Bimbo Daddy

Literally

[aliteralplate]

it is so tragic that so many of my friends are men and also evil, bc i want to ask them if they are going to see the barbie movie but i know they will not :(

[aliteralplate]

being in a relationship has taught me nothing if not this: nobody hates hypocrites more than other hypocrites

[aliteralplate]

when i travel my friends treat me like a strangers cat on their fridge

[aliteralplate]

taking benadryl is like a coin toss where heads is i disintegrate in exactly 30 minutes and tails is the voices wont shut up unless i play the frog game

[aliteralplate]

get a boyfriend who thinks you should be a comedian. that shit hits different

[aliteralplate]

nonononono its totally fine! i dont mind at all. *shakey breath* alexa play liability by lorde

[aliteralplate]

getting hangry is so weird bc im angry at everything bc j dont have food, but then if someone offers me food i will smack it out of their hand like a cat

[aliteralplate]

when other people avoid eye contact: completely understandable, they are too cool and normal to look at me. this is totally normal and acceptable to assume.

when i avoid eye contact: oh my god im so weird and freakish, what kind of monster doesnt want eye contact, the easiest form of human connection? an absolute freak of nature. what are you hiding?

[aliteralplate]

(venting)

i have been sick with various viruses and bugs since the beginning of june now (about 4 months) and had complications with my wisdom teeth in the middle of it, leading to a longer recovery time (it has been almost two months and i still have holes in my mouth) my boyfriend has been fine this entire time, maybe getting one cold? this summer? and just recently got a stomach bug (which he has passed on to me on top of the other sicknesses) and has just called me to tell me that he doesnt deserve to be sick. i understand the misery of being sick, and i understand why i am the one he is venting to about this, but when he said that i wanted to scream, because not too long ago i was so sick that i couldnt eat (or take my meds,) and i lost 10 pounds, and im still not eating right because being so sick made my relationship with food even worse than it was, and now hes telling me he doesnt deserve a stomach bug and it feels like a slap in the face.

at one point this summer i even made a joke about how i just wanted two weeks without any new medical issues, and then i got newer, worse medical issues and it just feels like the universe is laughing at me

[aliteralplate]

do you ever stay up past your bedtime and start to think things that remind you why you’re supposed to be medicated?

[aliteralplate]

would an iced beverage help? no. but would it make me feel better? no. but would it feel good to drink? no. but would it taste good? no. does the thought of an iced beverage cause my mouth to hurt? yes.

[aliteralplate]

me when km about to crack this whole thing wide open: Im about to crack this whole thing wide open!

[aliteralplate]

excommunication is just biblically accurate cancelling

[aliteralplate]

i have gotten to know the people who i dont like, and after some reflection, i have decided that not only am i the problem, i am okay with being the problem.

[aliteralplate]

how do i explain that i want to learn more but i cant because im still recovering from the inherent trauma of undiagnosed mental illness in a learning environment optimized for neurotypical minds?

[aliteralplate]

men be like “please give me attention”

my brother in christ, you don’t even exist to me.

[aliteralplate]

you know the jig is up when someone asks you if you’re ok and doesn’t even give you a chance to lie before they clarify that they’re serious.