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@alexandragrand-blog
Hello, its me.
Time has a way of moving at light speed.
Where did the time go? It has been a while since I posted. I felt inspired to type today. I don’t know what I am to write about - the Super Bowl, which I did not watch as I do not have a TV. Or, to check in and tell everyone how I am doing.
So much has happened however I feel those should be separate entries.
Happy monday.
There are no words.
Today, I received the worst news I possibly could have. Today my sister called me and told me Lucas, her boyfriend is not responding to his salvage GDP chemotherapy. This means he will no longer be a candidate for an autologuous stem cell transplant. They will now try clinical trials.
I am speechless, with every breath I take I feel nauseated. I can't save her. I can't save him. I don't know what words to offer.
I want to protect her, I want to keep her safe. Experiencing grief and loss is something nobody wants anyone to endure. I am in shock.
I don't know what to do. I know I can be there for both of them, but what makes this devastating and give me a heavy feeling in my chest, is that they have a love that goes deeper than anything I have ever seen.
The love this man has for my sister is beyond anything I have ever seen. I can't save them. I feel so helpless, I feel so worried and scared.
Please, if you read this tonight, say a prayer, be there in any shape or form.
Thank you,
Alex
I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.
Jonathan Safran Foer
Everything you love is here
(via lovequotesrus)
Powerful words.
I have come to realize that there are many days where I have found myself with a terrible attitude. truth is, I don't know why. I have so much to be grateful for and thankful for.
I have my health, I have an incredible family, I have few friends, but the friends I do have are genuine and would do anything for me.
I know there are things I could work on to better myself - and make myself a much more confident person. I need to step out of my comfort zone, and meet new people, rather than staying in my safety zone.
Fear seems to debilitate people to the point where they stop doing things just because.
Tonight I get to meet friends of ours little girl Madelyn, I am so excited to be able to finally meet her, and be a part of her bed time routine.
I often wonder why it is I bail on plans, I like to think it is because I am looking out for myself, but have come to realize its easier doing nothing than something.
I wish this grey rainy day attitude would wash over me, and I could be the bright spirited positive al I was before.
Another thing I realized today as I was reading the Globe and Mail was how much I need a vacation. A place I can call my home for at least a week. Bring my books, and force my self to read front to back. Some place peaceful.
I truly feel that this winter has been one of the worst winters. Not just for me, but for many Torontonians.
Perhaps it is everything I have gone through in the last 6 months with my family, and of course, having the liver transplant and being able to give the gift of life to my dad. Two months have flown by, and I find myself recovering, I have tired days, and days of exhaustion, but I manage to get out and about.
A funny thing came across me the other day. I forgot I had been a living donor. I forgot about the operation. When your living in the moment, it seems you can never escape the experience and journey you are living. But you can.
I forgot everything I had gone through, and realized perhaps I am to hard on myself. Or, perhaps I want my life to go back to normalcy that my impatience and my sense of what the norm is, is clouding my perspective and my ability to sit in my thoughts and truly reflect on what I did, and what has happened.
I find myself asking - "is this it? is this all for alex?". I don't like answering those questions or thinking about them.
I am a 25 year old female, looking for happiness and security, looking for a sense of self, and a community I feel accepted in on a professional and personal level.
I feel I have a hard time articulating and explaining myself, but its almost as if I can't get enough change. That everything I do, I do becasue I am chasing change, chasing a destination where I can hang my hat.
I wonder if other 25 year old girls are going through the same journey, not being a live donor and what comes along with it, but being happy in their life. In their relationship. In their job. Waking up.
Perhaps I do have seasonal affective disorder, and this winter has blurred any inspiration and sense of wonder I could have. Perhaps I am battling some inner demons that need to get unleashed before they can be dealt with. I wonder.
I wonder what I can do to make myself a better person, a happier persona and a person who wants to embrace change and not be so afraid of it at the same time.
I guess it is hard to change so much about your life when you have financial obligations and commitments to be met. I look at other girls my age and my mouth drops with envy. If only I could be like them, have their job, travel more, have a flatter stomach, a brighter outlook.
I don't give myself the credit I deserve. I guess me typing it out makes me feel a tad better, only to show me that I can get from a to b by just being honest.
I must go and deep further into my book. I am one tired girl. Goodnight.
A xo
Dreams
Tonight I write from my bed, where I find myself in my aqua pajamas, snug as a bug.
Today I went to go visit my work place, which was refreshing. Perhaps it was refreshing seeing Katelyn and Sarah's face, especially after all this time.
Both girls seemed very happy and the store looked great. Clean, bright, and some of the bedding and pillows made me want to turn my bedroom into an oasis.
After I spend an hour with them, I had my first committee meeting with the Canadian Liver Foundation. I was excited because, every November the CLF puts on a gala called LIVERight. This year, I have decided to put my event planning to use, and help fundraise, plan, execute, whatever I can for this gala.
Tonight, I got to meet the Regional Director, a liver recipient, and three other people who had been affected by liver disease. It was refreshing being surrounded by a group of wonderful people. People that essentially want to make a change and "unmask" liver disease.
A few themes were thrown out at the meeting, and it was amazing to see how eager people were to start gaining sponsorship and items for the live auction. I had a great feeling the entire meeting. Perhaps I have found my calling, working for not for profit organizations, event planning. I could only dream that something like this could turn into a greater opportunity. I would love to work for the CLF. That would be a dream.
Today, I found my computer. It was in the wooden hutch in our bedroom. I flipped open the sleek lid and turned it on. I found myself writing, again. I just finished reading Ann Patchett's novel, This is the story of a happy marriage." I found it intriguing and inspiring. She shares her secrets to writing, to being a successful writer, what it means to be a writer, and how to write. How to say what your going to do in writing and commit to it.
She says you need to lock yourself up. Turn off your wifi, and just write, even if its just sitting in front of your computer, that is progress. Try not to get distracted, it may not be winning words, it may not be what you had intended, but its something. Thats the problem with writers in this generation, ( I am one of them!) We write to share online, we write to get everything out, perhaps we rush. But when it comes down to it, can we commit to writing - not to rush - not to just share but to understand ourselves?
I hope that makes sense. It sounds deeper than I intended it to. It is amazing how exhausting writing can be. Your 30 minutes deep and already my eyes feel like weights, its all the digging up of old bones, resurfacing memories you hadn't given any thought.
I must say the favourite part of my day, is my cup of Earl Grey tea. Isn't that sad? My life is not busy, but in the middle of my day, this cup of tea makes me feel hopeful, calm.
The other part I look forward to and I never thought I would say this - is Odin and I's afternoon walk. It isn't long and it doesn't change. It is the same 8 minute walk we do. Perhaps it would change if it was warmer, and perhaps I could say that about the timing of it. It isn't until I start writing do I realize how exhausted I really am. I can feel the warmth of my duvet and the coziness of my bedroom calling me.
I write and my writing leads me to so many different topics, I really forget to elaborate on the important stories. I can be writing something, and then another train of thought comes into my head, and I give that energy.
Must run, as another train is coming in to my mind.
Until the next,
Alex
Morning ingredients
Ain't that the truth.
Today is going to be a good day. For the first time in a long time, i woke up at 6 AM. Maybe it was because I had something I was looking forward to doing. Making lemon cranberry muffins and have a cup of coffee.
I also never have a full fridge..but I have fresh eggs, fruit salad, muffin mix and coffee. I was determined to get out of bed and make muffins. And I did.
It felt good starting the day early, however it is only 9:50 and I have no idea what I am going to do with my day.
This morning I looked at my dashboard and wondered how to get more followers on Tumblr. How do you? I wish people would read my blog and write me, or at the very least take an interest in my posts.
Brodin #nickname #bf #gf #loveatfirstsight #yellowlabs #puppiesofinstagram #dogs #alpha
Case of the Sunday Blues
T.S Eliot wrote "April is the cruelest month of the year, breeding lilacs out of the snow..." Perhaps it is the state of mind I am in, the fact, I am cooped up in a house, with no purpose - no where to be, nowhere to go. Can I really complain though? Most people would kill to have some time to themselves, get everything they had on their wish list done. Go to places they had never seen but heard were cool.
I guess with this time off I should see the light in the dark. Although, I am struggling with this. I really wanted to start writing, letting my fingers release all the verbal diarrhea in my head. I wanted to write a book about my life, specifically the past few months. But, I have let my mind and body take over other things.
I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to live for. So why am I sitting at home looking at my bedroom window feeling sorry for myself? There is no excuse. I blame the weather.
Let this be the post where I vent. But I worry about my sister - she is carrying a lot on her shoulders right now but acts as if it is ok - that everything is ok. It is amazing really, and I envy that strength. I want to be happy, in every sense of the word. I want to wake up with a smile, make the time to make a smoothie or take up juicing, go to a job that I love, that I can thrive in without worrying what my weekends look like.
Thing is with these blogs, I never know who is reading them, I don't know if my followers care to read about my posts - or if I am sending some message out into thin air - some other world.
When I was little, I used to have breakdown on Sundays. It was a bitter sweet ending as the weekend would come to a close, and I would have to go to school, when I really wanted to stay at home with my parents. in our house, where I felt protected. Anyways that is enough writing for now.
Alex
I do know that today the sun is out, and I have no reason to feel alone.
All we can do is say a prayer for them Alex, and then go to bed.
Dad (via alexandragrand)
All we can do is say a prayer for them Alex, and then go to bed.
Dad
Hello blog
Dear Blog,
I hope you can forgive me, and my laziness. So much has happened - I feel it unfair to unload all of this on you. So, throughout the next few weeks I will slowly explain what has been going on.
I can do that now - thanks to my dad. Yesterday, he bought me a new beginning. A new laptop. This means that I can start communicating again (besides, it was getting a little tough with my iPhone!) So here I am, back at it. The last time I wrote I spoke of an apartment hunt. Well, if you follow my blog, I should let you know that we ended up getting that apartment, and we spent a year and 10 months there - happy months. In September, we bought a house. Still feels a bit surreal, its in Riverdale. It's a cute house - people ask "well what does it look like?" I respond by saying, "well you can't miss it, its the blue house on the block." I thought the house was our biggest hurdle - especially for 2013. However, the biggest hurdle had yet to come. In July, dad was diagnosed with Hepatocellular Carcinoma. It has been a hell of a journey - and this is just the condensed version. I promise to go into more detail. But for now, I must sign off, this is exhausting.
all my love, al x
