecija to teach. I am still a student at the time. Working in a call center from 3am to 12nn and go to school after work. I was exhausted. She would do my lesson plans, my paper works. Kasi it's the only way na makakabawi siya for not being there for me. Alam niya na hindi ko maiintindihan ang konsepto ng LDR. She did what she can do but back then, it was never enough for me. So, we had fights. Napapraning ako. Feeling ko may iba siya. Feeling ko lolokohin niya ko. Until, I broke up with her. I felt guilty about being praning. I never heard of her after that.
Nakagraduate ako, nag apply sa private school. Then, I met Daly. Daly was a pain in the ass. She is with a long term relationship back then. 7yrs. But I tried my luck to tell her that I like her. She made me her kabit. Pag sem break, nasa Cagayan siya with her long time boyfriend, pag nandito naman siya sa bulacan for work, magkasama kami sa apartment. I did everything I can para piliin niya ko. Kahit sinasaktan niya ko, tiniis ko thinking na iiwan niya yung boyfriend niya for me. Don ako natutong magloan. Kasi nga live in kami. Halos ako lahat gumagastos kasi may pamilya siya sa Cagayan na umaasa sa kanya. Inisip ko non, may pension sila mama so hindi nila kailangan yung sahod ko. Dahil hindi nga sapat yung sahod sa private school at nalaman ng Principal yung about samin, I resigned at nagapply sa call center ulit. Habang tumatagal, lumalala yung pananakit niya sakin. Until magresign siya inilalaban ko pa rin yung relasyon namin. Isinangla ko pa yung lupa nila mama sa heritage para sa kanya dahil marami siyang iniwang utang na ipinangalan sakin. Then, we're over. With lots of utang. I lied about the utang to my parents. I told them it was mine. So, they just wanted to get the title back. Nangutang kami para makuha titulo at pinagtrabahuan ko yun para makabayad. Madalas, ipinangbabayad ko is utang din. Nagtuloy tuloy lang din ang cycle hanggang sa bumalik ako dulahay at naging friends ulit kami ni Cams. Di kasi siya nagparamdam na after nung accident niya.
2016, nakilala ko si Jaiza at main issue namin is financial instability ko. Nakatapos ako sa loan ko kaso nung naging friend ko na ulit si Cams, ayun. Nabaon na naman ako sa utang kasi I have to help her bilang kaibigan ko siya. Alam mo na yan.
Then, si single mom, pinerahan lang din ako habang lubog ako sa utang.
Then, si Cams ulit na inilubog na naman ako sa utang.
Yes, I lied about so many things. But iba pala pag sinampal ka ng katotohanan na buong pagkatao mo e kasinungalingan din. Akala ko make up stories na naman sa head ko. Pero hindi pala. I never lied to you about my family. I did lied to you before kasi friends ko sila. And bago ka dumating ganon na talaga ako. I wanted to help them not to brag about it. All this time, wala naman akong direksyon. Go with flow lang. Mangungutang, magtatrabaho, magbabayad. Pag di makabayad, uutang ulit para makabayad dun sa utang. Kahit mapahiya ako, masira ako sa ibang tao, basta okay ako sa paningin ng friends ko. I don't know. I am being an ungrateful person towards my parents but I don't mean it to be that way. I wanted to expand my crowd. I don't want to be alone. Yan lagi kong nasa isip. Matanda na parents ko, natatakot ako na pag nawala sila, maiwan ako mag isa. Kaya yung mga friends ko, sila ginawa kong extension ng maliit naming pamilya.
Then, nakilala kita. I knew that my world will turn upside down. May disclaimers ka eh. I SWEAR tinatanggap ko lahat yun. Humihina lang ako at nawawala sa landas kapag nag aaway tayo. Kung tatanungin mo naman ako bakit nga ba tayo nag aaway. Well, di ko inasahan na ang daming bawal. Ang dami kong ileletgo para lang magstay ka. Naoverwhelm ako. Natakot akong magkaron ng flaws. So I tend to lie about helping my friends. Telling you my whereabouts. Diyan lang naman nagsimula yun eh. Nung naghatid ako ng kasamahan ko, then domino na. Dugtong dugtong na. Lalong lumiit ang mundo ko. At pinili ko yun. Kasi di naman ako makakahanap ng ibang katulad mo.
Napapagod na rin akong paulit ulit iexplain. But ever since, takot akong mawala ka. Pero natatakot din akong mawala yung sarili ko. Hindi mo maiintindihan to kasi for sure, clouded ka na ng judgments about me. Minarkahan mo na ko simuly June 2021. So, if may gusto akong gawin, kaakibat na non ay isipin mong magsisinungaling ako.
Nagsisisi ako na inulit ko ulit yun nung nagpunta ako ng Naic. Sobrang devastated ako. Nagpunta ako ng Naic para sa breath of fresh air. Hindi para lumandi. Wala akong iba. Ikaw lang naman talaga kasi. Kahit naman nung nakipag usap ako sa iba, all I wanted is to have someone to rant to. Strangers na hindi magiging bias at wala sa circle nating parehas. Yung hindi ka ijujudge. At hindi ko marinig na, ayaw kong makilala friends mo kasi sirang sira na ko sa kanila. So, sa strangers ako nagrant. Yung kilala man ako, e dahil lang naging kachat ko.
Wala rin akong nakasex except you. Hindi ko gagawin yun. To justify the abortion, I have to tell you that I had one night stands before. It was a lie. But I only had one night stand nung nag away kami ni Daly, umuwi siya ng Cagayan at natanim sa utak ko na habang andun siya nagsesex sila ng boyfriend niya and nung nagbreak kami ni Jaiza kasi gusto kong mafeel kung ano bang nafeel niya nung kami pa and may iba siyang kasex. It was supposedly revenge but ayun, tinamaan ako ng sakit. 2017 yun. Tinapik ako ni Lord ng HPV. Thankfully, it was curable. After that, wala na. Si Mer naman nakasex ko yun kasi boyfriend ko siya at the time. Si Jason, BJ lang yun after ng break up namin ni Mer.
Nung dumating ka sa buhay ko, nahanap ko yung karma ko. Nahanap ko yung taong magpapabago ng takbo ng isip ko. Alam mo kung wala ka, di lang ito ang utang ko. You saved me from my so called friends na nagbabaon sakin sa utang. You saved me frome misery. Now, I am doing everything I can para matapos lahat ng epekto ng mga maling desisyon ko sa buhay. Pero eto ka, di ka naniniwalang makakaya ko lagpasab to lahat. Hindi pa kita binigyan ng kahihiyan. I know na hindi mo papakinggan yung dahilan kung bakit ko naisip mangutang sa kapitbahay niyo kasi wala ka namang paniniwalaan pa. And I don't want to burden you anymore. My existence will only cause everyone pain. Now, I honestlu can't think straight. I am questioning my existence. I always fall apart every time I pick myself up. And now, I am about to lose the one thing that keeps me whole. It's you. I never intend to cause you pain. And I hope, this will be the last time. Whatever happens, remember that I love you and I will always be thankful for making me extend my life every fucking day that I feel not worthy. I am about to lose my worth. This will be convenient to you and to anyone else. Don't dwell too on what's gonna happe. I will still wait for your phone call but I hope that when you call me, you will not be late.
I love you.
