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@alonelypunk
I’m doing this thing where i drink water and ride everyday. My main concern is that I want to ride my bike super fast lol and means that I have to gain strength and lose some lbs. It’s all good or whatever but yeah I’m going to be posting selfies everyday to see the difference in my face. I won’t be doing full body posts bec that would hurt my self-esteem. Lol.
I was all mad because this dude was/is ignoring me but then I realized he is avoiding me, too. Like, literally not going to any places we used to go to or anything. This fucking sucks.
Get on tumblr again
do you want to hear about a bunch of sad stuff o que?
about three weeks back, i was laying in bed with a dude i really like and he held me in his arms after sex. I remember smiling and feeling really happy. being held by a person i care about is one of the newer feelings I’ve encountered.
he held me in his arms and a memory of the last time i felt a similar way popped into my head. i was in Virginia for a conference for an organization i have been involved with. The conference was held at a beautiful rural events center where events like weddings, conferences, birthday parties, etc can be held so there were a lot of trees and cool stuff to do at the events center.
one of the things they had were bikes. there were bikes all unlocked at the front desk (it was weird that they were unlocked) and we were encouraged to do fun stuff so towards the end of my stay, I decided I wanted to bike ride alone. I wanted to see more of the place so during lunch, I ate real quick and hopped on a bike.
It had been almost three years since I been on a bike. the last bike I had (before it was stolen) was a mountain bike. it was pretty cool and pink. so I hopped on this cruiser and I just rode about 10 feet until I realized I didn’t know how to brake. I had never been on a bike without handle brakes so as I was going down hill, I figured my best option to stop was to slam into a stone wall that was about waist high. So i slammed into the stone wall. I wasn’t hurt. I scared the shit out of myself but I switched bikes bec I didn’t want to get caught fucking up a bike. lol.
so after I remembered how to brake (pedal back to brake) on the new bike, I started biking. I kept biking downhill and then I came across a beautiful bridge. I hadn’t ever seen anything like it. it was made of stone and i jumped off my bike and watched the water flow. i had never experienced anything like it.
i found a couple other lil trails and I even found a major road that led away from the event center and a rural road that was blocked off because it led to someone’s home. when i was going down hill, I was watch as the trees zoomed past me (or as I zoomed past them). i was surrounded by trees and green shit and it was one of the most beautiful moments I ever had and it was something that I experienced by myself and for myself. i had never felt so free and connected and i had never felt so fucking free. like if i really had a voice and like i really had a choice in what the fuck i wanted.
so, i was laying in bed with a dude i really like and he held me in his arms after sex. this memory came to me after not thinking about it for over a year. i remember facing away from him as he held me and the memory came to as I was looking at his hands in my hands and i said “whoa, i just remembered about something i haven’t thought of in a long time.” so i turned around and i faced him and i told him about my bike ride. halfway through, I began to sob. i didn’t realize it’s been over a year since I felt like that. it’s been over a year since I’ve felt truly free to make choices for myself and like those choices i make aren’t made out of desperation or poverty. I cried and he held me and kissed my face.
NEVERMIND
i take back everything i ever said omg
i really hope dudes asking to put their balls in ur/my mouth isn’t a power play. because if it is, they should know it feels like im going down a girl when i do that lol
Today, you laid your head on my lap and feel asleep. I watched Louie and i felt as you sweated out last night’s coke. I sat perfectly still because I didn’t want to wake you then I fell asleep too.
Im so glad we’ve been able to sleep in each other’s arms the past two nights. It’s so fucking surreal.
I didn’t think it would ever happen again.
when i was feeling particularly shitty, i would be alone in my apartment and i imagined what it’d be like if you walked through the door. i would smile and my heart rate went crazy. but then i’d get fucking sad again because i knew it wouldn’t happen again.
you dont see you like i see you. you’re fucking amazing and beautiful and handsome and talented and smart and caring and protective (but not in a sexist way) and funny and friendly and kind. i cant believe you exist.
i cant believe i fucked up. if you let me, i want to be there for you.
I promised myself a month and a half ago i wouldnt ever contact a certain person again but i caved. i did it and we’re on speaking terms again. i am so fucking scared for what comes next. im just asking to get my heart broken.
I’ve been finding myself repeating myself way more than usual both verbally and via text/online. like literally the exact sentences over and over again.
my thoughts are also scattered
1 of 3 of my classes have posted my official grades so im just waiting on two more classes to for my professors to finish grading stuff and then to officially post the grades. I am so fucking scared. I haven’t been this fucking scared in my entire life. i feel like my world i crashing around me. this fucking anxiety has got me so fucked up, i honestly dont think im going to make it to the end of the week. but i probably will so whatever.
i broke my own heart a lil over a month ago / technically two months ago but whatever. I’m still dealing with that and it fucking hurts everyday. it doesn’t get better and this fucking heartbreak hurts. i’m too sad lol. but whatever, i still have some hope but it’s not gonna work. i dont know what to do. the fucking sadness and shame is way too much and i need to stop hurting.
fyi, for your sake and mine, I will NEVER contact you again or talk to you or engage you in any way ever again. just wanted to put that out there.
I miss you.
But what I miss most is sleeping while you held me. It’s so weird to me that you would hold me. Like, even hold me at all. You would hold me in your arms the entire time we were in bed sleeping and i felt so safe and happy knowing you were there.
I remember I told you something that embarrassed me. We were in your bedroom and either we were just waking up or just about to fall asleep. I can’t quite remember.
I started talking about my past relationships because I wanted you to know something about me.
I wanted you to know that I had never been loved before.
I wanted you to know that no one had ever held my hand. I wanted you to know that no one had ever held me before. I wanted you to know that I could feel you cared even if you never said it.
I cried so hard because I was embarrassed that no one had ever loved me before and that cuddling and holding hands and affection were so new to me. It was something I had never experienced with anyone before. Most people just fuck and go and I was always fine with it because I didn’t want that from them. I just wanted them to leave.
But you changed that.
You held me as I cried but I don’t think you could understand how I felt. I had never been with anyone who gave a fuck about me.
But it’s over now so whatever.
i recently fucked up gacho with this guy i used to date but i have to make a confession.
first of all, we were NEVER official. we just had sex, i took care of him very well and he took care of me.
we looked out for each other and the sex was fucking great.
whatever.
so i fucked up. that’s it. it’s fucking over.
anyway.
so the day before he started to ignore me because of some shit i pulled, i looked through his phone.
he was texting some fucking friend and i know who it is but whatever. anyway, he was texting his friend about a girl (being me) who liked him but he didn’t like back (being me). and he said all this shit about how he didn’t know what to do and what to say to this person (me) to get them (me) to chill the fuck out and stop having the feelz n shit.
honestly, It hurt my my fucking feelings. I felt so hurt and disregarded.
And you know what, thinking about this makes me feel less at fault.
I know what I fucking read and you (you fucking asshole) can say whatever the fuck you want. You can claim you had feelings now after I fucked/up, but nothing changes the fact you didn’t want to like me.
You couldn’t fucking stand being with a girl like me.
Girls like me move on quick, are moved on from quick and we learn no one lasts.
I am sorry for what I did but I wont apologize for what you felt or what you didn’t want to feel for me. You couldn’t fucking handle settling with a fucked up girl like me and it’s okay. Just be fucking honest with yourself, too.
you would’ve strung me along for fucking many more months until i fucked up just like this.
it could’ve worked but once again, you couldn’t fucking stand being with a girl like me.
steven universe
uncle grandpa
I recently dated someone who was in a completely different stage in their life than me. it’s so weird when i think about it.
I’m on the cusp of graduation, i have my own place, and a shitty job to worry about and this person was like, not in the same place as i am/was.
it’s so weird when meeting someone who genuinely knows what they want in life but obvi getting there is taking a while.
i may seem like i have what i want but there’s a small part of me that knows that something is missing. im not sure what it could be worse if i knew what i wanted and couldnt have it. that would make me even more upset.
anyway yeah. i hate being fucking vague because im not sure if this person will ever find my blog but if you do, just know i care deeply for you.
