All Will be Well @allmylaughter - Tumblr Blog

Jan 3, 2019

Blessings, 2019

Long ass post but I talk about my current mental health issues, my heart valve problem and how I’ve felt these last few months.

The first time I ever contemplated suicide was in grade 10 (2008?). I had felt abandoned by a friend and I felt very stupid about it. I was so ashamed of myself and what had happened.

Luckily, two friends had helped me out of it.

The thoughts came back in 2012 when I had failed two courses in my third year of UW, 2015-2016 when I had felt overwhelmed and stressed and again now in the later part of 2018 and the small beginning of 2019.

I’ve found no common link. It just happens on and off.

Depression runs in my family and several close family members have it (on my mom’s side).

On my dad’s side, heart problems run in the family.

At the age of three, Sick kids saw it necessary to give me surgery for VSD (Ventricular septal defect - or whatever). It usually is something that heals on its own but I was apparently very blue for the first parts of my life and had to go to sick kids bi-weekly to be monitored and checked.

In 2016 I had my first nursing placement and I felt chest pain for the very first time.

I’ve felt acid reflux, heartburn, but this wasn’t it.

That I can pass off easily and usually make a joke of it. But this pain its like I can’t breathe.

I’ve been to Emerg five times. Each telling me something different.

Chest pain from working out - I don’t work out ever, and don’t do heavy lifting.

“Heavy lifting a patient?”

No we use the beds to move em up to eat and I get an assist when changing their position in bed.

“Heavy bag?”

I’ve been carrying an overweight backpack since UW. No chest pain then.

Pleural inflammation, pleurisy (same thing), chest wall pain idk.

I started seeing a cardiologist yearly starting that same year of 2016.

This March 2018, they found a heart valve problem. It’s considered normal in latina women or if I’ve travelled to a tropical country and got bit by a mosquito. I’m filipino with possible (if not definite) spanish decent (alexa GARCIA) and the last time I traveled to anywhere tropical was 2014.

So just to make sure all is well I have an MRI scheduled for January of this year 2019.

This saturday I watched Eddie’s (boyfriend) basketball game. I go every week. And this time I felt something I have never felt before. It’s common for me to feel my heart “skip a beat” or sometimes I like my heart “hiccups”.

But this time it was like I felt my heart filling with blood, and then it just stopped. Like it was full of blood or air and it was trapped in my heart. And for a good four seconds it was stuck full of blood. And then slowly the blood went out of my heart.

That’s what it felt like at least. I don’t know what happened. And I couldn’t breathe or say anything. I don’t normally feel my heart filling with blood. Ever. But it just felt like my heart had expanded, and paused and then slowly deflated.

I didn’t tell Eddie because it had passed and it never came back. Also there were 9 other men there and I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Also I’m a nurse and I trust my judgement to call for help when necessary. It was just such a strange feeling.

Now the blessings.

My sister has told me for ages to see a counsellor. And I never have. Until Eddie.

I met Eddie through tindr. Last year, January 1 2018 he messaged me and we started talking. We went on a first date, then a second where he had asked to be exclusive and I was okay.

On the third date he shared very intimate details with me and my heart sank. I knew that if we continued further I’d fall for him because I’m an emotional person. I know myself already I get attached very easily.

That’s why between my breakup with Pat and Eddie I slept around. And I made it a personal rule to have more than one partner. Everyone was aware there was no exclusivity and I did that so I would not build an attachment to one person and if I did feel an attachment I would hang out with the other “buddy”. I won’t disclose how many I had “fun” with but it had worked well for the year and a half it went on.

Also it was safe and I got a check after every parther just in case. IM CLEAN OK.

During that time two had asked to be exclusive/and or turn the arrangement to a dating one and I had said no. I knew that at that time I wanted to be single and focus on school. And it worked. I made the Dean’s List and graduated with Honors and Distinction (REDEMPTION FOR THE FAILED COURSES AT WATERLOO AHAHAHAHAHAHA).

Anyways back to Eddie.

I agreed to be exclusive with Eddie purely based on a gut feeling I had. Stupid? Yes. But he had been very different with me compared with the other “buddies”. He had gotten to know me first and he was a pure gentleman to me.

Anyway on the third date he had agreed to proceed with dating and by the end of that month we were okay with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

Eddie has changed my life. And he is the greatest blessing I received this year.

He helped me through my mental health. And I have never seriously considered getting help for it. With his encouragement, I booked an appointment with a counsellor at school and BINGO. I screened for severe anxiety. And we believe it is situational.

I think I’ve always had it but it sparked up when I started my placements. Why?

Because for the first time in my stupid life I took school seriously. If I fuck up a medication, forget to position someone properly after eating or forget to reposition someone, they could get a bed sore and on a more serious or extreme scenario they could die if I fuck up meds.

So all this I think is what made me more aware of what I was doing.

Let’s be honest.

I never took school seriously in Waterloo.

I did everything last minute.

I only studied the day before exams.

I failed those total of five courses because I did not care.

If I cared I would have studied a bit everyday. Did review every week.

Wanna KNOW HOW I KNOW.

Cause that’s what I’ve done everyday in nursing. In the RPN program and now again in the RN program. I don’t study EVERYDAY, but I do the readings I reflect to be important. I make daily notes. I read them every week. I give myself THREE WEEKS at least to do assignments. I study for exams weeks ahead.

And I do it because I love being a nurse.

I love it.

Anyways. Eddie.

I think anxiety started because I truly love this and take it seriously. So I’m more aware of what I’m doing and maybe that’s what’s driving my anxiety.

But Eddie helped me through it.

I never once had confidence in exams. Even in RPN. Even if I KNEW it would be easy based off of the midterms I was always so nervous and anxious for my exams.

This is the first time I’ve went into exams believing in my own abilities and study habits. Because of Eddie. Eddie has talked me through everything.

He told me I study so much. That I should know. That I should trust myself to know.

And he’s right.

I should trust in myself. I should trust that if I studied it and know it, I can apply it to the questions given to me on exams.

So this term I walked into each exam believing I would do well.

(AND I DID).

I wanted to bad to redeem myself from UW. Although I did not put in the effort to pass, I felt like such a failure for those five courses (they were entirely my fault). I did not care for it. I didn’t study as much as I should have.

So in that failure I really wanted to prove I could do it.

So I pushed myself to do really well to prove to myself. And I did in the RPN program.

I’m prideful though. In my mind the work I put into UW was harder compared to what was asked of me at Conestoga.

So now at McMaster, a University I believed the work asked of me would equal the demand of UW. So if I did well at McMaster that’s the final redemption I want from myself from the failure at UW.

But Eddie made me see I had already redeemed myself. I’m a licensed nurse. I made it into the program. Some people have to apply year after year. I did it.

I’ve never felt more beautiful in my fucking life.

Even when I dated Patrick. Do you know how many belly jokes he pulled on me. Do you know his nickname for me used to be piggy.

Even as a joke it hurt and I had to constantly tell him to stop.

Truly though. Artemio takes the cake. He’s the first person to ever help me see me as beautiful. It was lost when I had dated Patrick.

But it’s come back with Eddie. And it’s in his eyes. Everytime he sees me. I see his eyes light up and his smile comes.

Physical Health

I am ashamed to say. But after grade 9 gym I have done nothing for working out. I do yoga mat stuff ( mountain climbers, pushups, situps) maybe .... two weeks in the last two years. The only consistent workout I’ve received in the last two years are my yearly stress tests from the cardiologist (I run on a treadmill and they use ultrasound to see my pathetic small ass heart).

I love when they turn on the audio of it. I love hearing my heart it’s so effing cool.

But like Eddie made it clear that I need to work on my shit. SO I started seeing a physiotherapist this year. Just to give me exercises to fix my back and strengthen my muscles. I’m also going to bring my weights back to loo with me.

Also on a sidenote, I’m a McMaster student but I’m at Conestoga campus. That’s where the bridging program is. It’s held either at conestoga or mohawk college but we’re Mac students so I’ll still be saying “back to loo” loads.

Eddie opened up my pallette too. ... pallete (sp?).

I’ve always hated eggs but I like the way he cooks it :)

Or I just like his cooking.

With Eddie I became aware of my flaws.

I still carry the fear that I’ll be lied to and left. Or that I’ll be forgotten. Or promises broken. And out of that fear I become possessive.

Eddie helped me work on it.

We compromise.

All I ask is for a text once in awhile just to let me know he’s okay.

“Still out with the guys, im ok” texts.

Because I worry constantly. Another thing I need to work on.

I accomplished my resolution for 2018.

Alam na ako ang Tagalog. Ang grammar na ako is not perfect, dapat, gustong ako nagagaral ako. Pero, maraming ng pracice, the more...matalino na ako.

Like my Tagalog is shit, but I improved. Also I sound better talking compared to typing.

Kasi, ano, when magusap na ako, the words are there. Sa ulo na ako. Pero if I just type it out, hindi ko alam. Walang isip na ako.

So if you’re a native Tagalog speaker pleaSe hlep me thank you.

I learned to cook more shit.

Katsu is basic but I LEARNED IT.

I like my stir fry now, and my potatoes. I like my butter chicken. I like my terriyaki.

Mostly all this asian food which I fry BUT HEY ITS A START.

Eddie did so much for me. I gained independence. I’m okay on my own in Waterloo. I share a basement with a couple but I do everything myself.

My groceries and cooking and cleaning.

And I did this all before but holy crap.

I’ve found time to paint, draw and make things in my spare time. I make my bed everyday. I cook way more than I used to and if anything I’ll order food once a week. And that’s when my studying demands, more of my attention.

I’m taking my health into more consideration now.

My heart problems worry Eddie.

With my suicidal thoughts, there are times when I really don’t give a shit if I die.

Even now. If I die I don’t think I’d mind. I’d be asleep. ANYWAYs. I ‘ll jump into that hole another time.

So since at times I do not value my life, I don’t take the best care of myself. I won’t take my iron pills when I know I have to.

I was anemic last year and would occasionally faint once in awhile. Especially if I take a hot shower and feel dehydrated.

That happened this last december. Eddie was on the phone and he called the cops. I was in loo at the time. So the paramedics came and it was great.

Anyways. Because Eddie cares for me, and because I care for him, I care for myself. STupid I know, I should be doing it for me, but like I said there are times where I don’t care if I die.

Like when I’m driving right. There are times where I think to myself “What if I drove into that pole”

Will I have to worry about exams? Getting a job? Finding a place? Paying rent?

RENT. CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW HIGH RENT IS.

I WILL LIVE MY LIFE, KILLING MYSELF OVER STUDYING TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO RENT A PLACE?

I WANT TO OWN A PLACE YOU KNOW.

LIKE OWN IT.

DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT.

Since I have these thoughts I don’t always take the best care of myself. But I do now. Slowly because I want to for myself. And the root of it is because of Eddie.

Eddie loves me so much. He’s changed so much of his life.

It’s not my place to say what in his life is changed. I don’t know who still reads this but if you are and you know Ed, it’s not fair of me to expose the things in his life that has changed.

BUT I will say he’s improved so much. And his sister thinks so too.

I have never loved someone like this in my life.

In my heart, I know the first person I’ve ever loved is either Amir or Ellery.

Back then I would have done anything for them.

I practically GAVE amir my gameboy advance SP and my leaf green.

And I regret it so much.

After Amir/Ellery the next romantic true love I felt was for Artemio.

And I KNEW okay. I KNEW. But I still loved Artemio that way.

After Artemio was Patrick.

But Eddie it’s so different.

I can’t describe it. It encompassess everything.

Everything I am I want to build so I can have a life with a family with Eddie.

I want a good job so I can afford to have a life with kids with Eddie.

I never, ever wanted to go back to loo.

I got accepted to George brown but I found the program ridiculous.

You want me to go there for a year, only to REAPPLY to stay in the program?

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

So yeah. McMaster/Conestoga it was.

The transition has been so hard. For me to come back here.

Not all of my nursing friends made it anyways to RN.

The only two close friends who made it in were Gabe and Lynda-Lee.

And I miss Jose and Brad so much.

Actually I retract what I had said.

After Patrick was Jose.

I loved Jose okay.

I drove him everywhere. No charge for gas.

I taught him HOW TO DRIVE.

I let him drive my car on the highway with only his G1.

I bought him a long board for his birthday. A LONG BOARD. IVE ALWAYS WANTED ONE I NEVER GOT ONE MYSELF.

Oh my god I loved that guy. He is such a great friend.

I miss our friendship so much.

It’s dwindled because of school. Alot of my nursing friendships dwindled because of school. Well that and we’re nurses so our schedules are absolut shit. 12 hour shifhts days/nights/weekends. So it’s near impossible to plan anything.

I never thought I would get over Jose.

Even when I was with Brad, like I loved Jose.

But man like Eddie.

It’s such a strong love. I don’t even know the word for it.

What Eddie has given me. My confidence, my beliefs, my strenghth.

I’m taking better care of myself because he showed me why it’s important. And I’m the nurse.

Well actually he’s changed too because I shared some things I learned in nursing with him.

Like you’re more likely to get cardiac related illnesses because of blah blah... smoking can lead to blah

and yeah it changed him too.

I like myself better.

My only issue is that I don’t see people as much as I like. And I mean, I moved to Waterloo so transportation is expensivooooo.

First off I’m in school so I work less so = no money.

no money means I can’t afford to see people. And I’m not one to ask for people to cover.

Also I’m in school anyways sooooo I don’t really have time :(

Studying takes me awhile becuase I need constant repetition to remember.

My friend had to quit his part time job to focus on studies. The nurses even warned us that maintaining a full time job and this program would be impossible. And I still find it hard, even with my casual (max two shifts a week) schedule.

And I’m at a point where I prefer staying home. Sitting here watching something on netflix, or reading a book, or painting or making something out of lego.

Honestly I stopped having an interest in seeing friends since I graduated Waterloo.

I live at the northern most point of Richmond Hill. Busing is crap because it’s a two hour bus to downtown most of the time. I drive yes, but parking is a pain honestly. Most of the time it’s me travelling. And I know I live far so it makes sense for me to travel to where everyone else is but yeah it’s a pain. It’s a pain for me to drive, pay to park and then travel more to see someone.

I mean, I’ll DO IT, I just won’t do it as often as I would have back in highschool or undergrad.

I still see friends but not everyone. I used to be so social. I had parties every term in undergrad. I have no energy now.

Literally nursing stole it from me. Or time stole it from me.

I’m not up to anything anymore.

Weekly Dnd? That’s a larger commitment than it once was. School is taking up so much of my time and I need $$$ so I’ve been taking casual shifts in homecare.

I don’t have the time, money, or energy like I used to.

So yes, I’ll still see friends, but like on a seasonal(?) basis.

Girls night is what, every three months? Everyone is so busy.

I’ll see Ellery when I can?

Riyad is my very best friend. After my sister, I tell Riyad everything.

He is the one person I would tell anything to (Other than Ed and my sister).

I love Riyad so much. But I see him maybe once a year.

We’re all so busy and I’m perfectly okay with how things are. I don’t think I need to see people for us to be friends.

It’s what happens I guess. And it’s normal. We keep the friends and stay with those we’re meant to keep if that makes sense. Or we keep who we want to keep.

I’m not sorry for any of it.

I still care for all the friends I’ve made in my life. This Christmas I only texted those that appeared on my texts of that year.

I got some replies that warmed my heart because I had realized how much I missed some.

It’s time man and it sucks.

My focus is on my family. I grew up with the cousins on my mom’s side. We’re all friends. I’ve made them aware of my issues and we share problems we have. I’m more closer to maybe Ryan, Tim, Bogs and Jeremy and my sister.

My mom is retiring soon. My family has been my first set of friends since I was born. So my focus is on building a foundation to stay and keep this family forever.

To keep Eddie forever.

To keep the few friends I talk to occasionally forever.

Right now my focus is school.

If I do well, I’ll land a great nursing job I’ll love.

If I live my life doing a job I love, I’ll be motivated and if I’m motivated I’m set to take care of keep everyone.

I won’t have to worry about money being an issue. I won’t have to worry about distance. Because bro my goal is to live in Toronto so I can stop living in the middle of nowhere.

Actally I can’t say that about Richmond HIll anymore because it has developped so much.

I’m sorry if I’ve been so shit at maintaining friendships. But the phone and social media is a two way street. If it’s on me for not messaging you, then it’s equally on you for not messaging as well soooooo.

I was frequently the one to start events and host parties and I guess I got tired of being the one to always do it. It was an expectation that I’d be the one to get everyone together and honestly like fuck that. It’s alot of responsibility and it can’t always be me.

I think I’m just at a point where I feel guilty because I feel like could have done more to keep people, but I know that the important ones will always be friends despite decreased communication.

But you know I really am so happy with the friends I’ve kept.

I made a list of my top five trusted people in social determinants class. Apparnetly we’re supposed to share very similar features with those we trust.

and my list (prof indicated no blood family on list - otherwise rachel is on there) consisted of five men and the majority of them are gay. SO.

Anyways yes I like myself better.

I’m speaking up more, especially if I feel like something was done against me.

I’m speaking more in class.

I’m taking more charge in our study group.

To the friends I want to keep, I’ve been messaging more frequently (well now that exams are over), and I’m so sorry I’m slowly saving money so I can come out and see you.

Christmas took it out of me :(

BUT the good news is money isn’t always requred :) even if I just message you guys and we catch up through social media I’m happy.

Even though I am far from my cousins and we can’t do ice cream dates or board game dates like we used to, I message them and we keep up on a biweekly basis.

I’m cooking more.

I go to counselling (with a psych appointment coming up because APPARENTLY I need further consultation because some meds might make my heart freak out)

I doing things for me.

I used to care what people think. So Id make myself go out every weekend just to make it seem like I have a life.

But with Ed I’m learning self care first.

I painted for myself starting 2018. I’m drawing now.

I’m making things out of lego when stressed.

I’ve found myself at a point in my life where I’m so happy to be by myself, just playing a video game or watching netflix I feel at peace.

I think if anything. I am more happy because I am finally caring for myself. And I never saw the importance of that until I loved myself through Eddie.

Eddie taught me to love myself and to stand up for myself.

If anything is wrong I tell Eddie.

I see my growth. I didn’t communicate like this to anyone before. Even if not in a relationship. Friendships. If someone I felt was hurting me I didn’t say anything.

It’s only this start of 2018, I felt motivated to speak for myself.

I am more happy because I come first.

My mental health is a priority. My heath is a priority. My diet is a priority.

My happiness is a priorty. My stress relief.

I don’t see the need to stress myself out with the idea that it’s soley on me to build friendships.

I’m happy because Ed shared with me everything. His difficulties and his life and I learned so much from him.

Our relationship isn’t perfect and we have our problems but holy crap is it very uplifting to discuss it with him.

Progress is made everytime we talk about our problems.

Every time.

And we’re improving each other for ourselves because the other inspires us.

He says I grew so much that he wants to start working on himself more.

And I feel like I grew because he taught me so much about myself.

Eddie.

I love you so damn much.

There are times I get so frustrated, and so mad about things that are happening to me. But you somehow make it seem like it’s a mole hill when I’ve made my problems a mountain.

You rantionalize and plan with me. And I’m still so stubborn when you do that but you’re right each time.

I can only deal with what I have in front of me and I should trust in my own abilities to deal with what comes next. And if anything I am not alone. I have you. My sister. Riyad. Puti. I will always have someone. Always.

Thank you so much for making me want to live to see the day where we get married, maybe have kids.

Even now I feel kind of scared to type this out. But I know you and I will work towards that future.

Thank you for making me a priority and for treating me so damn well. Especially these last few stressful months.

Thank you for always thinking of my health - even when I forget.

To remind me to take my iron, especially during shark week,

Thank you for always double checking if I’m okay to shower - (specially since I fainted. For helping me calm down when I’m stressed. And for reminding me to watch my caffeine intake.

Thank you for showing me the importance of mental, physical and self health.

For encouraging me to try new foods (my sister and I grew up as picky eaters).

I love you so damn much.

Thank you so much. I love you and look forward to watching movies with you soon :) OKAY I SLEEP NOW LOVE YOU

#tw: suicide