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@allegrasinclair
It can be hard to know what to do when dealing with difficult people but silence is a valid choice.
Many people are uncomfortable with silence but it's a powerful tool.
In this episode you'll find:
Tips for communicating with difficult people
Tips for removing yourself from unhealthy conversations
Full show notes are available at https://allegrasinclair.com/your-confidentself
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/loves-cures-people/
Loves Cures People
Love cures people⊠both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. ~ Dr. Karl Menninger
OK, Ladies. Can we talk?! We have already talked about the fact that we can be your own best cheerleader by being careful about what we say to ourselves and recognizing all our gifts. However, there is another tool in our confidence toolbox that I donât want us to overlook. Come closer, itâs a secret⊠Iâm talking about your underwear! Iâm not talking about just any old lingerie, Iâm talking about that particular bra that changes your whole attitude the minute you put it on. It may be black or it may be leopard, or anything in between. But I know how a red bra can change your life.
[Note:Â My poor mother. Sheâs such a Southern Belle and she always hoped I would grow up to be a âLadyâ. Sheâs already nervous because Iâm often talking about punching stuff in the throat and now Iâm talking about undies. Someone catch her, sheâs about to faint.]
There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. Why should we only focus on all that we have to be thankful for in November, during traditional Thanksgiving celebrations? I am absolutely all about Thanksgiving in April this year! Thatâs right, all those turkeys and honey-baked hams should be very, very afraid.
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/live-out-of-your-imagination/
Live Out of Your Imagination, Not Your History
Live out of your imagination, not your history. ~ Stephen Covey
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/always-seems-impossible/
It always seems impossible, until itâs done. ~ Nelson Mandela
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/easy-different/
Itâs Easy to Be Different
Itâs very easy to be different, but very difficult to be better. ~ Jonathan Ive
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/better-ridiculous-boring/
Itâs better to be ridiculous than boring
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius. Itâs better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ~ Marilyn Monroe
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/power-change-affirmation/
I have the power to change myself - Affirmation
I have the power to change myself. Â I can change my life by transforming myself.
When I want to change some aspect of my life, I consider how I can challenge myself to make the change happen. All of the changes in my life are initiated from within. I am the author of the change and I own it.
I am free of worry regarding the future. I know I can control my life by managing my own thoughts and actions.
I am moving forward on my chosen path. I can do anything and go anywhere. All of my desires are well within my reach.
I can overcome my past and create a new future by making personal adjustments. Whenever I encounter an obstacle, I can find a way around it by making a  change in myself or my behavior.
I have a strong sense of purpose which keeps me focused on finding solutions for all my challenges. If one change fails to work, I come up with another idea and try that one until I find one that moves me forward to where I want to be.
My ability to change myself and my life is unparalleled. They are inseparable. I know it is up to me to make whatever changes I want in my life.
Today, I recognize that I have the power to change myself and change my life. I continue to rise above my previous expectations! I know I can improve my life at any time by transforming myself.
Things To Make You Say Hmmm:
What changes do you want to make in your life?
What can you do to make those changes happen?
How have you successfully changed in the past? How did it affect your life?
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/butterflies-are-beautiful-dont-be-one/
Butterflies are Beautiful but You Don't Want to Be One
My grandmother used to call me Madame Butterfly and I loved it. My 7-year old mind understood that butterflies were pretty and could fly, and that was all I needed to know. Letâs fast forwardâlater in life, I learned  she called me that because she just never knew what I might do next. I have heard she told people that I âflitted from one thing to another looking prettyâ but not accomplishing a lot. Dang, really?!  That is not powerful at all. (Thank goodness she was wrong!) That puts a whole different spin on butterflies. So now I know, butterflies are beautiful but I shouldnât be one. I admit that I would often fall in love with projects and could think of nothing else for serious spurts of time. But then I would get bored and move onto a new project. Flitting from one thing to another? I donât think so, I was simply using my powers of elimination and discernment to figure out what I did NOT want to do. AND I was a child so no harm, no foul.
There is a business term, â3-day monkâ, which reminds me of my grandmotherâs assessment of my view of the world. That term is used to describe someone who gets obsessed with something in spurts, but quickly loses interest. See why it sounded familiar? Examples of these obsessions could include a new blog, a new business idea, a new way of eating, or (grab your panties!) a new relationship. Is that ringing any bells for you? This monk thing is characterized by lots of early interest with little to no results.
Until we are willing to acknowledge what we do, we have no power to choose or change our behavior.
â Iyanla Vanzant (@IyanlaVanzant) January 12, 2014
The bad news is that you cannot achieve success by flitting from one thing to another. Even if you look sugar-sharp while doing the flitting! You cannot have a measurable impact on your world if you lose focus before your work can be completed. You canât improve your health by eating veggies for only 5 days. And you canât draw your audience to you in 30 days. Nope and nope.
The good news is that you can STOP being a 3-day monk and capture your butterfly. Â If you want to increase your influence and make meaningful progress on your goals, you have to show up every day. You donât have to invest 18 hours each day, but you need to act intentionally and consistently until your work is completed.
How to Capture Your Butterfly:
Work Every Day. Create a plan to invest time on your new focus every day. If you donât plan the time to work on your project, there will never be enough time in a day. It takes at least 21 days to develop a new habit to replace an old one. Â Doing âsomethingâ each day will help you maintain focus and cement your new habits. If you do something for 2 days and stop, then start again 3 days later, that does not create strong habits and focus.
Get Started Now. Â At this time of year, lots of women are talking about New Yearâs Resolutions. And some people actually think itâs too late because January 1 has passed. Really? Why? You intend to keep living, right? So start today! It can be YOUR New Year any time you choose. There will never be a better time than right now.
Donât Set Yourself Up for Failure.  Newsflash: There are going to be days when you donât feel like doing the things you know you should do.  It doesnât mean you donât really want to achieve your goal, it is just part of being human. And a woman. Some days hormones are lying wenches. Give yourself a break and plan to build your empire in steps. If you give yourself all-or-nothing ultimatums, flitting is right around the corner. If you commit to doing something for 20 minutes a day, you can tell yourself that you can do anything for 20 minutes and believe it. Problem solved. Planning for only 20 minutes makes it easier to get started, and once youâve worked for 20 minutes, youâll likely continue for even longer.
Know and Do What You Love.  Please do not commit to a project or goal that will require work that you donât enjoy. I have a friend who recently told me she was going to become a life coach. I was thrilled and said, âI didnât know you had a interest in coaching!â. She said, âI donât really, but itâs such a hot field right nowâŠâ I know she said some other things but my head exploded after that first sentence so I didnât hear anything else. If she goes through with it I am totally going to out her on my blog so that none of you will fall into her web. Can you imagine starting a new business, which is not easy, that you are not interested in, because itâs a current trend?  Raise your right hand and promise me that you will NOT do that. Figure out what you love and only do that. You deserve that and so does your market. Your best and juiciest value to the world is going to come from something you love doing. Not something you are lukewarm about, or donât hate doing or âcan standâ doing. Something you absolutely enjoy doing. Fun can equal Focus.  Got it? Good.
You Better Know Why. Â This is related to knowing and doing what you love, but itâs different. Why do you want a new position, or a new relationship, or to reach a goal? Your motivation needs to be something that will sustain you on the difficult days. Do you have a burning desire to change peopleâs lives? Do you stay awake at night worrying that children donât have clean water? Those are awesome âwhysâ. Do you want to show up at your High School Reunion and make your ex cry because he ever let you go? OK, I completely understand the reason, but that will NOT keep you focused on tough days. You donât really want him back anyway, right? Â The last reason is so easy to talk yourself out of. So make sure your why is crystal clear and compelling.
Ruthlessly Trim Your Tools. Â In the 7 Steps to Telling Your Story I talk about the importance of assembling a toolkit. But here I want to caution you to assemble ONE toolkit and stick with it. Chaos reigns in my own personal focus system when I donât use the tools. Since I know better, what could cause me to stop using them? For various reasons I may try to introduce a new tool which doesnât quite fit. Either it duplicates a task I already have, or it doesnât quite fit and I get stuck learning new technology, blah, blah, blah. You canât use everything well and you donât need to. Choose an appointment tool. Choose a task management tool. Choose a note-taking tool. Choose a project management system. Choose! What I do when my system breaks down is I start writing myself notes because I donât want to forget important information. Â And then I end up with notes written everywhere and I canât find what I need when I need it. (Can you hear the small whisper of butterfly wings?) When I realize I have gotten off track and I get back to using use the tools I chose (my personal favorites include Google Calendar, the Things app, Evernote, and DropBox but Iâll tell you more about that in a future post.) my focus returns and I start crushing my goals. Â I believe the same will happen for you.
Just because you may have spent way more time being a 3-day monk or a beautiful butterfly doesnât mean you have to continue down that path forever. Today is a new day, and you can choose to do things differently starting from this moment. Women who are consistent and determined will always outperform those who burn hot and bright for limited periods of time and then fizzle out. Meaningful work and progress takes time and focus. Â Short-term, intense action is rarely the right tactic for accomplishing something that requires a significant amount of effort.
By the way, I still love butterflies! I have been collecting and decorating with them for years and probably always will. But I admire them from afar without aspiring to be one. What about you? Have you been a butterfly but youâre ready to change? Let me know in the comment box below.
And have a POWERFUL day,
Allegra
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/better-hated/
It is Better to be Hated for What You are Than...
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not. ~ Andre Gide
New Podcast has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/comparison-thief-of-joy/
Comparison is the Thief of Joy - Stop and Learn to Love Your Life
You can be honest, do you sometimes find yourself comparing your life to that of others? If you do, I am betting that does not make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and it definitely doesnât lead to your most powerful days. Comparison is the thief of joy. If you stop comparing you can learn to LOVE your life. Women are bombarded daily with images of the lives of the rich and infamous and there are endless opportunities for us to look at how others live, work, dress, dance, etc. So this concept of not comparing isnât going to happen without your decision and intention. Here are some ideas for getting this thief under control.
Make it a Fair Fight
There are plenty of things wrong with comparing but the first issue is that we always compare our INSIDES with the OUTSIDES of others. How do I know? Because itâs impossible for us to know whatâs really going on in the lives of others. I know before I step out in the world, I do everything I can to put my best foot forward. Before you object, I am not talking about putting on airs or being phony. I am talking about the healthy, natural practice of being my best me and building my brand everywhere I go. Lots of people do that. But when you see me out brand building and being fabulous, you may not know that all sorts of mayhem erupted in my house 30 minutes before I left to meet you for lunch. And you donât have to know. But if you decide that my great hair day is evidence that my life is awesome and your life sucks⊠see how that could be a problem? Itâs not fair for me to compare my worst characteristics with your best.
Decide to Evaluate Only What Matters
If you canât help but notice the lives of others, friends and strangers, then letâs agree that we will only pay attention to the things that REALLY matter. So, if you are harboring some discontent right now about your address or the size of your house (just as an example) because you have friends whose homes are bigger or on âbetterâ streets, stop it.  Does your house provide shelter? Do you have some creature comforts in your house that you know others wish they could have? I bet you do. If you just evaluate your house based on what it provides youâsafety, shelter, comfort, rest, entertainment, etc. you will appreciate it more. You may be feeling better about it already. Who is to say that bigger house youâre drooling over would be âbetterâ anyway? Your tax and utility bills would probably be much higher and there could be mold hiding in the walls. (Eek!) Iâm sure there are things about your house that would like to change and that is ok. If you really want to change something do it, if itâs important to you. But ask yourself why is it important? Does the size of your house really matter? Are you  a more powerful or confident person if you have more square footage? Does your family feel more loved? Does the bigger house give you more free time to spend on the things that make your heart sing? OK, so maybe that bigger house is not important. Letâs decide what really matters and then work on getting more of that in our lives without comparing.
Comparison Gives You Wrinkles
Some of you are ready to stop right now so my work is done. Comparison gives you wrinkles because worrying steals your peace. Every time you have a negative thought about a skill or talent or possession that somebody else has, you wrinkle your forehead and stew about it. You are training those facial muscles to show age and discontent. True story!  This negative virus can seep into other areas of your life and impact your health. You could use the time you are spending focusing on other people and focus on your fabulous self! Instead of watching a show about celebrity homes, you could take a walk or write  a letter to a friend. Instead of wondering why a friend got promoted at work and you didnât, use that time to learn a new skill or indulge in a hobby.  Your time for promotion is coming, so why not enjoy right now without worrying about the future? Often these thoughts of discontent come at night, making it more difficult for you to fall or stay asleep. Guess what sleep deprivation does? Makes you wrinkle. Iâm just sayinâ, the choice is yours.
Blinders Arenât Just for Horses
Comparison is the thief of joy because like most thieves it is sneaky, and it takes what matters to us when we are not looking. If you stay focused on yourself, recognize that what people present to the world is not the entire story, and decide what is important to you and forget the rest, you will immediately increase your confidence and satisfaction with life. You canât spend your day comparing if you put on âblindersâ and guard your mind. Today, if you choose to stop comparing, you will give yourself permission to let go of all that negativity. Did you catch the word, choose, in that sentence? During our day-to-day activity, we forget that we can choose to create the lives we deserve.
I saw this great blog post the other day, âA Helpful Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Othersâ, by Joshua Becker. Absolutely click that link and check it out. My favorite insight from that post is that we are too unique to compare fairly. Yes! Today, I am going to spend some time thinking about how fabulous I am and reminding myself of a couple of my special and unique qualities. Iâm not going to pick the easy stuff, I am going to dig deep and remind myself of the good stuff that only I bring to the party. Then when Iâm on that fabulous cloud I can remember how wonderful my life is and how thankful I am for all that I have.  What can you do to begin to love your life more? Let me know in the comment box below.
Have a powerful day!
Allegra
I see beauty all around me. (Affirmation) - http://allegra.me/1ev48i2
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/see-beauty-around-affirmation/
I see beauty all around me. (Affirmation)
I see beauty all around me because whether I am indoors or out, I pay attention to the symmetry and loveliness of people, places and things.
The views of nature scenes or the tranquil rooms in my home provide my eyes with beauty and peacefulness.
When indoors at home, I rest my eyes on specific possessions that hold meaning for me. The small grouping of sea shells brings grace to the room and reminds me of the hours I spent at the beach gathering them.
The clear glass cookie jar filled with all coins of every shape and size transport me back to times when I traveled to the places the coins came from.
These examples are simple but breathtaking reminders of things I have admired.
When I am driving around, I take time to notice the blue in the sky, greens in the grass and beautiful colors of leaves and plants. They are magnificent. The browns, tans and beiges of the trees and the ground soothe. As I take a walk, I drink in the beauty that encompasses me.
During my most challenging times, I look around me and take in the surroundings that encircle me. I notice beauty in the smallest or seemingly insignificant things.
Today, I feel blessed that I am able to view the radiance of my surroundings, no matter where I am. I intend to continue to discover beauty in everything I see. I am truly in awe of the magnificence that surrounds me.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
Am I able to see beauty in whatever environment I find myself?
Do I slow down and take time to âsmell the roses?â
How can I encourage myself to feel gratitude as I spend a moment or two to notice my incredible surroundings?
Nov18IDidntHaveitInMe
I was pretty quiet on social media and here at my site last week because we were dealing with a family tragedy. Dealing with loss is ridiculously difficult and I donât know that we ever get good at it. My first response was to try to compartmentalize what had happened and continue to do what I do, flap my Superwoman cape and delay dealing with the fallout. But I could not. And I decided it was a disservice to my circle, my audience, and myself for me to try to fake it. So I didnât. Let me explain.
Normally, I develop monthly themes for content that I am going to create or share and then on Sundays I plan content for each week. But on a recent Sunday when I would have been planning, I received the unspeakable news that one of my cousins had been killed. And in that moment, I felt almost completely lost. I say almost, because I had enough presence of mind to focus on supporting my family first. His motherâwho had lost her young son, his grandmotherâwho had raised him and hence lost a son AND a grandson, and my motherâwho lost a grandson. (Donât worry about all the familial connections, biology does not determine relationships, the connections between people take care of that.) I felt unspeakable pain and sorrow. I donât know if it made it worse that he wasnât ill, that someone had killed him, but it was all so much to bear.
After the initial shock wore off and I was confident that I had done all I could do to support these amazing women who have been part of my village, I then felt a new crushing blow. I remembered our final conversation, and the last words I had spoken to my cousin. I told him, âI hope you will keep in better touch now, because you need to know meâ. You need to know me. That phrase haunted me for days.
Bringing My Ghosts into the Light
When I said it, we giggled, we hugged, it was an ok moment. But in my grieving mind, the words stood out as arrogant and not as loving as I wanted my final words to be. Of course, I didnât know those were the last words we would ever share, but we never know. And I believe in the power of words and really wanted to believe that he didnât take them the wrong way and cover it with laughter, that he didnât think I was judging him and that I thought he was anything less-than-perfect, exactly the way he was. I wanted to take them back and I felt so angry and full of regret because I couldnât. I was so full of regret that I didnât have anything in me to give my circle or my audience. I could hardly eat I was so full of unspoken affirmations and encouragement. I was so full of ânow I will never get toâŠâ that I felt physically heavy and couldnât even begin to do many of the things I felt I needed to do last week.
But in spite of all that I accepted the responsibility of creating the funeral program and working with my mom and the funeral director to take as much weight off his mother as we could. I believe in dark moments, the best we can do is to use our God-given gifts to help others. I usually take for the granted my ability to use words and technology to paint a picture, but at this time, I was glad that I seemed to be able to do some things on autopilot while my mind swirled with pain.
No Time for Faking the Funk
I am not trying to be a downer here, Iâm simply being as authentic and honest as I call others to be. How could I possibly  I talk about being powerful and conquering obstacles, when I was feeling that broken? Becoming a woman of influence is not for the weak or the phony. Being fabulous isnât always pretty and thatâs ok.
I suspect in this last week some of you dealt with different yet similarly devastating situations. Maybe you endured the death of an oft-promised, long-awaited, new career opportunity. Maybe you regretted not saying something to a loved one or speaking up for someone who needed your support. Maybe you desperately wished for more time to get ready to do⊠something. I know you grieved and figured out how to cope, just as I had to. And part of the journey here is not for me to appear to have all the answers but to fearlessly share the answers that I do have and for us to find some new answers together. Right? It is ok to acknowledge that we have moments, even days that are less than powerful. The trick is not to stay in that place but to claw, fight, cry, heal, do whatever is necessary, and climb back to the place where we resume our journey.
For me, the beginning of the climb back to full power came the night before the funeral. On Thursday evening, after one of the most stressful days I can remember in a long time, when I had finally gotten all the photos and videos together and delivered the funeral program to the funeral home, I had one of those breakthrough moments. I actually heard my cousin, Tavian, laugh. Donât reach for the phone to schedule an intervention, I know it wasnât really him. But that shift occurred when I started to move away from the stranglehold my last words to him had on me, and move toward remembering the fuller story of our lives and relationship. And then I realized what I said to him was true. He did need to know me. Let me repeat thatâHe needed to know me, BUT that wasnât the end of the story.
I Need Others and They Need Me
I needed to know him too. Realizing that and exhaling the breath I had been holding for days felt so good. In truth, there are people who need to know me just as there are people I need to know. Think about it, arenât there people who need to know YOU? And by the same token, there are people that you need to know. Why else should you show up and tell your story except that there are people who NEED TO HEAR IT. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, thereâs a lot right with that. The connections between people are what makes our time here purposeful, fruitful, enjoyable, and blessed.
While I know I will continue to have sad moments as I reflect on his too-short life, I will also be comforted by memories of the time we did have together. And I met some amazing people at his funeral who I would likely never have known otherwise. Like the 4 young men who drove all night long, 17 hours, from Iowa to North Carolina, just to say farewell to their friend. Those men touched my heart like nobodyâs business! I appreciated their love for my cousin and their stories about what an awesome man he was so much that wanted to buy them a pony. And then there was my cousinâs half-sister, who I only recently found out existed, who is a beautiful, powerful spirit who gifted us with these wordsâŠ. Love Harder . Thatâs good stuff.
Love Harder
So I donât have Tavian, but I do have other âgiftsâ as a result of his life. I firmly believe that his sister and I will keep in touch and learn much from each other in the days to come and Iâm confident that one day I will understand why his death had to be the event that connected us. But until then, Iâm releasing the regret and silly guilt about how my last words may have been interpreted. Iâm comforting myself with the more recent memories of my family being together, holding on to, laughing with and loving each other after the service. Iâm hunting up photos that I havenât seen in years to remind me of just how much I have to be grateful for. And Iâm feeling grounded and powerful again and ready to create and share new content.
What about you? Have you recently buried or let go of something? How will you be different as a result of that loss? Letâs do this exercise together. Letâs think of 3 ways this week that we can Love Harder. Iâll start: This week, I am going to tell at least 2 people each day how much they mean to me even if they donât understand or return the sentiment. Itâs going to be so much fun loving on people and seeing how my encouragement affects them. Your turn! What are you going to try? Let me know in the comments below!
Have a powerful week,
Allegra
New Post has been published on http://allegrasinclair.com/even-fall-face/
Even if you fall on your faceâŠ
Even if you fall on your face, youâre still moving forward. ~ Victor Kiam
Tai Goodwin EXCELS at encouraging us to be brilliant and then showing us HOW to do it. These great tips on what to expect as you make a shift and become more powerful as must-see TV.
