I am joyful: Five Years Alone
February 1st, 2011 is not a day I think about much anymore. I don’t stop myself anymore and say “Damn, I really had it made and messed it all up”. I don’t get upset, or want to cry, which is an improvement over years in college where I wouldn’t get out of bed and do anything on that date. However, something came up today that made me think of February 2011, for the first time in a long time today.
I have only ever truly had one girlfriend, only ever been in one stable relationship. It was 350 days long, just shy of a year. She was kind, funny, smart, and made me a better person. If you had high school Davis write down everything that he was looking for in a girl, she hit every note. I was young, she was even younger. I was off at college, she still had two years of high school. I remember the logical part of my brain in 2010 saying: “This is a bad idea, break up with her before you go to school”, but damn if I wasn’t completely and utterly in love with that girl. So I forced myself to believe that we could do it, we could be that couple that makes it through. I had high hopes for us, I thought it would all be alright. It wasn’t. On February 1st , 2011 it ended. With a phone call:
“Hey sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“I think we are on different pages and…”
“So you’re breaking up with me?”
“huh….have a nice life.” Click.
I think I tried to call her back, 10 minutes after, as I walked home from my tutoring job. She didn’t want to talk. I wanted to text and try and figure out what happened the months after. I made her say she didn’t love me. I was that crazy ex-boyfriend that you hear horror stories about. I was undone.
After it became clear that there was no winning her back, I went into a tail spin. Every dark view I had on humanity (I was already a cynic to begin with) was confirmed. People were out to get you, love is a lie, and never let your emotion guide you because they are fickle and will bring you nothing but pain. I went to therapy, put on A TON of weight, turned my back on practicing my faith, and shut myself off from really connecting with people on a deep level. The hateful caricature I had created as a device to hide my true feelings for people became my reality. I was miserable. A dear friend in college looked at me and said “Davis, the first thing people think about when they think about you is hate. That’s not good, man.”
That behavior continued all the way through college. I would tell everyone I hated everything. I would say horrible things to people just to elicit a reaction, and to make them keep their distance, because I would be damned before I let another human being reject me like that again, I would be damned before I gave someone that much power over me.
I feel silly talking about something that happened five years ago. I am sure you might be thinking: “Dude, get over it, move on”. Don’t worry, I have. I don’t carry around the pain of that day with me anymore. I don’t get angry when I think about her, us, or our 350 days together. I do, however, need to remember what happened afterwards. I have to remind myself of that terrible gremlin of a man I became, all because someone else decided I wasn’t good enough.
I am not that angry man. I am not a hateful person. I am loving, optimistic, and kind. I am the person that lights up the room, not takes the joy out of it. I am a loyal friend, who trusts other people, and allows them to care for me in whatever way they see fit. I am someone who lets people in, and embraces them with warmth. That is the man I have chosen to be for the last year and a half, following graduation.
Why did I feel the need to write all of this down?
It’s because I am proud to no longer live in the darkness that I brought on myself. It’s because I am proud of taking responsibility for my own shortcomings. It’s because I am proud that I went from wanting to kill myself 2 years ago and almost not graduating, to now having a successful career.
I didn’t become that dark person because of what happened on February 1. 2011. I became it because I no longer saw the value in myself, and in turn wouldn’t let other people find it in me, and, to be honest, I stopped believing God loved me.
So why did I remember February 1, 2011 today, on what would have been our sixth anniversary? Why did I stop and think about the last five years?
Simple: Someone introduced me to their best friend as “The happiest person I know”. I
That is something to celebrate.
I still have work to do. I still have to reclaim my body and find a way to make it healthy again. I still have to rebuild broken relationships. I still have to prove to people that I can love better than I can hate. I still need to recommit myself to practicing my faith and allowing Jesus to pour his grace into the darkness that still lingers within me. I can do it. I am the happiest person that someone knows. I am loved. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am joyful.
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