Quintessential chaotic diary

trying hard to make lemonade from all the lemons life throws at me

[alienictragedynut]

*this too shall pass*

We often use this phrase to refer to the passing of tough times, but rarely do we anticipate that tougher times are around the corner. Having to face a difficult year (not just 2020), starting with graduation, a long list of rejections, pandemic, the endless uncertainty and heaps of self-doubt, whenever I thought times can't get worse, Life has surprised me!

Last evening as I was drawing this, when the world outside my window went crumbling down under the mighty cyclone, all I could focus on was "this too shall pass"!

Rn, I'm trying to focus on a tiny flickering light at the end of the tunnel which seems nearer on some days but further away on others, hoping my days will finally turn around for good and peace and happiness will follow with it..

[alienictragedynut]

I don't have an iota of positivity left in me. And, I have begun to detest positive people.

[alienictragedynut]

When the going gets tough, I get going..

[alienictragedynut]

How are some people so clear as to who they love? What they want in life? Their ambition for the next 5years or 10years..

Here, I am always confused.

Is the world Black n' White and I bring in the shades of grey? It's so difficult to know the answer.

When do you know you love a person and that you're in it for the long haul? It sure seems like it in the beginning, the start of a 'relationship'. Then time goes by and you start questioning things. On the other hand, my partner is so sure he loves me. But, I am not sure what I feel. There are good times, times after you've had marvelous sex and you just don't want to leave his arms. Is that love? Then why does it happen only during or after sex, and what is to be done the rest of the time?

At some point in our lives, we've all googled "what is love?". Haven't you? Maybe it's just me. There are beautiful quotes by Charles Bukowski about love, and he was a sex addict, so what to say. It says, we need to work for our love everyday, but is it love if we have to put effort in it everyday, shouldn't it just be effortless. Just happy to spend sometime together, have some good laughs, and then remembering them later. We do that, quite often than never, but it's not enough for me. I think he'll get tired of me eventually, after sometime it will be too much work. Or I will just push him away, like I do everytime.

You see, I don't like being a burden, and sometimes that's exactly what I am. I am too needy, too protective and need all the attention in the world. This guy I am seeing, I call him Boobs, well he does make me happy. He takes very good care of me and takes care of all my panic attacks, my mood swings, which are too often I must say. Maybe I am just an ungrateful bitch. But, I love him. It's just sometimes, when he is busy into his stuff, I feel so lonely. So very lonely. And I don't want to be a burden on him, so I don't tell him, but these thoughts eventually jam my head and I get angry which is always portrayed in him. I think I'll just push him away eventually. I don't like where I am right now, just want to be with always. How needy does that sound..sorry, it's just my head.

I have always found love, but always butt out when it got a bit hard. Will I ever be able to stop feeling this? When will I ever stop feeling so insecure about everything..

[alienictragedynut]

but why..

[alienictragedynut]

Pitter patter rain drops. .. I sit by the window, dreaming of running down to get drenched. The boy across the road, stares up at my window, wishing the rain would stop.

Her_diary

[alienictragedynut]

I think it's important to realise you can miss something, but not want it back.

Paulo Coelho

[alienictragedynut]

I am no longer in love with him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

[alienictragedynut]

Sometimes all you want is a little time, A little longer present. For the world to pace a little slowly, So you can breathe in. But the sun does rise, And the sun does set. The moon changes shape, And the trees do shed their leaves. 'Love' becomes 'loved', Present becomes past. Try to hold the moment, But it slips off your hands. Is it just me, Or has it really been that long. It's a joke, how I have become the one thing I despised the most. It's almost like you want to hold the present, stretch it a little longer, but you can see the moments drifting away.

- her_diary

[alienictragedynut]

Hey there.

So, here I am, back at writing. It's been quite a while since I have been here last, kind of missed it. I guess I have always resorted to writing when I thought I have no one else to tell my problems too, not that I have many. But the little things that go on and on in my head but I can't talk about it aloud. It doesn't matter that no one is reading this, but it helps me clear my head a bit. Don't know why exactly I had the feeling of writing today, but it's mostly because lately I feel lonely. You can say I have friends, also a boyfriend, but can I really call him that? I mean, yes occasional sex is all there is to it. No, there is also love and care, from both sides, but like it has happened before, I think it's ending for me. It is so easy to admit it nowadays I stopped feeling bad. Though I am not telling him right away, I will give it more time before admitting anything because we do have some good laughs here and there. I don't remember the last time I didn't criticized myself when I looked in the mirror and did something without worrying about the opinions of others, and that's sad and it hurts me to my core. It gets really lonely though sometimes, just want someone to talk to. One or two people do sometimes ask me how I actually am but I guess I am not willing to open up to them. I wait for someone, don't know who, to ask me the right questions and I am more than happy to answer. To top it all off, my future is uncertain and I am blank. Like my bio says, I am escaping from I DONT KNOW WHAT! Just that I am unclear and too lazy to figure anything out. Hope it's not too late before I get my head straight. Anyway, it's my boyfriend's birthday in about 20 more minutes, I got him all happy today, all excited for his birthday and now that when he is enjoying I can't help but feel jealous. You see, my birthday was one piece of shit today, I can say the worst birthday of all. Nothing correct happened. Had planned a lot and I guess all that planning got in my head and ruined everything. So basically I am jealous rn and it's pissing me off real bad. I want to go back few years, when I thought those were the worst years but I guess it just keeps getting worse, I realise it, but can't stop it. Guess that's it for tonight. Untill next time. Goodnight.

- her_diary

[alienictragedynut]

Human.

I can hold my breath, I can bite my tongue, I can stay awake for days, if that's what you want. Be your number one. I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh, I can dance and play the part, if that's what you ask. Give you all I am. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, But I'm only human..

[alienictragedynut]

:)

[alienictragedynut]

True love.

We grow up believing that everyone has a one true love, before we come across a few failed relationships. Those that find their true love in their first are the luckiest, I feel. The first, I remember mine, everyone does. They say it's hard to forget your first, true that. Strange but it was best for me at that time, I felt. The first time I went out with someone, first time said my deepest, darkest secrets aloud, first time became passionate, willingly, firsts in all. Life was beautiful until it came tumbling down. I was so naive, believing all he said and following blindly, going against everyone until I lost all hopes on me. Ending it meant life was ending for me, trying to escape reality. Took some time to get back to myself, needed help too. Still tried to search for that ONE. Tried out some small meaningless relationships, until found someone else. This was even better, I thought, took things in a more matured manner. Had a number of seconds now, and a few firsts. He helped me forget, helped me build myself again, made me believe first is just a myth, can happen again. Gave my best 2.5years of life back at home. Things could never be better, until I screw up. Wouldn't call it screw up, because mistakes happen once or twice, not when you repeat it over and over. Shhhh, don't tell, but I am a bad girlfriend. Then comes the final screw up and I leave him. It's the third time now. Could this be my true love? Or is the concept of true love also a myth? Are we served our true loves on a silver platter or do we create our own? When does one know? Do we have time?

[alienictragedynut]

Twisted world.

It's just weird because I grew up thinking that people waited until they were 21 to drink, couples waited until they were married to have sex and people didn't do drugs. I thought you would always end up marrying your soulmate and I thought your friends were your friends and they would never leave your side and everyone your said "I love you" to would say it back. It's just crazy how you grow up with all this love and hope in your heart, and then you are thrown into what you think is a twisted world but it's actually just life and you gotta live it.

[alienictragedynut]

Have we traveled far enough that we can allow our tears to fall?

Her_diary

[alienictragedynut]

I fear life.

Her_diary

[alienictragedynut]

You don't wait for someone to ask you about your past to tell it out aloud, it comes from within. Take your time to open up. No doubt. But don't be too late.