apropos @alexandra-corral - Tumblr Blog

27 decembre 2025

However the saying goes...you really just need one win. I feel like the universe gave me that at the end of November, most of December. It felt like the winning penalty kick at the world cup, a touchdown at the super bowl, insert cliche sports reference here. I cheesy as it sounds, I felt reborn in every sense - in my career, in my way of living and loving, in my way of being...I saw a glimpse of what my life could be and I don't want it any other way.

I made sure to come home in time for my friend's annual Christmas party and I never felt so out of place...Friends who used to be close and make future plans even though we never actually did them didn't even bother with me anymore. Everyone is in a relationship or has a child and that is their whole world, understandably. I felt so...behind because I have none of those things but my career.

I am proud of myself and my career. I know I have a lot to work on other aspects of my life like love...but I know it will come. I keep seeing the phrase, the wait is longer because the blessing is bigger. I believe it, but it's always hard in the moment.

24 septembre 2025

jealousy, jealousy

I was doomscrolling through TikTok and I found an interesting practice to journal out. Who am I jealous of and why? I'm going to do my own version of this, with pseudonyms of course.

At the current moment, I have an intense jealous for S. My contract at work is coming to an end and the moment I saw a new name on the emails and added to all the work channels, I felt a pit drop in my stomach. Any company would be a fool to not start a new contract worker ASAP especially if my contract is ending in November. She is a lovely person too - I can't even be petty. Everyone seems to love her and is already hitting the ground running....while I fade into the background. It hurts because I started at the company only almost two years ago and was the new kid - I had no idea what I was doing but I think I brought some freshness to the team. Now that I know what I am doing, it's like it's all being taken away from me. I'm going to be remembered as 'this nice girl who used to work there and she was great...but wasn't enough to fight to keep around'. She didn't bring anything special. The other girl worked a difficult international story and speaks another extremely useful language. I'll always just be a memory. Sometimes I wonder if things would've been different if I just sucked it up and stayed in DC. What also hurts is that the DC team is so...old and institutionalized in their ways that it's impossible to get a full time job with this particular team. What does this say about me?

I have always been jealous of my best friend A. She is so sure of who she is. Abundance comes to her without trying. Everyone loves her and she has an energy about her that draws others. She is athletic, beautiful, brave, and always building her skillsets in every single field possible - sports, art, motorcycling even. She hasn't given up on herself even though she is older than me by one year. I have tried to be more like her in every aspect of my life but a part of me doesn't agree with everything she does - over-explaining things, using ChatGPT for therapy, possible being anti vax?! I remember she was talked about how it would be okay if she and her partner decided to amicably split because that's just the end of their story and that's okay. I always worry that she feels that way about me sometimes despite us being friends since childhood and just having this special history. We always talked about how our lives have been so parallel...but I feel that she is blasting forward ahead while I'm inching along my path like a turtle.

We did once talk about how why are we wasting so much energy worrying and being jealous about another person's timeline and not our own? We're inadvertantly adding to their momentum without realizing it. I don't want to do that...I can't do that. I'm trying to look within myself again. I'm trying to find the thing to obsess over that led me to this career I'm in now.

There are so many talks about how this Virgo eclipse is supposed to play out the years 2015-2017 and we have a chance to do it over and make it even better. Those were crazy years for me - I just finished up my Masters in London, moved to DC, worked some really difficult early career journalism jobs, had a really hot boyfriend...and it was honestly some of the best years of my life. How would I make it better? At that point in my life, I realized all these dreams - I was so proud that I made it happen.

What are my dreams now? I want to live abroad again. I want be so in love with life again. I want to be in love. I want to be in a career that excites me and makes me feel like I'm doing something important. I want to have an amazing group of friends (though ironically, none of us are friends anymore) that I can go out to dinners and trips with. I want to have my own space again. I want to just to be the fire I'm meant to be - but a new version of the flame. One that makes sense for me at this time.

09 septembre 2025

she seemed immortal

These last few days have been horrible. I feel like I have been crashing out - so disappointed in where I am in my life, the ending of my work contract coming up at the end of november, never having enough money saved, not being in loving relationship/married, not knowing what I want to do next, wondering if my mom is annoyed with me living at home and is overall disappointed in me. Maybe it's eclipses or some other astrological bullshit, but everything around me feels fragile and inconsequential.

This morning I was feeling especially sad. I noticed that my workplace was training a new person and she is actually someone I had a coffee with once. She's wonderful. But I couldn't help but wonder...how easily replaceable I am. How easily replaceable we all are.

I just learned that my high school principal passed away yesterday. I keep hearing that this is a time of letting go and endings. I really didn't want this to be literal though, universe.

I was texting with my best friends from high school. The way I described her was 'immortal'. I really thought she would live forever.

Nothing really matters in the end. Doesn't the saying go, we are just shadows and dust?

01 septembre 2025

back to school

The unmistakable autumn air is imperceptibly creeping into everyone's conscious. Bouts of cold air hovers through the heated sun rays fighting to remain. Boots are being unironically paired with shorts and mini skirts. I love transitional fashion.

When I was finally done with my overnights in August, the moment August 28 hit, I felt this sudden urge to LOCK IN. Locking in still definitely a more recent....vernacular by the youths. But damnit, I'm 35 and I'm basically still a child, so I will be fucking locking in.

Anyways, something switched in me. Like the light within me decided to reignite with the slightest blue flame. I still have some fight left in me. Some preliminary steps...

The first step - un-rot the brain. Read a goddamn book and actually finish it! No scrolling before bed.

2nd step - get my health in order. I have gained a lot of weight despite being consistent with my girl boss workouts of barre and solidcore. My diet hasn't been great and too many excuses of 'you only have one life to live'. Well, I want to feel and look good, so it's time to fix that.

3rd step - Be brave. Brave enough to be okay with jobs, friendships, etc ending. There is definitely a feeling of endings in the air...but also some incredible new beginnings.

I visited Princeton University with my nieces, Eme and Krystal, yesterday and it also awakened something in me. I remember when I found out one of my old elementary school classmates got into Princeton - along with a slew of other Ivy League schools. I remember feeling the worst I had ever felt in my entire life - I was in such a state of darkness and jealousy...

In retrospect, I wouldn't want the life he has right now - even though it is undeniably a beautiful one. But I feel like I made a whole new association with Princeton yesterday. It's one of hope and excitement for my nieces. It reminded me how much I loved and thrived in academic environments....why can't that be something for me now? Money is always the issue, but I felt such a surge of inspiration and hope. Mybe not for going back to school....but something about the experience is adding to the slowly growing flame.

I like to think that it was my classmate's acceptance into Princeton and my inevitable crash out that was one of the major turning points in my life - for the better. I can't help but hope it's the same this time around.

28 aout 2025

time to start over; again

I can't believe I haven't touched my Tumblr since 2022. A lot has happened since then - friendships formed and lost, layoffs and severance packages, a new job, finally leaving D.C. but moving back home...

It has been a ride, for sure. At 35, it is a ride I did not expect. It's humbling.

I've been intermittently going to D.C. for work but I'm allowed to work remotely. Honestly, this has been the best job situation I have ever been offered in journalism. After everything that has been going on these last few years, however, I have become so jaded because of this industry. The only way I would stay in journalism is if I can continue to work and grow with the company I am with right now...but if that doesn't happen, a hard pivot is necessary.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I like and if I do enjoy something, I can't explain why I like it. I feel like my thoughts and words have become so disjointed over the years. I can blame it on so many things - doomscrolling, pandemic brain rot, depression. How do I get out of this?

Living in my childhood home has been interesting. I moved back last year. A few months later, my younger sister decided to move out with her boyfriend. That did wonders to my mental health and ego as someone who has been so single for the last 8 years with no romantic prospects in sight. But I am happy for her, really.

The contract for my current job is coming to an end and it doesn't look like it will be renewed due to institutional ways. And I haven't been able to get many interviews for other jobs. I like to think this is the universe telling me I need a hard restart.

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase, "Do it scared." The best things in my life have always come from doing things scared. I have evidence and data points to back that up. So why is it so hard for me now? Why can't I move to a new city even without a job? Why can't I ask that person I am interested in on a date? Why can't I just sign up for that darn snowboarding lesson?

It's been a really hard last few months for me mentally. I don't know how I can get out this...but I am going to try my best.

5 October 2022

Next year goals, a running list:

Leave my job for good, for something better - a new career altogether with more money, more responsibilities, in a city i love.

Find my purpose and calling again, be original, put myself out there more. Stop being afraid.

Become more fluent in French.

Travel more to Asia, French-speaking countries, etc.

Put myself out there more when it comes to dating.

2 janvier 2022

I’m sitting on an oatmeal couch, with the clear divided middle showing signs of wear and solitude. I’m sitting on an oatmeal couch in an apartment in Brooklyn, which shows up within the lines of Prospect Heights on Google Maps, but the graffitied walls and street art proudly spell Crown Heights. I’m watching the Joan Didion documentary on Netflix, The Center Will Not Hold. I am getting a sense of deja vu because I know I had I watched that documentary before and had a one line reflection, wondering what The Center Will Not Hold means.

Joan Didion died on December 5, 2021. Her death was more significant to me that I ever thought it to be. When I was studying journalism and reading about the great writers and reporters, Joan Didion easily meant more to me than I understood at that time. I read her major works - Slouching Towards Bethlehem, The White Album, The Age of Magical Thinking - and studied them, trying to find a similar style, writing in this godforsaken Tumblr in hopes of obtaining clips for grad school.

I’m trying to write in hopes of making sense of how I feel these days. I haven’t written in so long, so these thoughts are extremely fragmented and I know whatever I put on this page right now will not be good at all.

I was shooting the breeze with my best friend today in lieu of our weekly check-ins. We are both coming off long vacations of sorts so we were a bit drunk on that haziness, reflecting on the past year. For me, I can’t believe I finally left that Capitol Hill apartment and everything it represented for me. But I can’t seem to be fully present in this Brooklyn apartment because I’m terrified about what will happen 4-5 months from now. I scheduled an apartment viewing for next Monday in DC, and Artemis rightly asked, why am I doing this when the root of my unhappiness was beyond my Capitol Hill apartment? What am I doing this when I hate DC?

This is all I can write now. I’m so tired and I’m trying to clear the writer’s block that has haunted me for the last five years.

r; thoughts 2

reverting to the early aughts

when everything felt both plastic and alive

the appreciation for ‘real’

seems contrived and unnecessary now

a race to see who can manufacture authenticity best

the would-be social stars today, but weren’t back then

now they are heroes and slogans

what is real and what is performance

r; thoughts

night runners

I miss the memories;

and the chance to re-create better ones

freewriting #2

Sometimes I don’t know how much more numbing, escapist, ambient (as the New Yorker is coining it now) content I can take. Will it be when I finally don’t feel human? I look at everything now with half-lidded eyes.

freewriting #1

There is something about those cheesy Christmas movies or shows that elicit memories from all the big moments in my life. This one I am watching right now - Dash & Lily - is reminding me of the first time I fell in love.

I remember my first real date in New York City as an adult. When I was on the PATH train, I saw someone who I had a crush on from my elementary school Tae Kwon Do days. He was wearing a Spiderman costume, ready for Comic-Con, and he chased me after me as I was leaving the PATH station. It felt like that cheesy Christmas moment. He was surprised I remembered his last name, and I made flimsy promises of getting in touch as I rushed to make my way to the date. I honestly can’t remember that first date with who was my first significant love. I literally have no recollection of the restaurant or borough we went to, or what cuisine I ate. I can’t recall if it was brunch or lunch or dinner.

I wonder why I remember that specific, seemingly inconsequential moment sometimes. Aren’t you supposed to remember the story of the romance and not the passing in-betweens? Maybe it was that clear transition of one love to another - that clear phasing into something better, tectonically shifting your fundamental core. I long for that specific moment to happen again.

How many of those beautiful moments are we allotted in our lifetimes?

gothigh2fly

Have you ever had that feeling - that you'd like to go to a whole different place and become a whole different self?

— Haruki Murakami

la fin: 2018

I haven’t done a reflection on past years in quite a long time.

2018 was a strange year for me. It was a continuation of what was one of the most challenging years of my life, regarding my professional and personal development.

In my last post on this website, I made a list of all the things I did in the past year and a half, and it’s impressive by any other standard. I don’t feel like I accomplished anything despite having a record year of traveling, spending more time with my family, and having an overall healthier lifestyle. It’s obvious what the issue is, right? I keep putting my career identity before my personal character. More than that, I made my career define me.

Enough of that bullshit.

2017-2018 was all about just pushing through. It was about grasping for what made me feel alive, even if the moment was ultimately ephemeral (I literally trained for a marathon in six months and dropped all bad food and alcohol - I still don’t know how I did it. Yet I sometimes forget I even ran a marathon). It was about reconnecting with friends and family and realizing for the first time, how awesome my family is. 2018 was about finding a routine in my life and forming better habits, focusing on my physical health, and becoming an actual adult (filing my own taxes! paying for my health insurance! listening to all the news podcasts!).

I know that I am doing all the right things to be more fulfilled, but I know there is so much more I can do and accomplish. 2019 is about trying to figure that out and become unstuck in every aspect of my life.

I saw on this website, a much healthier and better way to look at resolutions. It’s about doing more or less of something. For example:

Hiking / Going out for nature walks

Reading (3 books a month!)

Swimming

Sticking to exercise (2x cardio, barre, weights classes)

Treating myself to massages, spa days, pedicures

Traveling around the US

Spending time with my family

Cooking/meal prep

Practicing French

Taking risks!

Actively creating a plan to move out West

Being honest with myself and others

Letting go

Saving money for the future!

Doing things that make me happy - playing guitar/piano/singing, going to concerts, etc.

Less:

Feeling like I can’t change anything.

Drinking

Being jealous of other people’s successes. Their story is not your story.

Overthinking

Shopping

Sugar/Sweets in general

Negative self-talk

I think these are more feasible because they are things I already do.

2017 was shit. 2018 helped me move the dial slightly to get me going in the right direction. 2019 is about charging forward. I have this thing where I think my odd number years are always terrible, but not anymore - time to smash that way of thinking and believing that every year is going to be the best one yet.

on the last year and a half

If I were to list out everything I did in the past year and a half or so, it would look something like this:

Ran the Marine Corps Marathon - my first marathon and it was painful, but I’m very proud of myself for finishing. I now ran every possible race distance, except the Ultra Marathon which is something I will never, ever do.

Participated in the DC bike ride and biked for 20 miles nonstop (the longest distance I ever biked)

Coached girls for Girls on the Run 2x

Saw Oh Wonder, Bob Dylan, Sam Smith, Taylor Swift, Tinie Tempah, J Balvin in concert.

Went to Daybreaker by myself and felt alive! #dancepartyofone

Traveled a lot - Los Angeles, San Francisco, Miami, Philadelphia, Mexico, Montreal, and Barcelona/Ibiza.

Drove to Shenandoah by myself (this is a big deal, ok?)

Filed taxes by myself!

Pitched a story to PBS Newshour and while it ultimately didn’t work out, I was happy I did it.

Got a job at the World Bank and met the Will to my Grace.

Interviewed fabulous people for The Last Magazine - Ludovic de Saint Sernin, Rokh, Smallhold.

Started a wellness podcast and then stopped, but it helped me reconnect with a really good friend (Abby!)

Started online French lessons with Jocelyne and feeling more and more confident with reading and writing French. I still need a lot of work on speaking, however.

Quit NBC for good!

Got to the final four for a dream NPR position.

Got a job with Al Jazeera and successfully asked for a raise for the first time.

Had my bike wheel stolen by some teen houligans and had it returned all in the same day (it’s a great story and perhaps one that exemplifies the idea that if it’s yours and meant for you, it will always come back to you).

Saw Crazy Rich Asians three times in theater and never felt prouder to be Asian.

My favorite cousin got married and I used to be afraid about what my future spouse would think if he ever met my family and I came to the realization after the wedding that my family is pretty awesome.

These are only some of the bigger things I accomplished in the last year and I know this list-icle reads like a humble brag, but I did all these things to force myself to grow in a time when all I wanted to do was hide away from the world.

I’m trying to ease my way slowly back into writing regularly because I know when I did blog and journal regularly, I was more in tune with myself and frankly, happier.

next year travel goals.

Japan, climb Mt Fuji.

Greece, see all the spots Phil Knight went to that inspired him to create Nike.

Vancouver, road trip to Banff.

Hike the Pacific Crest Trail.

built-to-spill

Monday, July 2, 2018

When I first moved into my new apartment on Capitol Hill, I premeditatedly wanted to make sure that I didn’t buy anything that contained the slightest hint of permanence. Permanence implied that I would be resigning myself to a city I hated. I first came to D.C. with the intention of doing my time in the journalism scene and then going forth into the world, being the international correspondent I dreamt of becoming.

Almost three years later, that clearly hasn’t happened and I am still in that Capitol Hill apartment.

When I mean that I didn’t want to buy anything with the slightest hint of permanence, I’m talking about my furniture. And when anyone thinks of cheap, built-to-spill furniture, IKEA, the Swedish home & furnishing juggernaut, obviously comes to mind.

In the heat of summer, I worked tirelessly building up my blank slate of a room. I bought the cheapest IKEA bed frame and drawers and bedside table, all of which had no finishing on them and were poorly built.

My bed frame had an extra sturdy length of wood that remained and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out where that piece was supposed to go. I still don’t know to this day.

My drawers were also poorly constructed and I constantly have to align each individual drawer with the sliding pegs along the long vertical sides.

A $12 bedside table was also bought at IKEA and is the only thing I know will not break.

My sleek modern looking black & white desk was also IKEA-made, but retrieved for a steal at $20 on Craigslist.

As I said before, this was intentional. An escape plan of sorts. I never wanted to be in the city for as long as I have. Have you ever felt that way about a city and then x number of years later, there you are.

I believe the adage, “Everything happens for a reason.” I wonder what cruel universal forces are keeping me in a place I consider purgatory. I’m starting to believe that my purpose in D.C. is not yet complete. It’s a grating, annoying sentiment when all I want to do is pack up my bags and road trip to every state in America.

I’m going to tell you an anecdote that you’re going to think is ridiculous, reader.

This year, my face broke out in ways I never thought were possible and it lasted for almost 8-9 months. Only now is my skin getting better, despite more than a few acne scars. I joked with my mother that this the universe is telling me to leave my job and once I finally do, my acne will clear up.

You see where I am going with this? Because yeah, it did clear up, and I am in a much better place than I was before.

I think I have to do something before I’m finally let go from the grasps of this city and I’m not sure what it is.

thoughts - 06.10.18

Its disorienting nature was filling the gaps in my head, my psyche, my soul. When other genres aligned too well, I needed something that wouldn't highlight my feelings of inadequacy and mentality of stalemates. I needed the chaos and urgency to pulse through my bloodstream and wake me up.

I don't need a pop song or ballad telling me exactly how I feel. I needed the words that don't make any damn sense. I needed the chaos to prevent me from acknowledging truths.

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