Navigating grief from a loss of someone I do not know personally was something I never thought I would be going through. It sounds silly having your heart shattered over someone who doesn’t even know your name. It’s crazy to think how I’ve been crying over someone who doesn’t even know I exist. But here I am, carrying a heavy heart, experiencing this weird feeling of pain that I’ve never felt before.
Exactly a week ago, I was crying alone in my bed, disappointed and angry. I was heart broken when I realized that he wasn’t the person I pictured him to be. I felt like he wasn’t the same artist that I supported years ago. With all that’s been said and reported, I knew where to stand and my heart goes to his victims and I wish them peace and healing. I’ve always been an OT5 stan, always promised to support all of them as much as a I can. But that same day I realized I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore, and that broke my heart. I knew I’d stand with the victims asking for justice, but I also wished Liam would get the help that he needed and the right people to support him in whatever made him genuinely happy. But sadly, that wasn’t what the universe had planned in this lifetime.
I literally woke up to the news yesterday. I was just in shock for thirty minutes straight. Lying down on my bed thinking about how just last week I told my best friend how much I fear the day this would come. Feeling guilty that a day before I was telling my roommate how I hated his actions lately. I was in shock and confused. I knew I needed to call my cousin because she’s the only person who will FULLY understand. That quick call made me cry realizing how much this *technically* “stranger” still meant so much to me.
I’ve seen a lot of directioners my age saying that they’re healing the teenage girl who loved and adored this guy. And yes, I do relate to that too. The 16-17-18-year-old Alanys is beyond devastated. I know that she’s the one who’s crying her heart out. But I know that the 27-year-old Alanys is grieving as well. I still dreamed and prayed for a reunion that included those five boys I fell in love with the summer of 2013. I had the tiniest bit of hope that was sure that if that’s going to happen, I would do anything to be there, singing and dancing just like how I was the first time I saw them.
Most of you wouldn’t understand how I feel. It’s okay. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I feel this way over them. But it’s here, and that’s how it is. They made up half of my teenage years. They’ve comforted me during the lowest and scariest days of my life. And for that, I will always be grateful that I had them. That they shared their life and art with us, strangers.
Liam, I still couldn’t believe this is how it ended. I was hoping that the universe would give you another chance. All I hope and pray for now is that you’re finally at peace. To my boys, I’ve always believed in the love and respect that you had for each other. That’s what inspired me, that’s what made me love and support all of you since the beginning. This may be the end of One Direction, but you guys will always and forever have a place in my heart. Thank you for everything.
This event made me hope that the world was a little bit kinder. I hope we were all a little bit kinder to each other. I hope and pray that this would always remind me to be more compassionate, and that compassion is beyond understanding.