The Stand-Alone Project

In this world, you gotta count on yourself. Alex Standall. 20. Male. My ask box is always open.

[alex-stands-alone]

40/40

Well... I guess that’s it. The final 40. After 3+ years on this hellsite, it’s finally come to an end. I don’t know if I’ll be back, ever. Some would probably say I’ve been gone for years already, and I’ve just been trying to resuscitate what’s already gone. I was just trying to hold on a little longer... but I guess you can’t force these things.

Thank you for all the memories. ‘Til we meet again.

- Your Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

39/40

I love you, you piece of shit. You know the rest.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

38/40

Isn’t my mother pretty?

I probably shouldn’t have said that thing about my dad being the one I can turn to, because my mother shares that same spot with him. Right there, beside him.

She’s seen me at my absolute ugliest, at my rock bottom, in the hospital when I was at my roughest and lowest. The fucking frontliner of my life. And I’m so fucking lucky to have a family that’s like this. That’s grown and changed for the better. And I’ve grown and changed with them.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

37/40

I think Most Improved would definitely have to go to my dad. He eventually saw my struggles, the ones I so desperately wanted to keep from him, and helped me through them.

Never in my life did I think he would become that parent for me. I wouldn’t say he was a bad father, but his love was misplaced. And I, being how young I was at the time, didn’t know where or how to look for it. Or how to get his help finding it. But he’s here now. And he’s the one I can count on, I think. Out of everybody.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

36/40

Jessica Davis... when I talk about strong women, I usually go straight to Jess. She’s a fighter, believe me. I’ve been on the receiving end of that right hook, and it’s a fast and bony one.

She has a way of tearing you down with her words, but she can also pick you back up with them at a moment’s notice. A natural born leader. Basically the love of my life, if it weren’t for the whole she’s not actually attracted to me thing, which I totally get. And yet we’re still totally in love, or as in love best friends can be.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

35/40

Zach... I don’t even think I really need to express it here because he’s not the kind of self-serving, narcissistic cheeseball that the rest of us are, even though he has his moments.

Zach, buddy, I love you. Forever. And you know that.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

34/40

There’s something new about Clay Jensen. He’s a little more bold and a lot more confident than when I started this little page. And he’s not as obnoxious, either. Although there are those days when he’s even more obnoxious than before, and I can’t fault him for that.

See, the thing you need to know about all these people is that we all went through the same shit. And it affected Clay probably the most out of all of us. And he’s been the loudest voice, and the hardest fighter. He’s a brother for life.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

33/40

Sorry about the post break. Just had way too much fun on Zoom with these goons for way too long.

I guess there will be some posts on New Year’s Day after all.

Love you all. Fuck 2020.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

32/40

I don’t see much of Sheri these days. Then again, I don’t really see much of anyone these days. And no, you can’t pull me out of my house with disgusting, coronavirus-infested people. I deal with enough of that with my mom being in the frontlines.

This is all to say that I miss her. I miss her texting me to get my shit together, and to just fucking write the song, or something like that. She kicks my ass, but in that kind but stern kind of way. And I love her.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

31/40

We’re gonna talk about my parents now. And the Breakfast Club gang group thing. I love them all. And I’m going to keep it short because I’ve done this for most of them already. But just know that they’re the most important people to me.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

30/40

Tony Padilla is a man who needs no reason, needs no motive or reward or benefit, he will go above and beyond to be there for his friends and family. For the people he loves.

The guy doesn’t really fuck with me, and he’s not someone I immediately turn to, either. But he’s always there, by my side, whenever I need him. I’ve never ever had a person like that in my life. And I need you all to know how lucky I am that I know I can rely on this guy.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

29/40

Good ol’ Tyler.

I feel like we’ve been growing together, him and I. Growing past all our shared trauma and experiences... all of our shit, you know? The kind of shit kids like us shouldn’t have experienced, and yet we did.

This Tyler is not the same Tyler I first met. My god, has this guy grown. And I’m fucking proud.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

28/40

Kevin Porter. A man not known for too many words, and sometimes when he does speak, he says not the right thing.

He was our counselor for a year or two... That time blurs all together that I don’t quite remember how long or how short people were with us. He didn’t do much help, I have to admit. And he was not always there when we needed him the most. But the man had the right heart. And there’s not much more than I can expect.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

27/40

This is Mrs. Baker. Hannah’s ever-fierce, ever-strong mother. She’s a pillar of power, and I would like to dedicate this post to her. A short letter, perhaps.

To her, I would like to say sorry. For whatever my part was in her loss, as well as not helping to pick her up during the aftermath. I was a scared little child. I still am. And I didn’t know how to help her. I couldn’t even help myself.

If I could change everything about those days, and the days before, I would.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

26/40

I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about this guy. His name is Jeff Atkins. He’s an angel. Literally, now.

He was our school’s first loss, and in effect, mine as well, you might say. He was... a friend. One of the truly good ones.

I regret that I can’t say too much about him, or his character. You’d have to ask his closest for that. But what I can say is that I never felt any animosity from him. Only the warmest, nicest conversations. And it gave me hope that one could find goodness from the most surprising places.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

25/40

First, we talk about the bad apples. To get them out of the way.

Don’t let these faces ever deceive you. They have been the rotten root that have spoiled me from ever growing into the kind of man that I hoped to be.

I see this picture, and I still shiver. My spine still turns cold, and yet I don’t relent anymore. I don’t retreat. I don’t wince, and I don’t breathe heavy. I am stronger now. Not that they’re to thank - more to blame, than anything. Nonetheless, my steps are more confident. And I plan on carrying that forward, leaving these fools behind.

- Standall

[alex-stands-alone]

24/40

As we move forward, I wanna talk about all the people in my life that’s been in on this journey with me. The good people that have been by my side through thick and thin, but also the bad people that kept me walking on a thin wire before I found solid ground.

And even though the ground I’m on now seems rather loose and unstable, it is still enough for me to not walk in fear.

- Standall