Every noise is joyful

Sometimes you just cant keep it in

[allowed2bloud]

I am literally sitting alone in steak and shake on Thanksgiving.

If that's not an all time low idk what is.

There's a group of Indian kids enjoying each other's company and milkshakes..

A group of nerd boys who have found solice in their common shared nerdliness who took their grandpa out with them..

One other lonely old guy..

And me.

The waitress keeps calling me madam and I'm trying not to desolve into tears.

I think the last time something like this happened at least I had Aaron.. and we were alone on Christmas Eve bc all the kids were somewhere else. But this is worse.

The longer I'm alone.. the further away from family I get the more I realize this is how it will always be.. and I'm going to die alone.

[allowed2bloud]

I can't remember the last time someone took a picture of me.

I can't even remember the last time someone wanted to take a selfie with me.

Is this what it's like to be invisible?

[allowed2bloud]

Depression is...

Being 37 years old and homeless sitting in your car that just died for the last time on the side of a major highway in rush hour traffic not being able to walk anywhere bc you don't want to leave everything in your car there. So instead you sit in the heat as your car rocks back and forth from the air of other good cars flying past you going way faster than the speed limit and wait for someone to come save you yet again.

And you sit and wait bc you know if you get out of the car before they get there there is no one to stop you from walking out into traffic so you get hit by a semi.

So you wait...

[allowed2bloud]

Lies I tell every day

1. I'm fine

I'm not fine. Today I've spent the better part of 18 hours laying in my friends bed. I came to his house last night when he found me on the side of the road my car broken down fighting the urge to walk out into traffic.

I'm not fine

2. I'm not tired

I dont sleep well .

Be it because I have been sleeping in my car or because I can't fall asleep and stay asleep bc I'm always stressed out.

Be it because my whole body aches from the depression and the stress. I'm tense and I can't relax so I don't sleep.

I'm always tired.

3. I'm not hungry.

I haven't ate more than a sandwich in about 36 hours. Even when I was living somewhere that was "mine" I never really ate

I've trained my body to go with out so that I'm not wasting money or making a mess in someone else's kitchen. Even though I clean up after myself it's never good enough.

Today I am hungry

4. Thank you for caring

Please stop worrying about me. I know I'm a burden and you saying you care or wish you could help actually makes it worse bc be w I'm stressed bc you may actually try and help and I'll just tuin that too.

I really don't want you to worry we know no one can save me.

[melisica]

wrdbnr.com

[allowed2bloud]

Depression is...

Sitting alone in your post car in a crowded parking lot smelling yummy food from no less than 3 restaurants while happy couple's and families walk to their cars, inowing your dinner was a melted protein bar and some bottled water bc you're supposed to be saving money for an apartment you don't think you'll get. All while waiting for the sun to go down enough to justify driving to a different parking lot where you will sleep in your car bc you're homeless and no one really cares.

[allowed2bloud]

I hate that I have to pretend like nothing is wrong

I have to suck it up and act like I wasn't just sitting here crying alone in the backroom..

That I'm not scared that I'll be sleeping in my car or that u can't afford a shitty one bed room apartment..or worse that I can and then I won't have a place for my kids to stay with me and then my ex-husband will find out and take my daughter away forever.

I don't know what else to do..

[allowed2bloud]

Let's talk about..

Chest pains

Laying here in the dark trying not to cry bc all I can think about is how my life is so screwed up.

And I can feel the black hole in my chest getting bigger and bigger..

My jaw is starting to clenched up again. And I can feel my shoulders getting tight.

But it's fine.

I'll be fine.

[allowed2bloud]

I just meant donations to help not any of that. I do understand.

I'm not the type to ask for hand outs. Mostly bc no one ever really wants to help.. and gc I don't want people to think I'm just looking for easy money to blow on stuff instead if working

[allowed2bloud]

Hey do you take donations? Lets talk and make life somewhat better.

I mean.. if you're asking to trade monies for favors from me.. thanks but no.. money isn't always what's gonna fix things. I need a place to live... That doesn't happen like magic

[allowed2bloud]

Can we talk about how I'll be 37 on Tuesday and my life is shit

How far almost 10 years I've basically been homeless.

How my family has told me twice in the last 5 years I needed to leave bc they didn't want me or have room for me.

How I can't even make a home for my kids.

Happy fucking birthday to me .

[allowed2bloud]

I have reached that level of exhaustion that's equals physical pain.

You can see it in my eyes, the way I stand, and the why my jaw is always clenched.

If it was as simple as getting a full night's sleep I would do that. But it's not.

I wake up though out the night bc I'm staying with people,bc it's their house I don't have the right to say can you please not open and close doors every 10 mins, or walk so heavily in the middle of the night on the hard wood floor.

I haven't had a day off in over two weeks. And even if I had a day off I haven't slept past 8 am bc the people who are being kind enough to let me sleep in their basement don't sleep. They can function on maybe 4-6 hrs everyday.

I can't.

I'm also losing a ridiculous amount of weight. I put on a pair of jeans that are a size 14. It's bc I'm working 6 days a week btwn 5 and 9 hr shifts a day on my feel running non stop and I never have time to eat. If I work both jobs on one day I'm on my feet from 9 am until 10 pm, and I don't get a lunch usually bc I give up lunch in order to make it to my second job on time.

I honestly can't remember the last meal I had that wasn't a deli sandwich or cheese and crackers.

I need to say these things to anyone who will listen bc I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm trying to save fir my own place but I'm wasting money bc I'm staying so far away from work. I feel like all I do is fill up my tank.

And no matter how many hours I work or how busy I keep myself I just feel like I'm always empty. Like I'm missing a huge part of my life.

I miss having my kids live with me. I miss spending time with friends.

What's the point of life if all I do is bust my ass and have nothing to show for it

I'm so tired

I feel stupid for crying right now bc I know I'm just tired and hungry and sore.. and lonely.

I just want to come home and I don't have a home.

[allowed2bloud]

The girl on the left loved her blue hair, the girl on the right doesn't know who she is

[allowed2bloud]

I wonder if corpses in coffins

toss and turn all day

Kept awake by the footfalls of the living above their beds.

Staring up into the darkness

Knowing life is there

Six feet above them,

Mocking their existence with movement

That thunders and echoes

Past the piles of dirt.

I too lay awake pleading

With the darkness, begging the night

To swallow me whole

Yet rest doesn't find me

Instead I dream of corpses

Empty eyes staring though the night.

[allowed2bloud]

I honestly can't remember the last time I didn't cry at least once during the day

[allowed2bloud]

The word depression makes me upset.. Bc I don't want to and really can't bring myself to label myself with something that I feel has become so generic.

I'm sad. Bc bad shit happens to me. More that it seems like it happens to anyone else. I feel like a magnet for bad things.

My family gave up on me, even though I spent years being the glue to hold them together.

My friend are always distant bc my sadness makes them uncomfortable. They don't know what it's like to feel empty bc they have living supportive people in their lives.

Jobs fail me.

I've found myself homeless more often than not.

I haven't had a relationship in years.

I feel sad bc I know I deserve a good life but no matter what I do everything falls apart.

Meds don't help bc they make me crazy and stress me out. I worry that I'll end up a zombie like my mother.

Talking to people doesn't help bc eventually I end up pushing everyone away. That's what happens when I get so tired of pretending to be happy for everyone else and I have nothing to be happy for myself about.

A week ago I wanted to die. But I'm still here bc if 2 things. 1. I know that dying won't actually fix anything.. then I'll probably end up a sad ghost that can't die bc I'll be stuff for ever a sad fat frumpy ghost that can't move on.. and 2. I can't bring myself to inconvenience anyone with the task of cleaning up after whatever mess I make killing myself.

Bc even in my darkest hour I put others first. I can't even be selfish in the most selfish thing I could do.

No ones actually going to read this bc no one pays any kind if attention to other people's feelings. Humans by their own nature don't want to be sad so they ignore others feelings and hope if they ignore it ling enough it will just go away.

[twloha]

(x)