THINGS I TELL MY CELLMATE

Life adventures I share with my roommate that blow her mind each day! everything is 100% true but not everything is rated PG so PLEASE if it isn't for you don't look!

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SIS.TWINS IRISS AND ABISS

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Let me tell you about the time my roommate was ‘too white for spice’

Alright ya’ll let me set the scene we were shopping around this wildly crowded place and decided let’s just call it a day since the sun was going down and we had hella bags in hand. I was like let’s stop at Popeye's I’m mad hungry and chicken sounds like the best and only option I’m putting on the table. So me and sis walk in and are fake fighting about how we can’t be married and trying to pick what we want, this bitch mid order tells this guy who was taking our order (His name was Daniel) ‘oh no not spicy I’m too white for spicy!’ I stared at her and said ‘Stop talking this minute ! shut your filthy whore mouth! how dare you!’. I was trying my very best to be serious but the look on his face was priceless that was already almost in tears. He really tried to avoid it and keep moving but I was like ‘Girl what you mean? like even pepper too much?’ she like ‘I’m one of those ketchup is a spice kind of girl’. When I tell you I was stuck between slapping that little heffa and just walking out her life forever....it was a very long pause before we both just walked out. I love my little Cap but WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!! I’ve never noticed that she did dodge spicy foods until that very damn moment .... my soul children....my little white/spanish baby can not eat spices like Mayonnaise might be to much for her. I’m just gunna leave things like this because I still walk around telling people about this and they just can not deal with her at all any longer!

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Let me tell you about the time I told my roommate my bf face is my throne!!!

So children if your kinda young I need you to aaah beat it ! Moving right along, my boyfriend and I are extremely open to trying new things together. We’ve both been with different partners but honestly the sex was never as good as what I’m getting now and let me tell you kid be having my legs shaking sometimes just from daydreaming. I usually stay over my boyfriends house pretty often I’d say about 4 days out of the week I’m there and each day I’m blessed to be getting dicked down morning and night (insert tongue pop here extra loud for the people in the back too) My bae likes to go down on me and I am beyond happy that he’s so into it because he eat it like a muthafuckin pro like fam sometimes I be wanting to fight the exes cause they might of got to experience this ! So back on track we go, me and my cappy bunky we don’t keep secrets we spill the hot tea when we’re together and baby you gotta crack a window cause it be so juicy and HOTT! One night I come how blissed out of my mind I’m almost 100% sure I still had a slight mess going on in my pants and I jump on the bed look at her hold her hand and say ‘Where has he been hiding these skills?! Best head I’ve ever gotten and that includes from males and females’ of course she starts laughing because it was so random to say but I’m like 'sis no forreal I be riding that face like it’s my throne and it’s fucking phenomenal’. Kids look if one flick of a tongue can have your body shaking from what’s coming you found the one just slap a ring on em really. Ugh I just left his house too and I’m already about to be like let’s meet up right now I miss you and just get my mind blown one more good time for the night haha. Let me just…okay bye!

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Let me tell you about the time my roommate finally ‘dip the wick’ after millions of years!

So first off cap is aaah how do you say? A complete psychopath mm yes seems right. What can I say I like always being paranoid when I sleep at night anyway so this was about 3 years ago around when we first met and we were getting to know each other more (I could be lying my memory is dodgy af). She was getting insanely upset with everyone no matter what they did I mean you could just cough and she’d be ready to scratch your damn eyes out like you stole her snack or something. I was personally about to start avoiding her because she was turning into one of those scary loompa things from the candy factory and I was not trying to get eaten or like drowned in old litter so yeah staying in my own lane. Long and behold the hooker comes back bouncing off the walls just oozing with happiness coming out her pores and of course I come over like “you got some?” She turned so red and said “not that it’s any of your business but yes” and of course my happy ass self was like SSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!! You finally got your dick wet? I was crying inside because ol girl just needed some good ol dick to relax her nerves and was finally the sweet little sunshine she always is. Lets have a moment fam my roommate will always come up in these stories tryna get some because she will not take my advice and get her a room at the super 8 like a real heffa. Anyway Next time we’ll talk about how dick wet came up in conversation and where it actually came from with in my life as well as my roommate is a FREEEEEEAAAAAKKKKKK on the low low. BYE!

[alaskanbunky-blog]

Let me tell you about the time I told my roommate about my crazy murderer ex!

I happen to know this cute little duo named Dean and Christian, they’re a super cute couple that makes me insane but I love it. Christian is our best friend and we share everything I mean right down to the details where you can describe if there was dirt under your nails while you was getting some in the bathroom. Anyway one night me cap and christian went out for a little dinner plan just to talk, of course they can’t wait for me to open my mouth and tell them something they have never hear before. We started talking about ex’s and how insane some can be, see me I like being that ex that you wish you didn’t do wrong but others wanna show up at your dinner table like they own you or something…mad annoying. So lets get right to it shall we? When I was 16 I started dating this very strange guy. My self esteem wasn’t as boosted as it is now so I was running into the arms of any guy that batted his lashes at me really, long story short it was an okay relationship expect he would call me randomly and tell me weird shit like there’s a shark in his water bottle and how can he hear himself (he did drugs pretty heavy). I had to draw the line after he invited me over and was excited to show me his coffin shaped bed, yeah aaah I was like lets go outside and talk for a moment. We head out and I tell him I’m sorry I can’t do it anymore it’s not him it’s me and I’m sorry I couldn’t be good enough (sb: before we walked out I texted a friend to meet me at the corner), he stared me right in my eyes and said ‘do you know pigs will eat anything?’ yeah he had alittle farm ting going on in the back but I was like ummm yeah cool so I’m sorry but I gotta roll out it was great knowing you and all (no it wasn’t I was a dick for even being okay with dating this crazy) my friend rolled up I hopped in the car and never looked back. Till this day I tell the story about how I dodge a bullet with that insane asylum! Plus his mom while we were dating would tell me how beautiful I was and was extremely touchy I think she was trying to sex me up honestly…right? Don’t you think so? Just me? Maybe she was just nice….k bye.

[alaskanbunky-blog]

Let me tell you about the time I told my roommate my bf’s mouth is like Antarctica!!!

One night we decided to go out with some friends and get our turn up on, dressed cute, went to some high in fancy place where you have to call a head of time just to get a drink and all that jazz. So I’ve all together had maybe 3 drinks and 2 shots before we decided to call it a night and head home. Boy was my head in the clouds all I can remember is getting pizza and possibly laying in bed ? Aaah unsure really oh well more importantly the next day she turned over looked at me and said ‘You’re really little when you’re drunk.” For those of us who don’t know what a little is….actually nevermind we’re on tumblr here you damn well know what it is! Anyway I was like ‘How dare you! You shut your dirty hole!’ she decided to just go AAAAAAAAHHHH and open her mouth in my face…stink ass morning breath just all over me. YUCK. She pulls out her ipod and shows me a video of us talking, I say ‘You know he really loves me because he kisses me in the morning before i brush my teeth and his teeth are brushed and it’s like Antarctica in there! so minty!’ she was laughing in the video but in person she just gave me stink face because once again my lil ol bunky captain is not a lucky lady her boyfriend be not tryna give it up to her. Let’s agree she be salty af haha…no one tell her that! it’s only okay for me to do it. I’m probably going to speak about my boyfriend a lot so lets just use to him being around that’s my shawty my bae my boo my stink my honey <3 <3 <3333333 Well that’s all folks see ya real soon!

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Let me tell you about the time I told my roommate my bf has a huge d**k!!!!!

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a year now and a lot of funny interesting things happen between us but before we were a thing I always talked so much shit about how he’s never had sex before. So about two months into us dating I finally gave in and let him have it and boy was I blown away!

I come home after the first night of us together and I’m laying in my bed staring up at the ceiling deep in thought while my roommate is next to me surfing the web on her phone, I turn over and just blurt out ‘where has he been hiding it?’ she was confused but just shrugged. We both sat up and I couldn’t help laughing before I said ‘his dick is huge! I was not expecting that! I mean have you seen him? Who would of thought he was packing, I am excited yet surprised.’ She on the other hand was not having it she made the most grossed out face and asked why was I telling her this as well as she didn’t want to hear it because she was not scoring with her boyfriend. I mean guys my boyfriend is this cute little dork that I adore so much but when he drops those pants my god I am like you can do whatever you want. I never stop bringing it up to her really because even now I am still surprised af that it’s fucking huge and thick like sis sometimes I be daydreaming about getting dicked down and I’m like okay gotta go get some see you later.

[alaskanbunky-blog]

let me tell you about the time my roommate helped me start this!

So me and my roommate, let us call her Captain? Mhm Cap and I thought it be a great idea to start a place where I can keep all the random things I tell her sometimes. Each and every time I think I’m extremely boring she seems so blown away by the shenanigans I pull or pulled or want to pull HA! Come follow me through my past, present and future but only if you want to, if not why are you here fam? BEAT IT LIKE MJ! Anyway Enjoy :)