Unwritten Story Of My Life @alohadvn808 - Tumblr Blog

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I don't know what other validation I need to be satisfied with my decision to move back to Hawaii. I feel like I have covered my bases and everything but why do I feel like there are still some people not supporting my decision. Yes, I am having some thought of backing out but at the same time I have done all the necessary things and I really need to do something for myself this time. Im not quite sure what other validations I need but damn, im having second thoughts. I want to be more excited and stuff but why do I feel like there's something thats stopping me from being happy? I think I need to book my flight soon that way I don't have anymore thought of backing out. I really want to take this opportunity to focus on myself and do the things I want to do instead of just waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I need the freedom and I need to move forward. I need to be somewhere else so I can stop thinking about so many things. I thought I have been okay, but im not and I think thats my head telling me im not going to make it. but I know I can. I have people that support me and people that are there to help me. im sticking to my decision and I am going. no matter what other people say. I need to do this for me.

doing something major again. after 8 years of living here in Washington, im moving back to Hawaii for work. I got the job and I have accepted the offer. am I ready? not really sure. im leaving so many things behind here at home but I think it will make me have a reset. I will have less things to worry about hopefully and im hoping that it will help me in so many ways. I just feel drained and I feel hopeless right now. some might say im very indecisive when it comes to what I want but in reality, I just don't even know what I want yet. im exploring the possibilities and im finally ding something for myself again. there may be some hesitation but im trying to be positive. yes I am doing it for the pay, but im also doing it because when I was there, surrounded by friends and family, I felt supported. unlike here, I feel as though im a problem and everything I do is not up to their standards. its going to be another crazy transition but im hoping for a great outcome. im hoping to heal and be better.

I have been better and have been working on my mental health the past few days and yesterday my ex calls me and wants to ruin what I have been working on for myself. I hate the fact that shes wanting us to end really badly. We ended our relationship pretty okay and I feel like she wants me to hate her. well she succeeded. I fuckin hate it when people make me look like an idiot. the fact that she thought it was funny makes me feel disgusted by her. I thought she was better than that.

So many things have happened. I went on a trip back to Hawaii so I could have some time to think and see what I needed. I am truly greatful for my friends and family back home in Hawaii because they were able to just listen to my feelings and they were able to validate that whatever I am going through is something that can be fixed and that only I can help myself. I have been feeling very drained lately and I feel like the added responsibility I was giving myself with the engagement made me go crazy. long story short, I am no longer engaged and I am now single. She wasn't able to handle my depression and she that we decided to part ways mutually. I did think that we were going to be okay as friends and that we didn't need to block each other on social media but she wasn't able to handle that so she decided to block me. I guess it's for the best. right now you can't blame me for still wanting to know how she is doing and what she is up to because I still look a her account but I do know that I should stop doing that because its not healthy. I know what I need to do and im just wanting to make sure that everything works out before I make a move. as much as I want to just drop everything and go, I have to make sure that I have something I can go to and be prepared even the slightest bit. I know my friends are willing to help me and everything but I don't want to rely on that help when I know I can still help myself. I will try everything I can do it my way first and then if nothing is working out, I will ask for help. I want to surprise my best friend for his 30th birthday and go back to Hawaii but I have to make sure that I am able to do so before I book a flight. there has been so many things that I am kinda okay, but I know I still have a lot of things to take care of. Being there with my friends did help me and I was able to unwind for a little bit but it was very short. I must admit I was able to think a little less and was also able to open up to my friends. we didn't need to drink or anything, I was just vulnerable. I knew how much my best friend cared about me but while I was there, I didn't expect him to say the things he said. I am willing to drop everything for anyone when they need me, and when he said that he needs me there, I felt like i was letting him down because he was doing it for me, not because he really needed me right now. it might not make sense, but he only said that because he wants to be there in moments when I need him. he know that I would not ask him for help if I am far from him. Thats why he wants me there so I can just ask him face to face. the thing is that he can feel it when something is up just by the way I look or act. so when I am there, he can see me and he knows how to just get things out of my head without forcing it out. he is my brother and would never ask for anything more. this trip made me realize that there are people that care about me and that love me for even the smallest things I do. they appreciate the small things I do for them and they keep them in mind. I just wish that these little things that I do can be appreciated by the people closest to me, but sometimes the little mistakes that I do is what they see. I think that where all the trauma is coming from and all I do about it is runway from them. maybe I am going to runaway again, but this time its for my own good. I think I do need to be selfish this time.

Finding peace is my goal at the moment. I may or may not know where my life is heading and what happens next, but I will handle them as they come. Right now I may still need to help myself get to where i need to be, but I will get there. Life has been okay but i cant say I have been satisfied where I am.

i have been doing okay the past few days and now im having a mini episode. im not really on the bad side of it, but i do feel like i am having some type of low right now. i am feeling like i want to be alone and that i have been interacting too much. i think i need a break from it again. i feel like i am getting better but when i start feeling that way i end up having some off days again. i have been off meds for about 3-4 days now and i thought that would be okay. i want to rely less on my meds but i feel like i need to keep taking it because i end up having some episodes again. i am wanting to go to somewhere this weekend but im not sure. i have to get up for work in about 3 hours and im not asleep yet. i did take a long nap earlier ut im not sure if thats the reason why.

I got another message from her today. I haven't responded. I have been trying to do more things the past few days and I have had some good moments. I guess me trying to not think about her has been good but also hurts at the same time. I want to be happy but I also wanted us to work. but now im the one with the fear that whenever she feels like it's getting hard, she will just runaway again. im not sure what to say to her. I guess I just have to be honest and tell her what has been going on the past few days.

I don't know what came over my head. suicidal thoughts came through earlier and I really had to tell myself to stop. I am hurting as well. I may not be able to show it as clear as I want, but I can't control it. I really want to cry but I can't. I want to be sad. I think im sad. I don't even know. but I came home from work early because I was having a panic attack earlier. I don't even know what triggered it but I was just too overwhelmed. I am just not going to be in the mood I want to be in. im not sure what else to do.

I don't know what to feel. I want to cry but can't. she's saying she's broken but she was the one that wanted to return the ring. I asked her to keep it. she said no. she wants me to delete our memories but I can't. I won't. should I have fought harder and not let her go? but what if she gets hurt even more because of me? does she really understand what im going through or she doesn't want anything to do with it? im at a lost. im medicated and I can't seem to get a grip on my emotion. as much as I think about wanting to just let it all out, im having a hard time doing so. I am so far and distant from my emotions that I feel numb. I can't explain how to feel or what to feel. I am also broken. but even that I can't do properly.

she broke up with me.

I have a bad feeling about what's going to happen in the next few days. as much as I don't want to think about it, I just feel like it's going to happen. I think she's done and I think she's tired. I think she's about to give up and there's nothing I can do. I can't be the only one that's going to make an effort to see her. I think she is more than capable of doing it too. I just don't think she knows how to handle my situation because even I don't know how to deal with it. im also having a hard time. I completely understand if she does give up. I just thought that she might be a little more understanding. I have been there for her when she needed me. now that I need her, I don't think she can be there for me. I just feel like I have to be the one to give everything up. as easy as it is to say, it's really hard to do. I can't just escape from my responsibilities here and do as I please. yes, I used to take a lot of risk and just do things but I feel like I don't have the luxury to do that anymore. I used to. I want it to work. I just need a little more time to actually figure things out. I think her patience are running low and I can't blame her. I think I don't want to be the one to do it. not this time. I can't be it again.

im not sure what to tell her. I just feel like she doesn't really understand what I'm going through. I feel like I have to keep explaining myself to her what my situation is. I feel like there shouldn't be a lot of things to explain when it comes to depression and anxiety but I feel like I have to keep doing it for her. I didn't think she would be reacting like this. I don't think im in the right mind to explain everything that's happening ad I can't even really think about what to say. its like every time I try to do something for her or when I try to explain to her my situation there's always something that she will not agree with or there's always a counter for it. I think im feeling too behind but as I was told, I shouldn't be on other peoples timeline and I should be on my own timeline.

its been about 2 days since I got a reality check by my friends. there were a few things that made me realize that I am escaping from my thoughts and that I have the answers to my own questions. LA made a point, I keep wanting the validation of other people and I care about what other people think more than what I think. I am so focused on other people perception of me that I have been blinded by them. I used to be more of a risk taker and a go getter and it was because of my positive attitude. I am trying to slowly come back from this deep grave I dug for myself and set and achieve more little goals. I will get there eventually. it may take some time. Timmy and LA are right, I shouldn't be following other peoples timeline and I just need to go with my own timeline. I can't be putting so much pressure on myself just because other people are doing great and to also think about the small wins I have achieved. its so easy to just forget about the little wins I have achieved and focus on the things that I haven't. one day at a time. one thing at a time. I will get there.

had to skip work today. wasn't able to sleep until 5am this morning. had a hard time trying to sleep. still don't feel like I'm going to be able to sleep. I told myself last night that I am going to take my medication today but I didn't. I skipped it again. gonna try again tomorrow morning. hopefully I'm going to be a little more productive tomorrow than today.

can't seem to sleep again. not sure why. my sleep schedule has been fucked up for months now and im not sure what else to do. it could be because I haven't taken my antidepressants for a few months now and thats why im having trouble sleeping. it has been giving me a lot of headaches and im just not having the best time with it. I have skipped work multiple times due to my lack of sleep. I try to make it sometimes but most of the time I just really feel so tired and out of it. I don't want to rely on my medication to help with sleep but i think I need to take them to help with sleep. the only problem is that it makes me feel hungover the following day. I haven't really had any problems lately, or so I tell myself. I don't know. I can't really think straight either. I feel like there's something I need to say but I don't say it. or something in my mind that I need to let out but I can't figure out what it is. I feel so lost and I don't now whats wrong with me. at this point im gonna end up going to work with no sleep again and just waiting for them to send me home because im just going to come up with some excuse as to why I needed to go home again. fuck this man, I don't know what else to do. im just here to say whats happening right now in hopes that it will help me fall asleep. clear my mind off of random things. I don't even know what else to say at this point. I feel like im just going to keep repeating everything and nothing will be cleared out of mind. im not sure what else I can do at this point because it's already 12:55 PM. my stomach is rumbling, I head feels like its pulsating, and my thoughts are everywhere. now im drawing a blank as to what else I want to say. I could end up doom scrolling and still won't be able to sleep. i need to stop myself from spending money I don't have. I have looking at things online again and I don't even have the money to really pay for it. I don't even have enough to pay for my car. i keep wasting money on things I don't need. I am in major debt and im still learning from all these financial shit. I need to make myself accountable and be more responsible with money. there's so many things I want to do and I need to make sure I am able to provide the life that me and mai wants. I feel like im already failing at that and here I am about to just give up again because I feel like there is no progress but there can't be any progress because I can't stop spending money I should be saving. I feel like I need to just put my money away and not put it in the bank so I don't get to spend them. im trying but I still end up getting them out of savings. not that I have a lot in there but I have some. I need to remind myself to not spend money. if I want to change my life, I need to do this. I need to be making the difference i need to make if I want things to work out the way I want them to be. even with my self. I need to reset everything in my life right now but I can't just stop everything and reset. I need to reset without damaging anything have now. I need to give things up in able for me to really reset. fuck man, this is just too much right now. so many random shit in my head that I need to unload. fuck

insomnia

here we are again, another late night. my mind is pretty clear in my opinion, but its keeping me awake. I have been scrolling through TikTok this whole time and im having a hard time sleeping. I got back on my meds and I think it kinda helped me get back into a pretty normal state. I guess my only issue now is the sleeping part. im not sure if im longing to have someone next to me while I sleep or I need another warmth from another person. I guess I am on that stage where I think I want to be in another relationship but im too afraid to commit. im just really here to kill some time in hopes that it will somehow help me fall asleep. its a short one tonight but just wanted to check in real quick. ill try to sleep now. goodnight.

confused..

I honestly don't know where things are going with the person im talking to. like im not sure if there's even a slight chance that we could be together or we are both just longing to have company. there has been a few things we have been able to talk about but I feel like she's still hanging on to the past. and I get it, I have hurt her before and I have made my fait share of mistakes, but im trying to be better. but I feel like no matter how hard I try I still get the short end of the stick. I don't know if I even deserve to be given a second chance. she said that we don't have a label, but she acts like we do,. im confused as to what she really wants. the thing is that she says something else and her actions are also conflicting from what she says. I don't know. I think im just going with the flow at this point and im just waiting. she wants me to decide on what happens next but I don't feel like I deserve to make that decision so im giving it to her. anyway, I just wanted to get that off my head instead of having it stuck in there roaming around. a new journey starts soon and im pretty stoked as to how things will work out.

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