Alea

Suffolk

[aleastott]

After a week of attempting to commit suicide, it’s all I can think about. About how I know I need help but I don’t want it as I feel like I have more things to worry about.

I had never been so scared in my life but all because I was scared of upsetting my parents. When in true honesty all I wanted was just some love and comfort... but I’ve never really had that.

All I have had is people try to show me what love can be like, but they turn into manipulation, a weakness and feeling nothing but trapped; as if the world wasn’t going to turn without that person and I relied on them for my happiness.

All I want is just for someone to truly love me. To comfort me. For someone to not use my past against me amd to use my weaknesses against me. I just want to feel loved for once.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just wondering why I’ve never been good enough.

They always say that in anger and under the influence is when you speak the truth unintentionally. And now I’ve come to believe that it’s true.

[aleastott]

Why did you do this to me? Make me feel to the point where I can’t love ever again? I mean you never loved me and it’s been proven as if you did you’d of never asked for a break nor would if slept with Sara! If you truly loved me you would of fought for me which you didn’t. So don’t come around and say you care about me when you don’t as it’s pretty clear... I actually can’t believe at how you have made me feel and how you made me feel as a person. I just wish you knew how much you hurt me. I wish you realised at how much you fucked me up. And at how much you fucked me up. You messed with my head so bad, but yet you don’t care.... I don’t even know why I’m messaging you as it’s clear you don’t care. But I just thought out of 3 years you would of had a little bit of respect for me rather than lie to my face....

[aleastott]

You fucking destroyed me. You made me feel so trapped and so alone to the point where I felt as if I was alone through everything. And to gain some love and affection from you I thought that ending my life was the answer... you put me through so much physical and emotional pain that I now struggle to actually face day to day challenges. You made me think that it was normal when it wasn’t. I fucking self harmed myself because I had flashbacks of you all because I was scared of you coming back and doing it all again. You’ve made me scared to love again because I’m so scared of someone doing the exact same as what you did to me. I wish I could hurt you back and make you feel the way you made me feel. I’m so broken that I don’t think anyone could love me. You know what’s happened in my life and for you to treat me like that you thought it was okay. I guess people can hide their true colours very well. I’ve turned to drinking to try and drown the thoughts away and I’m hurting myself as I just want to feel something. I’ve never felt so numb before and this is my fault for allowing this to happen to me. I wish I was stronger and more confident to of stuck up for myself rather than allowed you to do this to me. I guess I’m just as bad as you for allowing you to get to me and do all of this to me. But I guess I’m the one who’s having to hurt and grieve over this. Not like I’ve not had to do it before...

[aleastott]

This time last year I was on the edge of ending my life. I missed my college lessons and didn’t speak to anyone for weeks. All because I relied on someone to give me happiness when all they did was break me instead. To anyone who thinks they need someone in the life to give them happiness, you are wrong! The past couple of months I’ve had people walk in and out of my life and it’s made me realise who’s really there for me. I have so many friends that I know love me and care about me and will be there for at my time of need if I needed them. I know I have family that I can always rely on and who I can ask for comfort. I don’t need anyone in my life to tell me otherwise... you want to come into my life, fuck everything up, go ahead. As I promise you I will turn cold hearted within a second. Don’t hesitate me as it doesn’t phase darling. You want to come into my life to just leave? Feel free and I know that the only person I really really need is myself.

[imalreadyadeadbitch]

I’m a background character in everyone’s life. I’m not important to anyone. I don’t even matter.

[aleastott]

[aleastott]

I love you

I didn't think loving someone so much could break you so much. I just want things back to normal. Where I was happy and had everything I could ask for. I miss feeling loved and feeling comforted. I just want to feel wanted again as Im being to feel as if no one cares about me. I feel so alone and worthless and all I want is you.. Ive always wanted you and I would go on my hands and knees to bring you back. But I guess I cant... I just want you to know that with whatever you decide to do in life that I wish you all the love and support that I have left in me. Yes you broke my heart but I know that Im not the only one suffering. 

I just want to see your smile one last time, hear your laugh, see you cry, feel you in my arms again and hear your warm beating heart as I lay on your chest again. I want you to be here again to comfort me and to tell me everything will be okay even though you know it wont be. I want you to put a smile on my face again. I want you to make me laugh as I cry and tell me that Im beautiful... just like you used to do... I miss your voice and wish I could hear it in person one last time. But most importantly I wish you knew how much I cared for you. I had everything planned with you and no matter who comes into my life they will never make me feel the way you did. I wish I hadn't of said the things I did to you and about you and it eats me up knowing that I made someone I love feel the way I do on a day to day basis and mines no ones fault but my own. I wish you loved me that little bit more and hugged me a little bit more and held me more inn your arms as I cried from fear. I always knew that somethings happen for a reason, and you have always told me this too. But I wish this never happened. I wish I still woke up next to you every morning and went to sleep next to you every night. I wish you could see my mind and see what I think about everyday... as I don't know how much I can take it anymore. Especially knowing that your no longer my safe zone and my shoulder to cry on. 

Its becoming so difficult to hide it now, Ive managed to do it for 2 months and its been the most difficult thing in my life. And I believe that I can be quite good at it. I just want you to be honest with me. Was it me that made you leave? Was I too much? Did I put too much pressure on you? Did I make you feel shit majority of the time? Did I put you down to the point you didn't want to be here anymore? If I did Im so so fucking sorry and I wish I had of changed for you.. but now its too late and Ive lost the one person that I truly loved and the one person that made me feel loved. I don't care about what most people think to me posting this apart from your opinion. I wish you was here with me so I could shout and scream my emotions to you and have you hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I know you cant, and I understand why. 

Just remember that I love you and always will. No matter who comes in and out of my life, you will never be forgotten. You will always have a place in my heart and I hope I will always have a piece of yours. 

To anyone that knows me, if there’s ever a day where im not here anymore, please to god make sure he’s okay.

[rantsofafrustratedsoul]

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