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In which we map the past

The only reason why these two memories stand out is because of how it felt. Isn’t that the reason why we do a lot of things? Because we feel them?

The first one was when I finally let go. I remember him dragging me along after spending the day with my family. I was ragged, and I just wanted to get the day over with. After months of fighting and dwindling resolve, the day finally came. “I’m taking you home,” he said. I stared blankly out the window as I drove through the streets. I took the route I’ve memorized by heart. I had to go through a lot to get to that day, and I have scars to prove that it I almost lost the fight. Yet the farther I drove away, the less and less they hurt.

The second moment consisted of such big steps, but as I think of it now, just came so fleeting for something that should have mattered more. I have waited to finish school for seven years before I graduated in June. For some reason, however, there’s barely anything I can reach from my memories. It was a gloomy afternoon and I was struggling to wear my graduation cap. As I adjusted my dress consciously, I reminded myself that it was just a culmination of my efforts for higher education. For everyone else though, it meant a whole lot more. They were so happy for me and maybe I just didn’t feel the gravity of it.

As I rethink these two moments, I realize that I am made up of my choices and all the consequences that come with it. I am made up of the memories and the people I choose to share them with. There’s no forgetting, merely moving forward.

#Adjourn2017

In which we softly linger

“It’s always darkest before the dawn,” is what they tell survivors. And that’s how I felt like for the first few months of 2017. I didn’t realize that despite the changes and failures in the last few years, the hole I’ve dug could get any deeper and harder to crawl out of. On multiple occasions, I got so close to giving up that I stopped caring. I pushed people away, I hid under the covers until self-preservation forced me to breathe. My hands shook so often that peace felt unnatural. There was a lot of love thrown my way, but it was just enough to make me want to stay alive. Thing is, I wanted to live.

It wasn’t until May that I broke my silence. After seeking for help in 2016, the last year has been about doing something meaningful for myself.

She always told me to be brave. She told me that if I wanted things badly, I had to start being strong enough to fight for them. And so I did. I hurt a few people along the way, but I am in a better place than I ever have been.

The last five months have been a blur. I am physically exhausted, but my heart is full. It isn’t just about being able to do what I want. It is about finding happiness in the little things. There are days when I still find myself stuck in the dark trying to catch my breath but darling, I can see the dawn from here.

#Adjourn2017