Watching (the later seasons) of Supernatural on Netflix:
*clicks “Skip Recap” button*
First 2 minutes after cold open:
[Concerned inquiry as to the other’s Worrisome Condition]
[A sarcastic deflection, or an obviously dishonest/insincere deflection, or a pensive glare at a page or screen before abruptly changing the subject]
“Any news on the Big Bad? I mean, I talked to you at 2am which is when I finally passed out and it’s only 7am now, but since you’re wearing one of my shirts backwards, I’m going to assume that you haven’t slept, so there may have been a critical development during the three hours of nightmare-intensive sleep I was able to experience.”
“Nope, in the wind. Because if I had found out something about the Big Bad, I totally would’ve waited to tell you until you stumbled out here to ask me. ‘Sure, people are getting pulled by a cosmic force into Satan’s butthole, but I wanted to give you a chance to piss and brush your teeth.”
“A simple ‘no’ would’ve sufficed. What about Other Concerning Thing?”
“No sign of it/them anywhere in the five hours since we last spoke. Why anyone takes our calls or answers our emails remains a mystery, but I put some feelers out nonetheless. I mean, nothing’s happened with them, because it has literally only been five hours since I last spoke to you.”
“Well, I may have found us a case.”
“Shouldn’t we be focused on Big Bad or Other Concerning Thing? Not to mention your Worrisome Condition!”
“Well, we can’t do anything about those so until then, we do this!”
“FINE. What’s the case? Quick, before you ask me how I am again.”
“Something in Baltimore is tearing off people’s limbs and beating them to death with their own appendages at a haunted truck stop.”
“Well, that’s certainly a string of words I never anticipated, even in regards to Baltimore. Whatever it is, I certainly hope there’s a way to interpret it as an analogy for our current situation.”
*staggers in, only one eye fully able to open*
*doesn’t even glance up* “You look like fresh wombat shit.”
*gleefully cracks neck as the other cringes*
Epic suck level: Holding steady, trending upward as expected.
“You know I subtract three from whatever bullshit number you give me, right?”
*pauses at this unexpected honesty and wearily recognizes the “found us a case” expression*
“[Optional: So get this] Baltimore. Haunted truck stop. Some fucking thing is ripping people’s arms and legs off and beating them to death with their own limbs.”
[Nonverbal: I know, right?]
“Anyway, since your dumb ass slept in —”
[Nonverbal: sInCe yOUr dUmb AsS slEPt iN]
“ — I called first dibs.” *ticks off on fingers* “Ghost possession, tulpa, dude fucked up on bath salts.”
A tulpa, really? That’s a waste of a bet.
Well one of us is down fifty bucks and the other one is me so
I can’t believe you’re being this mean to me before coffee and I take it all back, I have NEVER liked you]
