Honey on her lips, daisies in her hair @alliisson-blog - Tumblr Blog

I’m losing

Every day I’m fighting a war against my old workplace (where my boyfriend current works) for who gets the most out of my boyfriend. It’s me vs them; and right now, I think I’m losing.

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C.

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“Powerful” – Bansky

I haven’t been in the best of forms lately. I’m tired of hiding it from everyone, having to show this neutral look and the occasional smile when I gather the energy to smile. Living in a place where I can’t truly be myself, it’s been like this for the past 4 years. And guess what? It keeps getting worse. I’ve lost myself.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want to do. I hate everything about this situation. It’s a cycle I can’t control, literally cannot. I’m not an emotional wreck, I didn’t put myself in this situation. Through all the compensations I’ve had to do in my life, I’ve hit rock bottom. Every bit of what made me me is gone. I can’t smile without a terrible stab going through my heart. I can’t laugh without thinking of ways to continue laughing so I can forget the hurt,

Yes i drink. And i’ve been drinking and smoking more than i should. I binged a lot on it the past few weeks - until i got sick of the smoking so I slowed down. But the drinking continues. So i’ve had to put all the alcohol purchases on hold and deal with everything shit going on.

Hasn’t gotten me anywhere. All i do is get snappy at everything anyone does. I cry whenever I’m alone. I get mad and upset whenever I play my game. I feel like I’ve locked myself up in a way. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be free. What is it? Have i ever experienced it? Will i ever experience it?

I simply don’t know. And the worst part is my inability to explain to people what’s going on. All i can do is release my phases slowly on this, and one day sit back to understand myself a bit more.

In the meantime, bear with me little Ally.