[akonaman]

Nanginginig ako sa galit dahil pagod na nga ko sa work maglilinis pa ko ng kadugyutan ng iba. putangina.

[akonaman]

Shopping spree dahil pasukan na next next week. Nakapag bayad na rin ng tuition, books and uniform. Tho two hours lang naman pasok nya sheteng malagkit need ko gumising ng 6am para mag asikaso. Sabi ko kay mama pano nya nagawa yun her whole life eh pito kaming magkakapatid. Tapos ako eto isa lang naman pero parang ikamamatay ko na naman yung pagod dahil 9pm yung out ko.

Anyways tuwang tuwa sya sa huntrx bag niya and sa sobrang saya niya talon lang siya ng talon while walking. I also bought some cute dress kase ang liliit na ng dress niya sa kanya. Sobrang bilis lang lumaki huhu. It healed some parts of me kase lahat ng gamit niya bago. Nung bata kase ako kung ano lang pinaglumaan ni ate.

I’m so thankful that i get to buy things for her without thinking too much about the price. Another win for me i guess 💓

[akonaman]

I’m supposed to be crying right now but i’m fucking numb. Too much uncertainty but what else can we do about it? Nothing. This mindset is killing me and i’m supposed to be an empath but how? Anyways life is a survival so i better show up, or just stop. Thanking my foodlala today for cheering me up 🥂.

[akonaman]

🎶🎧🎶

[akonaman]

KADIRI DDS PA RIN.

[akonaman]

"She's the sunshine, I'm the midnight rain."

[akonaman]

Puro galit at inis lang naramdaman ko sa movie na to. Ang fucked up ng character ni Eric. That’s just one night? Anong dahilan yan. Full of insecurities. Tapos binuntis pa si Ellie after mag cheat. Parang buhay ko lang eh HAHHAHAH. Pero di tayo iiyak dahil i felt numb today because of the dosage. I just love Ellie for standing up for herself.

[akonaman]

How many times do we have to rebrand ourselves just to fit the criteria of being “loved” ?

[akonaman]

Transcript of today.

Naalala ko tuloy nung uso si lang leav. Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako pag pinapahiram ako ng college friend ko. Then yung book ni Andy Andrews na “the traveler’s gift”na unfortunately kinuha ng tita ko after ko hiramin. Tapos pasahan ng downloaded version ng The Notebook etc. Pero ang una ko talagang iniyakan na libro is “The Diary of a Young Girl” by Anne Frank. Siya talaga ang reason why i appreciate all the little things in life. I lurv her sooo much.

I wanna be sooo rich so i never have to put a book back.

[omniivert]

[mavionline]

[akonaman]

It’s the little things that matter.

I kept on looking at her the past days. Hoping that she grow up happy and full of love and confidence that even if ppl don’t like her, she’ll be okay. Hoping that someday she’ll remember that sunsets, early morning breakfast and ice cream dates could make our day. I want her to remember, to appreciate all the lil things my hands can offer. And always trust the hands who kept on holding her, while afraid, happy or sad. She’ll always be the little girl giggling while teasing me, the jolly baby who needs a little scratch at the back so she could sleep soundly.

And while i’m fighting to live and to remember, i know deep down, that the ppl around her loves her dearly, not as much as i love her but enough to make her feel she won’t be alone.

[scorpionlafemme]

[akonaman]

To the ghost of twenty something.

[akonaman]

I finally took my meds yesterday. Medyo groggy pa yesterday pero today bearable na siya and i would say na i’m in a stable state or placebo effect lang ba siya? Like gagi ganito pala ang feeling ng normal na tao? I could suddenly hear the birds chirping, the fresh air in the morning, i’m not an angry mom anymore and di na medyo iritable sa work. Parang for the first time in my life, i was given a chance to start all over.

Sabi ko sa therapist ko while i felt normal bec of the meds, parang i have this regret na sana pala noon ko pa tinry magpa consult, maybe my way of life was better. But she comforted me na okay lang yun dahil atleast ngayon, i am in a better place now with the meds. I dunno the side effects pero shet ang saya(but not in an extreme way).

Maybe pinaranas muna talaga sakin yung chaos for 29 years to be more empathetic and kind. But in those 29 yrs, i’ve learned a lot. And this time, with this state of mind i do think i can now start new routines and hindi na ko mahihirapan to cope.

Seek help. It’s worth it.

[free-my-mindd]

[akonaman]

After shift last monday nag swimming kami dahil sobrang init. Nag mukhang nag team building tuloy. Then tried the hotspring and sobrang oa pala ng init nun kahit gabi na. But it was relaxing. Nag enjoy naman si Ally sa kakatalon sa pool.

I bought sinantol then ang dali niya lang pala lutuin pero dapat pala piniga ko muna before cooking. Maasim siya nung una then nung natagalan nawala din naman yung asim niya and mas nag okay na yung lasa haha. Bonak kase hindi man lang nanood ng tutorial.

Colored my hair light ligh brown pero nag light yellow siya. Mukha kong sisiw sa pyesta after haha. Pero nung naligo na ko nag ashy ashy brown naman siya. Parang ewan HAHA. Pero baka baguhin ko na naman siya after two months.

Second round ng pag encourage sakin to get promoted, then when i asked on the contract and compensation with job description wala naman ma present. Next week daw. Pero this time baka i take ko na din dahil technically ginagawa ko na rin naman yung role. Compensation na lang kulang. Lugi naman ako if hindi ko siya itetake. Bahala na si batman.

I haven’t started medication yet dahil i’m still doing a research of the side effects and sobrang natatakot ako. Soooo it’s either i live through the waves or try it with side effects.

I am sooo excited sa 6 days leave ko. Kahit matutulog, magpapahinga, mag cacafe hunting at luto lang naman ako. I hope maging way din siya to boost my motivation and drive mabuhay.