Almost 40 for fuck sakes!

Writer. Aspire. Opinionated. Theories. Thoughts. Creative. Spiritual. Little fucks given. Life lessons.

[almost40ffs]

Mm i wanted your hands on me/ my body screamin'/ my heart was thumpin'/ my mind said mm mm this is no place to be/

there is no trust/ your fear started to thrust/ back up, don't go there/ I swear/ youre just nowhere near there/

he is furthest from fair/ it's not too late/ save your grace/ to myself I stay true to me/

the night would end in regret/ tears would get your pillow wet/

you're strong with defiance/ never mess with your alliance/ put your s*x on the shelf/ save yourself for yourself/

little boy has no respect/ indeed he screams desperate need/ but then again what did you expect/

open your pages to align with me/ as desperate as one can be/ it is a dangerous sexuality/

that is your gift to me/ my body belongs to she

[almost40ffs]

Omg 😂 haven't you ever just busted out dancing and singing your own damn song? My heart just swell, my mind was at piece, my body was like oh baby yess woo! cause I was feelin' my grown a** self. Wow, nobody told me what feeling grown actually felt like. Is that 35? I barely recognize the girl coming outta me but I'm lovin' me some her. Takes notes! I ain't little anymore 😘 recognize! Idk where this side came from but I'm fixin to keep her for good. Watch out 😉 she's a flirt and she's confident. I'm regaining my confidence but it's stronger with age. It's different. I can feel a whole different spirit reaching out like grab me!! Grab me, girl! We fit together like a a goddamn cozy sock!

[almost40ffs]

I know few will read this and that's okay. I know it's long. But so is life. I feel like I am 100 years old with all my trials.

I lost parts of me, major parts, that made me who I am today. As I remember these moments, traumatic or not, I am being molded and multiplied. I am merging the little girl I was, the woman I was, to the woman I am today. We are molding, welding, melting together. We are intertwined. As these steps and moments and memories manifested, I lost myself but I am slowly regaining myself. And I just want to cry right now because no one knew the difference. But I did and it was scary. We have some work to do but I just know there is soa greater purpose for me out there and I am open to it, whether it'll happen my way or not. I lost some of my memories of my past and a lot of people would say we are meant to let them go. Not me. Those memories made me who I was. I'll let go of the pain but I'll never let go of the images. I am open because something miraculous happened and I want to share it. Now that I can handle it all better, the bad things that I tucked away and ignored for many years. We are healing them parts properly now. So I am learning to hold my shoulders up, back straight, feet planted in my roots. My roots of my grounds, my roots of my life, my roots of my childhood, my roots where I came from, my roots that I planted now. I am learning to walk with defiance. It's just, we (me, myself, and I) lost our purpose for a moment. We realize we lost the greatest most important parts of our life. As much as I hated it, I am happy and proud because the universe and the spirit has showed me "girl!! Them the things you got through and made YOU! Own them! They big things! They ain't little!!" No, they are not little. Some things are still fuzzy and some things were said that happened during confusion. Some doors have opened to shed some slight on them confusing things. There is still someone out there I would like to meet now that I know he is not who I thought he was. Slowly, my memories are coming back but I won't commit to them until I am seeing with my eyes, not my mind. I must be patient and while I am patient, I will work on myself, my mental health, and try not to be scared and always be the kind, silly girl everyone knows and loves. If you hear some words come out of my mouth that you are not used to, please understand there is/are parts of me coming back for the first time in years. I showed them parts of me but not on home grounds. I am becoming openly me to more people and trying my best not to get anxiety over it. I am trying my best not to hide or shy away who I truly am, who I want people to meet. 🤣 I just be scared it'll make someone awkwardly like me. So, I want to introduce people to the real me. I am not fake. I am not a liar. I am not making shit up for attention. That was truly a scary time for me. A little over a year later, I am healing what broke me. We are healing. I don't know what the future holds and I have hopes upon hopes and wishes to be granted before I die or someone else goes. For years, after the accident, I realized life is way too short. I could have died but I made it out with minor injuries. Even my mind was safe. I did not lose my memories, just small things that were just inconveniences. I talked myself through them. All that was important was that I knew the time, faces, where I was, and how. Everything else came with time. So honestly, here is to accepting the past and realizing the universe aligns you with what you NEED to know. It did that for me. And weed did, too. I'll be okay. With tears in my eyes, I am always pulling through no matter how exhausted I get. This is why I can give life advice and was wise beyond my years. So, bare with me, if you are in my corner. It has been a long tough life but I made it worth while with friends and family by my side.

One fact remains, my body is a temple, my temple and I will never let another man or woman violate it again!!

Love you, guys.

[almost40ffs]

Sometimes your mind just takes a dip. I had to give up weed for a bit cause it made it dip more. It's in the process of processing and changing.

Hang in there, buddy ❤️

[almost40ffs]

"you ever thought about what it would be like to move back home?"

The question that looms right this second. No, I didn't. I just thought it would be safer to be around people that know me. I could've stayed where I was but it would've been much too difficult without a way around. I was thinking realistically and financially. But did I really think about what it would be like? No. It had been a while since I thought about the ghosts.

[almost40ffs]

That's right, you beautiful girl, grip it! Face it! Stare it head on just as it stares you in the face. Don't let that shit be your reflection.

[almost40ffs]

"I do ya like I do ya cause I thought you could take it. No? I m sorry" 🤣

I am so tired of hearing I'm sorry. I heard that shit from my momma, fix yours.

[aidashakur]

Not a soul in this world can take away what’s meant for you, remember that.

[almost40ffs]

You never paid for your crime but you took my time when you ain't even worth a damn dime.

[almost40ffs]

Because I look at myself and say "girl, who would hurt you?! Who? Because I'm about to rip them if they ever come near you!"

Cause that is the kind of friend I am and need. I am joy! I am someone people love to be around, but you wanna f*ck with me while I am blind? You got another thing coming on this fun motherf*cking joy ride. Honey, my joy is joyful but piss me off and it'll be "oh what a joy it is to see you!" Game on.

You never paid for your crime but you took my time.

[almost40ffs]

Just like Tangie and nyla on " for colored girls" you gotta have jokes in your life when you have a certain kind of mother.

Mm this movie and the way they speak.."that man ran off with my innocence!" And you brought him around.. him and his family.. they ran off with my innocence.

Poetry and writing gives you power. It is not a story about my life, it is me bringing back my power and what is rightfully mine.

[almost40ffs]

When you won't let yourself go...

Im letting go.. of the pristine picture I know. The one I painted. I grieved you and honored you but now is the time to let it go. It just bubbles and comes in fast, rapid flows, tears falling and I know it shows. The pain, the agony, the hiding... I never let it show, not for anyone, not even my daddy but he always knows. I still didn't let it show when he showed me he knows.

As easy as it came, the realization that my demon is my mom, he saw it and he said baby just let it go. He said, let that baby feel what she already knows. Because he knows all too well I'll never let it show. He knows I'll just tell myself no, no, no.. I don't want to. He said hush, just let that baby shed what she knows. I sit here feeling that bubble bust and I can't control what easily flows. Cause in my mind, I say shh to myself, hold it and get a grip; yes, I know you never let it show he said, baby just let it go. I know you've sat many days and nights sheltering yourself, locked up in your room with your headphones writing all the pain into your inferno like Dante Alighieri. Let the child in you feel all the things you never showed. Heal, girl, heal. Do what you do best. And I still say, I'll never let it show, with a gleam in my eyes; i dont want sad eyes of sympathy, that's why I say this is not for f*cking show. I'll never let your eyes look at me like I'm a sad puppet show. I'll never let them show pity! Just tell me you understand so I can decide which direction to go. I know, it's time for me to grow.

[almost40ffs]

You get what you are given, whether it be natural or given by a human. You decide what you want to do with it. Nothing has to stay how you receive it. You don't have to be a product of your environment or living. Part of me doesn't truly believe you get what you give because you made those conscious decisions on your own. You could've avoided that person or that thing. You could've avoided them temptations or situations. No, you are not being punished. It is your own choices and disregard for your safety. No, it is not your fault. They made those choices to put you in harms way. But it is up to YOU what you want to do, how you want to do it.. are you going to fall down that rabbit hole? Or are you going to face it and change it?

Oh believe me, I fight memories because I don't want to remember but I have to face them once and for all. I have to finally admit to myself all the things I saw. I have to admit to myself what I heard and accept the things as they were. I only changed the bad into good in my head so that I could see a pretty picture, keep those thoughts and that part of life hidden. I hid my mom for so long. It's time to polish off who she was and remember how she was. This is for me. I have to face it and fight it. I have to admit to myself while she was my mom and someone I need, she is not someone I would want around. Stumbling upon everything made me open my eyes. She was sick and demented. I loved her but I hid the monster like I was turning a blind eye. I reminded myself she was sick but there were many times I said suck it up and fix yourself. Me and Daddy both did, we gave up. We couldn't fight her. He protected me at all costs and I tried to keep him from seeing the truth. I protected my mom, as well, until I couldn't. When wrong was wrong, I let her know I was mad. I only forgave her because what could I do? That was life with her. "I got it. I have it. I'll get her." Those were the words when I took charge. My dad had no idea what his daughter slayed.

Now my eyes are open because I got so high that my mind unlocked. I had been dealing with these things for quite some time. They weren't so vivid. So, I sit in my leather chair in my mind, like an office, pen and paper at hand, analyzing and watching myself so that I don't end up like her. A mental illness is not permanent. It's a long battle but it's not permanent. You have to be willing, have the strongest will power ever. Do you want to live? I know it's tiring but do you want to live? Because of my mom, that is how I remained kind. Because you never know what battles are behind another's mind. So that's why, even though I may not have taken my mother's side, I still said fuck you to the ones that would make my mother cry. Do you know how hard it was to hide her in plain sight? To keep her from losing her mind and putting up a fight? One little thing would set her a flight. I had to keep her calm, not you, motherf*ckers.

I knew what was wrong and what was right. I had my own mind and opinions with fight. I had a fight in me that made it out to set it right. I gave up because this was life, right? Now, I sit here with all these memories and truths, a lot of news that came to present light. No one understands I would set it all right. What can you do but wait and wait for the next morning light.

[almost40ffs]

Mom, you and your demon, that evil spirit you took with you, are both jealous. I can feel it and it's not a crazy notion. Betcha didn't know I practiced or paid attention all them years. You're mad I'm perfect, the perfect daughter! You're mad I beat what you could not! And I continue to slay! Guess you could say I'm fighting against God's way. How they say whatever you get was God's plan, I'm fighting that. No sir, that is a demon trying to flex but I'm bigger than that. Hey, demon, we have personally never met. You and my mom can't have what I am trying to get. I'm fighting it all, fighting against all odds. I'm using my years of wonders and make belief to kill the soul thief. Guess in the end, we all truly get what we gonna get. You get what you deserve and it is silver plated served.

😑 Don't try to scare me into thinking you can make noise to show your mad, either. I'm learning to make it my own and say my own spirit projects itself against you all. She beats you to the punch. And I ain't gotta ask God. 👀 don't ask me who my protecting spirit is. All I know is it is with me everywhere, no matter what or where I land. I've been given gifts. I've been protected. I've been lucky. I also protected myself since I was a little kid.

[almost40ffs]

When I hear the mocking voice, it leaves me no choice. I turn it into my sick mom, with her sick smile. When I hear that voice, I seek protection and protect my ears, eyes, and mouth. It reminds me to fight the same demon my mom let out of her mouth and into her head. It was poison to my ears and still is to this day. I believe I battle the same faceless monster that tries to speak to me. It tries to make me follow it and make me feel like shit.

I picture my mom when she was sick. I picture that demon that spoke through her. I say no more, you can't penetrate me. I had a woman speak to me in manners I can't discuss. I had a man speak to me in manners I can't discuss. I picture the monsters I knew and make them that voice. The only difference is, when mom was sick, I ignored her every time her tongue whipped and her smile curled. I always say if you sleep with a rotten apple, you become rotten yourself. Ugh, let's not forget the children they lust and how they speak with such a tongue upon innocent ears. I have fought voices like such. I fought them and slayed with my own tongue and force.

When I picture my mom, that feeling I felt in my soul ebbs away. Because it was so easy to ignore her presence when she spoke. I'd just roll my eyes and commence what I was doing. I'd just holler and say forget it and just keep going. Mommy dearest, I love your soul but what was eating you killed who you were. So, when someone says your mom is around you, I can't picture that etheric being, cleansed soul. I keep the real woman right where I am because that's all I knew before times end. This is my protection for every time the same demon tries to penetrate my trust, my shield, my being. You won't take me down with you. I won't go to hell with you. I refuse! to go out with the mocking Jay in my head. Take your demons with you. Take my mother with you. Take her boyfriend with you. They have no room in my head with their taunting presence.

My mom, I love her dearly but she was one of my monsters, too. When her spirit is near, when I hear her voice, as much as I'd miss it, the way it speaks leaves me no choice. Banish thee. Go back to where you came from. You take shape of every loved one. You think I didn't see? You dont think I know? Please, I've been around and I ain't for show. I know exactly how to defend my shell. I know exactly how to defend myself against narcissistic pollution.

So every time I hear you, I picture the monsters that hurt me. It just so happens you remind me of my mother because I am sure you were in her spirit, attacking her to try and attack me. You couldn't win me. I was smart and quick. Ah, yes, I grew up quick. I grew up learning how to fight them all. I kept my shield tight like a cocoon. Blast me what you will, I'll just ignore you the same way I did my mother's ill. I won't be sick like her. I won't become that monster that is meant to be killed. Go. Your demons are your own. You cannot and will not take me.

[almost40ffs]

I can feel you all across my heart, baring naked in my mind, stretched out for miles just for me to see. What a marvel, a sight to see; it pains me that you'll never be mine complaisantly mine.

[almost40ffs]

If I get called looney, so be it. They never did anything for me anyway but judge. There was a time I never wanted to come back and I feel that. To run and hide away in a place where no one knows you but can tell when something's wrong. They never judged. They never ridiculed. I don't care what anybody says, because speak to me when you haven't hung your dirty drawers in your life. Tell me when you've reached understanding and perfection with your Almighty nose up in the air. Only then will I realize you pick on the ones you think are below you when you, my sir, are far from perfection. I never cared what the whispers of a small town said. Forgive me not for baring my soul and speaking my mind, keep your condescending words to yourself because I could write a book on your "perfection". I know your stories almost as well as mine.