Hi its been a while
I was trying to remember when I stopped writing on tumblr, or gave a shit about it. It really has been a long while. It’s been so long I’m not sure if I’m still capable of putting my thoughts into words anymore.
It’s been at least 3 years since I’ve been here. I don’t expect anyone to read this stuff anymore. But I’m okay. I’m in Silicon Valley and I’m okay. I should be more than okay, but I’m still not. Perhaps I’ll never be.
I’m still trying to be more grateful, so I’m going to write about how far I’ve come.
I was in a pretty dark place. I got my psychology degree in May of 2014, and decided to drop everything to go to Hong Kong. I went to Hong Kong hoping to get a job at a coffee shop, and to live a simple life to heal from all the pain I’ve accumulated in my early 20s. It clearly didn’t work out, since money became a problem again. Lesson of the day: no matter how much you want to not let money affect your life, you can’t. Sorry. That’s the way it goes. Money is, to some extent, happiness.
I flew back to Vancouver in September 2014, went right back to the job I hated. But I was actually grateful, a little bit. The money I earned gave me the freedom to do things to heal better. I learned something important right then: focus on only one thing at a time. So I focused on exercising. I ran everyday, I went to bootcamp almost every day. I was strong. I was empowered. I really miss the person I used to be.
Then I wanted to travel. I went to Japan, Korea, Montreal, New York, L.A. in the span of 2 months.
Then I went back to hating my job. I quit my job in the summer of 2015, and was jobless. But I was determined to make it as a photographer. I had a lot of fun because I love being creative. Again, money is happiness, so I went back to work. Of course I never do things half-assed. So I worked 2 jobs and burnt myself out. Sometimes I really miss the photographer I used to be.
That was 2015.
In the fall of 2016, I saved enough money to go back to school. It only took me 2 years of wandering to get to the right place.
Right place for my career. Wrong place for my mind. I’m still an absolute mess. Going back to school brought back all the fears and unrealistic expectations in me.
I’m a tiny little software engineer intern in Silicon Valley now. Some days I’m still haunted by that voice telling me I’m no good, I’m not going to make it. My body is forever in fight-or-flight, always one or the other. I wish I could just sing me to sleep so I can truly rest.
There are things I want to be grateful for.
I’m grateful to have done 2 internships since I started my new career.
I’m grateful to have a wonderful and supportive partner who loves me and who I’m 100% comfortable with.
I’m grateful to have a warm house to stay in, and wonderful food to eat. I’m grateful to have met all the right people in my life.
I’m grateful things have been going right since I’ve arrived in California.
I’m grateful for not smoking anymore.
I’m grateful for me. Hopefully some day.
