Alrighty folks!
So! Halloween and the rushing and stress and work that surrounds it (at least in this spooky household) has finally passed, I have the day off before I go back to work, so I’m going to take my time to say a few words about the situation that’s been simmering.
I’m going to start off with one thing. I do not blame anyone for being angry. I do not blame anyone for feeling hurt, or getting mad. You have more than enough right to be angry if I personally hurt you in some way shape or form, and I acknowledge that.
I’m not a politician. I don’t pretend to be right all the time or perfect. And I certainly don’t want people to have to “decide which side” to take.
I’m going to be honest.
I have made mistakes. I am human, I am 18 years old, I don’t even know what I want to do as a future career let alone how to handle situations or people that well. I’m mentally ill and a lil bit socially inept and a PERSON.
I made mistakes. I hurt people. And I am deeply sorry that I did. I always will be.
I am aware I handled some things incorrectly, I’m aware my judgment can get misguided.
But it’s important to realize the world is not black and white. Life isn’t good and evil, right and wrong. Things aren’t as simple as that. Situations are messy and blurry and so are people. And as much as I hate that things can’t be clear and that there’s never a good clear right way to do things? That’s the way of the universe. Life is chaos.
I was in a healthy relationship for a good amount of time. After time there was pressure, there was a future coming up so very fast, I got a job and suddenly I was in WHOLE new territory trying to be more than I was. I did not know how to handle pressure. I did not know how to handle any of it. And between breakdowns between depression and anxiety and work and home and future and relationship I did start to crack. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared, and I started to fall out of love.
This is NO fault but MY OWN.
But it still stands true. I handled a lot wrong out of fear. I didn’t know what to about any of it. It’s hard to see clearly or think clearly in the metaphorical storm.
I was scared of what would happen to the person I cared about if I left. I was an outlet and a support for her as best as I could be, and she loved me and I did not want to take that away. I wanted what was best for her so I thought If i stayed, i could bring myself to fall back in love.
You can not force yourself to love.
Trying to force yourself to feel something only makes you feel worse in the end. I know that now.
I reached a point of realization that if I stayed, it wouldn’t be fair. If i stayed i would only get worse but more importantly if i stayed it would not have been fair to her. In any way.
But I was so scared to leave, I wasn’t strong enough to put my foot down.
Hell, she even asked me if I wanted to leave a few times and I panicked and backed out because I felt like If i said yes that would hurt her more. I wanted to do it as gently as possible and that only made it worse.
I know that now.
After months of back and forth with myself i bucked it up and I left as best I could. There was an understanding. It was okay.
But two weeks later she texted me again, in distress, and I panicked. She was hurting and I didn’t want her to hurt.
I wasn’t in love with her sure, but I really really still cared. I wanted her to be safe so I gave her a second chance.
Nothing changed.
I was still scared and unhappy, it still wouldn’t be fair to her to be around that.
I tried to step away again. It became a mess.
My point is, in short, I was scared, I handled a lot wrong and I didn’t know enough about myself or my faults to handle things properly.
I let myself be ruled by fear and I couldn’t find my strength.
I have had friends in support. I have had a close relationship with Skoot, but even that is not black and white. Trying to label it as such has only created more friction.
After all has been said and done i was no where near ready for another relationship. Let alone make any sort of sexual advance or connection. Everything i am in in question and i don’t even know if I would even ever want that sort of connection in my life at the end of the day. Certainly not now and certainly not for a long long time.
I care deeply about and support Skoot, and we talk daily. But assuming the nature of our relationship or trying to label us when we aren’t even certain what we are is out of line.
Clearly what we wanted to call it has shifted so many times over the past few months. Everything is fluid.
Some things are hard to define. Again, that’s the way of the world.
My personal friendships and connections did not affect or interfere with what i had before and they certainly don’t now, and I will not walk away from a supportive and positive connection I have with someone over assumptions and conclusions drawn from someone outside of the situation.
I’ve grown a lot in three months. I’ve stepped down from the online community, I’ve done a lot of thinking and growing on who I am. (Hell I practically ran away to the mountains to find myself or something.)
I strive every day to wake up a better person then when I laid down to sleep the night before, I’m always changing.
And sure I’ll still probably screw stuff up in the future but I will always learn and grow from it. Even If people hurt ME, I forgive and move on and grow.
Everyone makes mistakes. It’s important to own up to them and it’s important to move on.
Let this end here, let us move on. Let us be human.
There’s no point in adding any negativity. There’s no point pointing fingers or taking sides or continuing to stew in bad vibes. The best is to move forward. And that’s what I plan to do.
And I do sincerely hope everyone the absolute best.
That being said, I’m stepping down from social media for a few more weeks. I will be back, I will be posting again. But will be taking hiatus for now. Much love to all, and i will see you guys in December.
I’ve said my piece. @alexa-eve-callout
“Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” - Gautama Buddha
