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@aladdincausehewasfkingawesome
shane featured in a NHL official account video being asked âwhatâs your favorite workout off season?â and shane answering âi love cardio with ilyaâ and people on the internet immediately taking it to the dirty side thinking theyâre fucking nasty off season and shane genuinely thinking about all the running and hikes he goes with his husband and anya
goodmorning this is your assigned shane of the day
& heâs exactly where he wants to be
shane goes to the grocery shop early in the morning to buy some ingredients for ilya because now they live together, from time to time when they have time, ilya likes to cook dinner for them. the grocery is oddly busy, so shane goes to the line to pay and thereâs an old lady in front of him with a cart thatâs completely full while his basket barely has anything, so he asks the lady if he can go first like âmy husband is gonna wake up any minute now and heâll notice iâm not home and heâs really clingy and will be very upsetâ and the lady goes âohââ but she gets cut off by shaneâs phone ringing and he pulls it out from his pocket and sees the caller and is ilya and he sighs loudly, presses accept and the second he brings the phone to his ear he hears a loud whine and ilya goes âSWEETHEART WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUU? YOU LEFT MEâ followed by exaggerated crying noises and shane just looks at the lady and she looks back at him with a very understandable expression and wordlessly moves a little to the side to let him pass in front of her
shane coming up with a question âdo you think we would be together in high school?â and ilya looked at shaneâs direction and replied âwe kinda didâ and shaneâs like âoh my god we are high school sweetheartsâ and ilya looked right into shaneâs eyes and asked âwhat the fuck is high school sweethearts?â
an idea for an au where shane is a virgin at 30 years old and chronically single and he asks his friend rose to help him find someone to lose his virginity to so rose asks her other friend svetlana and she actually has the perfect guy for this. shane goes to the guyâs house âitâs perfectly fine shane, nothing bad will happen to you. i trust svetlanaâ rose eases him cus shane is very anxious. and he checks roseâs messages again to make sure he has the right apartment number, takes the elevator straight to 801, knocks on the door and it swings open and shane is face to face with the hottest guy heâs ever seen, who introduces himself as ilya and shane notices an accent but doesnât comment. everything goes so smoothly, shane enjoys every single thing they do and finds everything incredibly hot, heâs genuinely having the time of his life and asking himself âwhy did i take so long to do this?â. after everything theyâre lying in bed panting and shane gets up, turns to ilya and says âthank you so much for everything, you were perfectâ doesnât even wait for a response goes straight to the bathroom to shower, puts his clothes back on, grabs his keys, and thanks ilya one more time before leaving a completely dumbfounded ilya still lying in bed. and of course ilya is just obsessed with shane, he bugs svetlana and rose so much to give him shaneâs number because he canât let go of a perfect man like this â even if heâs really odd, but itâs charming â and their chemistry was insane and the guy was a virgin? looking like that? ilya canât just let that go, the guy has to be his. poor shane is totally oblivious about everything, heâs just happy to finally not be a virgin anymore he has no idea heâs being hunted. later ilya finds out they work at the same company and he cannot believe his luck, he canât believe shane was right under his nose this whole time and he didnât notice, but now that he knows shane canât escape.
another incredibly tragic thing shane just drops casually happens when he and ilya do a house tour for gq or some shit. the interviewer asks something like âwhats the biggest change in your living space since coming out and moving in togetherâ and shane goes âhonestly just being able to comfortably live with each other. for a long time we were erasing every tiny detail of ourselves so we wouldnt be caught. but now we can have our wedding pictures on the mantel :)â and everyone dies
one of the videos on the ottawa centaurs account with the most views is the one where a handful of the guys are playing football and kicking the ball to each other. one of them kicks it too hard and has to go after it and he runs out of frame, but the video keeps rolling and catches ilya pulling shane in by his waist and kissing him while shane giggles. when the player comes back, ilya backs away from shane and they both just resume playing like itâs the most natural thing in the world. and the fans in the comments absolutely lost their minds going âoh yeah the PR relationship looking a little too realâ âtheyâre in love your honorâ âomg look at shane smilingâ âthey love each other so much is disgusting (affectionately)â âcan we talk about how lapointe is so bad at kicking ball? thank goodness heâs a hockey playerâ âplease some of us are singleâ âi bet ilya sent the ball away with his mind just to have a break to kiss shaneâ and ilya had liked that last one.
I collaborated with the Human Artistry Project to make this strip alongside other web cartoonists to make the point that âStealing isnât Innovationâ when it comes to A.I. usage. It seems to be doing numbers on instagram and elsewhere, so you may also read it here, tumblr.
May the discourse that ensues be long and unhelpful.
i do have to say that no matter how shitty any sort of media is or how shitty your own creations are. always remember
scientific fact
rookie and his captain
shane looooovesss shaping ilyaâs curls into hearts. the problem is they are curls, so a tiny action could send all his work to waste at once, so both shane and ilya has to be very very still for this whole ordeal. usually shane would find curls that already sort of faces each other and guide them to the desired position, but sometimes the curls beat him and he has to find another one. my point is, one time shane makes a whole head of heart curls (this is an exaggeration, he probably made 5 sporadically) on ilya and he snaps a photo of it. it has ilyaâs lovesick eyes looking at him too and so it becomes shaneâs homescreen wallpaper (his lockscreen is them hoisting the cup together, thank you very much).
they have a fun interview with harris one day and harris asks to see their lock and home screen photos. it goes semi viral on hockey twt and one of the most popular rt was ârozâs ass down horrendously bad for his husband his hair is proclaiming love lmfaoâ. that was retweeted by bood, accidentally, after laughing and showing it to cassie.
bby shane who joined his dad at his job for a day as little kids do
shane who sat under his dads desk and helped him out with âimportant documentsâ. his dad âneeded all these papers folded in perfect halvesâ, and five year old shane was not gonna disappoint him. he was gonna win at folding papers in half.
(in reality these were just last years invoices that ought to be shredded but shane neednât know that)
by lunch time he had folded nearly 100 important documents in half and susan the receptionist told him heâs the best paper folder sheâs ever met! dad ruffled his hair with pride.
shanebug is buzzing. he cannot wait to tell mom when he gets home :)
Everyone sees a post-retirement Shane meltdown coming a mile away unless they find something to fill the hockey shaped hole in his brain, and someone casually throws out Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Shane figures well why not, canât hurt to go to one class and see how it feels
He goes in and immediately, day one, gets his ass absolutely handed to him. Slammed to the ground, choked out, beat to shit, no rest no mercy the entire time and he LOVES it. Getting pushed and tested, needing to figure out strategy, fully working his muscles and getting thrown around. He comes home bruised and sore and canât wait to go back
Ilya isnât super sure at first about his husband getting recreationally beat up, especially after going to a practice early on and getting nauseous from watching people choking Shane and purposely putting him in so much pain heâs forced to tap out. The spouse of another person at the gym says to wait a few months before trying to watch again
But after a while he starts regularly hearing Shane laughing and Anya happy barking from other parts of the house, and walking in to find the two playfully wrestling around. Or when they watch the Pike kids they all want turns to get flipped around and wrestled by uncle Shane
And then of course one day Shane texts Ilya saying he wants Ilya to help him learn a triangle submission, and he adds a winky face and Ilya is just ??? Ok? I guess? But then he looks one up and well. That sure. Uh. That sure would be his husbands big strong sweaty thighs locked around his head and you know maybe he shouldnât be too hasty to judge this hobby
Very soon Ilya is looking up moves for them to âpracticeâ and he starts to see the appeal of his big strong husband being able to manhandle him and also anyone else. When he finally goes to watch another practice he sees Shane taking down guys six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier with ease and no actually so sorry they canât go out to eat with everyone afterwards he needs to get his hot sweaty husband home immediately
The hockey world struggles to hide how pissed they are the first time Shane wins a tournament because of course he canât retire normally and had to go and become the best at something else, specifically something that means he could beat the shit out of any of them if he wanted
Troy: âSo youâre really ok with Shane practicing martial arts on you??â
Shanes recent search history:
Ilya: âWhat can I say, I am a very selfless husband.â
I love you guys but I think a lot of you are the kind of people who are susceptible to falling in with a cult.
Youâre right. We should all band together under a trustworthy and influential leader who can keep us safe from outside threats
I adore that in the hospital Shane's heart rate goes down instead of up when he sees Ilya. I know a racing heart is common around someone you're attracted to but the lower bpm reads as him feeling so comfortable and safe that even his perpetually active sympathetic nervous system calms tf down. And this is when he's actively concussed with a broken bone btw!!! Holding Ilya's hand physically reduces Shane's stress so much his heart rate drops 20bpm and his oxygen saturation goes to 100%. That's insane. Forget whatever medications they had him on Ilya is his drug of choice for sure
