Mature (sounds better than old) Fangirl -- "I remember when fanfic was published on paper in APAs, Dearie." Current fandom: Once Upon a Time -- OTP Rumbelle with a side of Swanfire. Die hard Sherlockian including ACD as well as all the modern ones. Older fandoms include Stargate Universe; Alias, the Buffy Verse, Doctor Who and Star Trek. Knitter and political nerd Avatar courtesy of the lovely and talented @queenweeys
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Summary:
They were aliens. Roxanne watched Star Trek. She should have expected that some… things would work a little differently than humans. And in the end it wasn’t all that different.
In the very beginning of A Study in Scarlet, Watson mentions an orderly named Murray who saved his life.
I saw a post somewhere suggesting that Murray was Mina's father. I really like that idea. I would want to write a fic about it, only I have no idea what it would be about. All I can think of is Murray dying of his injuries, and asking Watson to make sure whatever money he has goes to his daughter, so Watson arranges it that Mina gets sent to school so she'll be taken care of and can later provide for herself, with whatever she inherited from her father paying for her tuition (and Sherlock Holmes generously donating a few years later when Watson mentioned how the daughter of his old friend didn't have enough left of her inheritance to complete her schooling).
Oneshot Summary: Roxanne Ritchi has a much harder time not panicking when she doesn't have a job to do, but she's a professional, god damn it! (Follow up to Meet Cute).
It wasn’t that Roxanne Ritchi, up and coming investigative reporter, wasn’t afraid of the resident super villain. If she was going to be completely honest (and she wasn’t) that moment when Megamind vaulted the table, grabbed her, and put a pistol to her head was the scariest moment of her life. If her back hadn’t been to him he surely would have seen the sheer terror that she had struggled to hide. But her back was to him, so he didn’t.
The thing was, she’d spent her first four years out of college working as a correspondent to the Defense Council in DC. It was pretty niche, and hadn’t resulted in a lot of screen time, but it had looked really good on her resume when she was applying to work in Metro City.
This was on purpose, of course. Metro City was her home, and she’d always planned to come back here as soon as she could.
Anyways, the Defense Council. She had seen some things. She had been in the building, interviewing members of the council, when it had been attacked by The Stiletto and her henchmen. Roxanne would have panicked when shots were suddenly being fired in what had moments ago been a quietly busy lobby, if not for The Quil taking charge and assigning her the duty of leading her fellow would-be hostages out of the lobby. It had given Roxanne something to focus on other than thoughts of “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit”.
And that was why Roxanne had continued the interview when Megamind pointed a pistol at her head.
It wasn’t because she was fearless, or had nerves of steel, it was because she knew from experience that the best way to keep yourself from panicking was to find a job to do, and do it.
She wondered, somewhat hysterically, if she should tell Megamind that. Roxanne had been minding her own business, doing some legwork for a story on the new public transit proposal, when suddenly Megamind was standing in front of her with a spray can. He sprayed something in her face and she blacked out, only to come to, tied up in the back of a car with a blindfold over her eyes.
She decided, instantly, that her current job was to absorb as many details as possible so she could report on this incident if she got free.
That and not panicking.
Which was why she lay there, silent, doing her best not to give away the fact that she was awake as Megamind bickered with somebody talking through a tinny speaker.
“I know it’s a bit cliché, but I told her that she hadn’t seen the last of me, I can’t just say that and not follow up on it. I have standards!”
“Yes sir, of course, but what are we supposed to do with her if your plan succeeds?”
“When, you mean, when my brilliant plan succeeds.”
“Of course, what are we supposed to do with her when your plan succeeds?”
“That's the best part, she’s a reporter, when my brilliant plan succeeds she’ll be able to tell the world about my genius.”
“Oh, that’s very clever sir.”
“Right?!”
Megamind kept talking, bragging really, about his intelligence, but Roxanne couldn’t quite focus on what he was saying. She was briefly swept away by a wave of relief. It didn’t sound like he was planning to kill her. All he wanted was a witness, she could do that, she could witness things.
The car came to a sudden stop and it was all Roxanne could do not to cry out. Thankfully, Megamind had wrapped the center lap belt around her waist so she didn’t go flying.
When he got out of the car she took a deep breath and reminded herself of what she’d learned when she was researching his inventions.
First, Megamind only ever hit civilians with non-lethal weapons, some of them were unpleasant but none caused lasting damage. Second, when he attacked Metro Man the battles had almost zero collateral damage. Third, despite calling himself evil he had only ever killed two people, one was in self defense, the other was a known serial killer with a habit of violently raping his rather young victims.
Overall, it was highly unlikely that he was going to hurt her. As far as her research showed, he was a dangerous man who nonetheless tended not to harm people if he could help it.
The car door by her head opened and Megamind leaned over her to unbuckle her. She knew it was him because he was shouting orders at somebody.
“And make sure the Saucers of Sadism are primed.”
“Yes sir, they’re warming up now.”
“Good, good,” he picked her up bridal style, being surprisingly gentle, “Where is the chair?”
“Chair?”
“Yes, chair. We have to put her on a chair, we can’t just leave her on the ground, it would be impossible to get her in the shot.”
“Oh um…”
“Oh for-! Well grab one, and hurry up, the spray is going to wear off any minute.”
There was a clomping sound, like somebody running off wearing metal shoes, while Megamind grumbled about having to plan everything himself. Roxanne did her best to remain limp as she struggled to see through the blindfold. There were a couple dots of light, and a sliver of gray where the blindfold didn’t quite meet her cheek, but for the most part the strip of cloth did its job.
Something beeped and Megamind sighed gustily, he stomped across the room, and placed her in a soft, high back chair before stomping a short distance away. Roxanne badly wanted to adjust her posture into something more comfortable, but didn’t want to tip him off that she was awake just yet. She heard the typing of keys and tapping of buttons.
“You! Bring Daddy a screwdriver.”
“Bowg bowg.”
The clomping came back, “Here we go! One chair.”
“Perfect, put it on the mark. And double check that it lines up right in the shot.”
There was a little more clomping, some more button tapping, and various “Hm no, a little-“ and one “Ah, right there” then she was picked up again and moved to a much less comfortable chair. This time, she adjusted her posture immediately, quietly smirking when she heard a small “Eep!”
“You know, the other one was much more comfortable,” she said, proud of how calm she sounded, “I don’t suppose you’d put me back.”
“No I will not,” Megamind answered immediately, his voice moving around her, “that’s my chair.”
The blindfold jolted then came loose, and Roxanne squinted until her eyes adjusted. There was a camera pointed at her, well, her and the black leather high back chair she had probably been sitting in a few seconds ago. She turned her head and saw a screen displaying what the camera was showing.
“Well, well, well, we meet again Miss Ritchi,” he said from right behind her, as if they were only just starting this interaction.
She sighed, “You messed up my eye make up.”
“What?”
“My mascara is all smudged, and look, it’s going to show up on camera,” she gestured at the screen with her chin.
Megamind walked around her and over to the screen, he frowned at it, then turned to some of those floating cyborgs, “You, bring Miss Ritchi’s purse from the car, and you, grab some make up wipes.”
Roxanne raised an eyebrow at his back as he turned to the Brain Bot that was flying up with a screwdriver. Was he actually going to let her fix her makeup? This was almost like a professional broadcast. She tilted her head to one side and thought about the televised battles she’d seen in the past. Scratch that, this was a professional broadcast.
Good, that made it even easier to not panic.
She looked at the screen again and experimented with her posture. There, that looked pretty professional, or as good as she could get with her wrists tied in her lap.
“Hm, would look better with them behind my back,” she muttered without thinking.
Megamind glanced up from the doodad he was fiddling with, he seemed to be checking something inside the casing, “What’s that?”
“Oh, nothing, it’s just hard not to slouch like this,” she said, then glanced up at the lights, “you know, you should get some actual spot lights if you’re going to be televising these. The ambient lighting isn’t bad, but sometimes it bleaches you out.”
“Does it?” The other voice asked and Roxanne swiveled her head until she found that fish in a robot that sometimes accompanied Megamind, “He looks fine on here.”
“Different TV’s have different color settings, some good lighting can help compensate for that,” she said as conversationally as she could, “I’m Roxanne by the way, I don’t think we’ve met.”
“Oh!” The fish’s fins fluttered as he blinked rapidly, apparently not expecting her to introduce herself, “It’s- I-I know who you are Miss Ritchi, I’m Minion.”
“Your name is Minion?”
He shrugged, or rather the shoulders of the robot suit shrugged, “It’s a rough translation of what my title would be if we were on our home planet. It’s maybe not the most accurate one, but I like the way it sounds.”
“Oh, that’s pretty interesting,” she shifted so she could face him more, and he seemed pleasantly surprised by the continued attention, “So what is the most accurate?”
There was a loud clearing of the throat from Megamind’s side of the room, Minion glanced over at him then grimaced sheepishly, clomping over to some other machine that didn’t appear to be on and pressing random buttons to make himself look busy. It was actually sort of cute.
“Miss Ritchi, your makeup,” Megamind said, and she turned back to find the two Brain Bots returning, one with her purse, the other with some makeup wipes. He directed them her way while he was bent over a control panel attaching the doodad to a thingie and she immediately accepted the items.
“Thank you,” she said, somewhat automatically, then remembering what he’d said about these things being made from dogs she tacked on, “good cyborgs.”
The Brain Bots bobbed a little, bowging at her. Hopefully that was a good sound and not a warning sound.
It was a little difficult digging through her purse with her hands bound, but she managed. However, it was impossible to hold her mirror compact and pull out a wipe at the same time.
“Um,” she looked up at the Brain Bots that were still floating over her, “could you hold this mirror for me?”
“Bowg.” The closest one grabbed the mirror in a claw, cracking it but holding it steady.
“Thank you,” she said again, then began cleaning up the smudged mascara. With that done she pulled out her powder and evened out the color under her eyes. She looked from her reflection to the screen and back again. Finally she pulled out some eyeliner and gave her eyes some better definition, then checked her appearance again. Good, now she was ready to go on the air.
She put all of her makeup back in her purse then tried to take her mirror back. The cyborg pulled it out of her fingers before she could get a good grip on it, tossed it up in the air and opened its jaw to catch it, only for the other Brain Bot to snatch it up instead.
There was a great deal of bowging over this development.
“Uh Megamind?” she leaned around them to where Megamind was sitting down in his chair, apparently ready to start, “Your dogs just ate my mirror, that won’t hurt them, will it?”
Megamind froze, blinking at her. He didn’t answer her question and for some reason this was the thing her brain decided was worthy of panicking over.
“Oh my god, will it?! Did I just kill your cyborg dog? I am so sorry!” She could feel her bottom lip beginning to tremble, which was horrible, but at least if she cracked now he would think she was panicking over hurting his weird, cyborg dogs and not because she was stressed and scared and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
“No,” he suddenly burst, “uh no, no, the mirror is- it won’t hurt the Brain Bots.”
She sighed in relief, pulling herself back from the brink of a melt down, “Oh, that’s good.”
Megamind frowned at her, “Miss Ritchi, you are aware that you’ve been kidnapped, right?”
Roxanne was very aware of this fact, and she would thank him not to remind her, less she might lose her composure on live television.
She shrugged, “Yeah, and?”
“What do you mean ‘yeah and’?! I have you in my villainous clutches, you are in grave danger, completely at my mercy,” he seemed personally offended by her nonchalance.
There was a voice in her head that said, “Hey, Roxanne, maybe we should try our best not to provoke the guy that held you hostage and just kidnapped you.”
Unfortunately for Megamind there was a much louder voice that said, “Fuck this guy! Who the hell does he think he is? I have shit to do today.” And another which repeated, “You are a professional, you will not panic.” over and over.
“Grave danger,” Roxanne said, out loud, “really? You sure?”
“Am I-? Yes, yes I am quite sure,” his scowl shifted into an evil grin, “you told me I would have to earn a scream, and today I intend to do so.”
“I’d like to see you try.”
“Careful what you wish for Miss Ritchi,” he purred, then started laughing maniacally as he grabbed a big lever on the side of the control panel he was sitting in front of.
He flipped the lever and there was the whine of machinery before a large buzz saw suddenly descended from the ceiling, stopping maybe a foot from her head.
Admittedly, Roxanne did jump, eyes transfixed to the deadly saw as Megamind’s laughter picked up in volume. Then her eyes roved up the arm of the saw and she noticed a key detail.
It was as extended as far as it could get.
Her shoulders slumped with relief and she schooled her features into a look of disappointment, “Oh.”
His laughter cut off, “Oh?”
“Meh,” she shrugged again, doing her best to lean back in her chair as casually as possible.
“Meh?!”
“Well it’s just,” Roxanne nibbled on her lip for a second, then sighed, “last time we met you threatened me with a ray gun you made just for the occasion. This time, you what? Stopped at Home Depot on the way to pick me up?”
“Home Depot?!”
“Actually we got it custom ordered from-,” Minion started to say.
“Don’t tell her where we got it! She doesn’t need to know that!” Megamind cut off Minion before turning a glare on her, “And you! You are in very real danger here.”
“Oh yeah, sure, sure. It’s just… not very special is it,” Roxanne couldn’t quite keep from smirking at him, “I kind of feel like the spark we had when we first met has gone out.”
“Oh I’ll show you sparks!”
“Please do,” she said, in a low silky voice.
Megamind gaped at her, jaw working silently. When it seemed like he might just have figured out what to say to her she threw in a cheeky wink, just to knock him right off balance again.
“So, Minion,” she turned back to the fish, who was looking at her similarly shocked, “Megamind mentioned you like to cook?”
“He-?”
“Well, what he actually said was that you’re a genius in the kitchen,” Roxanne corrected, “how’d you get into cooking?”
“Oh, well I uh…”
“Oh! Oh, I see what she’s doing!” Megamind suddenly declared, he kicked off from the control panel and wheeled over to her, one accusatory finger raised, “She is trying to distract us, buy herself time to be rescued. Very clever Miss Ritchi, but I’m afraid nobody is coming to save you.”
“Really? So you’re not planning to use me as bait? Then what am I even doing here?”
“What? Ugh! No, of course we’re using you as bait, what I meant was, nobody will be suck-yes-fooly saving you,” Megamind rolled his eyes at her.
“Successfully?” she asked, as he kicked himself back over to the control panel.
“That too,” he said, and began flipping switches, “now, let’s call the Golden Boy. We wouldn’t want him to be late for his own defeat, would we?”
“I still say you need some better lighting,” she couldn’t see him with the chair back in the way so she watched him on the screen, “and maybe some eyeliner. You have a great face for this stuff but some of your expressiveness will be lost on the average TV screen.”
He paused in his switch flipping but didn’t look up from the panel.
“I’d lend you my eyeliner but it’s dark brown and you definitely need black,” she regarded the bulbous head on the screen, mind far away to that lecture she’d had about color theory in regards to live action broadcasting, “maybe something metallic if you can find it. And maybe some dark lipstick or piercings or something? You’re a very nice shade of blue and if you’re trying to look scary you’re going to have to add something dark to draw the eye.”
He turned in his chair to scrutinize her for a minute and she tilted her head, scrutinizing him right back.
“Can you grow facial hair?”
“I- yes,” there was something weird about his voice, it wasn’t quite rough, wasn’t quite soft, it was just off somehow.
She nodded thoughtfully, then continued her musing, “Maybe another camera, get multiple angles.”
Roxanne looked at Megamind, then Minion. They just stared at her.
“Something to think about,” she said.
He watched her for one more minute, brow wrinkled and eyes ticking over her face and posture. Then he turned around and pressed a button, a white bulb turned on over the camera. He took a deep breath and started up an evil cackle.
A glance at the screen showed that in his current position she was blocked from the camera’s view. All the better for a dramatic reveal. Roxanne may have been more reporter than writer, but what was a reporter if not a storyteller. She could recognize and admire all the brush strokes that went into this little drama.
It was getting easier by the second to see this whole thing as another day at work.
Minion got her attention and began silently counting down on his fingers, reminding Roxanne that Megamind was already on air. She fixed her posture, and schooled her face into one of calm defiance, waiting for her cue.
“-but wait Metro Mahn, there’s more! If you fail to stop the Saucers of Sadism, you will not only be failing all of Metrocity, but the lovely Roxanne Ritchi,” with that Megamind moved his chair over to reveal her to the audience.
“Roxanne,” Metro Man gasped, on the screen that Megamind had been blocking before. He managed to sound personally dismayed despite the fact that they’d only met once.
At first she wasn’t sure what she would say, but when she found herself live on television the words just came to her, “Hello Metro City, make sure you tune in to KMCP tonight to catch my report of Metro Man’s stunning victory.”
Megamind scowled at her sharply and she smirked back. Take that, Mr. Teach You the Meaning of Fear.
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so confident if I were you, Miss Ritchi,” Megamind purred, “in order to reach you in time Metro Mahn will have to defeat each of my saucers and decipher the clues I’ve etched into the inside of their casing. If he fails the saw spinning above your head will descend, cutting you in half.”
She glanced back up at the fully extended apparatus. Yeah, there was no way that thing could get any closer.
“Don’t panic Roxanne,” Metro Man said, but Roxanne mostly ignored him.
“Uh-huh, I’ll try. You know he has X-Ray vision, right?”
Megamind opened his mouth, holding up one finger, but froze before any sound came out. He frowned deeply, deflating and turning sharply to Minion.
“We uh, we may have forgotten that detail,” Minion admitted to her in a quiet voice.
“Minion,” Megamind made a zipping motion over his lips, then turned back to the controls, “I’m afraid your hero won’t survive my saucers long enough to use his X-Ray vision.”
He flicked a switch and the light next to a placard reading “autopilot” went off at the same time that a light next to a placard reading “manual control” turned on.
“Hm, ok,” she flicked her hair out of her face then said in her best reporter voice, “So, Megamind, would you mind telling the people of Metro City why you went with the theme of saucers this week?”
He shot her a surprisingly deadpan look over his shoulder, “I’m an alien Miss Ritchi, this didn’t really seem like much of a leap.”
“Oh,” she frowned, “but isn’t it true that you have lived in Metro City since infancy?”
“Yeah, so,” he flicked a switch and Metro Man made an exaggerated grunt of effort on the screen. Roxanne may recommend acting classes to him when this was done.
“I suppose I just associate the Megamind ‘brand’ with the punk rock scene more than I do flying saucers,” she pointed out. His fingers paused over the controls and Metro Man made a triumphant sound on the screen. Megamind cursed, too quietly for the camera to pick up.
“Are you trying to distract me, Miss Ritchi?!”
“What?! Me?! No,” she actually had been trying to distract herself, but she would take the easy excuse to keep going that he had so helpfully provided, “would I do a thing like that?”
He growled, “Ah! Cursed Temptress, you’re lucky I don’t gag you.”
Roxanne had to bite her tongue and remind herself this was live to keep the low hanging bondage joke at bay, “Can’t hear me scream if I’m gagged.”
“Can’t hear you scream if you don’t scream,” Megamind grumbled as his hands moved furiously over the controls.
“For those of you watching at home, I feel it should be known that Megamind is controlling (one, two…) six saucers at once,” she told the camera.
“Really?” Metro Man said, briefly breaking character, she would definitely be recommending those acting classes, “This is all you?”
“That’s right, Metro Mahn, you may have the strength of fifty men, but I have the intellect of a hundred,” Megamind bragged, without missing a beat.
“It doesn’t matter how smart you are,” Metro Man slipped back into his heroic persona, “good will always triumph over evil.”
“Unless evil has more money than god, and lawyers sent straight from hell,” Roxanne, who had spent four years reporting on politics, muttered to Minion. He snorted and started nodding in agreement before he apparently remembered himself and went back to standing stalwartly still just behind her chair.
“We should just let them do their thing,” Minion whispered back.
“How long does this usually take?”
“Once the fight begins? Half hour, tops.”
Roxanne nodded, glancing at Megamind’s back, then the image being shown on screen. She sighed.
“The next time you guys take a hostage you should line the shot up with a mannequin or something beforehand,” she adjusted her posture, “it’s really hard to make this look professional.”
Minion also eyed the screen, nodding thoughtfully, or well, bobbing up and down thoughtfully, “Do you have any other advice? Since you’re used to dealing with cameras?”
She hummed thoughtfully, “If you can find some blue powder foundation that should help with how shiny Megamind is, and if he’s really going for the whole villain thing it may be a good idea for him to empathize how sharp his bone structure is. Would it obstruct your visibility if there was lighting in your dome? You can be kind of hard to see on camera.”
“Not if we do it right.”
“There should be an ‘off stage’ of sorts,” Roxanne continued, looking from the one camera shot to the rest of the lair, “areas the camera doesn’t pick up where you can do anything you don’t want the audience to see. And maybe something to fill the scenery, it’s a bit bare.”
“Ok, so lighting, make up, and shot composition,” Minion frowned, “how’s the sound from the audience side?”
“Hm, not always great,” Roxanne admitted, “I actually didn’t realize how deep his voice is because it always sounds sort of nasally on camera. You should definitely experiment with sound design.”
“Any equipment recommendations?”
“Oh, I don’t know enough about cameras and stuff to help you with that,” she shook her head lightly, “although I could check to see what the station uses and send you the specs-.”
Roxanne froze and sharply reminded herself that she was not at a work conference or something, she had been kidnapped. There would be no spec sending, it’s not like the evil hench fish was going to give her his email.
“Oh, would you? That would be so great! Here, let me just write down my email, I’ll put it in your purse,” Minion said, subtly sneaking over to one side of the room.
Ok, maybe he would.
“Oh, uh thanks,” she said, although he probably didn’t hear her since she was still speaking low enough for the cameras not to pick it up.
“Gah!” Megamind cried, then hissed, “fuck.”
Roxanne leaned around him and saw that three of the saucer controls were now displaying red lights and nothing else, but one of them had an orange light flashing over its section on the control panel.
“What does that orange light mean?” she asked.
“It means that idiot meat head has damaged the spatial controls,” Megamind grunted, turning the remaining two saucers back over to autopilot and focusing his attention on the broken one.
This had just gotten somehow more serious, she realized.
“For those watching at home,” Roxanne addressed the camera, “this means the mechanism that either Megamind or the autopilot would use to control where the saucer is in relation to other objects has been damaged on one of the three remaining saucers and it is now out of control.”
Her eyes roved over the screens that were displaying neither Metro Man nor Megamind. She found the image of the damaged saucer, which was swinging wildly around the sky. On some of the other screens she could see that there were people watching the battle.
“The battle is currently taking place over Metro City park, if you are in the area it is highly recommended that you evacuate immediately,” she continued, hoping at least one of those people would be listening on the accompanying radio broadcast, “the damaged saucer is the one with green and white lights and black spikes. I believe Megamind has just, yes, Megamind has dispatched some Brain Bots to make emergency repairs. According to the control center they should be there in five minutes, I recommend that you do not engage with the bots.”
Megamind’s shoulders seemed tenser than they were before and the image of him on the screen was scowling deeply as his hands concentrated on one set of controls and one set only. He pulled up what looked like a warped grid onto the screen that had previously held Metro Man and Roxanne belatedly realized it was from the saucer’s spatial readings. Shit, were those supposed to be buildings?
She would have sucked air in through her teeth if she wasn’t on live TV, as it was, she schooled her features and kept reporting.
“The Brain Bots are now on site and making the necessary repairs. No, wait, they’re-.”
Before she could say any more Megamind’s arm shot out and he pressed the button from before, the light above the camera turned off.
“They’re disabling it?” she asked his back, but didn’t receive an answer.
“Sir, you cut the feed?”
He just grunted.
The flashing orange light turned red.
Megamind fell back into his chair with a loud whoosh of air. If Roxanne didn’t know any better she’d say he was relieved. Actually, the fact that she knew better was why she knew he was relieved.
This really all was just a show, wasn’t it?
“Why?” she asked.
“What’s that?” Megamind asked, voice muffled since he was a bit busy rubbing his hands over his face.
“Why do all this- this-?” Roxanne didn’t even know what to call it. He had been to prison, several times. He was hated by the entire city, he couldn’t walk down the street without people screaming at him.
And he was the smartest person in the world who almost definitely had a fortune sitting around from various patents.
“Because I’m evil, Miss Ritchi,” he purred, apparently back to playing the villain, playing this character he had thrown his whole life into.
“Are you?” she asked doubtfully.
He frowned and was about to say something, but then a wall burst open and suddenly Metro Man was just there.
Things moved quickly after that, at least, it all seemed like a blur to Roxanne. She watched Metro Man knock Megamind around a little with a dull sort of horror, her blood rushing in her ears. Why? Why was he doing this? She didn’t understand. And then Metro Man used his laser eyes to zap the ropes off her wrists and he picked her up so that she sat on his forearm, leaning against his chest, and in his other hand he grabbed Megamind by the scruff of his shoulder thingy, and he flew them away like that, and Megamind didn’t even point out that he had stopped the saucer from hurting anyone.
It wasn't that Roxanne Ritchi, up and coming investigative reporter, was afraid of the resident super villain. If anybody asked (and they wouldn't) she was actually completely baffled by him. Baffled and a little concerned.
One Shot Summary: Megamind takes a hostage in order to facilitate his latest prison break. That hostage just so happens to be up and coming investigative reporter Roxanne Ritchi.
Megamind had been setting up this particular prison break for the past two years.
It was the warden himself who had inadvertently inspired the idea. In the wake of Megamind’s first glorious battle with Mr. Goody Two Shoes a whole slew of reporters had contacted the prison hoping to interview the newly declared super villain. Megamind was happy to revel in the attention, not to mention practice his evil monologues, but the warden had insisted on vetting each reporter and sitting in on each interview, along with a bunch of guards.
He had even gone so far as to set aside a specific room for Megamind to receive visitors, since he had a tendency to transform any technology put in his hands, including the phones most prisoners used to talk to their visitors.
It had, of course, clued Megamind into the fact that the warden was expecting an escape attempt, maybe even a hostage situation.
That sounded like a fantastic bit of fun.
So he bided his time, allowing interview after interview to pass without incident. Meanwhile, he did his best to entertain the guards, turn the interview into a show, a game for them to watch. Luring them into a false sense of security.
All while he figured out how to smuggle a de-gun into the prison.
The solution turned out to be marvelously simple, or rather, the solution had been to simplify the de-gun. He constructed one that could only dehydrate objects, to allow room for all sorts of stealth technology as well as a self dehydrating feature in a pistol small enough for him to hide in his sock.
With the tech and the guards all sorted, Megamind only had to wait until everybody’s favorite meathead broke one of his limbs. The dehydrated, simplified gun fit easily (if not comfortably) into the palm of his cast, which was scanned, but obviously not removed for his usual strip search. Once it was in the prison Megamind transferred it around his person as needed to keep it hidden until the cast was removed and he was ready to make his daring escape.
Finally, all he had to do was choose the perfect hostage. Somebody young, and relatively inexperienced, but not so young and inexperienced that they’d try to fight him. He wanted to hit that sweet spot where the hostage would freeze up and do as he said.
Preferably a female, partly for the optics, but mostly because he would be dragging this person through the prison and possibly carrying them if their legs gave out in panic. He was slightly stronger than your average human male, but men could be so bulky to carry around. So a woman, his size or smaller.
With all this in mind he selected an up and coming investigative reporter who apparently wanted to ask him about his inventions for a monthly science segment. She had been building her career on the local broadcast for the past three years and before that had apparently been a correspondent in DC.
Her name was… something, something with an R. He had really only skimmed over her name when he was considering candidates. Evil gods, what was it?
“Roxanne Ritchi, nice to meet you,” the brunette woman standing in the doorway of his visitor room held out her hand to the warden, who frowned at it but shook it anyway.
Ah yes, that was it. Roxanne Ritchi. Alliterative, good, audiences loved alliteration. She was standing behind the red line painted on the floor under the door jamb while a pair of armed guards shackled Megamind to his “visitor chair”. The shackles went around his wrists and were bolted to the floor beneath the table so that he wouldn’t be able to bring his hands anywhere near his visitor, another chain wound around his waist to keep him attached to his chair.
“Miss Ritchi,” the warden gruffed, “you’ve been briefed?”
“Yes sir,” she chirped, “no cameras, audio recording only, don’t hand Megamind any technology. Don’t enter until you say so. Stay seated until I’m told to stand. Don’t enter Megamind’s ‘bubble’. And don’t lean my arms on the table.”
“Good. Is he ready?”
“Yessir.”
“Alright. Go ahead Miss.”
“Thank you,” her boot heels clicked on the concrete floor as she walked around the blue circle painted around his chair. She sat down across from him and treated him to a surprisingly polite smile as she got out her audio recorder. Oh good, a professional, hopefully that meant she would remember enough details to give an accurate report on the news.
“Hello Miss Ritchi,” he said, in his best villainous pur.
“Hello,” she said, in a bright and casual voice, “before I begin recording, is Megamind the name you prefer to be called?”
He was slightly taken aback by the courteous question, but recovered quickly, “It is.”
“Great, and this is a basic outline of what I’m planning to ask you,” she held up a sheet of paper with large bullet points so he could read it from across the oversized table, “obviously if you say something interesting I’ll chase the lead, but this is for the science segment so if anything is too personal you can ask for it to be stricken from the record.”
It took him a little bit longer to recover from his surprise this time, fortunately he had the excuse of examining the outline she was holding up.
He cocked his head and flicked his eyes to her face, not bothering to disguise his scrutiny of her. He’d found that most people became nervous when he examined them like this.
Miss Roxanne Ritchi did not show any sign of nerves. She was an objectively beautiful being, with symmetrical, well proportioned features and large, expressive blue eyes. Her brown hair was soft looking and shiny and fell to her shoulders in a stylish bob. No doubt to help distinguish herself from Susanne Sawyer on channel ten, who had brown hair that fell halfway down her back in perfectly styled waves.
Twitching at the corner of Roxanne’s pleasantly pink lips was a quiet smile of amusement, as if she knew something he didn’t. The smile only seemed to grow stronger as he watched her.
“I’m surprised at you Miss Ritchi, don’t you want to know what could drive a man to a life of crime and villainy?” he drawled, smirking at her sardonically. Around them, the guards started to grin, their shoulders relaxing a tad bit.
This was the game he’d played for every other interview, offering reporters a chance at his back story then seeing how ridiculous a tale he could spin.
“Oh, I already know what drove you to a life of crime,” she waved his suggestion off, putting the outline on the table behind the dashed line they weren’t allowed to cross, “it was the death of your father at the hands of a rabid police dog.”
Megamind felt his grin grow larger, that was the story he’d fed the guy from CNN.
“Although, I would love it if you could clarify the timeline, was your father killed by a rabid police dog before or after he died in a lab accident?”
His grin froze. The lab accident was what he’d told the Channel 10 news. Her amused smile bloomed and she raised one eyebrow.
“Oh ho ho ho,” he found himself laughing, “you’re not accusing me of lying now, are you?”
“Me? Accuse the self proclaimed Master of all Villainy of lying?” she made a thoughtful hum, “Of course not, I’m a professional. Are these questions ok?”
“I will not be confirming how any of my tech works,” Megamind said, eyeing the last two bullet points, “there are too many interested parties trying to steal my designs.”
She pursed her lips, but sighed and nodded, taking the outline and putting it back in her bag, “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time Science Saturday focused more on the scientist than the actual science.”
“Hm, yes, I particularly liked your segment on Bill Nye, and the science of education,” Megamind said, hitting the careful balance between villainous and conversational with practiced ease.
“Oh, thank you, that was a really fun one. Although the station cut out some of my favorite parts,” she adjusted her posture, sitting up straighter, “Anyways, you ready to begin?”
“Oh yes Miss Ritchi,” he leaned forward as far as his chains would allow, “let’s begin.”
He started the process of disassembling his shackles without alerting any of the guards, the trick was to be slow and steady.
She pressed record and laid the rectangular recorder on the table. Also on her side of the dashed line.
“So, let’s begin with your educational background,” she sat back in her chair, looking rather relaxed for somebody who was addressing a supervillain, “should I be calling you Dr. Megamind?”
He snorted, “I have no need for a formal education, I am a natural genius.”
“Even geniuses need to acquire new information from somewhere.”
“I suppose,” he allowed, equal parts annoyed and amused that she hadn’t let him dodge the question.
“So, where did you learn engineering, science, and battle tactics?”
His eyebrow ticked over the words “battle tactics”, most people didn’t notice that his fights with Metro Man utilized actual strategy. Probably because Metro Man’s strategy of Punch the Problem Until It Goes Away was as flashy as it was unrefined.
“Through experimentation and exploration,” he admitted, “and books.”
“That’s it?”
For a split second Megamind was almost tempted to tell her about his short stint at school, but decided she didn’t need to know that, instead he said, “I absorb and synthesize information faster than any teacher can teach it. And my method of doing so is not compatible with a formal classroom.”
“Hm, interesting. When you say synthesize, what do you mean exactly?”
“I-,” he paused, trying to figure out how to put this into words, “I suppose you could say I take new information and examine every logical conclusion one could draw from it. I disregard every conclusion that is already disproven by something else I know, and seek out the evidence to prove or disprove every other hypothesis.”
Miss Ritchi tilted her head, eyes ticking back and forth over his features, “Sooo, I’m guessing this method of learning doesn’t work as well for the soft sciences? The ones that don’t follow logical patterns?”
“Looking for my weaknesses Miss Ritchi,” he stretched his grin into something that resembled a snarl, lowering his brows as he stared her down.
But she just snorted and rolled her eyes, “That’s right, you caught me, as soon as we finish up here I’m going to march up to Metro Man and suggest that the next time you come at him with a giant robot, he should give you a pop quiz in psychology.”
Somebody in the room chuckled, and Megamind had to admit, it was an amusing image, “Oh I wish he would challenge me to a battle of wit. I must admit, his banter needs a bit of work.”
A look flickered across her face, it was quick, quick enough that he wasn’t sure it had even been there, but for a moment it looked like she had almost started to nod.
“So, what do you think of art then?”
“I quite enjoy it, especially music.”
“But science is what comes easiest to you?”
“I don't know if I would say that… it’s the most fun,” he corrected her, music also came to him pretty easy, but he enjoyed it a tiny bit less than he did inventing, “I rather enjoy the challenge of taking something of pure fantasy and making it reality.”
“Like giant robots?”
“Exactly!”
She didn’t bother suppressing her nod of agreement this time, “So then what would you say has been your most fun invention to create?”
“My most fun? Hm,” he pursed his lips, shifting in his seat, nobody had ever asked him that before, in fact her own outline had replaced this question with the somewhat cliched “what’s your favorite invention” question that he’d received a thousand times, “the Brain Bots. Not only did I have to figure out the technology and programming from scratch, but it required I branch out into near-oo-science.”
She wrinkled her brow for a minute as if confused, “Do you mean neuroscience?”
Megamind blinked, is that how that’s pronounced? That made no logical sense. He nodded anyway, “Yes.”
“So does that mean your robots are named Brain Bots because their processing units mimic the human brain?”
“Close Miss Ritchi,” he admitted, “my cyborgs are called brain bots because they use actual brain tissue.”
Finally, finally, there was a slight crack in her composure, a beat of pure surprise, “Where do you get the brain tissue?”
“Oooh, that’s the right question, I use the brains of dead dogs to construct my bots,” he added in a mad cackle since the audio recorder wouldn’t pick up a crazed grin.
“Do you kill the dogs yourself?”
“Yes, of course, it’s my favorite part,” he lied. He was expecting her to recoil in disgust or horror, but instead she paused, eyes roving over his face and shoulders before the amused smile was once more dancing at the edge of her lips.
“Uh-huh. So you collect them from kill shelters then?”
“What?! How do you-? N-No. No, I killed them, mercilessly and with a smile on my face.”
Her smile grew ever so slightly larger and her eyebrow ticked back up, for a second Megamind thought Roxanne would press the issue, but instead she just tipped her head in a slight nod and let it go.
Oh, he could not wait to wipe that knowing grin off her face.
“Ok. Moving on,” she said airily, she opened her mouth to say something else but he cut her off.
“You’re right Miss Ritchi, I do believe it is time for me to move on,” he purred, standing to his feet at the same time that he pulled the small de-pistol from his sock.
The guards only took a second to register what was happening but it was a second too long as Megamind swiftly vaulted over the table, pulled Roxanne from her chair and pointed the pistol at her head. He grinned at the warden over her shoulder, not bothering to look at any of the tasers now pointed at him and his hostage.
The warden stared back, face like stone. He had to at least suspect that the pistol was just a dehydration gun, but was he willing to risk Miss Ritchi’s life to find out?
He sighed, “Stand down.”
“Sir?”
“You heard me.”
The men all lowered their tasers and Megamind chuckled darkly.
“Smart choice, now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I'd like to go for a little stroll,” he glanced pointedly at the pistol in his hand then at the door, “unlock it then go stand in that corner.”
They did as he said, eyes on his hostage and the gun against her head. He moved the hand that was gripping the shoulder of her shirt to wind it around her waist and pull her closer. She was a more effective human shield that way and it meant he was ready to pick her up if her knees started buckling.
Slowly, keeping her between him and the guards he backed them to the door when he got there he gave her a slight squeeze and said, “Be a dear and open the door for me Miss Ritchi.”
He watched the guards while she reached behind the both of them and found the doorknob, when he heard the door open he wasted no time hauling her through it so that she was the first thing the guards stationed outside saw.
They reached for their tasers but Megamind clicked his tongue and shook his head, “I wouldn’t if I were you.”
They looked at eachother then slowly raised their hands.
“Good, get in there,” Megamind nodded his head at the room they just left, even as he maneuvered Roxanne out of their path. The guards shuffled into the room and Megamind ordered his hostage, “Close the door.”
She did. He pressed the lock override button on the security pad so that the men would be locked in the room until somebody came and got them out.
With the hall now empty of guards he adjusted his grip on her waist so they could walk faster and started rushing her down the corridor.
“Anyways,” Roxanne suddenly said, “as I was saying. Where do you usually get the inspiration for your inventions?”
“What?”
“Your inventions? How do they come to you?”
It was all Megamind could do not to trip over his feet in surprise, “Are you… are you trying to continue the interview?”
“Of course,” slowly, she held up the audio recorder that he hadn’t even seen her grab, “I am a professional after all.”
Megamind couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that escaped his mouth, “And what exactly makes you think I’ll answer your questions in the middle of my daring escape?”
“Well, there’s the fact that you love talking about yourself,” she pointed out, then her thumb pressed the pause button, “but off the record, there’s also the fact that this daring escape of yours is going to completely fall apart if I point out to the guards your pistol is non-lethal.”
He chuckled darkly, or rather he tried to, it came out sounding a bit choked, “And what exactly makes you think my pistol is non-lethal?”
“It’s one of those dehydration guns, isn’t it? That’s the only thing you ever shoot civilians with,” she reasoned, “well, that or the sticky gun-.”
“Decoupage.”
“What?”
“That setting is called decoupage. Sticky? Ugh, it doesn’t match the theme.”
“Right,” she said slowly, “either way, if this thing was a… decoupage gun you would be shooting the guards with it. But you haven’t fired it yet because if you do they’ll realize it’s just the dehydration gun and then you’ll have to shoot your way out.”
“Well, aren’t you the clever reporter,” he purred, “perhaps I should dehydrate you now and find myself a more gullible hostage.”
“Hm, you could do that, but I’m willing to bet you chose me for a reason,” she shrugged, “so, the way I see it you could shoot me, and hope that you just happen to run into another hostage that suits your plan and risk a shoot out where you’re outnumbered a hundred to one. Or!”
She held up the tape recorder and pressed the record button again, then grinned at him over her shoulder.
There was nothing else to do, Megamind laughed, “Oh I like you, you’re fun.”
“So, what would you say inspires most of your inventions?”
“My need to defeat Metro Man, of course.”
“Of course,” she repeated, dryly, “so it’s definitely not Saturday morning cartoons, or comic books?”
“What? I-, are you some sort of mind reader?”
“No, I just do my research. Also my niece was utterly thrilled when you made a real life Crab-a-tron. Aquatica is her favorite show.”
“Alright, alright, I’ll admit, some of my ideas do come from fiction,” he paused as they rounded a corner and spotted two more guards, “Don’t move, faces against the wall.”
Megamind glared at them as he and Miss Ritchi passed, then turned so she was still between him and them. After a moment of thought he pulled the pistol away from Roxanne’s temple and shot each of the guards. Two cubes fell to the floor.
Roxanne Ritchi seemed to radiate smugness as she narrated the confrontation for the recorder.
“As I was saying, fiction is a great place to go for inspiration, just ask any Trekkie that went on to be an astronaut, however it is not my only source.”
“Oh?”
“One of my most clever inventions to date, the Mirage of Men-ace, was inspired by a vase I saw in the window of an art gallery,” he slowed as they approached a security door, “Punch in the code 3695.”
“I have an off the record question,” she said as she complied, pausing the tape recorder with the other hand, “the way you mispronounce random words, accent?”
“I learn most words through reading, I simply pronounce them the way that would be most logical.”
“Hm, if only language was logical,” she said, sounding almost sympathetic, then she confessed, “I mispronounced the word ‘subtle’ until my first job out of college.”
“The silent ‘b’?”
“Yep.”
“You think I could make a machine that somehow eradicates silent letters?” he said thoughtfully, “Hm, I should look into that.”
Roxanne snorted, “So you draw inspiration from the world around you. Are there any inventions the public doesn’t get to see?”
He glanced down to make sure the recorder was going again before answering.
“Oh, yes, tons,” Megamind heard the sound of running footsteps and paused, pulling her closer and readjusting the pistol against her head to make the most menacing tableau he could when the four guards burst through the next door. They froze, guns already drawn but eyes on Roxanne.
“Hi,” she called.
He growled, “You know, it might help if you showed a little fear.”
“Sorry, I’m a reporter, not an actor.”
“Humph,” he yelled to the men, “Drop your weapons, face the wall and put your hands either side of your head.”
They hesitated, so Megamind grinned sharply, jerked Roxanne in his arms and tapped his nail against the side of his pistol. One of them, the one who was apparently in charge, growled but dropped his gun and walked to the wall. The others followed suit.
Megamind pushed her forward and shot each of the guards in the back then waited patiently for her to note the parts of the interaction the recorder wouldn’t have picked up.
“Yes, there are tons of inventions the public does not get to see, most of them are just me tinkering, seeing what is and isn’t possible, but some are to make my life easier. Better welding methods, a water heater that you install right on the shower head, that sort of thing.”
“Have you ever thought of patenting these inventions?” she asked, “You could make a fortune.”
Megamind hesitated over this question, the truth was he had patented several inventions under various fake names. And yes, he had in fact made a fortune off of them.
“I’m not in it for the money Miss Ritchi,” he purred, “purely for the love of the evil game, and the hatred of Metro Man.”
She held up the recorder so he could see her press the pause button, “That new artificial heart is your work, isn’t it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said haughtily.
“Uh-huh. The science segment I did before this one was about that thing, there are way too many similarities between it and that pump you tried to flood the city with to be a coincidence.”
“Well, maybe they copied my invention.”
“Yeah, or maybe you use legal inventions to fund your illegal activities.”
“So what if I do?”
Roxanne just shrugged and pressed record, “Is there anything you’re experimenting with now?”
Megamind paused at the final door of this corridor, it led to the main prison and they would have to pass by a bunch of other cells to get to the exit. There was a lot that could go wrong in there.
“Alright my dear nosy reporter, we are about to pass through the main cell block, I need you to be on your best behavior,” he said, “put your hand on the door knob, but wait for my signal to open it. As soon as it’s open we are going to walk as quickly as we can to the other side.”
She shifted in his arms, back growing tense for the first time since Megamind had grabbed her. She put her hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath.
“Ready?”
She nodded.
“Open it.”
She turned the knob and he kicked it to make sure it opened far enough for them to both walk through. Together they hurried down the cell block, even as Megamind took in all of the extra guards in the hall.
It would seem the alarm had been raised about his daring escape.
Megamind pulled her to a stop, if he walked too far into the room he would be completely surrounded. He needed to create a distraction. He looked a few of the extra guards in the eye, then glanced at the nearest cell. It was empty. They must have moved the prisoners, probably so he couldn’t start another prison riot. Damn.
He made eye contact with the nearest guard and smirked.
Before any of the guards could act, Megamind pointed the pistol at the pipe of the sprinkler system and pulled the trigger. A section of pipe was dehydrated, but immediately rehydrated as it fell and water poured over it, so that to the guards it looked like he’d simply shot off a piece of pipe.
Megamind kept shooting so water quickly filled the cell block, coating the floor, then he called to the guards, “Oh dearie me, I seem to have made quite the mess. You can’t shoot me without injuring the lovely Miss Ritchi here, and you can’t tase me without electrocuting everybody on the ground floor. Whatever are you going to do?”
“I might kick your ass if this recording gets ruined,” Roxanne grumbled, trying to shield her recorder from the falling water.
“Hush, act scared.”
“No thanks.”
He couldn’t suppress the noisy sigh that tore from his throat, but did manage to suppress his amused grin when she glanced at him over her shoulder. What could he say, she was interesting. But he shoved his amusement aside and forced himself to focus on the matter at hand.
“Move,” he pushed her forward, past the guards. They watched him, hands on their various weapons, glaring and jaws working, but none of them made a move. His bluff had paid off. Water sloshed below their feet, the sound seeming to echo in the tense silence.
He could feel Miss Ritchi’s heartbeat speeding up, but pushed that from his mind as well. He wasn’t expecting to be so physically aware of his hostage, nonetheless he refused to allow himself to be distracted.
Something sloshed behind him.
Megamind turned just in time to see a guard approaching his back with a nightstick raised. Megamind brought Miss Ritchi between them but the large man didn’t even pause, he started to bring the nightstick down, and Megamind was forced to kick him in the stomach in order to keep his hostage from getting hit. There was a sharp wheeze and Megamind kicked the other man in the chin. The man’s head snapped back, throwing his balance back. One more kick to the chest and the guard landed flat on his back, the nightstick clattering noisily beside him. Megamind kicked it into the nearest cell.
He treated the other guards to one more warning glare, then continued on his way. Pulling Miss Ritchi with him.
She was quiet and for a second he thought she might finally appreciate that she was a supervillain’s hostage, but instead she sighed as soon as they were out of the cell block and complained, “Ugh, I really wish they’d allowed me to bring a camera in here. Audio just doesn’t do this whole thing justice.”
“You are the worst hostage I have ever had,” he informed her.
“Really? I thought I’d been doing pretty well,” she began ticking things off on her fingers, “I’m calm, cooperative, haven’t done anything to get us shot, and I’m managing to get through this interview despite the circumstances. What more could you want?”
“How about a scream?”
“I’ll tell you what I told my ex on my birthday,” she looked at him over her shoulder, “if you want me to scream you’re going to have to earn it.”
It took a minute for her meaning to process but when it did he stumbled, for a split second she was the only thing holding him upright. Then he regained his balance and hissed the first thing that came to mind, “Temptress.”
“Oh come on, you’re a supervillain-.”
“Oh good, so you are aware of that fact, I was beginning to wonder.”
“-surely you can handle a dirty joke or two.”
“I will have you know that I am not that kind of villain,” he sniffed, “I may take a woman hostage for a prison break, but there are lines that I will not cross.”
“Hm,” was all she said, then began narrating the short confrontation to the recorder. He was gratified to hear just the barest hint of impressment in her voice when she described his swift take down of the guard.
“Anyways, this is my last question for the science thing, what are you working on right now?”
“The destruction of Metro Man,” he said, automatically.
“Anything else?”
He thought about it, then decided it couldn’t hurt to say, “I’m working on a new AI system to help my Brain Bots keep track of their chores without my input.”
“The cyborg dogs have chores?”
“Well I didn’t make them just so they could eat all my screwdrivers!”
“They eat screwdrivers?”
“They are supposed to-. Oh no you don’t Miss Ritchi, you are not getting any secrets out of me,” he narrowly stopped himself from revealing the Brain Bots were flying recycling centers. If people found out how efficiently his babies processed materials to return them to a state of usefulness they might try to capture them and break them open to figure out how.
“Alright fine,” she sighed gustily, and asked, “any part of that you want stricken from the record?”
He blinked, surprised she was offering, so surprised that he admitted, “Yes, the screwdriver thing, I don’t want people feeding them random garbage and potentially hurting them.”
“You got it,” Roxanne agreed then made a note into the recorder.
They passed a couple more guards, but they didn’t pose any real threat. He took care of them in much the same way he’d taken care of the others.
“So, how long have you been planning this escape?”
“Oh, two years. I built a special gun for it and everything, although the longest delay was luring the guards into a false sense of security, never let it be said that Warden John doesn’t train his people well. It felt like it took forever to get them to relax. I’m very excited I finally got to put this plan into action,” then he frowned, “although, when I pictured this in my head, my hostage had the decency to whimper every now and then.”
“Whimper? Megamind this audio is going on the news, the people don’t need to hear me whimper, they need to hear the truth,” she said, although he didn’t hear anything past his own name.
He hadn’t noticed before, but he liked the way it sounded when she said it. He always liked his name, really, that was why he’d picked it. But it seemed especially fantastic off her lips.
When he didn’t respond other than to direct her through another security door and past the guards on the other side she plowed on, “Do you have a statement about today’s events?”
“A statement? Oh, yes, good idea. Hold on let me think,” he mulled it over for a few minutes, “To the people of Metrocity! Lock your doors and hold your loved ones close for I, Megamind, Incredibly Handsome Master of All Villainy, am once again free. And soon I shall rule our fair city with an iron fist.”
“Ok, got it,” she said, as soon as he had finished his evil laugh.
The guards that were supposed to be at the next door weren’t, and as much as Megamind wanted to believe they’d heard he was coming and ran for their lives, he suspected it actually meant there was another ambush up ahead. Probably right outside the prison if they were smart, close quarters made it easier for him to keep Miss Ritchi between him and the guards.
He mentally assessed the layout right outside the prison and came to the conclusion that a human shield would do him little good. He’d be more likely to escape unscathed if he ditched the reporter and used the pistol to create an opening for himself towards the parking lot.
“Off the record,” he said, then waited until he saw Roxanne press pause on her recorder, “there’s probably going to be a small army waiting for me at the door. I will drop you off in the office behind the check in, the walls are reinforced and should be bulletproof. Wait there until somebody comes to get you.”
She didn’t respond for a long time, “Off the record, try not to die.”
He snorted, “Ah Miss Ritchi, you are as sweet as you are delicate.”
“Is that an insult or a compliment?”
“You’re a clever reporter, figure it out.”
She pressed record again, “So, any hints to your next big scheme?”
He gave her his best sardonic villain laugh, “Ah, ah, ah, that would be telling.”
“Well yeah, kind of my whole job.”
“Hm, but it’s not mine.”
“Fine, the fish guy?”
Megamind tensed, “What about him?”
“Is he a super genius too?”
“Oh,” he hummed in thought, he wasn’t going to answer any questions about Minion, but, “on the record, if any harm comes to Minion I will destroy this planet, perhaps the entire solar system.”
She was silent for a long time, then, “He’s your family?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want me to strike any mention of him from the story?”
Truthfully he wanted to keep that threat in there, but it would probably do more harm than good. It revealed exactly how much Minion meant to him.
“Yes.”
“Done.”
She made note of the strike, then they were silent for a long time.
“Off the record, he’s a genius in the kitchen,” Megamind said, then immediately wondered why he said that.
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
They reached the final door that would lead to the check in and the office where he planned to leave Miss Ritchi. He paused and took a few deep breaths.
“Any final questions?”
“The guy who almost hit me with that stick? Do you know his name?”
“Afraid not, why?”
“I want to interview him and ask why he almost hit me with a stick.”
Megamind laughed and only barely managed to make it sound sinister, “Don’t fear Miss Ritchi, he will surely be fired for that stunt. The warden has a thing about collateral damage.”
“Still. It was a dick move.”
“Come my uncooperative hostage, it’s time for us to part ways. Put your hand on the doorknob and open it on my signal.”
She did as he said and Megamind found himself hoping that the room beyond that door would be full of armed guards. Which was a strange thing to want as it would interfere with his current plan to drop Roxanne off. He would have to keep ahold of her until he was out the prison gates.
“Open.”
She opened it, and the room was not full of armed guards. No, it was so much worse than that.
“Hey,” Metro Man greeted, looking a bit bored.
“Well that’s a bit anticlimactic,” Roxanne mumbled.
“Oh come on,” Megamind groused, “I haven’t even gotten to do anything yet!”
“You took a hostage,” Metro Man pointed out, gesturing at Roxanne.
“Yeah but she barely counts, she didn’t even scream,” Megamind said.
“Hey Megamind, do you want me to strike that statement you gave?” Miss Ritchi interjected.
“Yes,” he sighed miserably, fighting the urge to allow his head to drop as it would mean resting his forehead on her shoulder. It was bad, and baffling, enough that she gave the hand around her waist a sympathetic little pat.
“Done.”
“Alright, come on, let her go. Party’s over.” Metro Man gently pulled Roxanne away, despite the kick Megamind landed against his knee.
“Party hadn’t even begun,” Megamind grumbled, then just to be petty he shot Metro Man in the face with the de-pistol. It didn’t do anything, because of course not, but it did make him feel slightly better.
“Well I had fun,” Miss Ritchi said brightly, “definitely one of the most interesting interviews I’ve ever done.”
“See, she’s not even- ugh.” Megamind groaned as guards came and took his pistol from him, slapping handcuffs on his wrists, which was utterly pointless but yeah, sure, whatever.
“Metro Man, can I get a statement from you about today’s attempted prison break?” Roxanne turned her big blue eyes on Metro Man, who smiled his big stupid thousand watt smile.
“Of course citizen,” he said in his big stupid Metro Man voice.
“Actually, Miss Ritchi, I have one more statement to give,” Megamind decided, and she turned back to him, “This is not the last you will see of me, we will meet again and when we do you won’t be so flippant. No, when next we meet you will learn the meaning of fear!”
She pursed her lips, “So is that an official statement you want broadcasted on the news or…?”
“Oh no my dear Miss Ritchi, that is a promise just for you.”
“Got it. In that case, can you make sure there’s a camera available for our next interview? I have a feeling you are way better at smuggling than I am.”
He glared at her and she stared sunnily back, continuing to deny him so much as a wobbly lip. Usually people smiling in the face of his defeat stung a little, but she had been smiling in the face of his escape so he had a hard time putting any real fire behind his glare. He sighed instead, rolling his eyes and practically dragging his guards out of the room as he stomped back towards his cell.
Behind him Metro Man began making a saccharine speech about always answering the call to protect the citizens of Metro City, even if it interrupted the big game.
Megamind glanced back and caught one more look at Roxanne before the door closed. She appeared rapt with attention, though he couldn’t imagine how such an intelligent woman could be anything but bored by the drivel coming out of Metro Man’s mouth. But then again, the oversized meathead got everything he wanted, deserved or not.
His stomach roiled unpleasantly when he heard Metro Man give one of those loud, all too perfect laughs he used for reporters. He was almost surprised by how disappointed he currently was, although disappointment was to be expected.
Megamind had been setting up this particular prison break for the past two years.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I didn't manage to get anything finished in time for Fluffapalooza. But I did finally manage to repost the sequal to Getting Above Himself to Ao3.
A ‘Vulgar, Lowborn, Scottish Barbarian’ Comes Calling (2962 words) by Joylee
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold
Characters: Belle (Once Upon a Time), Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold, Evil Queen | Regina Mills
Additional Tags: Historical, AU, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Rumbelle is Hope (Once Upon a Time)
Series: Part 2 of A Truth Universally Acknowledged
Summary:
After a delightful conversation with Mr. Gold at a Ball given by her cousins and protectors, Lord and Lady Blanchard, Lady Belle in a moment of impulse invited him to call. Now she must deal with opinions of the household as to the propriety of having a lowborn tradesman calling upon her, and her own growing fascination with the man.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
For @notalwayslate for Rumbelle Secredt Santa 2022. So sorry to be late, but hope you enjoy anyway Summary: Belle’s secret boyfriend, Library Commissioner and town curmudgeon, Mr. Gold comes with a lot of baggage: Legal disputes with his ex; a tween son he’s trying to get visitation with: and it turns out a car full of actual baggage. Belle handles it all with panache and her superpower -- research skills!
Dearest Giftee, a bit of the Real Life has caught up to me as well. But at least your gift is drafted, so, it picked a decent time. I hope you're enjoying slightly calmer times at present, or at least, got your dishwasher sorted out. *crosses fingers*
So sorry to hear that Real Life has caught you as well. Yes, the dishwasher has been replaced. Car is supposed to be replaced, but has not been delivered yet as the dealer needs to finish fixing a bunch of scratches. Apparently the prior owner had some issues with parking.
So other than more snow in the immediate forecast things have settled down. I’m almost looking forward to the snow. It will mean I have an excuse to work from home and since things are fairly slow, and will get slower if there is enough snow, should give me time to catch up on my story and Christmas stuff. Thank heavens for Prime shipping.
Helloooooo, Giftee? *taps mic* Are you well? Hydrated? Eating adequate vegetation? Is Tumblr being an ass-goblin and destroying these asks? I'm banking on the latter so, you know, I guess don't respond if so?
Hello, Santa. Deepest apologies for taking so long to respond. Real Life ™ has been shaking me by the scruff of the neck lately. Thanksgiving, multiple snows (the first flake brings transport in my region to a screeching halt making everything take three times longer than it should) and having to replace a car have slurped up all my time the last two weeks.
So if you’ve started a story and anything I say here is at odds with what you have planned, feel free to continue as you were. I’m sure I’ll be happy with it. All Rumbelle/Anyelle stories are delightful.
Now returning to the notes I started back when I got your ask, before life interfered.
I hope you are looking forward to this year's Rumbelle Secret Santa as much as I am. I have sloughed off on my Rumbelle writing lately and am hoping this will get me going again.
As to the walls. I am simply crap at coming up with prompts. Then I was washing dishes from my early Thanksgiving prep (did I mention my dishwasher died the weekend before Thanksgiving? Yeah, things have been no end of fun here) anyway, I was listening to The Traveling Wilburys, as one does while doing household chores, and it occurred to me that the first line from the refrain of Tweeter and the Monkey Man would be an excellent sort of open ended prompt.
So use it any way you like. Real walls – library, shop or home renovation; magical mishap; Norwester/tornado/hurricane/natural disaster. Metaphorical walls – breaking out of stereotypes, trying to get out of Storybook. Emotional – pretty much any Rumbelle story : )
While I pulled the line from Tweeter and the Monkey Man I didn’t intend to ask for anything involving the rest of the refrain or a Rumbelleing of that story. Not only does it strike me as tough to Rumbelle (and a little depressing despite a really catchy refrain), but the Hades storyline is not my favorite. I don’t think either Belle or Rumple were written particularly in character although Bobby and Emilie did their best with what they were given.
Not to mention I really dislike Zelena. Not crazy about original flavor Hook either. They’re okay for antagonists, but not center stage.
Love AUs. Cursed Storybrooke, no magic, historical, role reversal, fix-it, heck coffee shop, or zombie apocalypse. Enjoy them all.
But whatever you’re in the mood is fine. The way my last couple of weeks.have been going I’m more in the mood for fluff or happy ending than tragedy, but if you want to toss in a little angst along the way that’s fine,
Hope my venting does not put you off. I didn’t realize I needed to until I got going. I’ll tag these Joylee56 Secret Santa to make them easy to find. And hopefully be quicker to respond and in a better mood when next I hear from you.
This is an experiment to see if there really are as few of us as people think.You can also use this to freak out your followers who think you’re 25 or something. Yay!
Hi! Sorry! The January brain fog hit harder than I expected. Nothing real happens in January, they really should remove it from the calendar. But I’m putting a hard deadline on myself to finish this sometime this weekend. I hope your February, a real month, is off to a fantastic start. Much apologies, Santa
Believe me Santa, I understand completely. As evidenced by the fact that I’m only now responding to your message. 2022 seems to have decided to start out with a sprint to make up for the last two years. Don’t beat yourself up. I barely got my act together enough to vote in the TEAS, so I’m not holding anyone one else to any deadlines.
Hello hello! It's your friendly neighborhood back-up santa! I am delighted by your prompt, if only because it gives me a reason to rewatch some things :D I will try to get it to you ASAP. Do you want to know the pairing I've chosen, or be surprised? And how was your New Years? Mine was quiet. I'm excited for the chance to be your santa! Ciao!
Hello Santa. Glad you like the prompt. Please don’t feel you need to kill yourself getting something out. January presents are fun too!
I would love to be surprised. But if you have questions I don’t mind if it’s not..
Our New Year was quiet. COVID numbers are spiking here and we had snow which grinds the city to a halt. So it seemed like something was sending a message that it was a good year to stay home. Hubby opened a bottle of Prosecco and I had a sip (not a drinker) before breaking out the sparkling apple-cranberry juice. But it was nice to relax.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Rumbelle Secret Santa 2021 gift for #thestraggletag
Summary: People are going missing in Storybrooke. Belle, Storybrooke’s new Librarian, is terribly afraid she know why. But can she protect the town without giving away her own secret and risk her new found romance?
Hey Santa here. Sorry for lack of gift today I didn't forget about you but I left my notebook at my Aunt when I went down to her house for Xmas. She's mailing it back to me so I should be able to get it to you at least by NYE.
Again im really sorry and will try to get the gift posted ASAP
No worries. I just posted mine due to spending yesterday digging out from 5 inches of snow and trying to keep our pipes from freezing. We had the coldest day since 1990 yesterday. Brrr. Will look for it when I see it.
Do you prefer a Rumbelle story or Rush/Lacey or Rushbelle?
I am sooo sorry to take so long to get back to you. Home internet was flaky and I didn’t see your message until late today.
I think I might slightly, but only ever so slightly prefer Rumbelle to Rush/Lacey or Rush/belle. But it’s really marginal and if you’d enjoy doing Rush more than Gold I could easily go the other way. Particularly since Stargate Universe has outgrown eligibility in Yuletide this year and so we won't see any new stories for it from that source ; (
