@solkynāĀ Ā asked Ā Ā : Ā Ā āĀ Ā grab ahold of my hand .Ā Ā āĀ Ā :pleading face:
here there is a door that you will knock on,Ā Ā that will only open as soon as youāve turned away,Ā Ā andĀ Ā isnātĀ thatĀ somethingĀ ?Ā Ā Ā here,Ā Ā even in this life,Ā Ā even here, Ā in the face of winter Ā : Ā Ā do we starve? Ā Ā Ā doĀ weĀ leaveĀ theĀ lightĀ behind ?Ā Ā Ā Ā even at the beginning, Ā where things begin to come whistling into the bright curl of cooling days,Ā Ā willĀ youĀ admitĀ toĀ sharpness ?Ā Ā Ā to fear?Ā Ā to stand and attest to their memory,Ā Ā of how much of this you still cannot say aloud,Ā Ā how much you still attempt,Ā Ā weighted and strung?Ā Ā all your life,Ā Ā theĀ sameĀ storyĀ Ā Ā āāāĀ Ā Ā here, Ā where you are holding out your hands,Ā Ā here,Ā Ā tired and cold,Ā Ā your hands closing emptyĀ Ā āāāĀ Ā to hope andĀ Ā hopeĀ for light,Ā Ā and to remain,Ā Ā in the still and quiet dark,Ā over and again.Ā Ā to want to changeĀ Ā :Ā Ā Ā isnātĀ thatĀ somethingĀ ?
back in a time when you are young,Ā Ā you climb out of your window into the darkest part of night to watch light leak out from the citadel,Ā Ā a witness to you,Ā Ā to your whole life,Ā Ā a tall thing on the horizon.Ā Ā its steady - warm glow is so far from your home that you can douse its light out with just the flat shape of your hand,Ā Ā and watch the way it brightens and outlines the edges of your palm,Ā Ā your fingers,Ā Ā how that lightĀ Ā Ā becomesĀ aĀ pieceĀ ofĀ youĀ Ā that you can almost still feel when you leave the window ajar,Ā Ā when you climb back into bed and turn over,Ā Ā hear the crickets,Ā Ā hear your father breathing slow,Ā Ā as you fall back asleep.
theĀ tragedyĀ Ā : Ā Ā it wonāt last.Ā Ā and i know,Ā Ā i know,Ā Ā you want it to last,Ā Ā but it will be gone when you wake in the morning.Ā Ā it wonāt come with you,Ā Ā into the days ahead,Ā Ā but you will remember it,Ā Ā that it was like nothing else,Ā Ā Ā thatĀ feeling, Ā Ā as if the whole world had come to a standstill,Ā Ā like the whole world was coming to,Ā Ā was Ā wide Ā awake,Ā Ā Ā was Ā listening,Ā Ā Ā for just a moment,Ā Ā in the early dawn.
there is only one day a year when the entire kingdom goes dark.Ā Ā it is a day so quiet,Ā Ā so still,Ā Ā as if even the land itself holds its breath in sympathy.Ā Ā it is a day where your father takes your hand just before dusk,Ā Ā and brings you down to the riverbank outside the kingdomās center,Ā Ā watching as itās people gather tightly together, Ā holding close every ray of all of their light,Ā Ā and then Ā Ā āāāā Ā Ā givingĀ itĀ away,Ā Ā Ā just like that,Ā Ā hands releasing their homemade stars into the night,Ā Ā or something just close enough to it.Ā Ā it is a strange thing,Ā Ā toĀ feelĀ soĀ young,Ā Ā in a light like that.Ā Ā like a dawn you could just touch the edges of, Ā if you reached out your hand far enough.Ā Ā like if you tried,Ā Ā you could find the weakest point of the sky and pass through it,Ā Ā Ā toĀ theĀ softestĀ homeĀ ofĀ summer.
butĀ summerĀ ends,Ā Ā Ā summer closes itself away,Ā Ā and fear is a harsh thing that descends in its place,Ā Ā slowly sweeping into empty fields,Ā Ā ringing in your ears,Ā Ā settling into this world so delicatelyĀ Ā āāāĀ Ā like a first snowfall,Ā Ā like the first chill that reaches into you,Ā Ā shelters you aĀ new home,Ā Ā alreadyĀ abandonedĀ Ā Ā āāāĀ Ā how it folds itself so neatly into your bones.Ā Ā Ā youĀ areĀ soĀ afraid,Ā Ā and so cold,Ā Ā how this fear hugs so close to your heart you feel as if you might become itĀ Ā Ā /Ā Ā Ā to become all but burning in this aftermath of light,Ā Ā alone in this place where warmth is supposed to grow,Ā Ā used to grow,Ā Ā Ā but the sun has gone.
but you want to believe.Ā Ā you want to hold onto something,Ā Ā to belong to something,Ā Ā to not leave any more miracles behind,Ā Ā and soĀ Ā Ā : Ā Ā youĀ reachĀ out. Ā you reach and you take her hand and find it warm,Ā Ā find it open and waiting for your own,Ā Ā and suddenly you are remindedĀ Ā Ā :Ā Ā Ā Ā nothingĀ isĀ lostĀ forever. Ā
how clear memory holds those old warm days,Ā Ā how it stretches them out across seasons,Ā Ā and you rememberĀ Ā āāĀ Ā the day you heard the news,Ā Ā how it had trickled slowly out to the edges of the kingdom,Ā Ā howĀ the lost princess had been found. Ā how it was a story so gentle and good that itĀ Ā Ā /Ā Ā keptĀ outĀ loneliness,Ā Ā for a little while.Ā Ā you remember the development of summer - fall days,Ā Ā how the kingdom shifted and rearranged itself to come up to meet her,Ā Ā and in turn,Ā Ā how she did not just bring a flickering candle to the streets of people so long used to the mourning - dim dark.Ā Ā no,Ā Ā insteadĀ Ā sheĀ litĀ upĀ theĀ entireĀ kingdom,Ā Ā Ā bringing with her a new dawn,Ā Ā and even out here,Ā Ā so far from those cobblestone streets,Ā Ā even hereĀ Ā āāĀ Ā you could see how her compassion soaked the sky a new color every night,Ā Ā how there was not a single Ā inchĀ of emptiness left to the dark. Ā
you look at her,Ā Ā now,Ā Ā with her strength,Ā Ā and her kindness,Ā Ā and you think thatĀ Ā maybeĀ loveĀ isĀ biggerĀ thanĀ grief.Ā Ā Ā you look at her,Ā Ā here,Ā Ā even in all of your winter - dark, Ā and there is a moment where think you can see that same light leaking around the edges of her,Ā Ā even brighter than you remember,Ā Ā from so long ago.
āĀ Ā Ā okay.Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā soft-spoken,Ā Ā before a pause,Ā Ā a recollection of shivering days,Ā Ā
and then,Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā iĀ -āĀ Ā Ā iĀ trustĀ you.Ā Ā ā Ā Ā there is so much more here you want to say,Ā Ā to speak aloud into this quiet air,Ā Ā but maybeĀ Ā āāĀ Ā maybe this is a place to begin.Ā Ā aĀ startingĀ point,Ā Ā Ā for so much more than this,Ā Ā for everything you do not yet know how to say,Ā Ā and of course,Ā Ā Ā of course,Ā Ā it isnāt easy,Ā Ā it never is,Ā Ā Ā and it always hurts,Ā Ā i know.Ā Ā Ā believeĀ me,Ā Ā these words say,Ā Ā Ā i am so afraid to admit that maybe love is just another thing i do not deserve. Ā i am trying to love the right way, Ā like you do,Ā Ā to let the light in.Ā Ā Ā iĀ amĀ tryingĀ toĀ getĀ itĀ justĀ right.
