I've always promised myself I’d write more. Mostly cause I find it hard to express myself and I want to overcome that. I also wanted to get better at writing. I wanted learn how to express myself through writing. I wanted to be capable of expressing myself without the fear of rejection or judgement. I wanted to be able to open myself up in spite of those things.
I'd rather draw than write cause art and Illustrations(especially poorly made ones) are harder to decode and easier to dismiss. People usually don't read into art as much as they do with words. Cause art isn't as concrete as words. They're very abstract, and in the cause of my illustrations, they're very reliant on my
personal context. I don't write about any of them cause I don't want people to have any concrete context when looking at my work. I want people to look at my illustrations and be able to relate to them.
I started this blog so I could have a venue where I could improve myself as an illustrator. But recently I've been wondering if any of the things I do matter.
I mean it's good that I have this outlet for self expression, but do any of these even help anyone else other than me? Do any of these had at least a bit of impact on anyone? I've tried to convince myself that maybe there are people out there who'd be able to relate to some of my works, the way I find comfort in the illustrations of artists I admire.
To be honest, the idea of people finding comfort in my illustrations is just a part of it. In the end this blog is still a selfish project. Because most of the time I just want affirmation that there are people, no matter how few. I just want to know somehow relates to me.
I envy people who are capable of inspiring other people. I envy people who are genuinely selfless. I hate the fact that I’m not like that. I'm not saying I hate those types of people, in fact, I admire them. I'm happy they exist. Cause even though I'm selfish, I still find comfort in the fact that there are amazing people out there inspiring people like me in spite of the crushing weight of mediocrity.
I don't want to give up. I wanna be able to embrace mediocrity so I could focus on getting better. I want to keep throwing myself out there in hopes that I would find happiness myself and other people.
I know everything won't happen immediately, and I accept that things may not pan out the way I want them to. But I really just wanna try, even if it means I have to spend my whole life trying. And If by any chance someone out there feels the same way as me, I hope that they would also find strength to go on and keep trying. Cause I really believe there's happiness to be found in that.
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