[aljdkskjx]

deeply miserable

[aljdkskjx]

logging out bc i need my ed to get real bad again

[aljdkskjx]

accidental 24hr fast .. lets fucking go ig

[aljdkskjx]

i’m going to actually kms i can’t live in this fucking house any longer

[aljdkskjx]

note to self: if you ever get excited about something it will not come to fruition. was looking forward to last mondays dinner for days before it and fell extremely ill that morning and now i was looking forward to what i was making for dinner tonight but i have had one fucking hell of a day from my brother being fucking cruel to me and my mother making fun of my weight that i am just emotionally exhausted so i’m not fucking having dinner anymore.

basically all this to say .. the job that i really want that will require me to move cities and i’ve spent hours looking at apartments i am not going to get. i’m far too excited about it. i want it far too much. i do not get things like this. it’s not happening.

[aljdkskjx]

one of the worst weeks of my life for sure

[aljdkskjx]

i know it’s health anxiety but i feel like i will never be well again

[aljdkskjx]

it has to

[aljdkskjx]

it’s alright though .. everything changes tomorrow :(

[aljdkskjx]

i am not eating like someone who wants their health to improve.. and that’s all i’ll say about it

[aljdkskjx]

i want a life that i’m not allowed to have

[aljdkskjx]

i acc want to kms this is so fucking humiliating

[aljdkskjx]

if i don’t find a traineeship i’m going to cry

[aljdkskjx]

i start each day so well-intentioned. but each stomp of your foot on the ground, each slam of the door, of glass on the countertop, kills any part of me that wants to live. and, no, i don’t mean you just make me want to kill myself. i mean you instil something in me that starts at the root of my scalp and makes it’s way past the droop of my eyelids, past the lump in my throat, past the bubbling of dread in my stomach, past the stiff of my legs, inevitably wrapping itself around my ankles and pulling. it’s a dull all-encompassing ache. my body contorts into itself. you make me not want to move. you make me not want to open my mouth. you make me not want to drink water. you make me not want to eat. you make me not want to speak. you make me not want to leave my spot to go to the bathroom. you make me not want to ever enjoy anything. you make me not want to look forward to anything. you make me not want to laugh. you make me not want to cry.

you kill every part of me that wants to live.

[bonelessratzz-deactivated202412]

bing eating disorder

[aljdkskjx]

goodbye for now

[aljdkskjx]

i rly should move back to my ed blog

[aljdkskjx]

yeah i think i’ll do that now