Kayce Bekka

Wattpad @Alienn_Writer This is my writing & stuff. Normal tumblr account: @Gummybearattack143

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August 17,2018

•I feel the color red,

Like a dragon breathing fire.

I forgot everything I did.

Am I a broken record?

I feel the color grey,

Like I’m the color that used to be on the screen but is no more.

A fuzzy photo to be deleted.

I feel like Melatonin,

In & out of sleep.

Who needs sleep.

Drugged up & drugged out

Like eight 5mg down.

Yet, I feel the color brown

Like the shit in an out house.

I just feel so in & out• ~ Kayce Bekka Malone

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December 17, 2017

•Because tomorrow the sun will rise

& I will still want to die.

So why do I even try?

Because all I want to do is cry.

My eyes are a dried up well.

A desert to be deserted.

Because my life is barren

Because I cannot help

Bringing no children to the cause.

& my heart is broken

But at what cost?

But to feel all these feelings.

& hide them away

Like a good hide & seek game.

Because every time I feel I slowly get chipped away.• ~Kayce Bekka

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December 30, 2017

•I’m the happiest

Yet the saddest I’ve ever been.

It’s a constant fight within

The out.

I’m no longer hungry like I’ve been.

Smiles turn then to grins.

Eyes like crystal balls dipped in hot ash.• ~Kayce Bekka

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January 14, 2018

•You were the calming sea

In the thunderous storm

A wreck that crashed right into me.

Pulling my leafs.

Leaving roofs

To grow trees

& you are all I see.• ~Kayce Bekka

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December 3, 2017

•& honestly, you had a chance with me but you didn’t want me.

Not that I’m complaining.

Now I’m looking into a tv screen because you can’t even look at me.

& I want to scream because everything is not as simple as it seems.

There is you,

There is me,

& there is everything else cluttering the space we need to see.

I feel broken like a record

I’ve been here before with you

But not next to me.

I can hear the stitches in my heart slowly ripping.

& the thought of that terrifies me.

I’m not okay.

I’m not going to be.

So please just fucking tell me what you need.

I’ll give you privacy.

No skin to skin contact,

No touching,

Not even a glimpse out of the corner of my eye or I’ll be cheating

If I talk I’ll cry

If I don’t I’ll quit.

My mind is a pit full of envy.

Like I can’t control how I feel

But it means fucking something.

Open your mouth wide

Let me examine your lungs.

Pump the blood in your veins

& expose the indecency’s.

I wanted your teeth buried beneath me.

A cave I am only dark & empty.

An abyss only you could see.

So I’m sorry. • Kayce Bekka

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November 26, 2017

•Debilitating cramps

Like I can’t walk,

I need a wheelchair.

Crawling on the floor

Only to bleed out.

There are only parts of me left

& one isn’t sanity.

I cannot move.

I cannot breath.

The pain consumes me continuously.

Like my uterus is being ripped out of me.

Like I wish it was.

There is a skewer stabbed through me twisting.

Over & over again.

Till I’m on my knees

Screaming.

It’s only when I’m in a calming.

Relaxed body.

That it starts randomly.

I am shaking from pain

Envious of chairs that sit constantly.

Unable to move

Even if they wanted.

Envious of heat because it heals me.

Piercing through my skin

Cradling my uterus.

Only to calm it for the time being. •

Kayce bekka

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October 28, 2017

•I had carved your name into my chest

& embroidered the fabric of it.

Ripping the stitches with your tongue.

Leaving only teeth marks to show you won.• ~Kayce Bekka

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October 28, 2017

•I knew you like the back of my hand

What I mean is I knew you like

Every freckle I have

& dumb scars I’ve ever landed on myself.

Like my tattoo flesh meanings.

I knew you like my notebook.

What I mean is I knew you like

The pages held within

Words written in ink

& sprawled out like my heart is

With honesty

& horrible pain.

I know you like

My heart is shattering

Like the blood has turned into acid

Cutting off my limbs

Limb by limb.

I know you like my bed

Lonely with a lot unsaid.

With dirty sheets & incomplete sentences.

We fell asleep wondering who went first.

Cuddling entangled in “never gonna happen”

But there were things that did.

Like her

& me

Even a little bit of anger & jealousy

I know you like

The tears that fell & caught onto your stained t-shirt

Fogged up glasses

Vulnerability consuming me

Clogging my arteries.

I knew you like the could have been but never was.

& “how could I be more fucked”

You know me like the sad, depressed, fucked up, kid. • ~Kayce Bekka

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October 27, 2017

•Its funny how many things are running through my head

Yet not one of those thoughts is coherent

& my body seizes

& my brain snaps.

I am a broken clock ticking to no time.

It’s like I’ve been pushed under water

& told only to survive

Not live.

My lungs are filling with bubbles

& streams run down my eyes.

I have no control

I have no idea what’s going on

& you are the worst of all in the best of ways.

Like the remembering of lyrics from years away.

Like the air that used to fill my lungs.

Flowers grew for you.

& for me.

& I’m not mad

Or sad

I think I’m hurt

Vulnerable

Confused.

It’s like I saw my future in the crystal ball

But it only showed me false stories.

& honestly I’m not blaming you

But it’s hard to look at you.

To feel your skin on mine

When she has been with you.

It’s like coaches are crawling under my skin.

I lose it like the forever bullied kid.

A little broken I’ll admit

I didn’t see it coming.

None of it.

All an illusion playing in my head

Please just leave me for the stories with in my head.

I like to believe I can create a better story out of it.

There are two things I could do.

Both involving pain

Like all of my choices.

One,

I could stay your friend

& be in pain next to you.

Or two,

I could be in pain

But with you far away.

& the thing about both is they suck.

Maybe I’m over thinking it

But I like to think I need you.

& I really believe i do.

I don’t want you to feel bad

Or anything like that.

We are two wholes of a different half.

It’s funny how so many things can happen

From “I know you”

To

“We are friends”

Then to

“Bestfriends”

& sex

Then to

Maybe “I don’t just want to fuck you.”

But i dont know.• ~Kayce Bekka

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October 22, 2017

•It’s like an addiction.

Ink to skin.

From abstract thoughts

To Pinterest posts.

& what about ghosts

To what to get again.

Sleeves to breath.

Ink to relive.

Permanently changing our skin.

Creativity,

Drunken mistakes.

Its like heart break sown into skin.

To remind us again.

From moon phases

To more book pages.

& lyrics etched into our brains.

Colors of black & white to blend in• ~Kayce Bekka

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October 1, 2015

•Soft like a cloud floating in the air holding onto my lips; lingering. Still as my hearts beats faster & my skin grows warm as if the sun was poking my cheeks with its heatwave of hands. An invasion of tiny butterflies swarm in my stomach creating an earthquake of words. -Stumbling- & then falling... Into you. Into a new setting of mind, into a world no one else could be precise about. Striving to experience more, to touch more clouds, to see more minds & feel creatures swimming in my stomach.• ~Kayce Bekka 🐢

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9/28/17

•Everyone looked right through me always. Selfish people only saw themselves & no one else. I could make them beautiful or hideous. I could even tell lies. They shatter me & break me & all I can do is curse them. I was the dream image that crushed them. I was the major offense, the jail sentence. The shitty body image, maybe it will change if you look again.• ~Kayce Bekka 🐢

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9/27/17

•The bands you saw were sewed into your porcelain skin & skipped a beat for your fragile heart. Lyrics tattooed in Winnie The Pooh on your arm. It's like I glued your name on my tongue so I could forever repeat it. Then I sewed my mouth shut never to speak again. Because then I'd have to tell you. It was written in stone that you'd never be known. & all I'd have to say is good bye to today. Because I ruin everything.• ~Kayce Bekka 🐢

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