pensive at half past two

i am... :) waving a banner of red, blue and white with three stars and a sun. :) small to be eighteen. but i don't mind. it benefits me in absurd ways.:) :) still fond of love stories for teens way past my age. :) childlike. :) blissful in my own ways and thoughts. :) peter pan and tinkerbell at different times :) a child of God. :) i LOVE Mr.A-Z. :) transparent :) idealistic :) i wanna be forever young. :) i LOVE my family. :) i don't love school that much. :) i think a lot. :) i talk a lot at times. :) i dream of world peace. :) i believe in a god. :) i like stars and butterflies. :) i love sports. :) i dream of becoming a kungfu master minus the flying. :) i'm tired of saying "I" because i've been egocentric for long but i guess bad habits are hard to break. :) AM A BEAUTIFUL MESS. :) i am a lot of things. imperfect and most of the time a mess. yet i am blessed in all ways all the time:) ...am a lot more.

[alliswellisntit]

Lucky I'm In Love

I am in love with the person you are today. Everything that you are - your goodness, your unfathomable depth - make your scars and imperfections all the more beautiful because you rose above your demons and tamed them.

I am proud, too, of who you were yesterday. That young boy who dared to fuck up and mess around just so he may take a shot in understanding the chaos we call life. You braved through it, the inevitable hurting and all, and in the process you emerged a man.

I was neither the storm which ruined you nor the sunlight which nurtured you after. I was in no way part of that growth. I was somewhere else battling and growing myself. I just got lucky, i suppose, because you decided to man up right before i arrived (or should i say came back) while I, on the other hand, just learned to walk again only to meet you halfway.

I am beyond grateful every day from that moment on. You answered many of the whys i had been asking - why the pain and suffering over failed relationships for one. I figured we were going through the same shit at the same time in our separate little worlds. Looking back, it's clear to me that i was meant to cross your path once more and this time i was bound to stay. So i did.

I guess it is true what they say about love: that it grows over time, that it grows deeper and deeper the more time you spend with the person, the more memories you make together, the more ordinary things become. Love, also, is the only thing left when all the sparkles are gone. It is what remains when there is nothing left to like. It is what lingers and thus, it is what keeps two people together long after everything physically beautiful has faded.

I finally understood this part. This time i know i found the one im loving more and more as days go by. The person i love without condition. No what ifs, no buts, not even fear, much less doubt. I finally met the person with whom i find comfort when the day is crazy - my go-to man, my best friend, my number one fan, my mentor, my conscience, and my personal share of evil at times.

I didn't expect for you to come. I thought my chance was over. But then you showed up and magic happened. You are my very own prince charming and though you had your share of fuck ups and cloud nines before me (and with me), it's still a fairy tale nevertheless, which started with once upon a time and continues on with a happily ever after.

Thank you for choosing me even though you had had the pick of many others. Thank you for everything that you are. I always wished for a love story worth writing. I knew i deserve nothing short of a fairy tale. Damn, i was right. ;)

To Lucky, my equal half.

[alliswellisntit]

It's crazy how we get the courage to love even though we know in the back of our minds how painful it will be when it's over. We've been there, we've done that, more than once. We sometimes promise ourselves not to love again only to break that promise and try once more with the hope that this one is perpetual.

Hope - is it good or bad? We do not enter relationships wishing for sempiternal happiness and expecting an abysmal sorrow for the rest of it. We enter relationships over and over with the hope that this one is different. We are bound to be in this loop until we find that which the universe has set for us, that one who will endure with us through everything.

Pain is inevitable. Pain is there when we expect and of course we always expect because hope comes with expectations. We expect good things, happy moments, endlessness, forever.

26april2017

[alliswellisntit]

It's been ten years since i started here. The progress or deterioration, whichever is more appropriate, of my understanding of the profundity of life is showcased through whatever i chose to write for this seemingly unending scroll. There are cringy, almost embarrassing ones which i would have disowned had i been more concerned of my image rather than my growth or my lack thereof.

I did not stop writing. I stopped opening up to people. I continued scribbling, especially when the familiar motivation called sadness, disappointment and anger inked my pen. But i chose to keep them to myself for reasons i cannot even identify myself. Perhaps it was part of my so-called growth not to care about what other people might say and think of my thoughts that stopped me from sharing all at once.

But i guess im ready to let people in once again, or perhaps i just have to remember why i created this scroll in the first place.

[pierregasly]

eleven world titles in between them

[alliswellisntit]

My kind of donut. Missing Fernando in every race since then.

[itracing]

F1 Legend Niki Lauda Has Passed Away 

Three-time Formula 1 World Champion Niki Lauda has passed away at the age of 70. The Austrian driver, one of the best-known figures in motor racing, took the F1 title for Ferrari in 1975 and 1977 and McLaren in 1984.

[alliswellisntit]

The nostalgia which never happened

[alliswellisntit]

Im learning to walk again

[alliswellisntit]

I'm so happy cause today i found my friends, they're in my head

Nirvana

[alliswellisntit]

The deeper i understand, the stronger i disagree

[alliswellisntit]

Living is easy with eyes closed

[force-india]

That’s why I love this sport

[alliswellisntit]

I forbid you all to take this smile off this face. Snatch that chequered flag, man!

[alliswellisntit]

Some movies just never grow old. [borrowed photo, obviously ;)]

[pierregasly]

Kimi Raikkonen | United States Grand Prix, 2018

[alliswellisntit]

Finally, Kimi, finally. I always knew you could still make it. I am overjoyed :)

[alliswellisntit]

021818

The sun rises again. It rises for me just like how it did for the last 26 years. Some days it hides behind the clouds, some days it is lonely too. But no matter what, i know the sun rises for me every day.

I wait in the dark where the stars faintly shine. Always waiting for that moment when the sky breaks, the rays seep through every crack to reach me. It shines brightly for me. it knows i waited.

[alliswellisntit]

022018

You cant unlove. It has to die a natural death. The slow and excruciatingly painful kind.

You cant simply get yourself out of it. You have to live it every single day together with the pain and disappointment until it becomes a normal part of you, until it loses its magic, until you forget that it exists just like how you dont marvel at the existence of your hand because it has always been there.

[alliswellisntit]

When you're a friend, you're just that - a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Eternally mounted in that gray vastness and though it is vast, moving along won't get you anywhere.

[alliswellisntit]

What's sad about the past are the memories. The moments that make up the memories, no matter how beautiful they had been, end up leaving an ever-expanding void in our being. The element of time and our awareness that time does not wander backwards make beautiful memories all the more excruciatingly painful. The probability of those moments happening only once in our lives gives them the power to haunt us deeply.

The truth is, the ebb and flow of life is inevitable. The cycle will go on for as long as we are capable of sensing and appreciating the world and every bit of detail it adds to our mundane lives. Because it is with appreciating that we come to see the lack. It is with the height of our soaring that we are reminded of the ground and the struggles we battled. It is with moving forward that we realize we left some things behind.