"a/n: wow guess who decided to actually try to write like a real newspaper writer! isn't that craaaaaazy. man and i really can't beat the deadlines, can i?? ..i'm like two weeks late... again..."
BUT HEY, ALSO APPLY FOR THE STEAMBIRD HERE TO BE ABLE TO WORK ON THESE ISSUES AS WELL!!!! If it doesn't work for you, feel free to simply slide into my dms if you're interested : ).
WORST CRIME OF ALL: FLIRTATIOUS WORDPLAY
Chief Alchemist Albedo and General Mahamatra Cyno caught flirting by the Cat’s Tail tavern bartender Diona Katzlein in Mondstadt.
Truly, in the eyes of a young Katzlein Bartender, there is no worse crime other than that of wordplay. In Diona Katzlein’s opinion, however, the one worse thing other than that is flirting. No, no, not flirting, naturally, the young girl’s got nothing against flirting, but flirting with wordplay is the one type of flirting she refuses to stand. And would you ever be able to guess that the people guilty of using wordplay as flirting are none other than the Chief Alchemist of the Knights of Favonius and the Akedemiya’s General Mahamatra?
About two weeks ago, the Chief Alchemist of the KoF and General Mahamatra spotted were exchanging small quips involving the art of wordplay(The usage of homophones and or similar-sounding words with humorous intent), but while admittedly it was mostly wordplay, not all of the lines were. Having popped his head around the corner of a building in the city of Mond, Albedo, the General Mahamatra, Cyno, without a word of greeting, told what is defined by most who have heard his jokes, "A dad joke." However, the General Mahamatra is in fact, not a father.
Unlike most of the other recipients of his jokes, however, Albedo laughed(although it was less of a laugh and more of a huff...) at his normally regarded unfunny joke and even gave one of the same kind. Inspired by this action, Cyno, after gaping in awe, told the alchemist another joke. For a while then, the two exchange jokes with eachother. After exchanging jokes the two began discussing something called "eggcorns," meaning the mishearing of words or phrases.
In the most shocking of twists, the General Mahamatra told a joke about corners and in the smoothest way possible, the Chief Alchemist basically asked him out on a date to a restaurant in a corner. Just like how Cyno's joke said. (The said restaurant being The Good Hunter... which was about a block away.) The General Mahamatra accepted, and so the Chief Alchemist led him over to The Good Hunter Restaurant. Little did the two know that just around the corner by the Adventurer's Guild, was a young girl with feline features. Who, by the way, just so happened to be a bartender at the tavern of the Cat's Tail!
It was Diona. Who, as it is unearthed, is quite very not fond of Wordplay. As Miss Kätzlein describes it, the form of humor is that of "like the ones that middle aged fathers who neglect their children tell. And. Theyre pretty unfunny." The General retorted that it was really just wordplay, but Diona continued to rant about how she heard the Chief Alchemist of the Knights of Favonius using wordplay and was disgusted.
The General Mahamatra quipped that he thought the two were flirting. Shocked and a tad suspicious(having never mentioned a second figure), the girl connected the dots of remembering the familiar white haired dad joke telling figure she saw the other day as being Cyno. Diona immediately confronted him about it, and flustered he had been caught, the General Mahamatra caved and squeaked out an answer. So enraged, the small feline-featured girl berated his sense of humor, telling him his jokes weren't even funny.
Upset and obviously feeling as though he had a point to prove, the General Mahamatra set off away! Most likely to go and share most of his jokes, determined to get a laugh out of the most people possible!
MARRIED…. BUT ALSO NOT MARRIED! SO LET’S GO ON A DINNER DATE.
Fatui Harbingers Pantalone and Dottore who had allegedly to be wed, instead go on a dinner date.
It had been quite the talk of Teyvat when it was found that the two Fatui Harbingers, Ninth and Second, were engaged and set to be wed! Due to odd circumstances(perhaps because of an unseen conflict between the two! Surely, something more than a simple lovers squabble..), the ninth Harbinger, Pantalone was spotted asking the Doctor, il Dottore, out on a (seemingly first)date!
And how cute, readers find, that the Doctor had been planning to ask the Regrator out on a date himself! Although.. It does appear to be that the Regrator beat him to it! Il Dottore had stressed himself out over date planning with several anons and had even gotten jealous after finding out an anon was flirting with the Banker, Pantalone! Of course, it was fine, in the end, because I suppose the Banker only had eyes for the Doctor!
Back in November, the Regrator had given the Doctor a heartfelt marriage proposal, which was rather odd, especially since there was no evidence of any courtship between the two! (Well.. Okay, there were tons of flirtatious banter and prolonged glances.. but.. no official dating.. or anything..) The two were expected to be wed, but after an unexpected period of silence, news of the two resurfaced.. though now the couple are seemingly starting over to engage in a courtship?
Rumors have speculated that the two realized that their skip to marriage was rather too hasty and they needed to take a step back and properly(and officially) start their relationship. So the two, with an evening dinner date on their minds, set out to a restaurant on the Snezhnayan coast to reset their relationship and start from square one! Though, in a post I quote, the Doctor already seems to want to hop into marriage again!
”I’m literally dating a man, who I want to marry. Yes, I am gay.”
(the Doctor, referring to the Regrator)
The Ninth and Second Harbingers of the Fatui, coworkers, comrades, colleagues. The two, so enamored with the other, jumped to the notion of spending the rest of their eternities together. But on second thought, it was improper, rather informal at the least. Taking a step back, the couple decided to start over. For one dinner date at a time, the two will be ready to take the next step once again. So perhaps, in the near future, matching rings will adorn that of the hands of the two Harbingers!
EVERYONE KNOWS.. WELL, EXCEPT YOU. ASK HIM OUT!
Webttore, a well known Dottore segment, believes he is allergic to Tartaglia, a Fatui Harbinger. Why, you may ask? Keep reading to find out!
The Fatui have an ongoing trend to which, at the moment, seems to have no end. The trend? What trend? The undeniable trend of Fatui members being pressed with odd allegations of all sorts—usually having to do with romantic endeavors. And would you look at that! The next victim of this little trend is none other than the Dottore(Second Harbinger, The Doctor, Il Dottore) segment himself, Webttore, who was said to be “half gay” by the Ninth Harbinger, Pantalone(Il Dottore’s boyfriend).
The Regrator, while having been asked how to be “gayer” by the boisterous Arataki Itto, referred to Webttore for reference as a figure who could offer the man more tips. The Dottore Segment himself flusteredly whispered that Pantalone didn’t have to expose him so badly like that. The Banker’s reaction to this information was to go on a small rant on how everybody knew how bisexual the guy was except for himself. The Dottore segment, thinking that the man courting his prime body had a good point, listened intently. Pantalone encouraged the younger segment to go and ask out his (obvious) crush, the eleventh Fatui Harbinger, Tartaglia or Childe.
Another voice of opinion to Webttore’s little crush.. Alright, so perhaps not much of an opinion, more of just a flabbergasted reaction was what the Cryo Archon, the Tsaritsa provided. The Dottore Segment, who was unable to deduct the source of his feelings, sought out the Archon, asking if he was “allergic to the ginger because of his “getting red when he thinks about him and his heart rate going up” in Childe’s vicinity. The Tsaritsa, so appalled at the mint-haired man’s deduction, could only utter out a simple, “What the fuck?”
Overall, the toothpaste segment man was able to realize something about himself he never knew before! And besides that, he was able to (with the help of a boatload of notes he had taken before hand,) ask his alleged crush out on a dinner date! Truly following in the steps of his prime body.
NO!! BAD ONI! BAD! WE ARE NOT DEEPFRYING FLOWERS AGAIN!!!
Arataki Itto wants to eat a hibiscus flower, so Pink Hibiscus anon suggests that they may be good tasting deepfried. Naturally, the Wanmin Chef Xiangling Mao had to answer the call and- hey! Wait! Didn't we do already do this a few months ago?!
Liyue, the nation of Contracts, may as well also be known as the nation of deep frying flowers. Of course, it’s happened only once, and almost happened twice, but that enough is plenty of times! This can all be blamed on the talented, young chef, Xiangling Mao of Wanmin Restaurant. What happened, may you ask? Well, on January 13th, the leader of the Arataki Gang asked a new anon, Pink Hibiscus anon what a hibiscus was and if it were edible! Pink Hibiscus answered that yes, they are indeed edible! In fact, the anon even suggested that they would taste good deep fried… Ah.. surely you can see where this is going now.
To continue on, the Arataki Gang leader decided he’d be grilling the flowers like roasting lavender melon. The young chef, Xiangling Mao, happened to pass by the oni and the anon, so she slid into the conversation, offering to deep fry the flowers with a silly look on her face. Excitedly, the oni pumped his fist into the air and celebrated. Now, who could guess that another member of the first deep fried flower incident would show up too! It was Mondstadt’s Outrider, Amber, who pleaded to the chef to spare the oni’s life and begged Itto to not eat the flowers, saying that he may die eating the flowers. Xinyan, yet ANOTHER member of the first of the deep fried flower situations, shrugged as she passed by, saying that the flowers were totally edible and that Xiangling’s food was really good, thus encouraging the unsuspecting oni to eat the flowers. Happily, the chef grinned at her rock and roll singing friend and frowned at the outrider for slandering her food, demanding she come over and eat the deepfried hibiscus flower. Yanfei, albeit rather late, but finally arriving at the scene, begged the Outrider to not “succumb” and eat them.
Eh! It’s fine, no matter. Maybe there was a (temporary) casualty due to the deadly side effects of Chef Mao’s… creative cooking, but to us at the Steambird and the rest of you reading this, we may never find out! Simply leave it up to your imagination to interpret what happened to the group! Though.. The most reasonable answer to come up with may just be that the oni downed a ridiculous amount of deep fried pink hibiscus flowers and started spewing loads of steam from his ears.
NINTH FATUI HARBINGER AND CAPTAIN OF THE CRUX: ROMANTIC ADVICE FROM SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT PEOPLE
Beidou and Pantalone give Arataki Itto advice on his romantic endeavors, and while talking to Beidou, Ayato pops in after hearing his name mentioned and… things.. Say.. escalate.
If you were to go up to the Captain of the Crux, Beidou, who had slain the sea monster Haishan and called her sexy to her face, do you think that after that the woman would give you romantic advice? Surely not, but perhaps because it was Arataki Itto who did this, (and of course it was Arataki Itto, him always getting into such situations, the man,) he was able to walk away unscathed. Because Arataki Itto called Beidou "sexy lady" and proceeded to receive romantic advice from the woman. Did I also mention he called the Ninth Fatui Harbinger gay and also received romantic advice from the man.
A few weeks ago, Arataki Itto Numero Uno, Leader of the Arataki Gang approached the Captain of the Crux, calling her "sexy", though in a lighthearted manner. The two had a loud, yet fun, and simple conversation before the two suddenly started talking about liking the same gender, to which the Captain began giving him pointers on how to realize who he may have a crush on and what his sexuality is. Arataki, deep in thought, admitted that he wanted to kiss his "bro", Kamisato Ayato, leader of the Kamisato Clan on the lips. The Kamisato Clan's leader had been conveniently passing by at the time.
Naturally, Itto, being the flustered oni he was, asked if Ayato wanted to kiss. Truly a man ahead of his time, because Archons, damn it. It worked. The two kissed and Arataki Itto was... Very aggressive with it! Okay! Now let's backtrack a bit! See, Arataki Itto probably was so harsh with his.. smooching, because a while back, the oni had asked Pantalone, the Ninth Fatui Harbinger for pointers on kissing. The Regrator had simply shrugged and told him that he needed to display a ton of emotion and passion.. to which the oni had interpreted as.. a hell of a lot of passion.
In fact, while the two were discussing their odd romantic positioning and the Captain of the Crux Fleet awkwardly scoot away, it was uncovered that the oni apparently had his drink spiked and the Kamisato Clan Leader slept with the Leader of the Arataki Gang. And then they start dating because Arataki Itto asks the Kamisato Clan leader to be his boyfriend.
Truths having been discovered and feelings being resolved, the two were able to sort out some issues and kiss. Repetitively. Alas, I do suppose all's well ends well! And with a small mumble from the oni, the two probably have many dates to go on as a new couple.
A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES! ...A BALL OF BLUE FLUFF?
Il Dottore's latest segment surfaces to of the public eye. And who would be able to guess that it's a small, teeny adorable ball of fluff!
WOAH.. TALK ABOUT A BIG FAMILY! WHERE DOES HE GET ALL THE MONEY FOR IT? ..OH WAIT. THAT'S THE FATUI'S BANKER.
The Regrator adopts the youngest of Dottore segments, being a small child with the familiar toothpaste colored hair.
HOLY MOLY! LIKE MOLE? LIKE, WHY ARE TEYVAT'S INHABITANTS ALL MOLES? AH... ALRIGHT, FINE, IT'S MOSTLY WORMS I JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT JOKE.
Teyvat is taken by storm by the uprising of vision wielders and non-vision wielders alike being turned into miscellanious creatures such as worms on string, moles, and cats.
Doctor Baizhu of the Bubu Pharmacy and the Ninth Fatui Harbinger Pantalone discuss how Pantalone’s days are numbered because of his usage of his Delusion, the first conversation they’ve likely had after years, with their wording hinting at the two being allegedly brothers who went their separate ways as they went into adulthood. Apparently, the Regrator had wronged the Doctor a long, long time ago, but the two are able to put their differences aside and forgive eachother.
- accounts mentioned/articles -
@diona-official , @albedo-official , @cyno-the-adventurer. @dottore-official , @regrator-pantalone. @webttore-official , @blxdesofglory , @the-tsaritsa-official. @autistic-arataki-itto, @xiangling-official , @pink-hibiscus-anon , @yanfei-official, @ask-outrider-amber , @xinyan-official. @beidou-official , @kamisato-ayato-official.
- bonus accounts (TO WHICH ARE EXACTLY) mentioned/headlines -
@bubu-pharmacy-doctor, @young-zandik-official , @creature-dottore
original work of @charlotte-official with the help of her gracious team(of atm two, including herself) at @steambird-mods. Most notably because I am eternally grateful to my assistant @ask-delphine-lamoureuse for saving me and writing like half of the articles when I only had half of the first headline written.. Ahhh how I love writing articles… I simply fall behind on writing sometimes, however.
(another) small reminder that steambird applications are open! and are here. If it is preferred, you can always drop me a dm instead where I can interview you : ).
