an enby bish

why can’t I be skinnii 😩 sw: 119, gw: 100, cw: 122.5

[autistic-af]

What self-diagnosis ISN'T:

I'm so awkward and I saw a TikTok that says being cute is autism!

I want to prove to everyone that self-diagnosis is fake so I'm going to say I'm autistic just to prove to everyone they're stupid.

I'm bored so I'm going to take up "autistic space" so that people pay attention to me and I get lots of autistic stuff and take it all away from real Autistics.

What self-diagnosis IS:

I've been struggling for a long time with social interaction and communication and I'm really tired and anxious and standard therapy isn't helping and I'm scared and tired but I've been doing a LOT of research and taken a lot of online tests repeatedly because I'm scared I'm faking it but I really really really identify with autism and I find that treating myself as autistic and taking care of my sensory needs and relearning social interaction has really helped and the community is helpful and I am finally less afraid but I can't get an official diagnosis because it's expensive/no one around me does them/my family won't let me/doctors are gatekeeping/insert other valid reason and I just want help.

[allpronounsallpower]

Me, a self diagnosed autistic: 😁

[allpronounsallpower]

[allpronounsallpower]

Question:

Tw: Ana topics ahead

Have you ever realized that instead of having just a GW lower than yours, having a max weight is motivating too?

Mine is 125. I will NEVER cross that line and if I do I have a punishment that I make myself do until I am back under. My punishment is triple jump rope for at least 5 minutes every day.

[allpronounsallpower]

It’s time for…

WHAT INANIMATE OBJECT DO I HAVE A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH?

answer in 3

2

1

A JUMP ROPE! 🎉

[allpronounsallpower]

I’m starting to feel so cold all the time, validating.

[allpronounsallpower]

unpopular opinion I like having thicker thighs

[allpronounsallpower]

Someone told me if I wanted to recover just eat when I want to/ feel hungry.

I cant though.

One year of my ED. It started last February. Never recovered for more than 2 weeks.

A year changes you. Failing everywhere else because of your mom’s high standards of course you want her skinny waist so she might love you a little more. But she doesn’t want you to be sick, just skinny.

Because she’s sick. She always has been. I was three when she was throwing up and I never saw her eat breakfast. I was always taught skinny > healthy weight

I want to get better until I see the numbers on the scale or my neck or my thighs when I sit down or the rolls on my stomach when I’m not sucking in.

And I cant tell anyone because I care about basketball and if my coach knows any of this I’ll never score on the court.

[allpronounsallpower]

In my computer science class I heard about the echo tunnel where social media just echoes what you already believe in by following past patterns.

past patterns. Which means that most of my feed is triggering now because I liked a lot of stuff at the height of my ED, right before I stopped using tumblr a lot. And I still kinda avoid it because I’m scared of relapsing and losing control for good.

Because I never told a soul I knew in real life. I fought myself every day to stop and I never really did.

When I’m left home alone I binge eat and hide the evidence. I plan what I eat to this day and when it gets disrupted I stop eating. When nobody knew except discord I felt okay.

Those guys saved my life. They made me try to stop the disordered eating patterns. It’s still not okay, but it might be as good as it ever will which is scary.

“I wanna be okay” -Beach Bunny

[allpronounsallpower]

I’m sitting in my sister’s room all alone and I want to die.

but then I remember her

I need to protect her little sister she loved so much

I need to get revenge on her bully

I need her mom to believe I exist and that I’m not her.

Her, the name in my room, MINE! And I remember what she wanted to do, go to college, kiss a girl, dye her hair, cut it short, pierce her ears, anything to become me.

because Reed is not (deadname)

[piano-princess]

Okay so I'm angry now and just have to say this.

PERIODS ARE NOT SEXUAL. TELLING YOUR KIDS ABOUT PERIODS ISNT GROOMING WTF. TELLING YOUR KIDS ABOUT WOMENS HEALTH ISNT SEXUALISING THEM

Dni if trans

[allpronounsallpower]

This post. Great. Amazing points. But the “dni if trans” I’m confused so I open up the comments and that’s when the terfiness comes out.

I cant believe i have to explain anatomy and gender identity when the comments section tried to 487 times. If you are born with a functioning female reproductive system, you will get a period. This is entirely different than gender identity.

Gender identity is what the person thinks they are, and their body might not align with that. I am an example. I was born female, so when I was 12 i got my period. I am not a woman though, i am nonbinary. Which means yes, non women get periods.

My sister is eight and she understands this, it is not hard. There is no big stretch.

[allpronounsallpower]

ok so you like when I make autism posts bc you guys are reblogging and liking that post like crazy.

[allpronounsallpower]

can we take a minute to appreciate this GROWTH? I think this started in May and now it’s like 7 months later and 45 FOLLOWERS let’s GO!

[allpronounsallpower]

This is not one of my usual posts but nonetheless im making it.

Do you think you have autism?

If yes, are you unable to get a professional diagnosis, but you have hours of research from trusted sites? Your autism is valid.

Do you think you’re invalid because you’re “too old”

Still valid.

Do you mask so well you think it doesn’t count?

still valid.

I didn’t suspect i had autism until I was 12, nearly 13, but since I was almost 13 nobody wanted to go through a lengthy testing process. I masked well, so well that I didn’t “look autistic”, so I had to self diagnose. Some people might think I’m looking for attention but I’m really looking for an explanation of why I’m not normal. I have done countless tests from embraceautism.org because it has actually autistic people who recommend the tests I take and I monitor my scores so I can say I’m autistic.

The word “autism” explained so much for me.

Why I cant make eye contact.

Why I cant maintain conversation

Why my interests are so strong

Why I have to stim all the time

Why I overreact/underreact

Why I go mute sometimes

Why my friends don’t understand me

Why it’s so hard to even make friends in the first place.

So go ahead. Research your suspicions. Just do it so it doesn’t hurt the rest of us self diagnosing. Find trusted sites. Cross check day by day. Come up with a conclusion that makes sense. Don’t lie about symptoms so you can get attention. Stay true to who you really are, aspie or neurotypical. If you are nt, great! You might understand us aspires a bit better after that research.

[allpronounsallpower]

people keep following me and I feel bad because they’re all so skinny and I try so hard but it’s all falling apart

[allpronounsallpower]

It feels so weird to look in the mirror and be happy but the second you step away you just see fat where the mirror didn’t show it.

[allpronounsallpower]

sorry!

haven’t been on forever bc my mom was checking my history and I tried clearing it once but it didn’t work so I had to email links to my gmail account so it didn’t show up in my history and the tumblr link just…

IT DID NOT WANT TO WORK!

but yay now it does!

[allpronounsallpower]

lost weight so rapidly that fatsecret got worried

loving this new me 😍